abigfuckingbully

[abigfuckingbully]

dope fiend I want a dopey girl a pretty dopey girl who doesn't mind touch and doesn't censor lust can't cast shade in her differently colored eyes one blue one brown like @krotchy stars in her eyes boys are a drag want a girl so high on dope she says exactly what she feels gushes like a pining schoolboy but I don't wait up it won't make the summer last

[abigfuckingbully]

sorry if this is tacky, I'm just enthusiastic about the possibilities for Mika the sun and moon couldn't be more different and yet they light the sky like each other as many possibilities as stars I get excited by the virtue of proving people wrong and that seems possible with you an unlikely friendship that start haphazardly like a blind date "thank you for letting me be myself" thank you for being you thank you for being here cancel culture censors just didn't like it moral arugments put in the wrong place to scare everyone into the same homogenous ideas Korea doesn't deal with race well China doesn't deal with race well Japan doesn't deal with race well consensus is just another group think you want to join anarchy? you'll have to talk to your higher ups a drug free society a drug free society: I try not to think of it because utopia hurts I try not to imagine a place where not a single girl was date raped where there was not a single act of violence from on a drunken night not a single woman shutting out all life while she's fucked up on pills not a single overdose not a single account of drug induced psychosis not a single drunk driving accident not a single false accusation just a dead sober society as free as they are of drugs a.d.i.d.a.s./young & buxom ugly girls or pretty girls white girls or Persian girls we want you all day I dream about sex and imagine a life with you like I feel when I see Demi Rose Mawby young and buxom the explosive lust I feel when I see you I can fill days with just the thought of you like a drug I didn't choose I choose you and I hope you feel the same rush of dopamine thinking of me cancel culture 2 assail me free me unknown to the public I'll pay for the killteam's warcrimes I look for excuses to be slaughtered I look for excuses to be called out freedom of speech/cancel culture 3 you won't dare choke on it yr last words would be censored it'll take years to face empire for a truly free speech gag the ones you disagree with strangle hope in the uneasily tamed swallow a load (of pills) of benzos to sand off the edges I would die for yr right to hate me would you die for mine? homo deus settle a lie to build an empire seeding the rest of our men close up and blush when she gets close to the truth trauma I have the privelege of not remembering I am not tormented by my molestation it's something that happened to me and changed the way I see life but I cannot say I am championing for a cause not even my own I just don't want it to happen to anyone else we got lucky we survived and I pray it doesn't happen to anyone else

[abigfuckingbully]

infinite and one there's no way to kill me I will always survive and I will always resurrect as something new and unusual there is a dissonance between the world I inhabit and the animal I want to be a killing machine a reich with a bullet in my helmet and a mermaid tattooed in my arm and a cigar nub hanging from my lips and the war machine gnashing on I'm suppposed to take it out of here I'm supposed to take everything I can no one knows where I'm from I just keep living living like this like I've gotta survive like I'm the one

[abigfuckingbully]

this is where you belong I know there is a place for me here on earth in this one and only life I have the privelege to live I trust that in time I will be embraced for who I am and I will take every liberty and I will take all your enmity if it costs me that and I will be washed clean by it I don't want to be worshipped I just want to be and I will know and I will hear and I will sing this is where you belong krokodil 4/"the drug that eats junkies" yr not sorry Bunny yr not a sad junkie and I don't believe you I can't believe you it hurts me that yr so easy to hurt it hurts me that yr so willing to hurt me why don't you banish me to this corner of the internet return to the needle or pressed in pill form yr veins are filled with gasoline yr love is explosive my heart is as flammable it's like krokodil a song about Bunny your misery is yrs you stand by it why can't you keep it to yrself I tried, I pried but with good intentions I just wanted to show you I care I just wanted you to know I won't give up I just wanted you to see who I could be to you I just wanted you to see who I could be with you an echo in an empty basin the hills roll wildly for me and I am broken by yr jaded disinterest and I am broken by yr jest and I am broken by yr indifference and I wish that things were different

[abigfuckingbully]

affection is expensive a German girl auctions off her virginity for 3.9 million dollars to a Dubai business man a woman won't even look at me let alone fuck me affection is expensive ravaged by mental illness and totally alone I survive one unloved day quitting art you can't tell other people what to do you can't make anybody Elaine Kahn is a sexist pig if you don't like being treated like shit and judged for yr sex then don't do it to other people every woman's ideas are sacred to themselves redpilled story 5 it's cool when you realize that women don't have to like you they've fucked people they've hated before and they'll do it again

[abigfuckingbully]

ineffectual crypsis for Kenny the Down Syndrome Tiger you can be overly grateful you can bow before you've even fought take one for the team when there is none there is no community and there is no community for people who think for themselves they must suffer the cross alone they must suffer the indignities of breaking their bonds fleeing from their cages the insufferable domesticity forced on white down-syndrome tigers from years of forced inbreeding the only thing to show for their mutant genes is a white coat where camoflage is useless we couldn't survive in nature we should know everything we know is wrong stalker 9 creeping thru night I find myself stymied by the collapsing fear a total wreck with my pistol in my hands each bullet has a place loaded in it's magazine and myself with only one purpose to ravage the night to ravage her a loving streetwalker the apple of my eye the one destined for violence and my one willingness to give it to her to give her everything I know I can all the sensations waiting for us both at the end of the barrell my itchy trigger finger lusts for her to fill her up with lead overflowing with joy and come born again in her blood I'm born to take her life milk it rainbows of silk caterpillars painted by sunlight smog choked skies strangling colored in the high line can't untether the thing the prickly patterned pieces take apart the miracles that made us break us on solid ground do you hear it? does it do this in it's separation tangled in a dirty dusk does it do this milk it milk it for everything everything I could want to say and more take it for granted rotting off the bone take it away and make it decay it's for all of us when you want it it's for all of us when you want it it's for all of us when you want it it's for all of us when you want it

[abigfuckingbully]

let angels blood like sacrifice and like light thru the heavens like rain breakthru to earth drunk on unholy waters the last rider a plague

[abigfuckingbully]

Not a Fan

anyone can join all you need is some rope or a pitchfork

poetry is narcissism, people don't wanna know they just want to see themselves represented, as if representation were the fulcrum of political change

the medium is the message except for in writing

all conceptual art requires a crutch

maybe that's why Bunny's a junkie

occupational hazard, nature of the game

II.

don't tell people what you really think

they don't want to know

they'd rather believe that opinions change reality despite all you can't control

bigotry will never evaporate and I like it that way

people will be forced to realize that you are allowed your bigotry to the beginnings of action, that's as far as you can go before becoming a problem,

people have a problem with Joe Rogan, it's much easier to have a problem with me

don't tell people what you think and virtue signal, imitate other writers until you have a first book then write your real shit, indie lit is exactly like being a pop star, you cant make what you really want to until you write what the editor think will sell, and that's P.C. policing politico horseshit,

trans rights are especially important, editors like women are always right, all art by black and trans people is good, and women are better people than you, suggest art isn't a competition while participating in the myth that the published and higher ups are verified geniuses

III.

temporary escapes don't exist for the lonely, men anyways, I'm with incels on women not knowing the definition of that word, having lived nothing remotely like loneliness, there will always be someone there for them, men who are willing to fuck them people willing and interested in meeting them

I agree 100% with incels that women don't know what it means to be lonely. I have no friends. I have no car. I have one match on Tinder and she's Chinese, my least favorite race besides Indian for cultural not aesthetic reasons. Well it's aesthetic in regards to Asians but I always thought Indian girls were pretty. Maybe because my ex gf was hot and Indian. Miss you Akila. I'm less racist against a girl I've had sex with. The Chinese don't seem sexual to me.

The thing about Tarot Cards is you have to get good at a whole other skill to be able to start using it to pick up women. Fortune telling is fun but practicing fortune telling on your own alone is discouraging. I don't have that many questions to answer. People can really become dependent on that shit. If I was a tarot card I'd be the hanged man

IV.

Sex changes everything. It wires you to believe life has a purpose. You can't fake it, the hormones produced, the connection. Try porn dolls pillows and sex toys. They won't work. You must have sex and I'm not having any. I'm out here two weeks unshaven giving them the incel vibes.

V.

Making the first move: what am I supposed to do? To entice a potential mate? I'm not even that bad but I feel like women look at all initial contact w/ disgust. If you are not famous or yoked your making contact is invasive. Women are so satisfied. I want to hold your hand by the Beatles plays. What could I say that would unveil my full humanity to you? Charity and sympathy won't lead to sex. How can I appeal to your vanity and your needs? I will do anything for you, baby. Touch me.

Please touch me.

VI. The happy incel

The happy incel respects no no matter how many times he hears it

for the happy incel, ignorance is bliss

the happy incel wouldn't hurt a fly

because the happy incel respects women no matter what

so he's not getting laid, at all

he hasn't felt a woman's touch in his life

that's not the measure of a man

so what is sex literally releases dopamine and other chemicals that give life meaning? I don't need em. I'll look to monks as my role models

I'm the happiest incel

Who could hate women, not me, I'm happy.

[abigfuckingbully]

/Jessica/ A kiss on the first date may as well be having fucked them, is like plucking me, the flower I am, before I had half a life to blossom and then trying to tape my head back on like a kid-squeezed dandelion, except I’m the one I'm for. Rubbed me under your chin to see if it'd show up yellow, if it shows up yellow you're in love. Never showed up yellow. But then cancer is a kiss you never gave. I end up eating my love. Burnt toast and high fructose 'spread.' There's no difference between dominance and submission. Power is just going through the motions and there's nothing more pathetic than that. Making myself more conversational. Making myself more commercial. Gag me. I want to be your dog. I will be your muscle. You can be my muzzle. II. It’s a metaphor: Love is a prison you make for yourself and sometimes someone else, where, for all of our sakes you stand on the outside of the cage. III. Story about a girl who takes you home but won't sleep with you. Don't slip her the pink. She's playing for pink slips. Part where you both fight tears in your eyes in front of each other after you make the mistake of telling her you like her. You have no idea. She is disgusted but likes you too. I ask her if she's alright because I know she's not. Her beauty is a pleasure I, like every man, stroke with thought and ceaselessly spit polish to a rusting decrepitude, to fake jewelry stains. Love like I'm stoned, clearly not much of a smoker, paranoid, keeps talking anyway, running your mouth, says too much, she says just enough, both proving yourselves to be proving yourselves. Proving yourselves to have broken promises you both, mutually but alone, made to yourselves. 'I need another copy.' 'You threw it away.' Clavicles pouring themselves out as she crushes the ember in a cigarette butt and smiles passive aggressively. IV. It's disgusting that it's so easy to forget to treat people like they're going to die one day. Instead we start small wars. The smaller the wounds the better. We should all stay strangers so we can keep hurting each other on purpose on accident. V. Trash compactor in the alley light like it’s a halo in Touched By An Angel. Throw me away like the person I loved most in my life. Take me for granted like I did with my exes. Imagine it was something so it feels like there's the intimacy of a history. Press my buttons to find out I'm inside. But then Karma only happens to people who believe in a punishing God in a merciless world.

[abigfuckingbully]

NON PLAYER CHARACTER

I should log off. It's that simple. Just log off. But then you feel like your only connection to the outside world is in yr smart phone, you feel like if you don't score some likes today you'll feel the small amount of social activity you have going for you won't exactly satisfy you. Can't think of how ot make friends in real life because you've been accused of stalking a girl and yr hometown, which you are trapped in financially as a permanently disabled person, hates you. If you made more money than the $800/month stipend from the government you could try travelling but then you hit the same wall of having to be a p.c. pro queer robot who agrees with the idea of calling fat people 'marginalized bodies.' You find most of the complaining going on by white first worlders to be meaningless and in the way of affecting real change. You, unlike most people, decided to be an artist which means logically, if you're an authentic enough person you have to absolutely let go of any fantasies that you're changing anything. That meme about NON PLAYER CHARACTERS is absolutely true. People are fucking clones and arrogant about what they believe. It's not what you believe but yr shitty attitude about believing it. * * * They keep recommending me Blake Middleton, Kat Giordino* (or whatever the fuck) Zac Smith, Bud Smith, the entire banal/bland/bullshit crew of people on that side of the internet. Blake Middleton took a shot at Kerouac, saying he's an alchoholic who lived with his mom. I'm pretty sure that dude took care of his sick potentially dying mom, so what a fucked up dig to make. But I also think it really shallow that people attack who people 'are' to degrade their art. It's pathetic. Zac Smith did the same thing to me. He said shit that would get his ass kicked if we were talking in person. I don't think he realizes that he's an idiot and owes me a fucking apology, not that I would care if I got one. Alt/Indie lit is a cesspool. It's disgusting that I'm supposed to admire someone like Tao Lin, or look to Blake Middleton's writing and think it's good. These are the people who are winning? 50 Barn poems? Stories about how bad Trump is? I think we've got it covered. It's been happening since Bush, we get it, the old white man is bad. I want to believe. I want to like something by my contemporaries. I want to get along with people and think they're good but they're really arrogant and they're really fucking stupid and they're really bad at writing. It gets worse. It only gets worse. Somebody like Darcie is an artist and I'm looked at with confusion by people. But it ultimately doesn't matter. Most people will not remember Bud Smith outside of the incestuous in crowd. Most people will not think of Blake Middleton when they think of good/original writing. Most people will not admit that Elizabeth Ellen's Person/a isn't that great of a novel even though it kept me reading. Most people will say Darcie Wilder is good. People like Molly Soda. But people also like drugs, beer, cigarettes, and Tao Lin and for that I can say: fuck you. Fuck every last one of you.

[abigfuckingbully]

if I was to look at it clearly I wouldn't even be invested there's absolutely no reciprocated line of interest she's busy all the time, not available makes you a low priority, makes her a low priority she's a drug addict first rule of codependence is that you accept your partner's codependence this is like buying a ticket to what you know will end like the Titanic she doesn't respect my time she had me write her letters but then couldn't, for any reason, be bothered to write one back I told her I 'loved' her, this of course is a total loss of composure and a sure way to drive a girl away from you. If she was looking at it clearly, which she is instinctually, she would know it's better not to get involved with a guy who has an excessive amount of free time on his hands and is too eager to receive a fucking message from her. This level of thirst/idealization is disgusting to women and it makes perfect sense. I can't blame her. * * *

[abigfuckingbully]

all the time doubt you'd be saying that if the genders were reversed basic human decency is too much to askk utnil genders are reversed the materialist liberty without mercy... "you can be freer w/o it" a society without words all of us in awe of it all all the time break away all the chains holding me let someone be the everything you want to be romance is dead romance is dead a pile of broken bones limbs torn apart after reaching for something abstract and unattainable. Why build the dominion of man here? Leave the ethereal and reunite with evil earth. directive you can take everything take the offensive the position of an anti-intellectual: like an ape mounting his mate like a club broken over the head like a stone cracked on accident the position of an anti-intellectual like Charlie Chaplin laughing like Charlie Chaplin beating his wife brother my brother sends me a video an elephant with large tusks using them to gore humans and overturn jeeps because domesticitty's abuses will not be tolerated and nature will never submit clown car tiger snapped the tamer's neck dragged him off to bliss drunk driver in the clown car whiskey soaked smiles cracking thru the makeup a hiccup in the behavior a lag from the whiplash circus elephants blowing their trunks on the audience cancer in the third ring the trapezist hardly paying attention could turn to glue from the rings impact if distracted all I wanted was a place to stay all I wanted was a place to say I'm sorry without being pathetic I want to both ride the elephants and feel I should be crushed by them an eternity of affections I can love you forever tomboy soft turn of the other cheek clever without being clever weighted squats or a kickflip or a layup or a hold up, a cowgirl and you cuss like a genius, I love the way you cuss even your swears are gentle, tomboy the day they release the mass shooter dragging it back from the river a neck inbetween it's teeth like all my feelings one more day dead sober and I might snap commit an act of violence forget who I'm holding onto wondering why I just can't let it go Rafi's dad survived on cans of spam to go to college he was studying in Chicago to become a doctor in California all the way from Lebanon from genocidal war torn country, to most gun deaths in America the number one skill a human can have is will power but on my life I will never know what drives Rafi's dad criminal we bombed an armored car to see it pop cash like candy outta pinata manson family material she sent a mass shooter a picture of her pussy? I could have been a CrimethInc. kid 2 In addition to dropping out of college I wanted to drop out of society. I was 16 years old when I told my mom I wanted to become a hitchhiker and drop off the face of the earth. I'd read enough CrimethInc. and anarchist polemics to be inculcated into thinking that a life of train hopping and eating garbage could be both a moral and radical act. Thank God I never hopped that train. Brian Alan Ellis is my enemy people (hippies) are always talking about how your rejection of other people is a rejection of some aspect of self in this case it is that I see absolutely none of myself in Brian and I thank God there is nothing I could to become like him. In all my life I never could.

[abigfuckingbully]

Call Out Cancer 1

Call Out Cancer/How I became a ‘stalker’ I knew her for 8 years before we’d ever fucked. We both shared a mutual attraction the entire time we’d known each other but she had a boyfriend the entire time I’d known her so the mutual sexual attraction remained ‘hidden’, as hidden as any sexual attraction could be. People know and notice it but remain committed enough to abstain from acting on the impulse. Only an idiot would hold the belief that it’s untrue that every guy wants to fuck your girlfriend. They almost all want to fuck your girlfriend except maybe people who know and care about you. Because respect for men usually comes with a disinterest in their partner. Unless yr singing “Jesse’s girl” or “My best friends girl” or some pathetic shit like that. It was good timing, I had just cheated on my girlfriend for the third and final time before being exposed. I don’t know how she knew but the girl L, who I slept with called me and as soon as she hung up my girlfriend at the time knew and asked directly, “Did you sleep with L?” I suspected my friend J ratted me out to Remy. I tried breaking up with Remy but she convinced me to continue to be with her. I at that point decided I no longer gave a fuck and though I could eventually let the rotting limb of our relationship fall apart so that I could regain: myself! I was sick of the pressure of having a hot wealthy girlfriend had on my psyche. I was failing to provide for myself and I hated who I was being, being taken care of by a woman who needed me to get my shit together. She loved me but I don’t miss her. Anyways, we broke up. After breaking up/cheating on her and being exposed, I headed back home to live with my Momma. Back in San Jose, where 'C’ who I had known for 8 years and knew wanted to fuck me lived. ’M’ international artist and Instagram phenomena, who I also would later start fucking again, got me 'C’s’ phone number. I made sure to text her as soon as I got in. C I mean. Messaging C was easy for me and she arranged to meet me within the week. I started seeing C. As soon as we slept together she got weird and said that she wanted us to be discrete. That she didn’t like the idea of being open about us being together. I being a pussy at this time, passively agreed to this 'idea’ though I do remember asking 'Why?'She explained that she did break up with 'R’ but 'R’ was still a part of her life and she didn’t want him to be totally aware of 'us.’ I can’t remember whether she wanted to hide it or just not announce it but I shouldn’t have agreed either way. But being squeamish at/around age 22 about conflicts with women, I passively entertained an affirmative to this idea. I should already see I’m being groomed but not enough experience with sketchy/self centered women made me a really naive and “nice” guy. (“You’re so affectionate.” she would say after we fucked. Like caring about who you’re fucking was weird/gay.) I continued sleeping with her regardless, ignoring the important gut feelings that I was going to be fucked over by this person/these people. But I’m 22. I don’t exactly 'get it’. After beginning to fuck her I would have nightmares in her bed. I once had a nightmare where a man appeared suddenly at the foot of this bed. (in a punk house/shed) with an enormous sledge hammer. The lighting was pink/red and as the man lifted the sledge hammer to bash my brains out. I woke up screaming, shot up in her bed, surrounded by three tick infested dogs, the breeds a mystery to me. It was only a few times out before things god bad. I remember being half naked in her bed when she explained to me that her boyfriend was texting. She informed me of the text. “He’s saying that you fetishize women of color.” “What is he even basing that in?” I asked. “Because I’m dating you?” “I don’t know. I don’t agree with it.” This was another point in which I clearly should have fucked off. It’s clear that this guy is desperate to do/say anything out of jealousy to get this girl to stop fucking me. I was a victim of the abuse of call out/cancel culture. Who the fuck could even reason with these people. Their politics were so backwards–they were literally masking personal cowardice in the idea of a progressive politic. The dudes clearly possessive of your pussy and should be addressed. But here I am, an innocent man, suddenly on trial. Are these people retarded? Call out culture wasn’t invented to keep men out of yr ex-gf’s pussy. We continued seeing each other. I don’t know why I didn’t see this as a potential end. But I didn’t. I was clearly committed to the relationship. I mean I knew her for 8 years. She was a 'progressive’. She wouldn’t treat me like fucking dirt. She knows how fucked up it would be… II. One day we met up with each other at her place. She was having a lot of friends over. I knew her friends and I trusted them. They were also 'progressives’ and I felt that would warrant proper treatment. My life would not become a Bush song. Or so I thought. We hung out that day. A walk around San Pedro Square and St. James then out to burritos at La Victoria’s. They were talking food quality. Apparently she was an aficionado. I had hardly ever complained about food so being aware of food quality was low priority. I grew up to poor to give a fuck. I wasn’t going to notice anything that wasn’t inedible. By mid afternoon we met up at her house. She was invited to a show that was going on that day in Oakland but because she was having car trouble she said she wouldn’t be going. So, I, after everyone offered her a ride, and she would deny them, I thought, maybe, I know it’s crazy, that we would keep hanging out. I asked. She said yes. So we started getting settled into her bed, in her shed, the bed I have nightmares in when I stayed/slept over. We were watching Netflix. I can’t remember what but as we were watching she got a text. It was from her ex boyfriend. He was offering her a ride. I understood that her ex boyfriend was going to be a part of her life but I wasn’t cool with being a stand-in on-call for him. She 'asked me’ if it would be okay if she went to the show. I was too ashamed to voice ti at the time but I felt really annoyed that I was expendable and that we just agreed to hang out but now that her boyfriend/ex boyfriend was free, I was disposable. I got ready to leave because it’s not a self respecting position to tell a woman disinterested in you/oblivious to your being that it actually pisses you off that she’s renegging. I left without saying how I really felt. Not because I"m a coward but because the situation didn’t make sense to me until I was separated from it. I explained my feelings about the whole thing in text as I was waiting on the bus bench for the 22. I was getting a sunburn and getting pissed off. That plans with me meant nothing. I told her how I felt respectfully but angry. She didn’t respond well. If I remember right she invalidated my feelings by saying I didn’t have a right to be angry. As if women I fuck determine this right. I said some harsh words, got home, thought about it more,and got even angrier. That’s when I resorted to Facebook messages to explain my feelings. I was even more pissed and less eloquent. The responses to my feelings were vague and hugely political. It wasn’t a political issue. Which is when I realized how often the idea of the personal being political was abused to avoid dealing directly and simply with a relationship issue.(This would be when I realize how rare it is to actually meet a feminist and not a person who used feminism to was their hands of the consequences of their decisions.) (Could never be fully 'feminist’ after this.) (But it gets worse.) She ended up made at ME after I tried to explain how fucked up it is that plans w/ me are dependent on if her ex boyfriend was/is available. She said I was being 'abusive’. I had done nothing but voice my anger and she reiterated that I didn’t have a right to my anger. The browbeating worked. I was young and a feminist so I started to think I was 'overreacting’ and was in the wrong. Even then it was obvious I Was getting the shaft. Next time I saw her I said sorry. She said, “I don’t want to be anyone’s emotional punching bag.” She misused it. As if voicing my anger to a woman was the equivalent of abuse. As soon as my apology came out I realized how fucked up this idea was. No matter how angry I was it seemed that having a spine and not being overly grateful for getting pussy had landed me in a category of 'abusive.’ Even if I had said, “FUCK YOU YOU ARROGANT FUCKING CUNT,” Which I never said, this would still be, to me, within the realm of an okay expression of anger. I never let the awful things women have said to me in anger get me down no matter how bad it got. I would never claim 'abuse.’ I would recognize systemic shit talk or violence as abuse. All other expressions including a woman pitching shit at me was welcome Not because I"m a submissive but because I had seen in my life people spend endless amounts of time trying to be intelligent and articulate about what angered them only to find them wildly unhappy and just as repressed as if they’d said nothing at all. It was a greatly misunderstood virtue to be pissed and just say what you feel/think. People should have the tolerance to be prepared for the worst a human can say and return to normal after a conflict. Especially being fucked with at this point. But I said sorry to her at a restaurant. A jazz club that I am now banned from for something I would do during a literal psychotic break. Fuck Stritch and the cokehead/failing musician who runs it. She was with her friends who were also arrogant enough to forgive me. After this we stopped spending time with each other. I don’t remember what happened or how it happened I was too mad. I had borrowed her Anne Sexton book after sharing the poems I wrote her in my book, 'Dumb Stuttering Free’ that I would plug here but it’s now extinct/out of press, and that was the end of seeing her. I would message her again feeling worse than ever about how this person was treating me. She wouldn’t meet me in person to talk about it. I pressed the issue in FB messages. Nothing would be resolved. Instead I would be banned from the cafe this woman worked at. I’d been writing at that cafe since before she was an employee and I didn’t understand how having sex with someone then pissing them off was grounds to get permanently banned from the space. I knew that if the roles were reversed no one would even give a fuck that I’d fucked this person and there wouldn’t be any issue of 'being in the same space.’ This seemed like something a child would do. III. I got back from my 3 months in New York only meeting Sarah Jean out of the Bunny Rogers, Sarah Jean, Lucy K Shaw, and Gabby Bess I went looking for at Mellow Pages when I went. I lost my mind (literally) and also lost my job stealing from work. I was caught the same day I’d secured my own room as well. So I gave it three months. Now that I was at home again I knew I was going to be in the same town as this bitch for a while. I thought I Would make an effort at friendship/peace again. I still had her boring Anne Sexton book so I went to the cafe people hadn’t informed me officially of being banned from, (again, these people seem oblivious of how to do their own community policing,and I will never trust women again.) I went in with the book to return it and make peace. She 'wasn’t there’ so I went the next day as I was told to by a girl who worked there. Because 'C’ the cunt who gaslights me, would be here the next day. That day I would realize that the bitch had in fact been there yesterday but was too spineless to come upfront so her obese friend 'O’ approached and explained I was banned from the cafe. 'O’ was 'C’s roommate at the punk house she lived at. I have never hated women more. To boycott this treatment, I would visit the cafe during a night of one of their events with the band Wild Moth, friends of mine, playing. I knew it was likely I would get kicked out but I wanted to protest this evil bitch’s treatment of me and her alarmist position–I went early to the show. Her friends who still all liked me were there and we hung out before the show. The bitch who’d accused me of stalking her and had invited me to stick a knife in this bitch’s side, eventually came. Like a crazy person, she sat down, noticed me, then started growling and yelling. She walked huffy into the venue/cafe. Then the band came out. They gave me a friendly treatment. They asked me how I was/how writing was going and didn’t treat me like a stalker. But…they did ultimately explain that I couldn’t go to this show and that I should go to the next one. This was when I stopped supporting them. There’s no reason to be friends with people this spineless. Pandering to the human baby…it was this point that I had stopped being a feminist. That’s how I became a stalker. Other businesses were informed of my behavior. I was despised and lied about throughout my town. That’s how I became a 'stalker.’

[abigfuckingbully]

Someone told me to follow @thekarmawest on Instagram but I don't remember why. She's a sex worker, think she's a stripper, so most of her stories are shots of her ass/tits--when I quit porn I also quit following most fitness models or other hot girl acounts. I quit porn 9 months ago which included every potential form of it. Today before I unfollowed her she posted a video of her twerking--I was moved/completely turned on and that was the second time I ever seriously considered buying/paying for nudes. I've never while using porn, paid for it. I don't know why but @thekarmawest made me thirsty...s/o @thekarmawest * * * I'm not usually turned on/turned on by many women/porn actresses. Porn actresses loook like a certain kind of person, with a certain kind of body that is almost 'automatically erotic.' Porn actresses are fit/skinny/hot. Even PAWG porn seems limited in it's expression. Women that turn me on sexually/physically/primally have been women I met in real life, with huge breasts, thick, slightly muscular legs, and are arrogantly tall. 5' 6" to 5' 10". What I"m 'consciously' turned on by are thing women with shapely asses and long thick hair. My tastes diverge when it comes to my loins/desired aesthetic. Hentai has a way of capturing this impossible to replicate body type, the true thiccy... * * * The most turned on I'd ever been w/o porn, in real life, was approaching Hyunh, a tanned, thick legged Korean woman over 30 who liked to 'stay active'. She liked kayaking, the gym, hiking. She wore a little black dress everyday and just the sight of her thighs poking out of them got me hard. I had to make a conscious effort to diffuse all sexual interest when she would come to my work. I had already hit on her at her job, a jewelry store in the mall, and though she seemed flattered she wasn't even remotely interested. She didn't seem to mind me getting close, tugging on the hem of her dress, but when I finally asked her if she would meet up with me at Forager, she rejected me. I can, to this day, get off at the thought of Hyunh's legs/tan. * * * Though I seem to strike out with older women, I also notice myself into them often. There has to be something highly sexual about them. Older women who ooze sex ooze sex in a really primal way for me. A girl my age who I want to fuck I can usually get to know/have a shot w, so I can manage maybe a number. But with older women my boderline fetish isn't reciprocated. Older women who ooze sex ooze it in a way you think they probably shouldn't and that's the trigger. Should I fuck someone old enough to be a professor at De Anza, probably not, but then someone like Hyunh appears and I can't think about anything else. A true M.I.L.F. * * * Attraction for me is interesting. There are girls like (who we'll Bad E) Bad E that I instantly can feel is going to come and there's people like A or B, both thin and like 5' 10" who are really hot but don't register sexually. People like Bad E are people I can't resist. Could not pass up the opportunity to fuck with. While dealing with A was a headache, I had to be persistent and whose beauty is more like a model than Bad E. Feel the same way about B. Sex was never that good w/ A but I think I loved her a lot and got close to her emotionally. With Rose it was both emotional and physical. The most intense sexual connection I may ever have. With Remy it was mostly romantic and the sex suffered, only came once whild drunk. People I like/want to know aren't always hot in the typically sexual way I associate with the word. They're pretty. * * * Cute - attractive/dateable, not sexual Hot - Sexual/primal Pretty - sexual enough but still aesthetic/heady Beautiful - more sexual but still as aesthetic as primal * * * I wish I could talk to all my ex-girlfriends. Interview them about dating me. If they were all as open as Rose then I'd be able to learn something. Last I'd heard from Rose she was writing about me too... * * * I aim for women my age or older. My fantasy about dating Maisie Williams is outside of this. Would prefer someone my age--feel like this would be best testament to my maturity/capability as a man. Feel like older women could be easily flattered and over eager for young fun dick. * * * Feel like I know how to handle myself with a girl I want to fuck more than a girl I like. Not that it's so often mutually exclusive.

[abigfuckingbully]

Aiden Burke: This book is based in reality. How autobiographical is it?

Atticus Davis: This book is heavily autobiographical. It's a warped version of true life events.

Aiden Burke: You used to play music?

Atticus Davis: I grew up playing music. I thought originally that I was going to be a successful musician but I found it incredibly difficult. I was getting good at guitar, I had started a few bands from the ages of 16-19. Tried to make solo work but quit. I was depressed. Everyone I worked with 'couldn't do it anymore' or just 'lost interest.' I was 19 when I really finally gave up music and the hope of starting a band. To be honestly I'll never fully give that dream up, I'm a great performer. I am interested in being vox for a post-hardcore/math band. If you live in the Bay Area and you like my poetry hmu. My brother is the only one still making music as of now and he lives in Japan. I thought we were going to make music together at one point and play out. Again, just never happened.

Aiden Burke: You started writing when you quit music?

Atticus Davis: Yeah. It was a great decision. I had full control over the outcomes whereas with music I was relying on so many other people and their being fickle...

I started writing this collection of poetry titled 'Adulthoods,' which is how I eventually met my ex-girlfriend. Which I think is described in the book.

I can finish what I start and get my work as far as I want when I write.

Aiden Burke: Music is still important to your life.

Atticus Davis: Absolutely. I grew up in punk which lead to a really young interest in Anarchism and Ecology. When I was 16-19 I was frequenting shows and the more I learned I heavier life felt. I read Evasion and I read Endgame by Derrick Jensen, which is about how civilizations are all unsustainable and how our only hope for our future is violence against the state and monkey wrenching. I still believe in those things. But I was radicalized and exposed to those politics mostly thru music. I was hugely connected in music but I stopped frequenting shows when I was falsely accused of stalking a peripheral friend I'd known for 8 years.

Aiden Burke: You were blacklisted?

Atticus Davis: I was used for sex and then disposed of. I started to try to talk to this person about how I felt and found them completely unsympathetic. I had an idea that her ex boyfriend would be part of the picture again but I had no idea that we weren't going to be friends after 8 years of knowing each other. I tried voicing how I felt but I was met with silence and disinterest in the conversation then deemed a stalker for not accepting the silence. Feel like stalkers aren't confrontational. Feel like if the gender roles were reversed people would have been defending me and up in arms. They would have had to talk.

Aiden Burke: That's a huge loss of faith for you.

Atticus Davis: Yeah, after that I couldn't #believewomen and lost all interest in feminism. It seemed like a girl's club, borderline female supremacy, and on the ground having too many inevitable pitfalls for me to give a fuck what happened to women.

Aiden Burke: You said in a previous interview that you're interested in 'the relationship story,' or that model. That appears a lot in this book too.

Atticus Davis: Yeah, I wanted this book originally to be a vehicle to talk about all my previous relationships but by the time I actually got to writing about those relationships my memory was so bad that I really had to mine myself for the content. It ended up having the relationship stories in it but having a completely different main thread.

Aiden Burke: And You said that was heavily influenced by alt lit/indie lit.

Atticus Davis: Yeah I literally just used to write poems about myself/my thoughts but I started reading people like Mary Miller and Elizabeth Ellen who write about other people. I didn't think/care if it was responsible I was just blown away that you could make art and sort of create these portraits of relationships with people you're dating/have dated. It makes you care more about those relationships and draw more meaning from them. Alt Lit/Indie Lit was a huge influence on me and initially reminded me of punk in that everyone was young and making this explosive/pop art. But they really aren't very punk, like, at all. The snobbery that pops up in countercultural/indie/punk circles is covered a lot in this book and that's what alt lit/indie lit starts to reek of. Punk was already dead to me at that point. Autobiographical fiction seemed like a very intimate thing. Like, real life stories with the names changed was completely new as an idea to me. A lot of the book No Such Thing as Broken is like @abigfuckingbully in that way.

Aiden Burke: In this book you're the main character. How much of this character are you?

Atticus Davis: The character is definitely a more potent version of myself because I can compose it but it's like a film in that it's 'hyperrealistic'

Aiden Burke: There's a scene where you repeat that, 'feminism is cancer.' Do you mean that?

Atticus Davis: No. The main character is an obstinate person who resists completely identifying as a feminist for the same reason I do. He's repeating a slogan he'd heard a woman tell him before, I took it from a conservative. It's mostly just to set himself apart from people who relinquish parts of themselves for the hope of cohesion/tolerance. He/I believe that in order to be moral/altruistic the way you arrive at and believe what you believe is as important.

It's also kind of an extreme inversion of the attitude of people virtue signalling. Hiding in a kind of filth of anti-social 'values'/ideas more than beliefs. Even if I believe what you believe I am/this character is definitely averse to wearing those beliefs on his sleeves because to him it feels more like a prostitution of belief or a way of building some exclusive club. I wrote it because I knew you're literally 'not allowed' to say that, it's like blasphemy of a religion, so definitely wanted to include it, just to fuck people up and reject people's sensibilities like Dostoyevsky Wannabe or anyone else who was convinced I was alt-right.

Aiden Burke: This character rejects counter culture strongly.

Atticus Davis: Yeah I think there's a lot of things/experiences that show a lot of intolerance, misunderstanding, and elitism in punk/alternative circles. I've seen call out culture abused and completely without substance or oppositely for the purpose of social control. Once exposed to this jealous boyfriend, of the girl who accused me of stalking her, who used the accusation that I 'fetishize women of color' to try and get his ex-gf to stop fucking me. It was founded in nothing. I like/date white girls predominately but I've also dated outside of my race, like anybody else in the Bay Area. It was a racist thing to say tho and definitely only served to satisfy a jealous person.

Aiden Burke: What do you want people to take away from this book?

Atticus Davis: I want people to break out of any paradigm and be militant in mining your life for personal truth and then acting accordingly. I want people who believe in things like anarchism and feminism to question if they are making progress and meeting like minds or alienating people and driving intelligent people out of their group/scene/'community'.

The different between thought and endorsement.

I also want people to be more accepting of sexuality in general. Seems like the counterculture succeeded to be the snake eating itself so that now women are just as interested in suppression of male sexuality as men used to be interested in suppression of female sexuality. Can't be entirely convinced that men who are openly sexual/sexually viable in a small group isn't met with anger outright. The counterculture is accepting of sex if it fits into what women view as 'appropriate' which means subtle and don't hit on anyone. But I've gotten laid hitting on women and have brought a lot of the women I've had in my life into my life by being arrogantly open about sex or just communicate that my interest is more than being friends.

Aiden Burke: What do you believe this story is about, if you had to summarize it?

Atticus Davis: It's about never giving up and never giving in even if it feels wrong while it's happening you might find yourself closer to yourself and in effect closer to God. It's really about how nihilistic I am and how the only things I really beleive in are myself and God.

Aiden Burke: Does this novel make you feel closer to God?

Atticus Davis: Yes, absolutely.

[abigfuckingbully]

1. If left to error, would be better allowing the space for your little hatreds is probably safer they say the death penalty doesn't discourage mass shooters away from everything moving except time 2. "Do you believe in God?" I'm the exception I'm the dead one you can't learn forever sometimes you have to walk outside and face the line so many people in the queue-- so many people pushing each other around 3. 'We were meant, to eat each other' mass shooter after mass shooter we evolved to this point this is how it comes to a head this is how it all comes together lesson after lesson, painted in blood consumed like cannibals all day I dream about sets when I come to having succeeded and my books are finally published I'd like to have the money to live out of a bag and travel and be fit enough to date Maisie Williams * * * was invited to go to a party tonight probably won't go Don't hide from me we were only getting started my big mouth scares you and you're already easy to scare we should be allowed to exist free from pressure to be at some point totally aimless--I don't know if that would inspire greater ideas or lead to greater creative weakness/blocks ideas come from something like a muscle you have to keep flexing

[abigfuckingbully]

A Marriage Proposal I've fallen in love with you. I know you don't use that word, it's for hippies. But I care for you, Bunny Rogers. I've loved you since I saw you singing that sad Russian song on the verge of tears. I felt some strange connection to you since I've heard to sound of your sweet smokey voice. It's been years since the first time I've talked to you and in that time I find myself thinking of you again and again. Tho we've never met in person, your person was so intoxicating that so often my thoughts turn to you. You've brought me joy just in dreams of you and I couldn't imagine anything more fun than being with you. Everytime you come to mind you bring me a huge gap toothed grin. Exposure to your art and poetry was a radical experience. I was blown away. I don't know much about you, I've never met you, Bunny, let's get married. People have done more with less. I know it stings of arranged marriage but I know I'd do really well in an arranged marriage. Just re-read Lucy K Shaw's 'How to Be A Perfect Bride' to remember how she writes since I always hope I can consume enough of a person's writing to become a better one myself. How to Be The Perfect Bride was okay, except I kept thinking a lot about the husband and I'm underwhelmed. Our love is better. Hahahha (Laughed while writing this.) Bunny, I don't know how to get it thru to you, Bunny how do I explain that I'm the one for you, I'm the man you want to be with. You're beauty makes me modest and I'm a really cocky guy. You're kind of beauty deserves a love this alive and virile. I may be rough and stubborn but I love deep. I won't do corny shit like ride your coattails or make you take a billion photos. Give me a year to lose the fat (70lbs) and we should meet. I'm in love with you. After a few or five years I still have these involved fantasies w/ you in them. Not erotic/sexual. If people like Lucy are pulling the trigger/lynchpin on marriage crying in the airport afraid to separate, we could easily get married based off of what we know about each other. I would crush at an arranged marriage. I mean I think if we met you'd agree with my insanity and wouldn't feel so alone about yours. I imagine us really getting along. No guarantees when it comes to chemisty--but I just watched your interview in art forum and I was smiling so wid at just the though of being with you/around you. A rush of endorphins happens at the sight of any photo of you. I have my own shit going on and I know you might hesitate since you're spinning plates/juggling men, but I know you'd forget about them long enough to make the insane decision to marry me. Give me a year. Give yourself a year. But do think about it. Drugged on love, Atticus