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It would be still early to ask the guy that I’m seeing for at least two weeks and a half about where is this going. What he’s looking for? Am I still allowed to meet others as well? Be it casually or fling. I’m just curious to know the answer. My head has many fiveW and oneH.

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FML. I miss the guy that I chatted for close to three years despite me didn’t reply his message for effing weeking but I’m sure he would have meet someone else since he’s an flight attendant. I’m sure he has meet someone else while I did when he flies which nothing wrong. I’m having catching feelings towards him as I didn’t reply his text messages. That’s not me how I play it. I want to see him so much but half of me say no. If I can meet him for the second time, there would be third, fourth time etc.

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Things will be tested.

There are many things will be tested for sure.

Can I keep my hands to myself?

Can I control not meeting others?

Can I be loyal again?

How many % of effort is he going to put?

Many things on my mind and I know the more I am overthink, the more things get crazy.

It is gonna kill me madly.

What do I need? Assurance is enough to make me be okay.

Will I be okay?

Have I self love myself enough for the past years?

Is it okay to let others in clear your shit?

What do you think ?

Read this only based on the understanding of the previous post.

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Lust Vs Love

A woman called ‘A’ is unsure whether she could fall in love again, if she could feel vulnerable and let other enters her life. If there’s no failure, how would you grow. She wants to fall in love, but she is afraid if her past will haunt her down. Will there be any setback, I mean there’s always setback for anything in life? There’s a price to pay in everything you do, in their words there’s consequences to every decision you made. She is scared and overthinker, she need assurance as she is surrounded herself with lust. She won’t blame anyone for it, she can only blame herself for making such decision. She need failure then she will grow.

She has many things that rushing into her mind now, so many things and she hate that fact that she is overthinking, and she remember overthinking will only make things worse and the only thing she could do is fight it off. Don’t think so much about it. It is on her, will she be able to control herself, will she able to keep her mind to herself. She knows that her loyalty will be tested for sure.

She tells herself that she cannot be in confine space whether it is just between the walls. If she is in the public, she can behave herself, be civilized and with RBF expression on her facial expression. Her lifestyle is very toxic that she wouldn’t want to settle down for less. It made her feel that she doesn’t know what she wants. She is taking things on her pace. She is not rushing on getting married, having kids whereby most of her family, her friends, her colleague are already settling down while she is not going to settled down for less. She doesn’t want to become desperate or anything. She doesn’t have what it takes to be in relationship as many things will be tested, especially her loyalty.

Will she be able to do so?

 P.S This is the story that I wanna write yet I get affected by it as it’s basically about me and it make me overthink on things now.

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I always wanted to find Alex as bff or more but I don’t think I can. 

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Where do you see yourself five years from now?

What do you want in life?

When are you gonna settled down?

How to settled down when there’s no candidate?

I want to be in relationship but I don’t want to be so vulnerable as it’s fucked me up bad times.

I don’t know what I want if life.

Why am I so slow in learning?

Before asking what others want from me, I should ask myself what I want from them?

I myself clueless of what I want.

I prefer better planning.

I prefer having contingency planning even for outing.

Be it wet or dry weather.

I prefer planning than just spontaneously when it comes to settling down.

I wouldn’t settle down for less.

Too much expectation.

Probably.

Maybe until now I don’t have anyone permanent in my life.

As I find hard to open up.

Who’s the last person that I opened up and feel vulnerable?

Who else other than turning..

Until today I remember him.

It was like a great life lesson.