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With thanks to Lia, a must-read.

Aoi Honoo IV - Prologue (the introduction)

Disclaimer: Full translation of AH4's Prologue done via machine translation (ChatGPT, Google Translate, DeepL and several other obscure online dictionaries). This means: nuances may be lost, meanings may be vague/muddled, but the relevant information is present. (@/LiaRyFS)

In 2019-2020, Hanyu Yuzuru thought about various things and hesitated, but ultimately he strongly decided to jump the quad Axel. Looking back on that season, he said as follows.

“2019 was a year of constant battle for me, including the World Championships in Saitama in March. I had been practising the quad Axel for a while, but it didn't go well for a long time… Sometimes I could jump it when I practised with a harness, and I thought, 'If I could do more of this, I might be able to do it.' But I also got injured again while trying things out, and there were many things that happened that season.

It was a year in which I kept challenging myself, but it was also a year in which I felt a sense of defeat as if everything had been broken. It's like there's nothing I can do on my own power, and that's how it felt…

At the Torino Grand Prix Final, of course, I felt that even if I made a lot of effort, I couldn't win without the support of the people around me. I somehow felt at that time that there is a world where no matter how much effort you put in, you can't win without the moment when everyone's power comes together, like at the Olympics.

However, it was a bit different from the statement made at the 2022 Beijing Olympics that 'effort will not be rewarded'. At that time, I think my desire to 'just get better' was still strong, so I was expressing those kinds of thoughts. As the consecutive competitions went on, I lost the strength to say such things when I lost at the All Japan Championships. 2019 was a year in which I struggled, not wanting to just be someone who won two consecutive Olympic titles, or someone from the past.”

When the new year began, he tried to find his way out of that despair.

“Since 2020, I have tested myself and thought a lot about what figure skating really means. So with the desire to regain my confidence, I returned to skating to my programs, ‘Ballade No. 1 in G minor’ (hereinafter referred to as ‘Ballade No. 1’) and ‘SEIMEI’. Since I had not yet won first place in the Four Continents Championships, there was a similar feeling of joy to my first victory in the 2019 GP Skate Canada. (N/T: Winning Skate Canada and 4CC sparked similar feelings of joy) I was really happy to have won! I think it was a big deal that Nathan Chen didn't participate at that time, but still winning the Four Continents for the first time and being able to win all the competitions that I had left behind gave me a sense of achievement and I was enveloped in a great sense of accomplishment.

However, what was bothering me inside was still the quadruple Axel. Even if I skated 'Ballade No.1' more beautifully than before and improved technically, there was a sense of resignation that 'I can't get a score higher than 2015' or something like that. The competition was the one where I felt like I had finally let go of my doubts and decided to focus solely on attempting the quadruple Axel. In a sense, that season was when I was able to establish a clear path towards expressing myself through the program and the 4A.”

However, his feelings were complex towards the World Championships that were coming up next (N/T: WC2020)

“In retrospect, I feel like I wasn't as fully invested in preparing for the World Championships as I thought I was, although at the time I was putting in my best effort. Unfortunately, it was ultimately cancelled due to the impact of the coronavirus. Winning the Four Continents Championship was a very fulfilling achievement, and I don't think it's normal to experience burnout after winning Four Continents, but in a way, there was a sense of resignation and a lifting of the confusion in my heart, combined with the fact that I was going to compete against Nathan, so... to be honest, that World Championships wasn't a competition where I had to jump the quadruple Axel, and the quadruple Axel wasn't a jump I could do even after practising it for about two weeks.

Since the program with the quad Lutz, 'SEIMEI,' had a different composition, I aimed to stabilise that first, and also, I had already peaked a little since the Four Continents, so honestly, during that short period, I couldn't do much except to adjust to get back to my peak.

However, at that time, the fear of competing against Nathan had already disappeared. It's like, 'I don't mind losing anymore' (laughs). In a way, until the cancellation of the World Championships, I always thought that it would be enough for me to firmly express what I wanted to express and to firmly follow the path of figure skating that I believed in.

However, when the World Championships were actually cancelled, I cried a lot. I couldn't help but wonder, ‘What was I working so hard for?’ And when it was actually cancelled, I realised that I hated going into competitions with the mind-set of 'losing'.”

From there, the spread of the novel coronavirus increased and the situation became such that people were unable to move around freely.

“In the end, that was the end of the 2019-2020 season, and after that, the spread of the coronavirus began, but I didn't have much hope. I was devastated at the 2019 GP Final and All-Japan, and had given up after ‘Ballade No. 1’ at the 2020 Four Continents Championships. From that time on, I didn't have much hope while practising. Rather, the only goal was ‘to jump the quadruple Axel!’

Even if my skating skills and other things improve, it doesn’t mean that the program components score will grow any further. Even if I perfected the expression through music, even if I matched the sound of the jumps to the sound of the music. Even if I did jumps with more variations from difficult steps, the GOE will not improve significantly. Rather, because of that, the speed would be slower and the height of the jumps lower, so some judges give 0 or +1 GOE.

In that sense, I felt like ‘I don't really care about those things anymore’ and decided to be true to myself. Although it may sound like an excuse, rather than trying to do something while decorating myself as 'Yuzuru Hanyu', I think I started practising with the feeling of facing my own core and jumping the quadruple Axel, thinking ‘I'm going to finish this’. So, when I came back to Japan, I started training with that mind-set.

To be honest, there were times when I felt really hopeless, and when the World Championships were cancelled, I cried with relief thinking, ‘I'm glad I don't have to go to a losing match’. In reality, I hadn't been able to push myself to the limit and I wasn't able to perform as well as I wanted to.”

Challenging himself alone in Japan after returning home was even more difficult than he had imagined. Later, Hanyu talked about that time.

“In those days, I felt like I spent a lot of time having a dialogue with myself and facing skating. The desire to successfully perform a quad axel was always at the core of my being. After the Pyeongchang Olympics, I had absolutely no motivation, so if I didn't have the quad Axel, I think I would have definitely quit, and I would have thought about retiring earlier. But thanks to that, I think I now have a reason to live pursuing my dreams, and that is the centre of my current life. I think that hasn't changed from those days to now.

However, at that time, there were challenges in pursuing the quad Axel jump. There were times when the gears didn't quite mesh due to factors such as not having a coach to guide me, changes in practice environment, and issues with body care that I had to decide on my own. At that time, I had a feeling that not only my 4A but also the level of what I was doing was gradually decreasing. I had a feeling like, 'Why am I even doing figure skating?'...It was like a sense of loss. It's like my own abilities were diminishing, or like my skating wasn't my own anymore. I felt a strong sense of sadness, like seeing my ideals getting further and further away from me. When I perform in ice shows or when I have my coach watch me skate, I receive feedback like 'this was good' or 'let's try this a little differently' but when I set such a high goal for myself like attempting the quad Axel alone, I have to spend every day unable to achieve it. I was doing it without any self-affirmation in the midst of that.”

In addition, he completed his graduation thesis for the correspondence course of the Waseda University Faculty of Human Sciences at the end of July, but the burden of collecting data for it was also significant.

“That required a lot of energy. What was published in academic journals was really just a small part, and we actually collected much more data and did various things. It took time to collect that data and required a lot of mental effort as well. At that time, various things coincided. My foot hurt from practising the quadruple Axel, and I had to rest from practice. When I returned to practice, I couldn't jump at all... Everything was already leaning in a negative direction.”

The cancellation of the ice show that used to be held every year, due to the spread of the new coronavirus infection, was also a loss for Hanyu, who had always continued to challenge himself with a forward-looking attitude.

“To be honest, there was a time when I didn't understand why I loved skating. If we really, really go back to the origin, it was something like an extraordinary feeling. The sensation on the ice is completely different from the sensation of living on the ground, isn't it? Because it's such a difficult thing, I think there was a sense of joy when I was able to do it. And then, skating alone on that wide rink and everyone watching only me. If my performance was good, I would receive tremendous cheers, but if it was bad, I would only get mediocre feedback.

I think that sensation of being watched, of being seen, is something that I really liked. But as I continued skating for a long time, that feeling gradually faded away, or became commonplace. In addition to that, there was also a lot of pressure to meet everyone's expectations, and it became not just fun, but also nerve-wracking, worrying about what would happen if I failed, and so on. It was because of the accumulation of those things, and the increasing burden that came with it, that it stopped being enjoyable, or rather, there was no time to think about enjoying it anymore.

I feel a lot of pressure to 'perform well’ even at ice shows, so I practise a lot for that purpose. So, I think that's why, during the off-season when I wasn't in front of everyone, I started to feel even more like 'why did I love skating again?'”

In the midst of feeling cornered, he had to think and make various decisions on his own. And he had to keep challenging himself with the high hurdle of the quadruple Axel.

“There were times when things didn't go well, and that's why at that time, my mind and my head were in a mess and I felt like I couldn't do anything. Normally, if I played a game or something, it would refresh me and I would think ‘Alright, let's do our best next time,’ but at that time, there was nothing I could do.

Experiencing the pain of practising alone to the point of hating it, Hanyu decided to withdraw from the Grand Prix series during that period. The Grand Prix series of this year was held in a modified format due to travel restrictions between countries. Each skater was allowed to participate in only one event, and the conditions for participation included skaters, judges, and officials from the host country, as well as skaters who regularly practised in the host country. In addition, only skaters from other countries who were invited based on their geographical location were able to participate.

Afterwards, the second event Skate Canada and the fourth event in France were cancelled, and only the first event Skate America, the third event in China, the fifth event in Russia, and the sixth event NHK Trophy were held. The Final was also announced to be cancelled.

In August, Hanyu took into consideration that "many people would have to travel due to my participation".

He announced his withdrawal, saying, "If I refrain from going and make efforts to prevent the spread of infection, I believe it can be one of the activities to prevent the spread of infection." For Hanyu, who has used going to competitions as a way to stimulate his emotions and as a source of energy for his evolution, it was a difficult decision.

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