ablackwomansurvivingrape

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Earlier this week, half-sisters, Tarekka Jones, 26, and Jalisa Walls-Harris, 22, were both shot and killed in Cheverly, Maryland, by Jones’ ex, Kevin Tyrice Reynolds, Fox 5 DC reported. Reynolds was later found dead in his Virginia home due to a self-inflicted gunshot, police confirmed. 

Last month after dropping their daughter off at her apartment, Reynolds threw Jones to the ground, dragged her around the parking lot and later came back with a gun. He was arrested in early March for that incident, but was recently released when Jones “posted bond for Reynolds after it was reduced by a judge,” Fox notes.

A week later, she and her sister were dead.

According to neighbors, one of Jones’ three children, a 5-year-old girl, witnessed the murders and knew the gunman by name, which helped the police realize that Reynolds was the shooter.

A relative of the victims, who didn’t want to use her name told the NBC that her family was distraught over the deaths. “It’s sad. It’s really sad. That you would just take an innocent life. People don’t value life anymore.”

Walls-Harris wanted to pursue a career as a vocalist, while Jones was studying to become a dental hygenist, NBC wrote.

Family members told NBC that Jones had broken up with Reynolds and he was “having a hard time moving on.” While they knew he was abusive towards Jones, they never thought “her life and Jalisa’s would end the way it did.”

For some, it may be hard for some to understand why Jones bailed her ex out of jail, but it’s important that she isn’t blamed for her or her sister’s death–that’s strictly on Reynolds. Protecting an abuser or not wanting to cooperate with police is not uncommon among victims and can happen for a range of reasons including fear, shame, economic reasons, hope that the abuse will stop, not wanting to put another Black man in jail, etc. And when you add in children, co-parenting and the need for child support, leaving and/or not having to see your abuser becomes harder and more complicated.

Remember, walking away is a process and in Jones’ case, it can be a deadly one.

It’s also important to point out that intimate partner violence, also called domestic abuse, is not new or rare to Black women. We are almost three times more likely to experience death as a result of this violence compared to white women. And while Black women only make up 8 percent of the U.S. population, we account for 22 percent of these homicides and 29 percent of all victimized women in the U.S, “making it one of the leading causes of death for Black women ages 15 to 35,” Time wrote. And yet, despite this racial disparity, we are less likely to report or seek help.

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I’m not wishing death on anyone but I really can’t fathom how he’s still alive? That man really knew who to choose cause had aaannnyyyy member of my family ever experienced that shish all the cousins, uncles, dad, stepdad, andddd the women too would be ON IT.

and that’s one of the most sad parts, that man is monstrous trash, BUT SO ARE THESE GIRLS FAMILIES!! where tf were they?

like… his ex-wife’s brother who worked for him, saw the girls around, saw some of the videos, AND U STILL LET HIM DATE/MARRY UR SISTER? and then u see her eerily change after the marriage, still continue to see him cheating, sexing all over the place with young girls, AND YOU STILL WORK WITH HIM?

there was a part that said he had a sexual relationship with his bass player’s daughter…how could u still be his bass player?

the tape girl’s uncle seems to me to be the person that helped tank the case by saying it wasn’t her…how do u see ur niece in that position and choose money over justice?

aaliyah’s family seems fake and in denial af…literally everything about their relationship including the music he made for her was clleeeaarrrllyyy something wrong. like, no matter how much my daughter wants to do music what im not gonna allow, is for her to sing a song about going all the way with a grown man as a 13-15 yr old. we can find another writer period. like he couldve wrote songs about ANYTHING. having a crush, hanging out with friends, a first kiss, heartbreak…i mean her target audience was teens…and thhiisssss is what he chooses? and u still think it’s all good?

it’s unfathomable

i been off him since high school when i found out about the pee tape so im not new to knowing he’s trash but i could never understand how he wasn’t in jail. there was aaliyah, and the pee tape, and the other tapes, and rumors and on and on and on

but seeing this documentary u just see the effin drovvesss of adults that not only remained silent and complicit, but luurreddd girls for him, introduced him to young girls, covered up situations and did all they could to perpetuate the crimes for the sake of money

and tbh the black community’s response to this is highly disappointing, it was always weird/annoying/disappointing to me pple still supported him after clear evidence…but if u can watch this and ssssttttttiiiiiilllllllllllllll say “well maybe…”

u have no true morality

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black women who support other black women’s abusers are so nasty. we pretty much only have each other in this world and your dusty ass is sat in a courtroom crying over tory lanez or r kelly or whoever it may be? those men DGAF about you and they would hurt you too given the opportunity. stand the fuck up

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megan thee stallion deserves closure and justice and its so scary how people are still trying to frame her as the villain when there’s so much proof and he was found GUILTY. if a celebrity with this amount of proof gets victim-blamed how are other women (and specifically black women) who do not have these resources or enough proof supposed to feel safe or feel comfortable to report it? megan deserves all the love and peace in the world, i love her sm and i hope she’s doing okay💗 i will always believe the victim.

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For example Frederick Douglas’ wife did so much for his ungrateful ass. She helped him get on his feet, gave him her last name, and supported him financially and took care of house and home. And in return was does this nigga do? He lets white abolitionists tear her down and treat her like a slave in HER HOUSE. Moved two bitches into HER HOUSE over a span of 20 years. Belittles her for being illiterate while using HER MONEY. Not even in death does she get the respect she deserves. His last wife is more recognized as being apart of his life than she was. Just trash. And y'all still normalize that shit as if it’s a black woman’s job to struggle. Fuck that.

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BETWEEN 71% and 95% OF INCARCERATED WOMEN HAVE EXPERIENCED PHYSICAL VIOLENCE FROM AN INTIMATE PARTNER. MANY HAVE EXPERIENCED MULTIPLE FORMS OF PHYSICAL AND SEXUAL ABUSE IN CHILDHOOD AND AS ADULTS.

#FREETHEMALL

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“The rhetoric surrounding lynching allowed the black male body to signify the very victimization black women were excluded from, and black men became the victims black women were not allowed to be.”

— from The Repeating Body by Kimberly Juanita Brown

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The Brain Under (Sexual) Attack Why people don’t fight, why memories are fragmentary – and some big implications

Why people don’t fight, why memories are fragmentary, and some big implications.

Jim Hopper, Ph.D. Sexual Assault and the Brain

Why don't many people fight or yell during sexually assaults, even rapes?  Why are their memories so often fragmentary and confusing?

Is the brain’s response to being attacked basically the same – whether it’s sexual assault, physical assault, or enemy fire in military combat?  Can sexual harassment also be stressful enough to significantly impact brain functioning?

The answers to these questions have huge implications for people who've been attacked sexually, for those who investigate, prosecute and adjudicate such crimes, for policy makers, and for everyone who knows or works with someone who's been sexually assaulted or harassed.

But do we really need to focus on the brain? Can’t we just believe survivors, or at least conduct really good investigations, without knowing about the neurobiology of stress and trauma?  In theory, maybe, but often the ways people report reacting to assaults can be baffling, even totally opposite of what we’d expect, and their memories can sound confused or unbelievable. Once we understand how the brain works when it’s under attack, those behaviors and memories make much more sense.

That’s why many sexual assault survivors, police officers, and prosecutors are finding that understanding what’s happening in the brain during an assault is extremely clarifying and helpful. For many, it’s a revelation that completely transforms how they understand, investigate, and prosecute sexual assaults.

Still, some fear that focusing on the brain can obscure important social and power dynamics. Of course, neurobiology doesn’t explain everything about survivors’ behaviors and memories. Yet understanding how human brains respond when attacked sheds light on accounts of sexual assault that – because of social, cultural, and political ignorance, oppression, and polarization – have been misunderstood and dismissed for far too long.

I find that by focusing on the brain, and staying grounded in the science, I’m able to point out practical implications and new practices that can truly change lives, institutions, and ultimately cultures. At least that’s the feedback I’ve been getting for years now, and not only from feminist activists but also from police officers, military commanders, and many others.

Let’s return to those key questions about why many people don’t fight or yell, why memories can be fragmentary and incomplete, and whether those are totally normal brain‐based responses. The answers, Jim Hopper, PhD – December 14, 2017 it turns out, are the same in every culture. Around the world, the most common responses of people being sexual assaulted are basically the same.

Why? Because evolution sculpted them into our genes and brains – long before we were sophisticated enough to create cultures, long before we began to misunderstand and misjudge people with our culturally embedded beliefs about how women and men “should” respond during sexual assaults and remember them later.

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INTIMATE PARTNER SEXUAL ASSAULT IS MORE LIKELY THAN STRANGER OR ACQUAINTANCE ASSAULT TO CAUSE PHYSICAL INJURY

#DVFACTS #SAAM

NATIONAL COALITION AGAINST DOMESTIC VIOLENCE NCADV

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For many South African women, home is hell - The Mail & Guardian

Early on the morning of 25 June, Vuyokazi Yvonne Mathebula, 39, and her neighbour were reflecting on a funeral taking place a few streets away in Block V in Soshanguve, which lies about 30km north of Pretoria. The dead woman had been brutally killed by her son.

A few minutes later, around 9am, Mathebula received several calls from different numbers. She ignored them. But when her husband phoned she answered, only to be told that her younger sister, Nonhle Gloria Aphane, 30, had been strangled, allegedly by a close relative. 

The news left Mathebula disoriented and feeling numb. When she got to her sister’s house in Ga-Rankuwa Zone 8, Aphane was lying face up and naked on a bed. She had blood in her mouth and nose and her stomach was distended, as if “she was nine months pregnant”.

It seems the mother of three children, aged three, five and 11, had been dead for days. “The room was stinking. I can’t even describe the smell,” says Mathebula. “It smelled horrible.” 

Her body was discovered by the police, says Mathebula, after they had received a tip-off. 

The tip-off came from a relative of the alleged suspect, who had “confessed” to the murder and requested that the relative call Aphane’s family to ask for forgiveness, says Mathebula. Instead, the relative phoned the local police, who liaised with the Ga-Rankuwa police station. The murder was confirmed and the suspect arrested. However, he was released from jail on 28 June. 

Aphane’s mother, Eunice Ntombi Mtsishe, 72, says she cannot reconcile herself to the suspect’s release. “There’s no way that someone could murder a woman like this and be released from jail just like that. I have lost hope in the police because I really don’t see what it is that they’re doing,” says Mtsishe, who often pauses, weeping bitterly, during the interview.

According to Gauteng police spokesperson Lieutenant Colonel Mavela Masondo, the case “was not enrolled by the court pending further investigation”, including waiting for the postmortem results. 

Mathebula says when she asked why the suspect had been released, the investigating officer told her that a statement had not been taken from the relative who heard the alleged confession. Asked about this and any progress in the case, Masondo said: “Unfortunately we cannot divulge more information as that might compromise the investigation.”

Unsafe at home

Aphane’s murder took place against a backdrop of rampant violence against women in South Africa. Most women are killed by their partners or ex-partners and many of them suffer months or years of domestic abuse before their deaths. 

This is confirmed by data from Statistics South Africa, which released an in-depth report on the extent of gender-based violence, titled Crimes Against Women in South Africa, in 2020. It found that in the period 2018 to 2019, almost 50% of the assaults against women came at the hands of someone close to the victims – 22% were committed by a friend or an acquaintance, 15.2% by a spouse or intimate partner, and 12.6% by a relative or household member.

The survey suggested that those who were divorced or separated from their partners were the most likely to have experienced physical abuse (40%) or sexual violence (16%). Then followed those who were living with their partners (31% and 10%); widows (24% and 8%); women who had never married (18% and 5%); and married women (14% and 4%).

At Aphane’s funeral, close friends shed light on the extent of the violence that Aphane had endured. “I hate men,” one of her friends said. “I had to witness my best friend Nonhle being abused.”

The friend, who asked to remain anonymous, had known Aphane since 2007. She says she first noticed Aphane being abused in 2011. Having gone to a party together one night, Aphane confided in her the next day that she had been assaulted when she got home.

Routinely beaten and hospitalised

The abuse didn’t stop. Aphane would be beaten up “to the point that she’d be hospitalised”, says the friend. “When I went to check up on her, I could not even recognise her face the way she was injured.”

Last year, the friend says, things became worse and Aphane would frequently be in and out of hospital because of her injuries. The unceasing violence led Aphane to smoke and drink excessively. “She’d finish at least 20 cigarettes in an hour,” explains the friend. “That’s how stressed she was. She was drinking alcohol every day. She couldn’t sleep without alcohol.”

Dora Huma, 30, Aphane’s friend since the age of seven, says the assaults began even earlier, leading to a miscarriage before Aphane’s first child was born. 

Rozanne Ashworth, a trauma counsellor, says women stay in abusive relationships for many reasons, including “fear of the abuser and what he might do if they leave, fear of being alone, fear of losing a roof over their heads, particularly if there are children involved, fear of being judged”.

“The fact that they love the abuser … might seem like a completely foreign concept to us, but there is often deep love for and emotional attachment to the abuser,” adds Ashworth. She says abused women might also be held back by a feeling of worthlessness, which is “often instilled by the abuser and concurrent with an already low self-esteem. The abuser repeatedly tells the abused that they are useless, no one else would want them, they are ugly, stupid, pathetic, etc. A woman will do what she needs to survive for her life, in her relationship with her abuser, for her kids’ sake, for acceptance in society. What we see as weakness by staying in an abusive relationship is often strength that we could not even begin to understand or comprehend.”

Cost to society

What has been less well documented about gender-based violence against women is its economic cost to society. A 2014 report released by KPMG, titled Too Costly to Ignore the Economic Impact of Gender-based Violence in South Africa, attempted to address this.

The report pointed out that the whole of society pays for the costs attached to violence against women, including healthcare, justice, lost earnings, lost revenue and lost taxes. Then there are second-generation costs, which include increased juvenile crime committed by children witnessing and living with violence, as well as crimes they commit later in life as adults.

For the period 2012 to 2013, the report estimated that the economic impact of gender-based violence was between R28.4 billion and R42.4 billion, representing 0.9% and 1.3% of gross domestic product respectively. 

Nuclear and extended families and close friends also suffer psychologically when gender-based violence takes place. Like Huma says, a part of her is dead, too, and she cannot stop thinking of the times she shared with her friend. “We’d come to Nonhle’s home together, and now that she’s gone, the kids when they see me, they also think their mother will show up.” 

Huma works as a security guard at the power station close to the graveyard where Aphane is buried. “Every day I go to her grave. I talk to her every day,” says Huma. “She was more than a friend to me, she was a sister. I miss walking together to the mall. I miss sitting together to look after her kids.” 

Mathebula says the way in which her sister was murdered has left her with deep scars. She had to be admitted for trauma treatment at the Centurion-based psychiatric Vista Clinic, where she stayed for 21 days. Currently, she’s on special leave until early next year. “If I stop taking the medication that I received from the hospital I have visions of how my sister died,” says Mathebula.

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Monique W Morris EdD @MoniqueWMorris

Age compression routinely makes Black girls vulnerable to sexual/physical violence-and to the erasure of their trauma. Folks been sacrificing our girls to protect the toxic masculinity that destroys, exploits and goes WAY beyond a "preference."

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There are significant links between GBV and a range of other sexual and reproductive health problems, including sexually transmitted disease, forced and unwanted pregnancy, unsafe abortions, traumatic fistula, maternal morbidity and mortality, adverse [pregnancy outcomes and even death.

Mail & Guardian

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54% OF BLACK WOMEN EXPERIENCE PSYCHOLOGICAL AGGRESSION BY AN INTIMATE PARTNER

The Safe Sister Circle

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Ernest Terrell Blakney: Child abuser allegedly kills ex and sets home ablaze 10 DAYS after judge lets him out on bond

Wisconsin fugitive allegedly murdered his ex-girlfriend and set her body and house on fire one week after being released while awaiting sentencing for raping a child.

Milwaukee County Circuit Court Judge David Borowski ruled against immediately jailing Ernest Terrell Blakney after he pleaded guilty on Aug. 15 to sexually assaulting a 13-year-old girl, despite objections of the victim’s family, WISN 12 News reported. Ten days later, a criminal complaint accused him of shooting his ex-girlfriend, then setting her body and her house on fire.

JUST IN from @NickBohrWISN – the transcript detailing a judges decision to not jail a man after he pleaded guilty to raping a 13-year-old. 10 days after the decision, the man, Ernest Terrell Blakney, is accused of killing his ex. Here is the judges reasoning @WISN12News pic.twitter.com/1IUEklfuuu — Derrick Rose (@DRoseTV) August 31, 2022

Blakney also allegedly ordered a man at a construction site into a trailer at gunpoint and stole his truck, the criminal complaint added.

He is still on the loose, according to WISN 12 News.

Borowski originally set Blakney free from prison for nearly a year after posting a $5,000 bond he set during an initial hearing in October 2021, WISN 12 News reported. 

At the Aug. 15 hearing, prosecutor Sam Tufford told Borowski the state would request six to eight years in prison at his sentencing and asked Blakney to be remanded into custody immediately, according to WISN News. But defense attorney Jonathan Smith asked for time to let Blakney get his business and home “wrapped up.”

“You have to understand the charge for which he was convicted is unrelated to the new charges,” Smith said in an interview with the Daily Caller News Foundation.

“He was in the community without any bail while the original allegations were out there, prior to charges being issued. And he was in the community without any bail for an extended period of time. He then remained out on bail without any problems for however long it was without any issue. He was allowed to remain his status on bail pending sentencing. That is not entirely unusual,” he told the DCNF.

“As the defense points out, there have not been any violations or any issues while the defendant has been out of custody. He’s been out of custody for a very long period of time,” Borowski said during the hearing, according to a court transcript. “The defendant will stay out of custody. He does not need to be remanded under these circumstances.”

Milwaukee police is asking that anyone with information about Blakney’s whereabouts contact them at 414-935-7360, Crime Stoppers at 414-224-Tips or the P3 Tips app to remain anonymous.

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What is Stealthing? 7 Things to Know

The sex and dating lexicon is ever-evolving, with phrases like breadcrumbing, ghosting, and shelving continuously being added to the cultural conversation.

Another term that has been added to the list is “stealthing.” But catchy as the term may be, stealthing isn’t a silly-sounding word for a sex act.

Marked by the removal of a condom or other barrier mid-sex without the consent of the other person or people involved, stealthing is serious.

Ahead, everything you need to know about stealthing, including what to do if it’s happened to you.

PROCEED WITH CAUTION Stealthing is a form of sexual assault. As such, this article explores topics of non-consent, rape, sexual assault, and their emotional and physical aftermath.

Stealthing, defined

Stealthing refers to the non-consensual act of removing a condom during sexual activity without the awareness or consent of the other person or people involved.

The term can also be used to refer to a person damaging a condom before or during application without their sexual partner(s) knowledge or consent so that it becomes less effective at preventing pregnancy or STI transmission.

While the term was first coined to name the phenomenon of cisgender men removing a condom in the middle of penetrative anal or vaginal sex, stealthing can be used to refer to the non-consensual removal of any barrier in the middle of any sexual activity.

For example, a woman shifting a dental dam so that she’s tonguing her partner directly, without the consent of her partner, could be referred to as stealthing.

At first, stealthing may seem somewhat innocuous — after all, the word itself doesn’t typically deliver the gut punch that terms like “rape” and “sexual assault” often do. But don’t be deceived: Stealthing is a form of sexual assault.

To understand exactly why stealthing is assault, you need to understand consent. Consent is an informed, specific, and ongoing negotiation of enthusiastic desire.

So, while Person A may have consented to have sex with Person B with the use of a condom or other barrier method, they didn’t consent to sex with Person B without the use of a condom or barrier.

Stealthing is often rooted in misogyny

Bluntly, trying to explain why someone might sexually assault someone else is tricky territory. After all, this kind of reasoning runs the risk of victim blaming or shirking responsibility off of the assaulter.

But experts do offer several hypotheses around why stealthing is so common. (One study found that 12 percentTrusted Source of women have experienced a partner stealthing during sexual activity).

First, the lack of sex education we receive — specifically, the lack of education around consent — has created multiple generations of people who do not understand the nuances of sexual consent.

Second, there’s a widespread cultural belief that condoms make sex worse, particularly for a person who has a penis.

This brings us to the final and main reason stealthing happens: Many people are taught from an early age that cis men’s pleasure and happiness are more important than, well, anything.

Given those teachings, if a cis man thinks their pleasure is being thwarted by a rubber, it makes sense that they’d think it’s A-OK for them to remove the condom.

In other words, deeply rooted cultural narratives and beliefs have led to the normalization of stealthing.

FYI, it isn’t true that condoms or other barrier methods make sex worse. There are several reasons why they make sex better, actually. Really!

Stealthing can happen in any sexual relationship

When news that stealthing became illegal in California broke in 2021, many outlets used gendered terms to explain the phenomenon.

But stealthing isn’t just something done by a cis man to a cis woman. And it isn’t limited to penis-in-vagina sex between people of any gender, either.

Stealthing can happen a-n-y-t-i-m-e a barrier is being used during any kind of sex.

It can happen in the middle of vaginal sex, anal sex, oral sex, scissoring, and more.

Stealthing is a form of abuse

At the end of the day, why someone chooses to remove or damage the barrier they’re using doesn’t really matter. Because ultimately, the underlying reason doesn’t influence the impact stealthing has on the victim(s).

Still, it’s essential to understand that stealthing can be done as a form of emotional or physical abuse.

Some assaulters remove a barrier in order to intentionally transmit an STI to their partner or to try to impregnate them.

Why? Because in theory, this would “trap” the victim, making them feel like they can’t leave the relationship. Or, like nobody else would love them because they’re “with child” or STI-positive — neither of which are true!

Stealthing is also a violation of trust and bodily autonomy, which can have long lasting effects.

Someone stealthing you also suggests that they don’t respect you, which comes with its own set of emotional consequences.

What to do if stealthing happened to you

If you’ve been stealthed or otherwise assaulted, it can be hard to know where to turn or what steps to take next.

Please, try to remember that you’re not alone and that what happened isn’t your fault.

How do you know if stealthing happened?

Sometimes stealthing becomes immediately apparent when all is said and done and there’s no condom or other barrier in sight. But a barrier that’s broken or punctured isn’t always discernible to the eye.

Scarily, that means that you may not know.

You are more than within your right to ask if anything happened to the barrier. For example:

“Did you take the condom off mid-way through?”

“Did the dental dam shift at all during play?”

“I like to make sure that the condom doesn’t have a hole before throwing it out. Can you squeeze the sides?”

Regardless of what this person says, if something doesn’t feel right, trust your instincts and proceed as if you have been stealthed.

Before reading on, take a breath. There are steps you can take to prevent the risks that come with a broken or MIA barrier.

Use emergency contraception

If you can become pregnant and had P-in-V sex where an internal or external condom was broken or removed, pregnancy may be a risk.

You can use emergency contraception to help reduce the risk of pregnancy. But time is of the essence — most EC methods need to be used within 72–120 hours, or 3–5 days, of sex to be effective.

The EC pill Plan B, for example, is most effective when taken within 72 hours (3 days) of the incident. The EC pill ella and the copper IUD have a slightly longer lead time and can be taken or inserted up to 120 hours (5 days) following sex.

Remember: Stealthing can affect everyone, regardless of their anatomy, gender identity, or sexual orientation.

If you’re a person who can impregnate a sexual partner and had P-in-V sex with a person who has a vagina, pregnancy may be a risk if the other person removes an internal condom mid-way through.

To get clarity on what happened, you might ask:

“Can you talk to me about what other birth control you’re on, if any? I see that the condom was removed mid-way through and I want to understand what our pregnancy risk is.”

“Would you be open to taking an emergency contraceptive if I bought it? I see that the internal condom went missing while we were having sex and I’d like to be on the safe side.”

Take the antiretroviral PEP

If you haven’t already talked with a partner about sexually transmitted infection (STI) status, now is a good time to do so.

Here’s what that might look like:

“When was the last time you were tested for STIs?”

“I see that the barrier was removed midway through. Do you mind if I ask when the last time you got STI screened was?”

“I see that the condom went missing. So I want to affirm that I was last tested for STIs last month and was negative for all. Do you know your current STI status?”

If the person has HIV, you were likely exposed to the virus when the barrier was removed. In this instance, you should talk with a clinician ASAP about postexposure prophylaxis (PEP).

PEP can help reduce the likelihood of transmission if you were exposed to the virus.

If the person doesn’t know their current STI status, you don’t completely trust their answer, or you don’t feel comfortable asking about their STI status, you could still be a good candidate for PEP.

PEP must be taken within 72 hours (3 days) of potential HIV exposure to be effective.

Consider whether you want to file a report or press charges

If you want to file a report — or think you might at some point in the future — there are steps you should take.

First, think about whether you want to talk with a healthcare professional about a “rape kit.” You’ll need to see a clinician ASAP so that they can collect “biological proof” of the incident.

Getting a kit done doesn’t mean that you have to press charges. You can decide against pressing charges or decide at a later time (within the statute of limitations) to press charges.

If you do decide to press charges, call or visit your local police station and ask to file a report.

If you want someone to talk you through how to do this, consider calling The National Sexual Assault Hotline or National Domestic Violence Hotline.

Take a pregnancy test

You cannot take a pregnancy test immediately after being stealthed. Doing so will result in a false negative, which could lead to false hope and give you a false sense of security.

You need to wait.

If you track your period and it’s regular, wait until your period is late before taking a pregnancy test.

If you don’t know when your period is supposed to be, wait at least 9 to 12 days after the incident. If the test result is negative, plan to take another test one week later.

Remember: If the test comes back positive and you aren’t ready to become a parent, you have options.

Test for STIs

Unless you know the person who stealthed you was STI-negative, you should plan to get tested for STIs.

All STIs have a different incubation period (aka the amount of time they need to be in your body before they can be detected by an STI test).

But as a general rule, you should plan to get tested 2 weeks after the incident, and then again after 2 to 3 months.

Get support

Having someone trash or tamper with a barrier mid-sex can feel dehumanizing. Not to mention disorienting, angering, and trust-ruining.

For many, it’s downright traumatizing.

You might find it helpful to seek out a combination of professional guidance and care from trusted loved ones. This includes, but isn’t limited to:

Family members

Friends

Partners

Mental health care professionals

Guidance counselors

Sex therapists

The only way to prevent stealthing is to not do it

Repeat after us: In this house, we do not victim-blame… EVER.

The only person to blame for stealthing is the person who made the active choice to damage or remove a condom or other barrier unbeknownst to their partner(s).

Similarly, the only way to prevent stealthing is to… not remove a barrier mid-sex.

If you don’t want to use a barrier method during sex, that’s your prerogative! But it needs to be pre-negotiated and enthusiastically agreed upon by all involved before play begins.

What’s more, everyone involved needs to freely agree to forgo barriers with a *full and complete* understanding of the potential risks of fluid bonding.

If you would prefer not to use a barrier, here are some ways you might choose to bring it up:

“Would you be open to forgoing barriers during sex if we got STI tested together?”

“Before we have sex, I’d love to talk about what safer practices we want to use if any.”

“Let’s get tested before we have sex. I’d love to have the option to have sex without condoms.”

To be clear, there is nothing you can do to protect yourself from stealthing. Saying there is suggests that the victim is to blame, and the victim is never to blame.

The bottom line

No matter what you call it, damaging or removing a barrier method without the informed consent of all people involved is sexual assault.

If you’ve ever stealthed, know that you committed an act of non-consent. Course correct by honoring your partner’s barrier preferences in the future.

And if you’ve ever been stealthed, know that whether it’s been one day, one week, one month, or longer, you have options for mitigating risks and regaining trust in other people.

[ablackwomansurvivingrape]

Data indicates that more than half of the women murdered in South Africa die at the hands of their intimate partners. Of these homicides, a staggering 82.7% are killed by firearm injury - and in three-quarters of those cases, the firearm is legally owned and licenced by the perpetrator.

Malie & Guardian

[ablackwomansurvivingrape]

1 in 5 WOMEN AND GIRLS ARE SUFFERING FROM DV

The Shelter