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a-shaantijin-me · 7 years ago

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First Love

Till You Pass My Way Again

i walked up the street slowly, taking my time, killing time until the time that you'll be passing that way i was running out of excuses to be there evening after evening but where else could i be to see you even if you passed straight by i would always arrive early, afraid that somehow i had missed you the hands on the clock seem to take an hour to move one minute as I waited for the Escort or Viva or Datsun whatever you were driving that day as long as you came you would say 'i want to see you tonight' i had to keep myself from saying 'i want to see you every night for the rest of my life'

after you leave i would float up the street wondering what I would wear what i would say what we would do sometimes i got nervous waiting for 8 o'clock to arrive i filled the time looking for something nice but not suggestive to wear not wanting you to know how much i wanted you time with you was short, yet endless, unforgettable but good because we had it to share to love, be together, to always have a memory time was cruel as it flew by when we were together and just dragged on when we were apart in a few months we experienced a lifetime of love we met we loved we parted but we will always remember at the end of every lonely day i still walk up the street , even more slowly taking my time ...killing time till the time you'll pass my way again

I tried to write a poem about you one that would describe the real you i know all the words, funny, gentle, kind, wonderful to be with i could go on and on with the clichés but i wanted my poem to be different not like other lovers’ who use nice words that rhyme and mushy phrases and quotes i wanted it to be sincere, romantic, down to earth i still can't think of how to let you know that to me you are the most wonderful person there is it's hard to find the words to say that i'm not blind to your faults i myself have a few but your good points by far out-number them it seems impossible to put down on paper exactly how i feel to convince you, without sounding silly that without you in my life, even if you have to be thousands of miles away it's not worth living if i were as great as Shakespeare i would write you a sweet love sonnet one as infinite as my love i am not like any of those immortal writers i am just me, still trying to think of a sincere romantic but down to earth way of telling you that i love you

Rainy Beach Birthday

Maracas Bay beach at midday not crowded not deserted a cosy lunch .. chicken and chips and coke our favorite.. lunch.. dinner ...and breakfast at one in the morning i remember the dark clouds.. the heavy rain the waves wanting to swallow us running up the beach and running back to the car searching for something more to eat bathing under the coconut trees as the rain made showers with their branches scrambling into the car soaking wet, to get out of the rain i remember us drying our bodies and changing into warm clothing ..in the car enjoying every moment of being alone far away from the people we knew their watchful eyes and scandalous tongues severing the feeling of being in our own world unaware of the strangers around us wishing it could last forever but anxious to be back home in bed tired yet aroused in each other's arms finding the energy to make love bringing an already ecstatic day to a most fulfilling climax

These Words Are All I Have

i awake each morning with you gentle on my mind no change form the way i went to bed the night before you are always ... gentle on my mind i pretend that it's you lying next to me not just a stuffed toy he could never replace you..but he's warm, soft, cuddly to make my day easier, i do everything for you my days become too short when i fill them with thoughts of you with thoughts of the ways i can please you the things i can do...i will do, to make you happy in a way my life has become ...A Dream of You that can easily be turned into a nightmare if you belong in another's dream i try to think of a million ways to say ...i love you but always these three words are the the best the simplest, the most perfect they say all that could ever be said all that i could ever mean what more is there after ..i love you my life, my everything is yours that's what those words mean to me these words are all that i can give with you so far away

WE is better than YOU or ME

i have so many places to see the Eiffel Tower the Statue of Liberty the Pyramids of Egypt there is still Greenland, Africa, China but it's no fun going to places alone nothing would be the same there would be no mystery no joy of being in a new country and what's more ... the bed without you it would still be cold even with extra blankets to keep me warm because nothing can warm me as much as your naked body beside me radiating ...engulfing... protecting and nothing could be more comforting than the odors of last night's love lingering into the morning we have so many places to be .. you and me ..together there's still so much i want to share with you listening to the raindrops on the roof as we lie in bed breakfast made by me or you...late in the morning washing the dishes ...doing the laundry i want to share all there is left to see and all that is left of me so that you and i will become ...we which is better than being ...just you or just me

A Dream Of Us

i used to lie close beside you, awake, at dawn looking at you sleep not wanting to disturb you yet wishing you would wake up and make love to me but when you finally stirred i was sad because it meant that it was time for you to leave i will never forget the feel of your body pressed up close to mine or the warm hardness of you in me lips to lips breast to breast body to body our oneness over and over and over again your groans and murmurs of pleasure as we unite ..reaching the ultimate and later...much later, as we lay in each other's arms pretending for a while that you didn't have to leave i would dream of growing old with you i would dream of the both of us you and me ... together .. forever

it's Sunday morning again it arrives every week at the same time the clock beside me tells me it's time to get up get dressed, church begins in a few hours but i lie back in bed ..awake, but dreaming i think of Sundays past and all the days in between all the left over memories found in dreams i can still see you hurrying.. trying to get dressed to leave before the sun woke the neighborhood i remember how difficult it was for me to sleep after you left to try to forget what day it was ... to sleep forgetting is easy when you sleep now, without the comfort of your warm naked back and your deep even breath in bed, close to me i am cold with loneliness the silence makes me shiver the emptiness within makes me afraid i try not to think of the days to come or of growing old ... alone instead i close my eyes and think of loving you i feel the comforting warmth fill me pushing away the emptiness and once again today's Sunday's pain is gone until next week at the same time

my heart was screaming .... please don't go but i kept the words inside knowing that you knew i wanted you to stay knowing that you couldn't anyway ... even if you wanted to it was the longest day i ever lived i thought that it would never grow dark so that sleep could erase my loneliness for a while i don't want to remember that pain my heavy heart, the dams behind my eyes that couldn't keep from breaking every now and then it rained that day ... i used to love the rain i hated the rain that day ... i hated that day that day that took my love away i wished then that i had never met you so i wouldn't have to feel this pain of being separated i thought that day would never end the days and weeks that followed were just as empty and sad i woke up each morning to an empty day knowing that i wouldn't see you, touch you life was a void until ........

last night you set every part of me aglow you awoke the insides of my mind your written words excited me gently enclosing me in the message they brought i have waited so long, hours, days months it seems to hear from you not knowing or caring what you wrote, a long as you did it's bad enough not being able to see you so, i need your words to take me through each day they substitute for you at nights on my pillow having your letters and writing to you is like having you near me holding me talking listening...loving

i am reminiscing tonight... i do about us all the time but tonight is special the eve of your birthday ... remember last year? you came early, we talked, fooled around you wanted to make love .. i made you wait ...remember? till mid-night at 11:30 we went out and bought... chicken and chips i can still see us rushing it down, you especially to beat the twelve o'clock deadline five minutes....away went the chicken boxes ...hands washed three minutes, two, one...i kissed you.. Happy Birthday and the love we made after was good for both of us you tried extra hard that night to please me i love you even more for that we slept... made love again, early in the morning on your twenty-first birthday i'm remembering the eve of your last birthday tonight wondering whether you're thinking about it too wherever you are right now... i'm wishing you a Very Happy Birthday ...tomorrow

i had a dream last night one that i shared with you so many miles away we were alone, you and i , by the sea you and i ...looking for love laden with curiosity ...hearts filled with promise thoughts clear with no need to make decisions we spent some time seeking you going your way and i mine we picked our way along the stony beach satisfied for a while to be apart...alone...together time flew by and in the evening we touched each other with our love ever so often we shared...a tender kiss...sometimes just a little more and so our days went on... searching eating drinking sleeping, only when we felt the need to once in a while at twilight we would go walking playing games with the waves as they came to shore or skipping smooth flat pebbles over the water we stopped sometimes to look back at our footprints being swallowed up, erased, as if we were never there as the sun disappeared on the horizon bidding today goodbye ...welcoming tonight on we'd go, arm in arm, in the moon's silvery light wrapped in our love to keep us warm we'd walk and walk neither of us needing to talk because of our love we had become one then i awoke and as i reached out for you i tried to cross the miles of space that separated us i discovered reality and the lonely fact that you were not here i realized that we had not been on that long walk by the sea and those footprints on the sand were bidding us to follow telling you...telling me daring us to make my dream ...reality

First Love: Pregnancy Marriage Adultery Divorce

how can I tell him, what will he say he doesn't love me, he wants to get away he's leaving for the US to get his degree his mind is made up his plan doesn't include me it doesn't matter i can make it alone he's not ready for the responsibility of a wife, a family, a home he still wants to play around, to have fun the last thing he wants is to be tied down i won't tell him, he doesn't have to know maybe he'll leave before it begins to show he knew about the test hope he doesn't ask if he does i must try my best to lie, a difficult task

'go look for the father’ words I will never forget and the obscenity that followed... without regret days, weeks years passed it seems he didn't say a word, not to me , not about the baby he stayed angry and cold i must get away, i can't go on but i feel weak and helpless i must take care till the baby is born then one night he said we must get married ...it must have a name the saddest words, the coldest voice it will never be the same

and so for the worst reasons we said 'i do' four short months before the baby was due i tried to be happy pretended i didn't know about all the others he couldn't let go sometimes he tried and i felt there was a chance for a life together, even without the love and romance i felt my baby growing knowing it was wrong the life we were promising wouldn't last long it was sad so sad when that day came the day you decided you were tired of the game playing house, pretending, you out grew us, moved on i knew it would happen but i was completely torn separation, divorce, fights for custody that she should go through all this.. what a tragedy she should have a better mother a better father a family she deserves all three

why so much anger?

is it really anger you feel i wonder?

hate love hate love, what’s the difference?

is there a difference?

sometimes love is so cruel, so selfish, so cold

it’s worse than hate

and hate so heated so fierce so passionate

it’s like love

but loneliness, loneliness is different

it’s hate and love mixed, doubled

it’s so much, it’s nothing ..emptiness

all three of these can consume you if you let them

which would you rather be burned by

you must decide... i recommend

the soul-baring self-sacrificing compassionate

flames of love

sometimes i think i understand

sometimes i think i know

but i don’t , i can only guess

how you feel, what you think

i used to, i used to know you so well

i could look at you and see tiredness, anger, love

all those years i knew more than you thought i did

but i held on, i had to, for her sake

i thought you would too

no matter what, no matter who

for her sake

but we are only human

it was inevitable, breaking up, separating

i should have been prepared but i wasn’t

one day we may be friends again

one day we may laugh again ..together

one day we’ll say how stupid we were

how we have wasted the years

when we are old and maybe it’s too late

we’ll realize that we were just stereotypes

no different from

other divorced couples

other deprived fathers

other overprotective mothers

that our child is not the only victim of divorce

but that we also made her a victim of our animosity

i can’t believe this is us

sitting here with others

ordinary people, with ordinary problems

we, who said so much, did so much, loved so much

the same, like all these others, sitting, waiting

waiting to be called to justice

yes, I am guilty, we both are

we fell in love, married, bore a child

and then we destroyed it all

for what? another love? passion?

and the cycle begins again

a love, a couple, a family, a broken home

more hurt more destruction

we never learn, even while we burn

we keep walking into the fire

4 sided triangle i see you watching her i see her watching you i know it’s not love in your eyes but it is in hers I tell myself, she’s an adult she knows what she’s doing or does she? you, you seem perfect to her she doesn’t know, she‘s romantic she thinks everything about you is ideal you can‘t resist anymore, you want her I remember when you felt that way about me or did you? she confessed to me, tears in her eyes ...i‘m in love with your husband.. don‘t worry i said, be careful don’t get serious, enjoy it let it be an affair you deserve the affection, the attention i do too, i whispered to myself my pride hid the pain in the daylight my pillow swallowed the hurt at night the last straw, no more , no more it was my heart crying out, being torn to shreds but my mind, always dependable it held me together all the sacrifices, the plans, the years for a few hours of passion was it worth it, was it worth us i ignored my heart, stripped now of everything sacred nothing mattered - vows, promises, beliefs survival - get through today you can make it through today don’t think about tomorrow, or the day after or next year but the ache stayed it lingered long after the sunset to haunt me it invaded my dreams, my last cherished bit of privacy was fouled with adultery hate him a loud angry voice my heart? my mind? my body? how can i after loving him so much for so long hate her then how can i? when her heart breaks i will be her only friend love him - hate her, love her - hate him pounding at my insides, seeking an escape i want to hate someone, something or maybe i want to love, to be loved an affair? the problem and the solution? too much, too quickly i need a balance, an outlet, an escape i don’t want to think but i need to feel to feel loved ....

a friend, our friend always there when we need him, when I need him he looks at me differently now, or maybe he feels sorry he knows my pain, my loneliness maybe he feels something more, it shows, I feel it i don’t want to hurt, to be hurt, again confusion, emptiness, he’s the only one here he’s trying to mend me, convince me that there’s hope i am falling , but not alone there beside me, he’s falling too we know it’s wrong but it feels right just temporary i say, to help ease the pain pain that seems almost physical at times no vows, no promises i need to feel alive again to feel like the woman i know i am i want to talk, to listen, to share thoughts across the table at mealtimes a face, a smile, not The Times or Wall Street Journal a voice on the phone saying hi, i m thinking about you it’s like a dream, one that escaped the torture a reoccurring dream, the sweetest i have ever had don’t wake up said a voice inside me, inside my heart but reality, responsibility shouted into my head you don’t have to hide behind anyone you don’t have to depend on anyone step out of the doubt, the fears move on with confidence work work work, not the cure but comfort it occupies me by day and prepares me for the night sleep, peaceful at last my heart feels only slightly bruised he didn’t hurt or deceive me we ended the way we began with respect, friendship, love a special kind of love. i was drifting when I first saw you like a paradise island in the middle of the ocean waves of longing washed me to your shore i could write pages about the heaven or haven i found with you about how you helped ease the pain I was going through but i want you to understand the type of person i am i am not the kind to give herself to just any man don't think that because i went to bed with you that it is something i can easily do though i didn't know you very well something in me could tell you are special i understand many things you think i don't i understand why our relationship won't work i feel i know what you want from your woman. your life you will find someone who will make you a good wife don't think of me as an unfit mother who in spite of her daughter couldn't resist taking a lover i explain about you to her the best I can but if there's someone else in the future she may not understand i will miss you don't let this be the end i am holding you to the promise that you'll be my friend you are always somewhere on my mind, in my heart all through my day though we're apart for you our affair was no big deal for me it was strong and real in time it will die a slow natural death it's difficult and painful but i have no regret that i met you , got to know you and liked you so much now i must live without your smile, your words your touch i'm not afraid to be independent or to be alone but a heart without love soon becomes a heart of stone my love for my child will help me in every way to be stronger and to face each new day.

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a-shaantijin-me · 7 years ago

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A Special Love

ichi-gatsu

Love came gently

i thought that love, when it came would come with wild heart beats with blood racing madly through the veins i thought that it would happen under the stars or at the beach on a full moon night long walks holding hands passionate kisses but when love came, it came gently it crept into my heart and i never knew there was no fear, no nervousness only a good comforting feeling a warm acknowledgment that i am his, he is mine we are one.

ni-gatsu in the mountains when we are far away from the truth i pretend that all is well that we are happy that it is the beginning of our story our happy ever after ending all the love songs, the sonnets, poems all the sunrises and sunsets are ours we are the only happy lovers in the world our passion has never been felt our love , our love is unique in the mountains you are all that i want all that i need the coolness, the greenness the perfectness fills me you fill me, every part of me if we could stay there, way up high our love will last, it will endure the reality of who we are what we are doing if only we could stay forever up there in the mountains

san-gatsu

after a long winter your touch is Spring after empty years your gentleness brings new hope, new life let's take the time to love

i wish i could feel your kisses everyday only you can make me feel this way your voice your touch sends my heart racing just thinking about you is so elating that i never want to stop loving you don't ever say we're through

go-gatsu

tonight was perfect ..an erotic dream can't get enough of your loving it seems you bring out feelings i never knew were there can't imagine life without you in it somewhere how can i leave this country knowing i'll leave behind so much of me while i feel this way... i must stay the chance to love you is like second spring right now it's a most enchanting thing

roku-gatsu

i love your smile, it makes me happy your voice, it keeps me interested your eyes, losing myself in them your lips, being kissed by them your hands, being touched by them your arms, being in them your body, lying close to it's warmth tonight i am missing your arms holding me your lips on mine gently, hungrily i wish i could just melt into your body and stay there, locked in but free sometimes loving you feels so good sometimes it hurts so much i wish i could pull my heart out to ease the pain not of loving you, but of loving you in vain

hachi-gatsu

the one thing i need right now is the feel of your body lying next to me, close to me engulfing me in it's protective warmth i need you in so many ways i need to know your arms will always be there accepting willingly... lovingly and your body...hungrily when i am with you it’s so difficult not to look you....touch you wish we could be making love i love you so much and i love your body too everything about you like seeing your nakedness caressing, kissing you all over it seems so natural it's a part of love a part of being in love nothing we share could ever be casual ... not even a glance everything we do or say has some meaning it's all significant sometimes my body feels separated from me it's own individual self it loves you with the same determination and strength my body loves your body in a most powerful way so it feels like four of us in love you, your body me, my body and when we are all four of us together, making beautiful love we are one, one dynamic being someone who can conquer the world someone invincible that's what we are together as one... invincible the universe is ours not only because we love but because we love each other

sleepless dream sleepless nights the loud drumming of a heart, my heart uncensored thoughts invading, occupying my mind caresses, forbidden kisses covering, devouring a body, my body a dream, a sleepless dream of love that knows no end that burns without fire that warms without heat sunrises that bring reality like salt on a fresh wound that stings but cures that hurts but heals that pains as it cleanses empty days filled with his presence close but untouchable days of wanting, yearning , waiting for love , his love as sure as tomorrow as deep as forever as endless as eternity time, i need time time to think, to reason, to decide you are not just another guy a passing infatuation time has passed, you haven't you are still here, in my mind, my heart the rest of me also waiting for the feeling to pass, to go away time has taken me back through the years i am sixteen again bubbling with love nervously, excitingly flirting with love. in reality- a dream how do you tell your heart don't love? how do you stop it from feeling? it has it's own control you can tell you mind don't think of him your mouth don't long for his kiss convince your body that it doesn't need his touch but your heart, your heart has a will of it's own it continues loving each beat sings your name and carries it through my veins to my whole body i close my eyes and i see you i listen and i hear your voice, it pacifies me in my thoughts and in my dreams we are together, we are in love but in my reality, in my reality you are only a dream

As Sure As My Love

softly, at the end of each day thoughts of you invade the sunset illuminates the moon in the stars i see twinkling eyes all this brilliance in the darkness of my heart quietly, the day dawns a burst of light fills the sky with reds, yellows hues of life, of hopes , of dreams to be realized, today even my dark heart clears becomes alive with the sunrise love is possible everything is possible as sure as the sunrise each day as sure as today as sure as my love... one moment in time

one moment in time you and i - making love without restrictions, without reservations giving all, taking all complete passionate sensual one moment when nothing matters we and us are all there is no family, no friends, no morals , no rules erotic fulfilling beautiful one moment when i am yours, you are mine losing nothing, conquering everything natural phenomenal physically mentally exploring touching feeling aware only of each other

one moment when time stands still there was no yesterday there will be no tomorrow only that moment exist- forever never-ending in it’s timelessness one moment- infinite

Ku-gatsu

sabishii - lonely - melancholy the autumn feeling no leaves on the trees everything dry and bare sudden chilly nights unpredictable weather i know the sabishii feeling i feel it not only for you for your country, your people, my friends i see you now on that park bench telling me that your life is like a sabishii autumn evening knowing in my heart that it was over for us not knowing how else to say it, to describe how you felt i felt it too, that is why i knew for me it was like the sun did not rise in the land of the rising sun it was like winter in the arctic, coldness darkness sabishiiness

ju-gatsu i wish i could turn the clock back back to the night i said we must stop seeing each other loving each other wanting each other i knew it would hurt, i hurt too though that night you felt that it was only you i wanted to take you in my arms and say i love you, it will be okay but i couldn’t, it had to end this way, someday simply, practically, unselfishly for us, it was never meant to be we could never be two normal lovers a couple, a family that is not our destiny our lives touched our hearts loved our minds united so did our bodies you set my soul free you allowed me to be me it ‘s enough to have known you it ‘s enough to have loved you ju-ichi-gatsu I hear raindrops on the roof keeping rhythm with my heart soon you will knock on the door you'll stand there dripping wet looking like a mischievous little boy i'd want hold you, dry you off, keep you warm but i shouldn't i mustn't you belong to someone else till death, you vowed i know it's difficult for you too i can see it in your eyes you want me as much as i want you in our hearts we will always love each other what we had was special more than that it was unbelievable, like a dream we were lucky but, your tradition is strong your parents, they want only the best for you she is who’s best for you be good to her, love her, cherish her so she would do the same to you i wish their choice was me but we knew from the start it could never be i'll find someone to love again, to love me back and even if it's half as much as we loved it will be enough.... ju-ni-gatsu

our window how often we stood by that window i can feel your arms about me your body half supporting mine your voice telling me some funny story even if we had not seen each other for weeks it seemed like just the night before that we stood there we stood there no matter how hot or cold in the winter we'd snuggle up even closer and look out at the Shinjuku lights the snow covered roofs and trees in the summer , the spring and the autumn we never tire of standing there i felt so proud that i had chosen this place this cozy apartment with the view and you loved it, you loved me the nights you were not there i stood alone late nights, early mornings feeling your closeness when we stopped seeing each other it was more difficult a part of me did not want to feel you to remember those times i am glad that we stood there together in each other's arms, that last night when you left that morning i felt nothing no love, no hate, no sadness, no pain i felt nothing ... nothingness

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