a-simple-journey

[a-simple-journey]

Holy cannoli

The guy I've been writing about here?

Yeah, I'm pretty sure I'm falling in love with him. Slowly, but falling anyway.

I feel like I'm gonna explode when I see him in person this July.

I mean, he's already flying 11,000 km and crossing an ocean (literally) to MEET me.

And he's the kindest soul.

I don't know how this happened but I'm so happy 😭

[a-simple-journey]

Update two years later: letting someone in 🥺❤

Will I ever invite someone to my mental basement again?

[a-simple-journey]

Update: he writes. And I showed him some of my old writing and he liked it. And he quoted ME back to me 🙃 hope we can meet in person this summer because I'm already very fond of him 🤍

no more dating apps when will i meet an itinerant professor of philosophy who will take me to the opera and make me coffee in his little rented room full of books and discuss literature and poetry and transcendentalism

[a-simple-journey]

Did I mention I'm screwed?

I'm totally screwed 🥺😭❤️❤️❤️

[a-simple-journey]

UPDATE: 9 MONTHS LATER

It's been 18 months since I returned home.

And, oh boy. Last year was hard. 2024 ended in a rush, and with tons of lessons. It was very hard to feel so lonely. Most of my close friends are gone abroad, my job is good but INTENSE and I basically had zero social life last year.

Then, enter Juanuary 2025.

I travelled to Costa Rica again.

I got sick (like, very sick). Not dangerously sick, but sick for weeks.

I had an anxiety crisis (worst one ever).

I finally got contacted to start therapy #YAS

I met someone online (through Catholic Match).

All in the span of like, a week.

Basically, God has allowed me to go through and accelerated character-development episode. Which has been truly difficult, tough and also very positive if I consider the whole process (I would have loved to skip the illness part, but I think there was a reason for ALL of it).

So, I had many lessons and experiences:

In Costa Rica, I reconnected with great friends.

My sickness allowed me to rearange priorities, know myself better, identify what I have to do to take care of myself better, for the future. I'm not healed yet... but it's all in process.

The anxiety crisis also allowed me to learn about myself. Mental and physical health are directly connected.

Therapy has been a GIFT. I finally understand where all the perfectionism and fear come from. And it's helping me heal a lot of wounds and fears.

And the person I met... well. I like him a lot. Yet, I'm not 'crushing' on anyone. It just feels peaceful. We have been talking for almost 3 months now. There's an intention of meeting in person, and seeing him so openly intentional about all this makes me feel very safe. For the first time, I feel quite alright with the concept of 'we'll see'. Also, the fact that he lives an ocean apart and still is asking me about my holiday weeks to visit me, is a gift. I don't know what will happen with us, but he seems like a good man, and I can only wish him to be very happy and to always be close to the Lord 🤍 That's it.

Now, FINALLY, I feel like I'm healing.

It was the main goal of the year, and I've been praying a lot to God about this.

It will be (is being) a year of healing and discernment.

Thanks be to God, marriage doesn't terrify anymore.

I'm not saying I'm going to marry this guy (we are only getting to know each other), but I'm happily surprised that I have opened up and am not running away from this. Feeling safe and not feeling terrified of eventual vulnerability, feeling curious and excited about this process is a gift. Because, for a long time, I thought it was something I was uncapable of feeling.

So, I'm very grateful.

Now, also due to my healing process, my priorities are changing. My dreams are changing. I crave freedom and peace more than I crave a great career. I am even considering moving abroad for the sake of moving (not just for studies or a PhD, but because it is good for me). And the fact that this guy lives in the continent I want to go is a plus, but not my main reason for wanting to move.

So now, I may have to make some big changes, eventually.

I trust that God will lead the way. He always does. And He is never outdone in generosity. He has always given us more than we need. This is an opportunity to grow in faith. To trust in Providence and His love :)

Yesterday at mass during my cousin's wedding, the Gospel was about the wedding at Cana. Life is hard and it will be hard, but I pray that God will strengthen my faith to NEVER forget that He doesn't just provide, but He always give us the best wine 🙏🏼

Generational challenges

So, I returned home like two months ago.

And I already feel emotionally tired of living with my parents again. Especially my dad. I love them dearly, but boy is it hard to live with a man who is getting old and has a lot of unresolved emotional issues.

I feel a lot of compassion towards him. He never properly learned how to be assertive or how to establish healthy boundaries, not even with his family members.

On top of that, he didn't do very well professionally or financially (again, I see that his lack of assertiveness also negatively impacted that aspect of his life).

I'm pretty sure he is depressed. And I wish I could do something else to help him. But at the same time, it's exhausting. He is so difficult. He is always in a bad mood. He is slow, unmotivated and instead of properly expressing his feelings and thoughts with the people he should, he explodes at home (constant bad mood swings and all that stuff).

I don't like being home with him all the time. He is not aggressive, but I feel tense. Like walking on eggshells because there are so many things that can make him mad.

I also need to keep my own boundaries.

I see my parents, and I have zero desire for marriage. And I know that's fear speaking. Not all marriages are like that, but it's just scary.

I don't want to be a professional failure. I just want a job and money. I need independence and a ticket out of this country, which I don't even see myself living in.

But I also know I should make my decisions based on what I LOVE, not what I fear.

Still, for now: I pray for a job. I pray for money, which I really need. I pray for opportunity, patience and courage. And for faith.

I've been praying to God for a job where I can put my talents at His service. Yet the university job may not happen. Maybe I'll have to get back to school teaching. IT'S SO CONFUSING.

I just don't want to repeat the same mistakes they did.

I don't.

[a-simple-journey]

Plot twist: i met a philosopher on a dating app and he lives thousand of miles away but i'm excited about meeting someone after YEARS and weirdly not freaking out like WHAT

no more dating apps when will i meet an itinerant professor of philosophy who will take me to the opera and make me coffee in his little rented room full of books and discuss literature and poetry and transcendentalism

[a-simple-journey]

The wave

I can't stay.

This year has been difficult and great at the same time.

I've grown a lot, professionally.

But loneliness is not going anywhere.

I felt it during my birthday, and now again during holidays.

What's the point of having a great job that you love if your personal life is lacking? I mean, I have my family, but that's it.

Even my friends are all almost gone. And family changes too. I don't think it's enough reason to stay.

I'm just afraid of starting over somewhere, all to end up here again.

This sucks.

[a-simple-journey]

I'm so stressed I wanna cry.

[a-simple-journey]

Okay, but Blue Eye Samurai was like a mix of Vagabond and Legend of Basara

A blood-thirsty samurai? Not afraid of death? Who learns more about life throughout his path of violence? A secret identity chosen to fulfill higher objectives? An existential conflict between being a woman a being a warrior? Not knowing whether to be a ronin or a bride? Opening up to others versus traumas and trust issues?

Man, I missed these kinds of stories...

[a-simple-journey]

UPDATE: 7 MONTHS LATER

It's been 9 months since I returned home.

A LOT has happened. And by 'A LOT', I include a trip abroad, a panic attack (I literally though I was going to die), a new job and yet a new and better job which I'll start in three weeks.

I also have learned lots of things about life, communication and relationships.

Last news: I reconciled with my dad. Not that we were in a fight or anything, but since I returned, I've not had the best relationship with him. After receiving wonderful advice from my confessor and actually applying it, we could finally understand each other better and forgive each other for the (mostly unintended) harm we may have caused each other.

It's been a total relief. I feel much lighter and peaceful now.

Turns out, he was misinterpreting me all the time. So, as a consequence, I was doing the same, and thus conflict was constant. The fact that he actually listened calmly, explained himself and apologized for any offense, feels like a miracle.

All of this made me realize how much I want to heal from other wounds I have.

Because I do. Have wounds, I mean. And I hate talking about them, but I have been hurt at certain moments in my life, and I am afraid of being hurt again. And all of that is limiting me and my choices.

I don't want to be afraid to love.

I don't want to be afraid to open up, be vulnerable and maybe even have a family one day.

And if I'm honest, all of that has terrified me since I came back home (and probably even before).

Seeing the conflict between my parents made me dread the idea of marriage.

Being hurt after trusting and developing feelings for someone made afraid of being vulnerable again. Because I was hurt even if I didn't fall in love. And even when I said no and there was no relationship.

That experience allowed me to learn the importance of boundaries and clear communication, but I think there are still lessons to be learned from it. Like how to trust again. Because it's freaking hard and I have not let ANYONE new in my mental basement for five years.

I pray this can change.

So that's what I want to do. I'm thirty. I'm back home. I'm single (and happy). I'm so grateful for my new job and opportunities, and I trust God's plan for my life.

But I want to heal. To be truly brave, to be free from my many fears. Only then will I be able to truly discern my vocation. And whichever ends up being the answer, it'll be okay :)

As long as I can see the beauty of every path again.

Leaving this in God's hands <3

Generational challenges

So, I returned home like two months ago.

And I already feel emotionally tired of living with my parents again. Especially my dad. I love them dearly, but boy is it hard to live with a man who is getting old and has a lot of unresolved emotional issues.

I feel a lot of compassion towards him. He never properly learned how to be assertive or how to establish healthy boundaries, not even with his family members.

On top of that, he didn't do very well professionally or financially (again, I see that his lack of assertiveness also negatively impacted that aspect of his life).

I'm pretty sure he is depressed. And I wish I could do something else to help him. But at the same time, it's exhausting. He is so difficult. He is always in a bad mood. He is slow, unmotivated and instead of properly expressing his feelings and thoughts with the people he should, he explodes at home (constant bad mood swings and all that stuff).

I don't like being home with him all the time. He is not aggressive, but I feel tense. Like walking on eggshells because there are so many things that can make him mad.

I also need to keep my own boundaries.

I see my parents, and I have zero desire for marriage. And I know that's fear speaking. Not all marriages are like that, but it's just scary.

I don't want to be a professional failure. I just want a job and money. I need independence and a ticket out of this country, which I don't even see myself living in.

But I also know I should make my decisions based on what I LOVE, not what I fear.

Still, for now: I pray for a job. I pray for money, which I really need. I pray for opportunity, patience and courage. And for faith.

I've been praying to God for a job where I can put my talents at His service. Yet the university job may not happen. Maybe I'll have to get back to school teaching. IT'S SO CONFUSING.

I just don't want to repeat the same mistakes they did.

I don't.

[a-simple-journey]

This is going to sound very shallow coming from me, but I swear it's a genuine annoyance.

Why is it always the weird, cringey, insistent guys with no capacity to identify social boundaries, that end up showing interest in me?

Is it because I seem too 'nice'?

Why do some people keep texting you message after message, even if they don't personally know you and even if you have chosen not to reply and show no interest?

I used to reply to everyone before, but honestly, sometimes I just feel creeped out.

One thing is to establish a natural conversation with someone (I have made a LOT of dear friends this way)... but another thing is trying to force things and being pushy.

That's literally the last thing to do if you pretend to make me like you.

[a-simple-journey]

Update two months later: after a health scare (on my part) they stopped quarreling for irrelevant reasons. Our home is almost stress-free, glory be to God 🙏🏼

Also: they are happy and their marriage has improved a lot. I don't dread marriage, but at the same time I feel very much at peace with my singleness and with the possibility of not getting married, ever.

Discerning one's vocation is certainly a journey full of unexpected turns.

Nobody talks about how seeing your parents in an unfulfilling, sad and mediocre marriage life fucks you up so much.

[a-simple-journey]

Update:

GOD HAS SO MANY PLANS.

Like. Wow. I'm speechless.

I want to do it right and I want to do it for Him.

This week seems like a bad joke.

I trust that God has a plan.

[a-simple-journey]

This week seems like a bad joke.

I trust that God has a plan.

[a-simple-journey]

Nobody talks about how seeing your parents in an unfulfilling, sad and mediocre marriage life fucks you up so much.

[a-simple-journey]

Before Sunset (2004)

[a-simple-journey]

Update a year later: not yet

Will I ever invite someone to my mental basement again?