a-universes-demise

[a-universes-demise]

When does it stop being "you're so resilient" and become "you can rest now"?

[a-universes-demise]

they called me sensitive, but what they really meant was “it’s your fault for being traumatized by our actions”

[a-universes-demise]

As an adult still living with their abusive parent, I often find that affirmations meant to empower me are unhelpful at best. They often feel like they're overstating the amount of agency I have as an adult; I've spent my entire life being abused. It's all I know and I have a lifetime of conditioning and nervous system damage to show for it.

All that doesn't just go away now that I'm older than 18, and neither do the material circumstances that keep me here. Even though I have more legal rights and have grown since I was younger, I am still not in control by the very nature of being the victim in an abusive relationship. So, for those who relate, here are some affirmations that might hit different:

My abuser does not have my best interests in mind, even if they think they do.

I am my own person; my mind and body belong to me.

My feelings are justified, and I deserve to feel and express them.

I am doing what I need to survive, and that is all I need to do.

I am doing my best given the knowledge, resources, and support I have.

I am the only person who can decide what is best for me.

My situation is unfair and wrong. I deserve to be happy and safe.

I do not have to engage in toxic positivity; that will only hurt me.

As long as I am alive, there is something good in this life for me - no matter how small.

I have inherent rights just because I exist.

I shouldn't have to deal with this on my own; I deserve support and protection.

Everything I need is something I deserve. Everything I deserve is something I need.

If any of these don't resonate, feel free to discard them. Everyone finds comfort and empowerment differently.

[a-universes-demise]

*sigh* looks like i've got to block anoth-

oh!

[a-universes-demise]

Love doesn’t leave you traumatized.

[a-universes-demise]

[a-universes-demise]

on being raised on fairy tales in which you are the monster // a. m. h.

[a-universes-demise]

of course i'm angry. do you have any idea how many times someone should have helped me?

[a-universes-demise]

[a-universes-demise]

there is something so ... small. about knowing, suddenly - oh, you don't actually want to hear me, do you?

knowing with crystal clarity: you're trying to communicate, and they're just trying to win something over you.

knowing you can never explain how this feels to them, because, of course - even if you did, they wouldn't fucking listen in the end.

[a-universes-demise]

[a-universes-demise]

[a-universes-demise]

“I am going to send my abuser a book on abuse and then they will read it and understand it and validate everything I have been through and our relationship will be healed” I hope you feel every feeling associated with this fantasy to its fullest and most cathartic and useful extent and then I hope you do literally anything else with your time and energy.

[a-universes-demise]

[a-universes-demise]

it shouldn’t have to be so hard // please don’t give up

[a-universes-demise]

another heavy handed symbolism moment: my mom has a potted sunflower in the kitchen. because it is a sunflower, it keeps turning towards the light from the window. my mother keeps rotating it so it faces inward because she wants "to see its beautiful petals and have it really brighten up the space!" . the sunflower is visibly wilting .

[a-universes-demise]

today i bought an entire cookies and cream cake. the frosting was sweet and soft and tasted, as promised, like cream and cookies. i wouldn’t have been able to taste something so nice if i’d been dead.