aboutblank123-blog

[aboutblank123-blog]

My addiction to Facebook (for all the wrong reasons)

It’s seems that every single problem can be linked with the social media can’t it? Divorce, relationship problems, lack of monogamy, anxiety, loneliness, anger, abuse, etc.

Today I delved into what I can only describe as “textbook” from anyone whose known me for years or just the past year. A certain sad moment in my life I can’t shake or can’t get over if you will that sends me spiralling into a cascade of despair, depression, anger, confusion and question.

If anyone is on social media they will have one friend in their life that has an addiction towards it including myself, and why? Because people like myself want that connection that we’ve lost or had taken away, we want people to care and we want people to want to do that instead of force it.

So we go to a figurative audience of our social status and declare our woe or cynical expression of happy lives or a funny meme about life has gone down hill when in reality is a cry for help or anything else in hopes that someone will reach out. For some its the need to chat and connect, for others it’s validation of your own self worth to people weather it’s friendship or attraction.

But what’s the worst we could get? Insults? Jokes at a cry for help that no one understood

Or nothing at all?

For me that’s the worst part, that you’ve exhausted everyone around you that the care and consideration (if any) is dried up, and you’ve become a recluse without talking to anyone.

I know I shouldn’t post on facebook all the time and yet I create such a toxic environment for myself in what can be a toxic environment from time to time. Especially now when at this time my head is so confused and messed up, I’m ready to lash out at any minute and call for help in an area that can cause even more damage.

It’s an addiction with disastrous consequences to the psyche and contributes to anxiety. It’s a hard task to try and better myself but with the depression and negative thoughts that have stemmed through the year that I’ve tried to deal with, it almost makes it impossible and I go back to to social media and the whole process starts again.

Outside of that, I try to be a good person. I exercise, I play and write music and I hang out with as many of my friends as possible without the need to drink. Yet when your left alone, it all kicks back in again, and you miss the companionship.

I’m not deleting my Facebook because that doesn’t solve anything. I’m not saying I’m gonna change or be better because I don’t know that. How could I? The point of defeating an addiction is to do it in moderation.

Today, I came to terms about how my thoughts and emotions are going to materialise and evolve to from what they are now. I want to blame so many people for that but I can’t. Some may have started it but I am now letting the disease spread so it’s becoming more and more my problem the longer I avoid it.

To my friends, family and anyone who cares, all I can say is that I’m sorry for making you share a front row seat to my emotions and lash outs with everyone else when I should have spoken to people face to face without fear of repercussions. It’s like putting up statuses without being drunk only to still regret the posts you made in the morning with No hangover.

To anyone else (and I assure you I’m not the only one who this is happening to, I’ve seen it). Think before you post, I know I shouldn’t do it and I’m taking steps, a good friend told me to start a tumblr and put all my thoughts on here and only a small amount would read it. It was a start to cut back on the addiction that cuts so deep. Maybe you should try it too, got something to say but worried about what might happen after? Start a tumblr vent your frustrations there.

Want more proof that I’m trying this out? I was originally going to post this on Facebook without tumblr, so at least the want to better myself still exist. No matter how small the positivity inside yourself is......anything can grow.

[aboutblank123-blog]

Call The Police #paytheman

This is about the origins of what I think is the best songs I've done, written during a shitty time..... This is a long one for a first post Then again it's been a long year, possibly the longest and hardest I've had to go through in my mind so far. Yet looking back at I can't imagine half the things I've done being achieved if nothing had changed, if I hadn't been brought down to pick myself back up. Coming up to a year when things I never took for granted were taken out of the equation, it just seemed that to me there were certain people out to bring me down. People I cared for deeply, and people I once called friends, now just memories with bitter and tragic revelations that question my place in this world. I know there are worse things to happen to me that have happened to others, and I feel for that, I really do. But when it all came down and I was left to find myself once again, it took its toll, I hated myself, I blamed myself when I did nothing wrong to influence such behaviour. People can be horrible, people can just not care......or people can make mistakes. So what did I do at the start of it all? What was my retaliation? What I always do, I wrote music. I started focusing on many ideas but one idea I kept on coming back to. The music was upbeat, fast paced and rhythmically catchy yet the lyrics were vindictive and bitter, totally focusing on the wrongdoings I had received and the heartbreak from certain figures that now after a year since probably no longer have any remorse about it. Because the person who throws the punch forgets quicker than the one who experiences the pain it delivers. By the end of the year I had finished the song and ironically a song with such hurt and anger turned out to be my best work. It got its first taste at a Swansea show and the audience I got responded to it in a way I never expected. They loved it, I got cheered....seriously no bullshit! It felt awesome. So to sum up a year since that moment where everything changed for the worse, I should find it defeatist to finally admit that things do get better in the end and karma balances out in time (cos everyone of my mates said that it would....go on gloat away), but I don't, I welcome it. I'm still a bit hurt and messed up about it, but the steps are being taken, and I can start being myself again, no matter how long the road is. So to the people that tried to bring me down and kick me to the kerb after opening up to them so long ago I say thank you, for your choices that disregarded my feelings and thoughts. It ended up with song about your tactless attitudes that gets applauded every time I play it, and I hope you realise that will be the one and only good thing ever to come out of your current personalities. I deserved better, and I have better. (Mic drop)