abstainingfromgaining

[abstainingfromgaining]

I screwed up and ate way too much yesterday. It was an impulse thing. My weight has been fluctuating like crazy and I just wish I didn’t struggle like this. I’m trying to get ready for an exam and with work I have very little time for exercise. I just need to remember my goals. I’ve already gained back like 15 lbs. already and it’s hard to keep the point of all this in view. I just feel bad. A few days before when I wanted to overeat I did some thinking and realized it was because I was lonely, because I wanted to feel good. I just need some help, encouragement, or recognition. I LOST 45 POUNDS AND NO ONE BUT MY FAMILY AND THE NURSE AT THE DOCTORS OFFICE SAID A THING! THE NURSE HAD THE BENEFIT OF READING IT OFF A CLIPBOARD! I’m pissed now. I’m just angry at people for not caring. People I hadn’t see 20 pounds ago just don’t care. Great- I’m legitimately angry now. Screw everyone.

[abstainingfromgaining]

“I’ll wait and see how I feel tomorrow.” “Maybe someday in the future I’ll just let myself go.” These two. It’s that sort of denial of instant gratification, that makes the hard days possible, then those hard days start to become less frequent. It has been really hard to ignore my desire to gorge myself as of late. I think my contrarian nature has helped me keep strong against those who would say “It’s no use fighting what you are.” I am not the type to “let go” or “surrender,” at least not without a fight in which I get to draw a little blood. Hell, part of the reason why I’m so motivated to lose weight, is simply because there are so many posts about how “it’s so nice not to have any willpower” and they just started to piss me off. I am more than just some object of indulgence. You end up with people literally doing their best to get as fat as possible until they die. It is sexualization of long-form suicide, and it disgusts me when I’m in my right mind. It really is sad. It’s terrible that anyone would glorify it. And yet I understand why they do. And so I’ve sought to attack my problem by turning one of the major sources of temptation into a trap, where I might ponder and muse on this blog instead! This is simply my cross to bear, but I can and will do so intelligently. Even though the mouse can beat the trap, it doesn’t matter so long as you’ve poisoned the cheese. I just want to put this out there. For anyone looking seeking weight loss motivation or inspiration, I offer you this fact: I enjoy gaining weight and being fat and I fought the temptation to the point that I was able to lose 45 pounds. I am fighting. You can fight. You may need to take control of your situation. There is no fad diet that will help you. Just try to eat healthy and don’t eat too much.

[abstainingfromgaining]

So I am losing weight, I also happen to be something called a “gainer”. For the uninitiated, a gainer is someone who enjoys getting fatter and being gluttonous, often for rather impolite reasons. At my heaviest I was 230 pounds which made my BMI 36.0. I got so big that I didn’t realize that most of the goals that I was setting where I was saying, “I want to get as fat as them and look just like them,” even though I was already a lot fatter than those I sought to look like. I just wasn’t really observing what was going on, I just enjoyed the momentum of the weight gain and having the fat pile on. I had always considered losing weight, and I think it’s fortunate that some circumstances changed to make it a lot easier for me to lose weight without really having to try. I lost 45 pounds, down to where I was no longer obese at 185 pounds. It was easy, but circumstances changed again and keeping the weight off has proved more difficult since my progress seems to have plateaued. I have since gained back 6 pounds and I’m starting to feel the urge to gain again. I still want to keep losing weight and keep all my hard work, something in me also desperately wants to tear all that away from me. It’s like half my brain wants one thing while the other wants the opposite. Kinda maddening. I find that talking about it like this really helps. I have a gaining blog on Tumblr too, but I made this one to kinda combat it. I had been posting more and more about how I was avoiding overindulgence, “but maybe tomorrow” and it just started to feel wrong. I want to lose weight, so why am I posting in such a way that makes it seem as though weight gain is inevitable? I didn’t really even consider gaining while I had momentum losing weight, now I have to talk to my family about being worried about my weight loss progress when I have cravings. I can’t just tell them I’m a gainer though so I can’t really get to the meat and potatoes of the situation. I think it might’ve started after I unintentionally regained 6 pounds and it was as if something in my brain just said, “If we are going to go back to being fat, we might as well enjoy it.” It’s been perhaps the closest I’ve come to gaining again. I’ve just had to fight that temptation with willpower. On the whole I just like being thinner than I was, I didn’t like how fat my face looked, my fat was distributing in very disappointing ways, and I just really prefer the flexibility I have now. I didn’t hate how I looked, I wasn’t really all that unhappy. I just started to realize how much I preferred being thinner as I lost weight. I’m planning to get down to a healthy weight but I don’t need to have a perfect Michelangelo’s Statue of David type of body, I’ll probably always have a bit of a belly as a matter of preference, and maybe I’ll allow my weight to fluctuate more than the average person, but even thoughts like these can go bad. If you are willing to fight, it is 100% worth it. You do have to be disciplined, but that’s a learned trait.