abstrusearchive

[abstrusearchive]

I've been wondering lately, if I bought Smosh channel membership and transcribed the only-member videos (nothing from this year just in case, it wouldn't feel right either way) like I did the Anthony Roast, would I be in any legal trouble?

Like, I wouldn't download them and publish copies of them and link every video in the title, I would just write down what they're saying in it and give some additional comments about what's happening on screen for context, like I did with the previous ones.

[abstrusearchive]

Anthony is Dead: The Funeral Roast - The Full Thing

[I've made it in segments beforehands, if you're interested in less compact form; I'll link them in segment titles]

.

The Pastor

[After some flashback montage and the intro]

(Josh is playing church music as Ian walks up onto the podium)

The Pastor: (To Josh) Thank you.

The Pastor: (towards audience) Hello my children, I’m pastor Ian. I’m your ordaine host, walking you through the roast (gestures towards Anthony) of Anthony Padilla.

The Pastor: Alongside me are several spirits, be they friends, foes, or work-mandated acquaintances - *ekhm* Arasha *ekhm*.

The Pastor: And since I know him the best, according to public record, I’m here to kick things off.

The Pastor: So, I asked the ChatGPT to write an obituary for me, for Anthony, and all it said back was “Finally.”, so I had to write one on my own.

The Pastor: So, here we go!

The Pastor: Born September 16th, 1987, Virgo sun, Cancer moon, Fuckboy rising… Anthony was born in Sacramento, California, which is like if a stock photo had a hairworm problem.

The Pastor: Anthony will live on partially through the YouTube videos he's made, but mostly through the Angry Birds movie and the sequel Angry Birds movie, "the Angry Birds movie: let's make it worse by not casting Ian."

The Pastor: He built Smosh from the ground up, learning coding before it was cool, which is actually pretty funny because, you know, coding’s already deeply uncool. Yeah…

The Pastor: (looks directly at the camera) Oh, I’m sorry, did I piss you off, nerds? Here’s some ones for you, zeroes! (flips the camera off with both hands)

The Pastor: Fuckin’ got’em. Got’em! …

The Pastor: *sigh* It’s so dumb…

The Pastor: After working many years here at Smosh, he decided to pursue making unwatchable content on his own. And, it was so inspiring that Smosh decided to do the same.

The Pastor: The Washington Post described Anthony as “YouTube’s Interview King”, which is kind of like YouTube calling Rhett & Link the Kings of Original Content, which is…-

The Pastor: Oh sorry. By the way, Rhett & Link will be here but currently they’re shooting their magnum opus - Rating Rhett’s Holes.

The Pastor: So, Anthony is known for some famous quotes, such as: “Life’s not that hard, just be hot”, or “Sorry, I can’t come to your party - I’m gonna be tired that day”, and my favourite quote, “Girlfriends won’t be mad if you just tell them you’re working”

The Pastor: Now… One of his main frustrations, back in the day, was that the audience perceived him as “The Hot One” and me as “The Funny One”. So, when Anthony finally went on his own, the audience was finally able to see the kind of comedy that Anthony could bring on his own. And to the audience’s surprise, for once, they were actually right.

The Pastor: But really, it’s so nice seeing so many of his friends here. It’s just too bad he wasn’t alive to see this. Because, as we all know, Anthony is very good at taking a joke and totally cool about getting criticized.

The Pastor: I mean… Honestly though, the fact that he agreed to do this confuses me more than Brendon Rogers’ continued success.

The Pastor: So, in conclusion, I’d love to tell you the rules that Anthony lived by, he referred to it as his five commandments - he would’ve wrote ten but, being mid is just what he does.

The Pastor: So, here’s his first commandment: “One - Thou shalt not leave any finger unringed and any ring unfingered”

The Pastor: “Two - Thou shalt not do yoga in your underwear, unless you’re filming it for Instagram”

The Pastor: (turns towards Anthony) Seriously dude, people don’t need to see your hoggin’ downward dog, alright? (turns towards audience) Am I right ladies?

The Pastor: “Three - Thou shalt tattoo the word “inhale” on thy neck to remind thyselves to breathe every time you’re looking at your neck”, and, I don’t get it, ‘cause you can’t actually see the “inhale”, like the only way that you can see it is if you’re looking into mirror so it’s backwards, so it’s “elahni”? I don’t get it, it’s weird.

The Pastor: Anyway, “Four - Thou shalt not change your favourite movie, Home Alone 2, even though Donald Trump is in it”

The Pastor: And finally “Five - thou shalt focus on work so thou don’t have to deal with thy problems, but when work becomes a problem, thou shall focus on making videos of thou doing yoga in thy underwear and posting it on thous Instagram”!

The Pastor: ... Anyway (puts his hands in praying gesture) peace be with you, let’s make it a funeral to be remembered, yes!? (spreads his arms)

The Pastor: Alright… Alright. Now, let’s hear from our first guest of the night. Is she funny? Let me just say, Mexican salsa, yes she is. It’s The Fortune Teller.

.

The Fortune Teller

(Amanda walks up to the podium. She looks down, then startles and looks back up)

The Fortune Teller: (Looking at Anthony) Hello! Hi! Greetings! Hi!

The Fortune Teller: I’m Angelica Angela LaCroix. I am a medium, but at the Atlantic City T-shirt Shop I’m an (?) and I don’t understand it. It’s insane, yes it’s weird, their sizes are weird.

The Fortune Teller: I’m here to deliver messages to (gestures towards Anthony) this boy. This wonderful, beautiful, handsome little boy-boy, this little boy, who grabbed a bunch of lipsticks to contour all over and called them tattoos.

The Fortune Teller: I have the messages, from the beyond! The beyond! And not just the beyond, the (?) too! Ha! Ow! 

The Fortune Teller: I’m kidding, that was a medium joke.

The Fortune Teller: Okay, before we start I just wanna say- (starts swating around) I’ve got cobwebs all over me, this is outrageous. 

The Fortune Teller: (turns towards Anthony) I just wanna say, you’re not really dead, ok, and it’s very- it’s very offensive to the dead community. (gestures at Anthony) Look at you, you’re in a full blown ghostface! And you’ve got a past with brownface - “Anthony is mexican?”, 15 million views! (turns sharply towards audience) Look it up! Look it up!

The Fortune Teller: … Hi, hello! How is everybody? (glances at Anthony) Oh, good, I woke your guy up. (pulls out deck of cards)

The Fortune Teller: Okay- (swats around) Stop it, get off!

The Fortune Teller: Now, I think the question we all have for this, this little rotten little beefcake, little boy boy-boy… Is he at peece? Is Anthony actually at peece 'ight nyow? (starts shuffling the cards)

The Fortune Teller: Well, we have to find out. And the only way to find out is to ask the cwords. The cwards. (brings up the deck) The tarot cwards.

The Fortune Teller: (turns towards Anthony) Okay? I’ll pull these for you, honey. (turns back) *sigh*

The Fortune Teller: So I am your guide. I’m your guy to the guide to the stars to the guy to the star, (gestures at herself) guide, (gestures at the audience) star. *sigh* Here we go. (pulls out the card)

The Fortune Teller: First cward… Oh! (shows the card) The Fool! This is a very very very good cward, okay? The Fool is definitely your younger self. It’s your younger self that saw the sketch “Bigfoot is Gay” with guest special Shayne Topp would age well! (looks directly at the camera) 9.4 million views, look it up! Look it up!

The Fortune Teller: *heavy sigh* It didn’t. (looks down and pulls out another card)

The Fortune Teller: The next cward… Oh. The Empress. This is a very very very good cward, okay? So this cward represents abundance of wealth, wealth and spiritual satisfaction. Which is interesting, because you bought this watch company and it started begging for handouts! (does a surprised face while looking around)

The Fortune Teller: I love Smosh, they’re very funny and I’m being paid to be here. (looks down)

The Fortune Teller: *starts gasping and grunting* Oh! Oh! I got chills, oh my god I got chills! I’ve got spirit chills! 

The Fortune Teller: Oh, there’s something happening! (looks and gestures towards other participants) Oh my goodness! You’re- you’re Shayne, right? There’s something right behind you - it is your TV career. (waves around in his direction) Okay? Okay? Okay, stick with me here, buddy. It’s your TV career and it’s dead, it’s dead. It’s done. (points at him) Don’t look at it, It’ll bum you out, alright? I’m here to protect you, alright?

The Fortune Teller: ... (nods) Very good. (looks down and pulls out another card) Sorry about that.

The Fortune Teller: Oh! Another cward, this is a very very good cward. Okay, so this is The Ten of Cups, okay? And this is a positive sign that you have reached completion and satisfaction on your journey- (looks down) Oh. Oh! It’s reversed, it means none of your partners have ever reached completion. Look it up! Look it up. (looks down and pulls out another card)

The Fortune Teller: Oh! Oh, The Lovers cward. (gestures at Anthony) This is not for you honey, I’m getting a- I’m getting a- Oh. (shows card to the room) This is a cward to little friends that go by Rhett and Link, okay? Okay, Rhett and Link. It’s your love, but it’s also love for the bullying of every member of your staff, alright?

The Fortune Teller: Oh, another spirit chill! (points) Chanse. It’s someone you need to look off. It’s someone who doesn’t serve you anymore. It’s Straight Chanse. Okay? You don’t need him anymore honey, it doesn’t take a psychic to know who you're gonna bed with, okay? Look it up! (looks down)

The Fortune Teller: Okay, okay… (pulls out a card) Okay, King of Hearts? This is for Anthony, a known ladies man… King of Fuorts, this is clearly for Ian.

The Fortune Teller: King of Fuorts. Fuorts. And Ian I can read your thoughts right now, no, I’m not producing milk. (looks down, then startles and looks at the back)

The Fortune Teller: There’s a man! There’s a man in the corner with a beard, oh my god, who's that? Steven (?) . This is for Angela. He says you’re a brilliant performer and that you deserve Broadway, and he can’t wait to see you eating sriracha tampons on Smosh Pit Next time!

The Fortune Teller: In conclusion! Smosh is a very sexless place, okay? And Anthony brought a lot of sexappeal and structure, (looks at Anthony) and are you at peece?

The Fortune Teller: Hello? Are you at peece? Are you’ peece? Anthony, are you at peece?

(Anthony, cowering a bit, cracks one of his eyes)

The Dead: Y-yup.

The Fortune Teller: (turns back sharply) Great! … *heavy sigh*

The Fortune Teller: Thank you guys, that’s my time. You guys should have appetizers or at least a pot full of mea- meatballs! Don’t google me!

(Amanda walks down from the podium. On her place walks up The Will)

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The Will

(Tommy walks up onto the podium and looks around)

The Will: (Gestures at the walls, draped in black torn up cloth and cobwebs) I see we decorated the walls with Anthony’s leftover sweaters. (uncovers his face from beneath the veil)

The Will: (takes out a scroll and opens it to read it) We gathered here today because we witnessed rising of the dead. (looks up) That’s right, the main channel is finally getting views again. *sigh* (looks up towards the sky) Thank fucking God.

The Will: I’ve also seen someone come back to life - I have never seen Ian happy. And, actually I am so happy, that I could be here. Because if it were up to the 2017 Anthony, we wouldn’t be. 

The Will: Unfortunately, Anthony is dead. No longer will he be able to spend a day with weird people to ask why they’re doing all (waves his hand around) that.

The Will: Anthony had a very hard life. His skin, marked from the time he tragically tripped in the Sharpies factory. His ears and hands, proof that he’s a victim of manic Claire’s employee. Only a tragic life could lead to looking like if a motorcycle was gay; I can say that, I’m a motorcycle.

The Will: But Anthony wasn’t known for his struggles, he was known for his accomplishments... Like making Obama jokes in 2023. Truly broke the mold, imagine, someone this conventionally attractive doing something so conventionally unattractive.

The Will: People also frequently ask about the meaning of his tattoos, and now that he’s passed I can reveal that it was so he could fuck goth girls.

The Will: And, not many people know this, but Anthony was also great at impressions - he does a really good “Anthony Padilla does not hate Tommy Bowe”

(Anthony is shown shaking his head in denial, wide-eyed)

The Will: And now, the moment we’ve been waiting for. My Groundhogs Day - reading of the will. (looks down at the scroll)

The Will: Amanda will receive Anthony’s copy of Frankenstein, ‘cause she was brought to life when lightning struck a bassoon. Amanda, if you don’t know what a bassoon sounds like, (lowers his voice pitch), ‘sounds like this. [1]

The Will: Anthony has already given Shayne the Smosh podcast channel; it was a social experiment to see if Shayne could have a normal conversation for an hour.

The Will: Anthony leaves Ian the Boxman head, so that he has somewhere to live when Smosh is over. Anthony also promises to possess Ian and use his body as a human host, which is risky, because as we’ve seen on YouTube... Ian is not the best host. Remember when my We Watched Show failed? [2]

The Will: Anthony leaves Courtney his tattoo artist so Courtney can finish her list of “tattoos from movies nobody gives a shit about”. Courtney will be soon getting a Smosh movie tattoo - it’s just one star.

The Will: Chanse will receive Anthony’s secret diary, containing Anthony’s true sexuality. Unfortunately it won’t work out because, as they say it, you know, two bottoms don’t make a ride, but they do make me infuriated.

The Will: Anthony leaves Tommy a king sized bed so he can finally put himself to sleep. 

The Will: Angela will receive a backwards cap, to go along her current physical form and Amber Alert on rollerblades.

The Will: And, Anthony gives Arasha his blackout curtains, to match her Friday nights.

The Will: This concludes everything Anthony had to give away, except for the rest of his clothes which he gave to Charity, who is a really hot goth girl.

The Will: Something to remember about Anthony is that he’s incredible and behind every great man is an even greater CEO. (salutes) Thank you Alé. (gets ready to leave)

The Will: Oh! And if anyone objects to Anthony’s death, please speak now or be silent forever.

???: Wait!

(camera pans away towards the corridor on the other side of Anthony’s casket, revealing a man, The Comedian)

The Comedian: Dammit, I object!

.

References:

[1] - bassoon is an instrument similar to a clarinet if you're wondering. It's also called the english f-slur in my native language, which paired up with Tommy being gay is a little funny to me

[2] - apparently, at least according to Reddit users, Tommy was referencing his "I Watched [blank] for the first time" video with Ian, which at the time had the least views on the whole Smosh Pit channel

.

The Comedian

(The Comedian strikes a pose, straightening his lapels and smiling to the audience, then walks up to the podium)

Brandon: (slaps his hands down the podium) I object… (pulls ot a folded paper) to not saying anything before we throw this (gestures with the paper towards Anthony) fucker into river, so lets do it. (unfolds the paper, which is shown to be torn and stained) Alright, sorry, I just came from, uh, the bathroom.

Brandon: It is an honor to be here tonight, (gestures at the casket) a highlight of Anthony’s career. When I heard it was a funeral I rode right over; I am such a whore for the funerals, (slaps down the podium to emphasize) I’m the biggest whore for the funerals, but today we’re joined by Courtney, so…

Brandon: But we’re not here to remember church sluts, (gestures towards Anthony) we're here to remember a church virgin.

Brandon: Anthony was a major advocate for mental health. And, today, we honor the most (slaps the podium) remarkable thing he’s done for his fans' mental health - die. It’s- that wasn’t a joke.

Brandon: It’s a shame he had to die before he could become interesting.

Brandon: No! Like that’s wrong- (points at Anthony) The only way he could get a show where he’s a star of it, is if it's about other people. Just saying, maybe he should’ve spend some time with a (slaps the podium) fucking hobby, (looks at Anthony) you boring prick!

Brandon: … (hands by his mouth in praying gesture)

Brandon: Anthony, thank you for dying. All of the oxygen that would’ve been wasted on the rest of your life is going to people with talent. (looks at the audience) Yes!

Brandon: And- and I have to say, this is a second time I’ve roasted (points at Anthony) this cuck in a casket, and the third time he better be in a fucking urn.

Brandon: Sorry, that was, uh… Rude. I-...

Brandon: Let’s eat Anthony.

Brandon: We can do it! No, because, he can’t say no no more. (points at Anthony) And look at all that meat. Yeah, “vegan” my ass. (walks up to Anthony and grabs his arm, sizing it up) Look at all this muscle, he’s been working out! One of his arms has enough muscle to do what he never could in life (pats Anthony) - feed a family.

Brandon: And also, fun fact! Anthony’s hairstyle is in Trolls 1 and 2. Yeah, it is! Before we threw him in the box (pulls out a bit of black curled wig and puts it on his forehead) I snipped some of his hair and I trough, maybe- maybe I could be the new Anthony. But! (smiles widely at the audience) This time hot and funny!

Brandon: Now I know he died early, “at such a young age”. (slaps the podium) Bitch, thirty- Three is a big number. Three decades?! I didn’t think he’d make it this far! Three is a very big number - that’s the amount of stars IMDB gave the Smosh movie! (shrugs) Yeah.

Brandon: (leans forward over podium) So I would just like to say, congratulations to you Ian. You are, finally, the most attractive original member from Smosh! (smiles wide-eyed and claps his hands)

Brandon: Now, the rest of you- what a pathetic goddamned lineup. No wonder it took all of (gestures around with his hand) this to replace this king! (points at Anthony) I don’t even know who the most of you are!

Brandon: Like, Arash- is that how you pronounce it?

The Coroner: Arasha.

Brandon: Well, I’ve never met you, and I won’t.

Brandon: And- you know you got a gay group of friends when Chanse blends in with the rest of you.

Brandon: And what- (points at Shayne) The Chosen Topp in the back? Doesn’t Shayne look like someone who has OnlyFans for Only Him?

Brandon: You fuckers should be ashamed of yourselves! (points at Anthony) This man was promised comedians at this event! And all I’m seeing is (counts) one, two, three, four, five, six, seven cumshots and Tommy. And Tommy’s here only because there will be seven cumshots! Tom-my. (slaps the podium) You’re in your thirties, it’s Tom now, motherfucker!

Brandon: *sigh* Anyways, I’d like to say in all seriousness. Anthony was a great friend, (points at Anthony with his hand) and he looks like a dream tonight. And it’s a shame morticians couldn’t get the smell of Rhett and Link’s balls out of his mouth. 

Brandon: Rot in hell Anthony, I love you.

(Brandon walks away towards the participant audience and sits down. His place on the podium takes up The Coroner)

.

The Coroner

(Arasha walks up onto the podium and stares directly into the camera with dead-eyed RBF in silence)

The Coroner: … (in the flattest, deadpan, raspy voice) Hi.

The Coroner: *sigh* I’m the medical examiner who conducted Anthony’s autopsy… And apparently the only one you know.

The Coroner: High-key, I was so excited for this assignment. See? (barely quirks her lips)

The Coroner: I’ve been wanting to be in a room with Anthony’s naked body since his video “Am I Gay?” - I find queerbaiting really attractive.

The Coroner: Either way it leaves somebody disappointed. Soo brave.

The Coroner: When I started to examine him closer I realised I’ve made a horrible mistake: this body is medically sus.

The Coroner: It’s like a pretty car, but under the hood is a nest of anxious wet rats in a circlejerk.

The Coroner: I spent a day with Anthony… and I’ve got an ick. This is what I found:

The Coroner: His hair was difficult to examine, as it was matted into curls after being burned, crunched, and forced into being straight for years… Like Chanse growing up in Tennessee.

(Chanse is shown doing the Shaka Sign[3])

The Coroner: His hemoglobin levels were normal, which was surprising, considering how much his blood boiled due dealing with Ian during years 2011 to 2018.

The Coroner: Vitals were all around normal, except his rizz… (frowns) Lowest I’ve ever seen.

The Coroner: It’s widely known Anthony had no game, and speaking of wide - he had a nose job.

The Coroner: Several years ago he (moves fingers in quoting motion) “fixed his deviated septum”... *quiet snort* Sure, king…

The Coroner: Now that he’s dead his nose is being repossessed, because he bought it (turns towards Ian) with Defy stocks (quirks her lips and widens her eyes in fake surprise)

The Coroner: He called himself a vegan, which usually means eating healthy, but then he only ate chips and protein bars…

The Coroner: Anthony is vegan the way Ian is our boss… the way Angela is an adult… the way Amanda is a podcaster… the way Brandon is a comedian… the way Tommy is- chill… The way Courtney is chill.

The Coroner: The way Shayne’s moustache… (frowns) worked?

The Coroner: The way Rhett and Link are friends… And the way Chanse is 22.

The Coroner: Now. Anthony’s skin has faced a lot of mixed treatment, clearly by being only inside for decades on his computer and then blasting his pores with stick-and-poke tattoos. (turns towards Anthony) There’s another way to get a tattoo, you know?

The Coroner: His neck is chafed by Ian constantly breathing down it… also, that’s the highest that Ian can reach on Anthony, being that Ian is 5’8’’ and Anthony is 5’11’’. That’s a 3 inch difference- Ian, I believe you’re familiar with 3 inches...?

The Coroner: (looks down) I’ll find that out one way or another…

The Coroner: Anthony’s nervous system was in tatters - we found lethal amounts of marihuana and extra strength yerba mate. In our field we call this “cocaine bounding”

The Coroner: (turns towards Anthony and looks at him in contemplation) …

The Coroner: Upon examining his heart, I found that it is healthy. Though it contains many healed wounds, he is still full of love and support for his people. (turns towards the audience)

The Coroner: It takes strength to live fractured and come back home whole.

The Coroner: ...

The Coroner: Speaking of hole - flat ass.

The Coroner: That’s it. Coroner, out.

(she takes her files and stands down from the podium. Her place, once again, takes up The Pastor)

The Pastor: Alright folks, we are about halfway through our members.

The Pastor: Also, (gestures towards the keyboard hidden in church organs) quick shoutout to Josh everybody (starts clapping), doing a great job on the organ.

The Pastor: You know, Josh is kinda like our own “Phantom of the Opera”, he’s- he’s like an angel of music that is- behind the scenes and, holding women hostage, with stories that never end.

(Josh makes an offended face, then looks down with a sad face)

The Pastor: …

The Pastor: Anyway. I’ve been told that we have an extra, special half-time performance.

The Pastor: From Chanse, who is extra. And Angela, who is special.

The Pastor: (Nods) Take it away.

(He walks down from podium, as Chanse and Angela run up towards the camera that starts tracking them and piano music starts playing)

.

References:

[3] - The Shaka Sign

.

Anthony: The Musical

(Angela and Chanse walk up to the camera, backward caps on their heads[4], looking towards it as they start talking to each other)

Angela: Hey Chanse.

Chanse: Yes?

Angela: You know how they gave us 10 minutes to do whatever we want, you think what I’m thinking?

Chanse: I think what you’re thinking.

Angela: Yeah.

(Chanse starts talking directly towards camera)

Chanse: So there’s the thing: we bought the rights to Anthony’s life on Craigslist and we made a play out of it. 

Chanse: So, we present:

(They move their bodies to form an A)

Both: Anthony: The Musical!

Angela, singing:

An emo girl on YouTube, but nothing strikes a cord..

A dude that hears music in video games, but knows there’s something more..

A salesman who sells phallic foods, but nobody thinks it’s funny..

A white teenage guy, in 2005, with no one to give his money...[5]

Both:

Who do we give our money?

Chanse (Anthony): So, you’re saying I just press this button here and a video goes to the entire Internet, Ian?

Angela (Ian): Yeah, I’m Ian.

Chanse (Anthony): Well, here goes nothing. (touches near the camera with his finger, then waves) Hey guys!

Chanse (Anthony), singing:

My name is Anthony, and I’m here to say

I make funny things, in a teenage way

Pokemons or the parodies, for adolescents

Too scared to smoke weed!

‘Cause I’m the-

Both, singing: Man with the viral touch!

Chanse (Anthony): We need a catchphrase

Both, singing: Man with the viral touch!

Angela (Ian): Shut uup!

Both, singing: Man with the viral touch!

Chanse (Anthony), singing: And Ian’s here too!

(Angela (Ian) pats Chanse (Anthony), peeking out from behind his shoulder)

Angela (Ian): I’m right here.

(Chanse (Anthony) moves aside)

Chanse (Anthony): Oh, sorry.

Chanse, narrating: Meanwhile, at the YouTube headquarters…

Chanse (Anthony): Mr. YouTube! Mr. YouTube!

(Angela (Mr. YouTube) is shown walking with an umbrella, using it as walking stick)

Angela (Mr. YouTube): Ah! Don’t bother me now, I’m in an awful mood, after a bad call with a store runner!

Chanse (Anthony): Well-

Angela (Mr. YouTube): They-! They are crushing us in the horny teen demographic! They are absolutely crushing us! I feel like I’m trapped in a box, man! A box, man!

Chanse (Anthony): Well, that’s just what I was gonna say! Look at this!

Chanse (Anthony), singing: I’m Boooooooxmaaaan! 

Angela (Mr. YouTube): Nice!

Angela (Mr. YouTube), singing:

Now it’s clear to me, I finally know,

My website depends on these teenage bros.

Give them money! Give them fame!

Their lives will never

Be! The!! Same!!!

Chanse, narrating: Ladies and gentleman: Two teenage boys!

Both, singing:

Man with the viral touch!

Chanse (Anthony): We’re getting monetized!

Both, singing: Man with the viral touch!

Chanse (Anthony): We sold to Defy!

Both, singing: Man with the viral touch!

Chanse (Anthony), singing: But I still want more…

Angela (Ian): (progressively draping herself over Chanse (Anthony)’s shoulders, her face getting more deranged) Anthony!! How cool is this! We have movies, TV shows, Babble adds! We’re gonna do this thing until we literally work ourselves into the grave! Isn’t it great?! I love you, but I’m also weirdly and constantly comparing myself to you when you’re around!

Chanse (Anthony): (shrugs Angela (Ian) off) Oh, my God!

Chanse (Anthony), singing:

Why would you make me hot, when I’m so smart?

Can I get to a place where I’m not…

Both: Hot and smart...

I made this channel back when I was sick,

My hair is grey and my walet’s thick

And my best friend gives me the ick [6]

(falls at his knees)

What is next? What should I do?!

(bangs his fist on the ground)

This is not the Smosh I knew!

(looks down at his hands)

Chanse (Anthony): But- I can fix this, right? Cause I’m…

(Angela (Ian) walks up to him and kneels down next to him)

Chanse (Anthony), singing:

Should I even try… (Angela (Ian) awkwardly puts her hand at his arm, but he brushes it off and stands up)

I’m gonna quit Defy

Now it’s me, myself and… (turns back and sees Angela (Ian), then looks back away)

Me…

Chanse, narrating: We cut to Anthony two years later. He’s making his own content, which is mostly him talking about why he left Smosh, over, and over, and over… and over again. It’s not sustainable, and he knows it.

Angela (Anthony): Think Anthony, ugh come on! Your channel is getting terrible views, it’s almost like your content is really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really bad. Come on, I can do this! What do I have that Smosh doesn’t? Think…

Angela (Anthony), singing:

Comedy is bullshit,

Vloging’s just for squares

I’m saying that ‘cause I tried both and views just don’t compare,

To what I had…

Both:

What should I do?

(camera gets really close up to Angela (Anthony)’s face, with her holding her fist up in front of her like she’s singing into a mic)

Angela (Anthony), scream-singing:

I GOTTA FIND MY NEW SEEELF!!!

MAKE MY OWN FIVE MINUTE HIT!!!

I GOTTA FIND MY NEW SEEEELF!!!

OR I WILL LOSE MY FUCK-ING SHIT!!! 

Angela (Anthony): Think Anthony! C’mon! Do some yoga! (camera pans down to show Chanse doing a Crow Pose[7]) Downward dog- (gibberish)[8] Ugh! It’s not working!

Angela (Anthony): Wait! The answers… (looks down at her hands) they’re in the tats!

Angela (Anthony), singing:

Dig down deep, search myself!

Need something o-ri-gi-nal!

If only! I could know! POVs outside mine own!

Both:

Sexworkers, Kidz Bopps or adult babies!

Ex-mormons, trans people, nudists, furries!

Huge bodybuilders, professional cuddlers!

Flat Earthers or strippers, and substitute teachers!

Angela (Anthony):

But most Importantly!

They get to talk to me!

Chanse, narrating: And just like that, he found it: “I spend a day with…” - a show where Anthony interviews marginalized people for an hour and then keep all the profits! You know, like a hero! And just like that…

Angela (Anthony), scream-singing:

I FOUND MY NEW SEEELF!!!

I’VE MADE MY OWN FIVE MINUTE HIT!

NOW THAT I FOUND MY NEW SEEELF!!!

I DON’T NEED SMOSH, I’M! THE!! SHIT!!!

Chanse, narrating: Meanwhile, across the river at Smosh…

Both, singing:

(both of them move from one side of the view to the other, hunched over as if searching and moving their hands like robots, completing it by accenting their singing like “robots”)

Where are you, An-tho-ny, where are you?

Where are you, An-tho-ny, where are you?

Where are you, An-tho-ny, where are you?

Where are you, An-tho-ny, where are you?

(camera panes out toward the organ)

Josh: Ha! I’m Rhett and Link! And we'll take your channel and see if it will pizza! *menacing laugh*

(camera pans back)

Both: *screeching*

(Chanse is shown wearing blond wig)

Chanse (Shayne): Agh, I’m Shayne, and I’ve been carrying the channel on my back for so long and I can’t hold on much longer! Smosh is in trouble! If we don’t do something immediately, we’re toast! You have to make the call, Ian!

Angela (Ian): I’m Ian and I won’t make that phone call.

Chanse (Shayne): You must!

Angela, narrating: Meanwhile, at Anthony’s mansion…

Chanse (Anthony), singing:

My channel’s finally found a voice,

And I’m making so much money

But if I’m being honest, I miss my friend,

And being funny…

Angela (Ian): *ring ring ring* Hey, uh… It’s Ian.

Chanse (Anthony): It’s Anthony…?

Angela (Ian): Yeah, I know, uh- I was just wondering… 

Chanse (Anthony): What?

Angela (Ian): Listen, I really like the work you’re doing; Giving people with different perspectives a platform, but… Doesn’t any part of you want to go back to making the same, ill-informed, sexist, homophobic content we’ve made fifteen years ago?

Chanse (Anthony): Wow… I spent a day with so many people, but I guess the only person that I haven’t spent a day with… (exaggeratedly shrugs) is my best friend.

Angela (Ian), singing: I’ll spend a day with you!

Chanse (Anthony), singing: (in a much deeper voice that he used before) You’ll spend a day with me!

Both, singing: We’ll spend a day together, once again,

We’re Ian and Anthony!

I’ll spend a day with you!!!

Chanse (Anthony): We’ll summon a demon!

You’ll spend a day with me!

Chanse (Anthony): Be given an (?) !

And the future of Smosh is okay,

Cause I’ll spend a day,

I’ll spend a day,

I’ll spend a day!

Angela (Ian): *sigh* Everything is back to normal

Chanse (Anthony): Yeah! Let's agree to never sell our creative property to a major corporation again

Angela (Ian): Let's never ever ever do that!

(Both turn to look directly into the camera while pointing at it)

Both: Hold us to it!

(They look back towards each other)

Chanse (Anthony): And one more thing. We should address the sexual tension between us, that’s perpetrated not only by fans but our own actions, on screen AND OFF. Let’s talk about it, right here. Right now…

(They slowly move closer, grasping and embracing each other as if they were about to kiss)

(Then Chanse (Anthony) abruptly pushes Angela (Ian) back and sharply turns away)

Chanse (Anthony): No, hah!

Chanse, narrating: We cut to the Smosh studio where the whole gang is reunited.

Angela: I’m the Smosh cast and half of us are late to the meeting!

Both: (jumping up in excitement) Yay!!

Both, singing: (clapping to the rhythm of music)

‘Cause he’s the man with the viral touch!

Chanse: I’ll spend a day with you!

Both: Man with the viral touch!

Angela: I only wanna be with you!

Both: Man with the viral touch!

And we have all!

Been!!

Touched!!!

…

..

.

(Music abruptly cuts off…)

.

References:

[4] - These caps have "Ian" and "Anthony" written on them, with Amanda and Chanse wearing them respectively. I just wrote down who is playing which role at the moment (cause they do switch the caps) for simplicity

[5] - They make this bit in the TNTL #143 (the second musical one)

[6] - According to Wikipedia articles on the topic, the ick is used to describe "A sudden feeling of disgust or repulsion for someone one was previously attracted to"; do with that what you will (I didn't know it until just now)

[7] - The Crow Pose, also called Kakasana

[8] - the gibberish sounded like a butchered version of original name for the Downward Dog yoga pose (written in latin it being Adho Mukha Svanasana), but I didn't know how to write it's botched version so the reference would still be clear

.

The Hecklers

(...to Keith running onto the stage while his Stripping Bit Music is playing. He dances with Chanse and Angela fo a bit, the throws off his clothes and dances only in his gold boxers for a while)

(After everything is cleaned up, The Pastor walks back up onto the podium)

The Pastor: Wow!

The Pastor: Wow, give it up once again to Chanse and Angela, that was incredible! (clapps)

The Pastor: In-credible!

The Pastor: Also, give it up to Keith!

The Pastor: I think that’s the eight times you’ve done the striptease in a video? Which qualifies you as a sex offender, so congratulations. (clapps)

(Keith, smiling widely, turns towards the audience and joins clapping)

The Pastor: No, don’t- don’t clap to that!

The Pastor: Um- (leans over the podium) You got all your money?

(Keith is shown picking up all the “money” he dropped when he threw off his coat

The Pastor: Um, Okay. (looks up) Everyone, we have a very special guest that we kept a secret from all of you. Some describe them as Smosh from an alternative universe, if that universe was a little less funny and a lot more gay.

The Pastor: Ladies and gentlemen: Dan and Phill!

(Two people in red monk? robes bring in a TV screen on wheels, putting it besides Anthony’s casket. The screen is showing static, which then cuts to a video showing static)

Phil: My guys… thanks for having us.

Dan: This is a sad time. (Turns towards Phil) I feel like I’ve lost a brother… People always think that me and Anthony look so similar - same eyes, same hair, same nose- well, we used to have the same nose but then… *awkward cough*

Phil: We were so proud when Anthony got Smosh back, but we’re also proud about his impactful and original solo content, like “I spent a day with…”, and his sketches with us.

Dan: *chuckles* Remember that time when he just vlogged himself in his swimwear, doing slip-n-slide with his ex-girlfriend. Good content, bro!

Phil: But while legacy, Smosh used to be the most subscribed channel of all time! What happened? It’s almost like two guys yelling at each other for six minutes stops being funny when you’re not six years old anymore

Dan: Hey! Smosh may not have epic and impressive stunts like Mr.Beast, but as long as Shayne can just read shit off Reddit… You’ll be alright

Phil: For a man who identifies as a straight man by their proximity in a hot tub, Anthony has the worst gaydar ever! Once at VidCon we got smashed on tequila sunrises with Joey Graceffa, and Anthony thought we were having a “bro moment”.

Dan: I have, unironically, bought the Sexy Anthony Calendar when I was 19, and when he found out he just said “Thanks for your support”. I once told him I couldn’t wait to get back to his house to slobber over his fatty, and he took me to a burrito truck.

Dan: What a dumbass! A dumb, fuckable ass…

Phil: (nodding) The world lost a good himbo.

Dan: Hey, look! I don’t do this to be mean. He’s not dumb, he just smoked so much weed that he thinks sitting in a chair with someone for 20 minutes is spending a whole day together

Phil: We’ve been with him through some hardest moments of his life!

Dan: So many exes…

Phil: He stayed at our house when he got his tattoo, came all the way to the London, spent all that money, only to look like someone dropped a plate of Squeal Out paste [9] on a C-Tier OnlyFans twink.

Dan: The tattoo artist actually got violently electrocuted while it was happening, but just played it of as intentional *sigh* Now he looks like someone just inverted colors on my Sexy Anthony Calendar after I spent a five minutes with it in a bathroom

Phil: It felt like he finally got to a good place in his life, where he could be truly authentic. He found a “unique” way of styling himself - he searched “edgy”... on Pintrest.

Dan: Anthony dresses like if Edward Scisorhand fell into a cabinet at a pornshop.

Phil: Hey!

Dan: Sorry, we apologize. That was very insensitive to Edward, he would never let his hair get this crusty and disgusting, like he had someone jizz on them and then left it on the sun for ten days. Like my Sexy Anthony Calendar

Phil: We wish Ian all the best in running Smosh without Anthony… Again.

Dan: But if you need another YouTubers to bail out Smosh again do not come to us, okay? Not because we don’t have the money, but because we don’t believe in you.

Phil: Goodbye!

(The whole screen turns into static, then cuts back to the funeral set.)

The Pastor: Wow! Wow, wow… Wow!

The Pastor: Thank you Dan and Phil, that was- that was crazy horny.

The Pastor: So, um, hopefully our next guest isn’t as horny, and that is- Oh, shit! It’s The Bikini Girl…

.

References:

[9] - Squeel Out is a disk break grease paste for bikes with a cartoon pig on it's jar, it usually comes in black.

.

The Bikini Girl

(Cortney struts up to the podium, ostentatiously shaking her butt, then pulls out a note from her bra)

The Bikini Girl: (in high-pitched, overly sweet tone) Ooh! Huh… warm… 

The Bikini Girl: Hah… Hello people wearing clothing!

The Bikini Girl: Today, Bikini Girl, the barely clothed lady that Ian and Anthony put in every video from 2009 to 2015, and, for some reason, present day!

The Bikini Girl: I am honored to be speaking at the funeral of Anthony Penis. I’m honestly honoured to be speaking at all! Usually I’m only allowed one line, and one puke. Get you a girl who can do both two things one time! (does a peace sign)

The Bikini Girl: I am so, so sad Anthony is dead… *exaggerated anime-like fake crying* Wah! Oh, waah! Wah…

The Bikini Girl: He and Ian always reminded me of my boobs… because there’s two of them! And one of them refuses to go to therapy! Plus seeing only one is unsettling and shockingly sterilizing…

The Bikini Girl: Um, you know, uh… *high pitched chuckle* Sorry, not used to talking for so long

The Bikini Girl: Actually, you all remind me of boobies, hihi!

The Bikini Girl: One that’s so perky it’s honestly alarming - that’s Arasha! One that is firmed up from being overused and overworked - that’s Shayne! One that always pops out at 3 am at WeHo - that’s Chanse! 

The Bikini Girl: One that when you squeeze it, it feels like it’s squeezing you back… that’s Amanda! Hihi, uhuh!

The Bikini Girl: One that if you breathe near it, it will go “Oh my gosh! That is literally the smartest thing you've ever said!” - that’s Angela! One boob that knows how to edit, but is just a cunt - that’s Tommy!

The Bikini Girl: I know two that- that are hairy and old, those are testicles and these are Rhett and Link!

The Bikini Girl: One boob that is definitely listening right now, that’s Keith!

(Keith is shown, visibly not listening)

Keith: Wha-what did you just say?

The Bikini Girl: One boob that you see at middle school and makes you think, “Am I Gay?” - that’s Brendon.

The Bikini Girl: I loved working at Smosh. My job was bikini. Just bikini. My day rate was 200$, and as a tip I could make men act uncomfortably for 12 hours.

The Bikini Girl: And, uh, you know (spreads arms) many other women had played role of Bikini Girl, which reserved me roles that were more respectable for women, like “Ugly Pikachu” and “Women on date with Ian”

The Bikini Girl: Not to toot my own thumb but I was a star! A big star, uhuh! Thumbnails are so important, why else would you click on the video, because it’s funny? No! (starts laughing at high pitch and jumping up, making her boobs jiggle)

The Bikini Girl: I was even in the video “Slow-mo Bikini Girl - Behind the scenes”. It has a behind-the-scenes clip where Ian and Anthony spray me with a hose in their front yard and call it “pervo vision”. Ian looks to the camera and says “It’s wish fulfillment kids - this is why you become a writer”. Such an awesome thing to say!

The Bikini Girl: They got 14- oh, oop- they got 4.9 million views, and I got hypothermia! *in a whiny sad tone* I couldn’t use their towels ‘cause they were too crusty…

The Bikini Girl: Anthony, Ian! Are you shaking in your boobs right now? Okay…

The Bikini Girl: But give them a break, they were boys when they wrote those sketches. And they still are.

The Bikini Girl: But- oop, sorry, not these words- hello, hi… Oooh, that’s a new letter, that’s fun… 

The Bikini Girl: Oh, yes! They are still boys. Boys will be boys, girls will be girls, and please- oop, oh God! So many words!

The Bikini Girl: Boys will be boys, girls will be girls, and women will be two scawy, aah! Women awe scawy, cause it’s Bikini Girl, remember? Bikini. Girl. To clarify, not Bikini Woman, it's an important distinction. Girl. I’m a girl. In a bikini. You put a girl in a bikini- that’s how you wrote it! 

The Bikini Girl: No Bikini Woman, because Bikini Women awe so scawy! women awe so scawy, ugh! What’s under your blouse, two perfectly round guns?! OOh!!

The Bikini Girl: Don’t worry, Ian and Anthony had grown so much since then. They’re self-aware now, and how problematic it is, and they’ll do it anyway!

The Bikini Girl: Um, I love you both. But, if you want me to come back it will be on my terms. Okay? And those terms are:

The Bikini Girl: Let a woman into the writers room, literally any woman.

The Bikini Girl: Also, let the writers room be a jacuzzi, yay! (starts squealing and jumping up)

The Bikini Girl: If anyone objects to these terms, speak now or forever hold your penis!

???: We object!

(Camera cuts towards the corridor that Brandon walked through, revealing two people standing in it)

.

The Custodians

(Rhett and Link slowly walk up to the podium, as The Bikini Girl skips back to her seat)

The Bikini Girl: (waving over her shoulder) Hi daddies!

Both: (eyes trailing her) Hi…

Rhett: We object and I am holding my penis.

Link: Sorry we didn’t dress to the occasion, we know that we aren’t guests that… you wanted to invite.

Rhett: Definitely not the first choice. 

Link: Uh, yeah. Ian’s Mom didn’t wanna come, she has a “girlfriend experience” scetchuled for her top OnlyFans payer.

Rhett: She also said that five minutes were not enough time to say all the things she wanted to say about the emaciated cuck of a son.

Link: We don’t know why you guys just didn’t invite some cancelled YouTubers that appeared on the Smosh channels over the years. Isn’t that a pattern? A YouTuber comes over, they get cancelled? Why can’t you just forgive them the way fans forgive Shaynes new show?

Rhett: *ekhm* Or did they not…

Rhett: You know, it’s honestly hard to come up with something bad to say about (gestures with both hands) this guy, like. Anthony Padilla is just a genuinely good guy, right? But, you know, now that he’s passed I think this is a perfect opportunity for us to reveal the real story of what happened when Ian and Anthony came to us wanting to buy Smosh back, okay?

Rhett: So there’s a story in the press that makes everybody look good, and then there’s the truth. And it didn’t start when we bought Smosh, or when we sold Smosh- It started the day that We Bought Smosh.

Link: You’re right. And from the beginning we were always like, yeah, it would be great if Anthony came back, we’re open to it! But the moment we brought it up with Ian he said, and I quote: “FUCK THAT GUY!!”

Link: “HE’S OVER THERE FUCKING- SPENDING DAYS WITH PEOPLE!! AND THAT MOTHERFUCKER ISN’T ACTUALLY SPENDING A DAY WITH PEOPLE, HE’S SPENDING HOURS WITH PEOPLE!!! HE’S SUCH A FUCKING LIAR!!! I HATE THAT BEAUTIFUL, BEAUTIFUL, BEAUTIFUL MAN!!!

Link: That’s what he said.

Rhett: (nodding) Yeah, I remember that. I was there.

Rhett: But over time Ian had a change of heart, he came to us and said “I feel like I need to rekindle my friendship with Anthony before I’m older than Rotten Tomatoes audience score for Smosh: The Movie”

Rhett: (looks into the camera) And if you’re at home taking shots every time somebody makes a joke about Smosh: The Movie, take your third shot.

Link: So then one day Ian and Anthony together showed up at our office to say (turns towards Rhett) they wanted to buy Smosh back…?

Rhett: (nodding) Mhm

Link: …from us.

Rhett: Yup.

Link: And in order to tell you exactly how that went, um… let’s roleplay.

(Link rips his shirt open)

(Rhett pulls out a Sharpie and starts to draw over his chest and arms)

Link: Hands, get the hands… and there (points at his neck and shows it to Rhett)

Rhett: I’ve never seen the back… (starts to smear all over Links chest)

Link: (flinches back) Hey- don’t get the nipple!

…

Rhett: Alright! (claps) I’ll be Anthony.

Link: …

(Link starts to put his shirt back)

Link: Ugh, whatever…

Courtney: They’re making you put it back on-?!

(Link continues to, slowly, put his shirt back on)

Link: Hold on! I-I’ll be us…

Rhett: Yeah, sure. This is exactly how it went down, okay?

(Rhett stands in front of Link, arms linked and head down)

Rhett: …

Rhett: (In baby voice) Can we pwease have it back? Can we pwease have it back, can we-can we pwease? I mean… We sold it fow fwee, can we get it back fow fwee?

Link: Anthony, it’s… We can’t just sell it for free, I mean… there’s still some value associated with it. I mean the main channel still has 36 million subscribers, and 1.5 of them- still watch, occasionally.

Rhett: And that’s when Anthony said:

(Rhett starts to exaggeratedly hyperventilate and clench his hands) 

Rhett: I’ll do anything man, listen- (leans really close to Link) I’ll show you my secret for making my interviews not interesting…

Rhett: (rears back and starts waving his hands around) Oh, no no no, I got it-! I got it-! I got it-! 

Link: Yeah…?

Rhett: I’ll keep making the same shitty content that Ian has been making without me…

Rhett: Oh, no no no, I got it-! I got it-! I got it - I’ll give you 10 plain black T-shirt that’s like 7000$...

Rhett: Or, no no no, I’ll spend a day… (leans in really close to Link) with your wifes. 

Link: He- he did say that.

Rhett: Oh, no no no, I, uhm, I, uh, I- I’LL TEACH YOU GUYS HOW TO SUCK YOUR OWN DICK!!! WHY DO YOU THINK I STARTED TO DO ALL THAT YOGA?! TO SUCK MY OWN DICK! AND NOW I CAN- I CAN SHARE MY KNOWLEDGE WITH YOU GUYS!! I CAN TEACH YOU HOW TO SUCK MY- YOUR OWN DICK!!!

Link: And I’ve said: Heh, you’ve got a deal!

Link: Ian was ecstatic, but he had three requirements for the deal to go trough:

Link: Uh, he wanted to ensure that he would continue to only give at most 30% effort, at any moment.

Link: Um, he also wanted to keep parking his Porsche next to his editors’ Honda Civics…?

(Ian is shown nodding along, mouthing “yeah” several times)

Link: And he really wanted to make sure that he could still drink breast milk from a hydro flask at every single… meeting…?

Rhett: Yeah. And we denied all these requests but he caved really quickly. The deal went through, we added a clause to the agreement though and that was:

Rhett: In case of Anthony’s death, Smosh reverts to us. (spreads arms) So you’re looking at your new owners again!

(Ian is shown acting distraught at this)

Link: Of course we’re too busy to be involved at day-to-day level so we’ll bring a new CEO, he’s great. He’s from the company… (snaps to remember) What’s it called again?

Both: (pointing at each other) Oh! Defy Media!

Link: Dustin Diamond?

(they proceed to walk down towards the audience seats, not saying anything else. Their place takes The Chosen)

.

The Chosen

(The Chosen walks up to the podium, stands with his back to the audience, then looks over his shoulder all badass. He then turns back completely, leaning with his hands on the podium)

The Chosen: Greetings. I am the Chosen.

The Chosen: You’re probably wondering why I look so badass right now… It’s because we’re on a cusp of the greatest battle in the entire history of the whole universe… And also I got queso on my three-wolves-moon shirt… And I fell off my razor scooter on the way here.

The Chosen: Laying before us (turns towards Anthony) is the greatest adversary, in all of human history. (turns back)

The Chosen: The final boss: Anthony Padilla.

The Chosen: *deep sigh* If he reawakens… the world will be thrown into a freaking. Hellscape.

The Chosen: Tragically, it wasn’t always meant this way… 

The Chosen: In fact, believe it or not… Anthony was once… The Greatest Chosen to ever exist.

(audience gasps)

The Chosen: His tale begins eons ago, the year 2005. Merely 4 years after 9/11, Anthony’s powers were… undeniable.

The Chosen: He created Smosh entirely by himself. And he was a Master of Coding - which is code for being able to use code.

The Chosen: Despite this, The Chosen Council was sceptical. You see, Anthony didn’t look like your typical Chosen. His appearance could be only described as… (glances at Anthony) Magician with allegations… Or if Pete Wentz was white.

The Chosen: Despite my protests, The Chosen Council denied him. So, Anthony had to carve his own path. He left Smosh, and after making some of the worst content known to men… he decided to spend a day with every kind of person, absorbing their powers.

The Chosen: Artists, scientists, survivors, satanists, furries and… Dream.

The Chosen: He truly spent a day with every kind of person besides an acting coach.

The Chosen: When he returned to Smosh, his powers were so great he had gained power to alter environments - like how he completely erased the entire cast from the main Smosh channel. But these powers proved to be too tempting…

The Chosen: Anthony began to stray from the light - he stopped gaming, and began to cover his body in stupid tattoos that, unlike mine, do not come off in two to three washes.

The Chosen: Worst of all… Anthony Padilla… had sex!

(audience gasps)

The Chosen: (progressively louder and angrier) He broke the sacred No-Fap Rule of The Chosen! With every excruciating nut, his personality became more cringe! With every devastating bust, his content became more like Jubilee!! He comet his entire purpose away!!!

The Chosen: Until he became (turns towards Anthony) Calamity Chosen!

The Chosen: And no matter what I did I couldn’t stop him! (turns towards Anthony)

The Chosen: You were The Chosen one! It was you who’d bring the balance to Smosh, not leave it in darkness! You were my brother, Anthony! I loved you!

The Chosen: *sigh* (turns his back towards the audience) I couldn’t save him… I failed us. (turns back)

The Chosen: And now, on this very night… Calamity Chosen will return.

(starts humming repeatedly “pa” to the Avengers credits music cadence)

…

The Chosen: In order to defeat him… it will require every Chosen in the known multiverse, including The Chosens in this very room who’ve been lying dormant, awaiting for this very moment. Prepare now, to be Chosen!

The Chosen: Brandon Rogers… is Chosen. His ability to hold time is impressive. His YouTube channel has stayed in 2015 for 8 years.

The Chosen: Courtney Miller is Chosen! It’s fascinating to witness what a middle schooler would be like at 28 years old.

The Chosen: Arasha is NOT Chosen. She is more of a ChoseMe.

The Chosen: Tommy! Tommy is Chosen. Because being gay is a choice.

(general sounds of disagreement)

The Chosen: Just-! Just kidding. Being gay is not a choice… but being depressed is.

The Chosen: Angela… is Italian.

The Chosen: Amanda is not Chosen, because she looks like shit, smells like shit, and is overall a massive piece of shit!

(Amanda is shown flipping him off with both hands while laughing)

Amanda: Fuck you…

The Chosen: Ian… *sigh* Anthony’s sidekick.

The Chosen: Believe it or not, you are Chosen. The plot of Five Nights At Freddys is actually based on Ian’s experiences at Chuck E Cheese. Just ask Matpat who’s here- (starts frantically looking around) Is he not here-? Oh shit, Matpat was supposed to be here. Oh, we’re fucked-!

The Chosen: No, we’re not. Okay! Chosens, we’ve got this!

(takes out a katana from scabbard on his back)

The Chosen: The battle against Anthony will be fierce! But if we stand together we can defeat him! And once we do, we will dine (raises the fist with a katana into the air) at Chillies!!!

(Shayne walks down from the podium, surrounded by ovations. His place takes up The Vessel.)

.

The Vessel

(Angela walks up to the podium)

The Vessel: Hey everybody! It’s, um Angela. Sorry, I’m just not feeling so well-

(Her eyes start rolling, she starts gasping and grunting as a much raspier voice speaks through her)

The Vessel: It’s me! The Vessel! I’m your daddy and I’m gonna eat your ass family style! Agh!

The Vessel: Oh guys, sorry that was weird-

The Vessel: It’s me, The Chat! Taking over to roast Anthony’s itty-bitty assy! These are directly submitted by you guys, the fans! *verbally keysmashes*

The Vessel: Ugh! Let’s begin the roast, okay?! Yeah!

The Vessel: You all submitted over 6 thousands roasts; there are just some of them- JK, just the good ones! *gibberish*

The Vessel: /105punkroad said: “Anthony is so vegan that he can’t even eat pussy” *laughs maniacally*

The Vessel: /Amy wrote: “Anthony looks like if a 5 year old drew her imaginary boyfriend” Uggh! These are fucking good!

The Vessel: /Brett wrote: “Anthony is like if a Skunk became a real boy.”

The Vessel: /ClaireVamp wrote: “Anthony is the first straight man to experience twink death.”

The Vessel: /Darwin wrote: “Anthony looks like he goes “where’s my hug at?” to people” Agh! That was a good one!

The Vessel: /MJPXD - sick nick by the way - wrote: “Anthony Padilla: died by… chickwin. … Joulkink. … Chelkin?

Ian: Jelqing!

The Vessel: I don’t know what that word is! *verbal keysmash* Fuck!

The Vessel: /PageAshlyn wrote: “The lines on Anthony’s body are the failed attempts to find the clit.”

The Vessel: /Cecile(?) wrote: “We all know Josh can find the citorys-! (looks back down) …huh? … That’s what it read. Nevermind-

The Vessel: /CD4999 wrote: “Anthony is like if you took an image of every Johnas Brothers, compressed it into one and then made it into a JPEG, sounds like it too” *verbal keysmash*

The Vessel: /QR(?) wrote: “You might be wondering why it’s never Anthony and Ian - it’s actually because Ian always comes first” Oh! This is some good shit!

(Both Anthony and Ian are shown facepalming)

The Vessel: /Jenna wrote: “Hey Anthony, are you Keith’s cancer? Because I’m sure as fuck happy you’re gone” Aagh! That one hurt even for me!

The Vessel: /CJ wrote: “Smosh is (?) for mentally ill” That one hurt to say, CJ.

The Vessel: /(?) wrote: “Arasha loves the Bollywood movie “3 Idiots”. Funny enough, that's the equivalent of brain cells she has.”

(audience boos, shaking their heads in disappointment)

The Vessel: … It was more of a comment than a joke, my guy. Ughh…

The Vessel: /swagmoneypugs wrote: “The Chosen has baby nipples” *chortles*

(camera shows everyone turning towards Shayne to look at his chest and many of them comments that it’s true; he looks down with a sad face)

The Vessel: /anonymous wrote: “Ian is like if Chanse was gay”

(everyone is shown to be confused)

(Amanda gasps suddenly)

The Vessel: (deep breath) Oh! Thank God I didn’t have to say anything mean-!

(she starts gasping again)

The Vessel: When Anthony laughs, it kinda sounds like this: *fake-sounding laugh* It sounds like a dolphin on a first date, ugh-! Just kidding! That was me, I just did it in the voice.

(The Vessel walks down the podium and The Pastor replaces her on it)

The Pastor: Alright, *clap* let’s give it up to The Vessel (claps) … Wow. Frickin’... a lot of-... a lot of vagina jokes… which is fine.

The Pastor: Also, let’s give it up one more time for Shayne. (claps)

The Pastor: You know, both Shayne’s father and grandfather were pilots in the military, which explains why Shayne is able to go under the radar of Hollywood for so long.

(Shayne is shown covering his face as if in shame)

The Pastor: Well folks, we are nearing the end of this live and look! We didn’t have to make a single cringy-ass life video!

The Pastor: You see, Anthony made two of them - because after the first one, he had notes.

The Pastor: However… There was one more secret that was kept this entire time, and I think it’s about time for this secret to be uncovered. (to the audience) Are you guys ready for this? Are you ready?

(Everyone nods in confirmation)

The Pastor: …The secret is, that I was the hot one!

The Pastor: (in goofy excederated voice) Yeaah! That’s right! It was me! You don’t believe me?! You want proof?!! Okay! You’ll get proof! (pulls out a framed picture) This is Anthony as a baby!

(audience screams in shock)

The Pastor: That’s right! THAT (points at picture) is actually Anthony! This ice climber with frostbite was Anthony! This is The Hot One?! I don’t think so! What, was his mother’s womb full of bees?!

The Pastor: I mean, he’s got the- he’s got the hairline of a 50 year old construction worker! After I saw this photo, I had to google if Benjamin Button disease was a real thing! I… It looks like he’s cringing it- all the cringe content that he’s about to create! (puts the picture down) But really…- (picks it back up) I’ll just show it one more time, Jesus Christ. That’s- that’s bad. (puts it back down)

The Pastor: … *sigh* Okay, let’s never see that again.

The Pastor: Uhm, but now that it’s settled, I think we all can finally lay Smosh’s second hottest member to rest. But before I do that, I just wanna say, [insert quick genuine comment about Anthony]...- Oh, sorry. The writers put that in there for me, but I couldn’t come up with a nice thing to say… (shrugs) Sorry.

The Pastor: (turns towards Anthony) But- But seriously though, I feel so fortunate to have become your friend again. And, honestly, I probably would’ve still been working at Chuck E Cheese if it wasn’t for everything that you did for Smosh.

(Anthony is shown listening intently, tearing up a bit)

The Pastor: You are one of the hardest workers, you have such a great eye for content. I’m so proud to be down this path with you… (spreading arms towards Anthony)  I love you…?

(audience is shouting in surprise)

The Pastor: So… Now that it’s been all told, I think there’s just one more thing that’s left to do… *deep sigh* I have to show Anthony my cock.

(Ian starts walking towards Anthony, grabbing himself by the front of his pants)

(suddenly, Anthony sits up with a gasp)

.

The Dead

(Audience screams in shock and Ian stumbles back, as Anthony sits up in his casket. He stretches, yawing, then rubs his eyes)

The Dead: Sorry, got… water in my eyes, because… that was about to come out and it is… onion. Yeah.

(takes out a piece of paper and unfolds it)

The Dead: Good. All good… Woah! Thank you all so much for that! That was the most affordable version of “Undercover Boss” (looks sternly and points at everyone in a sweep, then tapps his ear) I’ve been listening the whole time.

(looks down at the paper)

The Dead: “While it’s honestly been so much fun etc.”

The Dead: First of all I just wanted to say, thank you for recycling the same three jokes, over and over. Um, before we bought Smosh I had a feeling this would happen and I wrote down a few… guesses of what you would talk about. Let’s see how many of those I got right:

The Dead: (reading off the paper) Something about my tattoos, something about my clothes, something about me leaving, something about me being vegan, something about my obsession with yoga, something about my dick piercing, something about my hair…

(the whole audience erupts into questions)

Chanse: Wai-wait, what was the last one?

The Dead: The hair.

Chanse: Before that!

Audience #1: The other one!

Audience #2: We need proof!

(everyone cracks up)

The Dead: Pretty much covers it, right? Uhm… Yeah, I really wrote that beforehand, it’s… crazy.

The Dead: I’m not gonna counter-roast. I’ll let you bask in- in what you just said and feel bad, for what you just said… Yeah.

The Dead: (snaps his fingers) Like (points) Shayne, for example. … You are funnier than Ian and me combined. … That’s like two Ian’s and ten me’s.

The Dead: I won’t talk about how you were once known for a promising TV career… and now you’re known for wearing a T-Shirt with limes on it. …

The Dead: And also I just want to say, I’m grateful for your laugh. You’re the only one that can laugh louder than me, and… you also remind us that Smosh Games was supposed to be funny.

The Dead: …

The Dead: …I’m not done, with you Shayne. I used to forget how to spell- I used to forget what your last name was. Entirely. But then, I remembered that you’re top-heavy, like a sexy dreidel.

The Dead: ... (snaps his fingers) Ian. I have so much to say to you in a second. But first… (points)

The Dead: Arasha. In the past six years that I’ve gotten to know you-

(audience is confused)

The Dead: Sorry, six months! I’ve been stalking you-. It’s been great to see you grow into your own voice at Smosh. But there is something… That I have been made aware of, that I’d like to address, now. Live. You’re in an ad for republican dating app…?

(gasps and yells of shock)

The Dead: …Where you essentially call guy a cuck for wearing a fanny pack?

The Dead: But don’t worry! Don’t worry, okay? I’m happy to let everyone know that we’re fully restructuring the vetoing process here at Smosh! … From now on we’re only hiring republicans. (hyping her up) Keep up the good work! Let’s go Brandon-!

The Dead: Rogers. … Brandon Rogers… is if the Joker bought a ring light. 

The Dead: When I describe our friendship to people, I describe it as … “friends that have done shrooms together” type of friends. Yeah… which means we were either really close or were on some YouTuber party and some YouTuber brought shrooms, and let’s just say - there is a huge difference between 10$ shrooms, and 1 million shrooms. Huge difference…

The Dead: (looks towards audience) That being said, don’t do drugs.

The Dead: But speaking of drugs - Keith.

(everyone bursts out laughing)

Keith: …What?

The Dead: Just want to say… it has been amazing, watching you go through this journey and I’m… so impressed for overcoming and surviving… that wasn’t easy. … Smosh’s 8 Am call times.

Keith: I- I- I get here at 8:15.

The Dead: You will always be an inspiration, and a hero… for being able to coast, for years, by saying Big Dick Bee one time.

Keith: ... *defensive* That’s iconic…

The Dead: Speaking of creatures that I need a flyswatter to fend off, Angela.

The Dead: I wasn’t here when you got hired, but I quickly realised that the word is a better place because you are here…

(some of the audience is cooing)

The Dead: If you were a teacher… kids would think 9/11 just happened. If you were a lifeguard… you would use fallopian tube as a live preserver. If you were a mortician, you would accidentally drink formaldehyde. If we’re keeping you employed, the world is a much better, safer place.

The Dead: But seriously, I’m so happy that you’re in a cast- That- That you were cast.

(Angela rolls her eyes and rolls up her sleeve, patting the cast she has on her left arm)

The Dead: Speaking of formaldehyde… Celsius Energy fan number one, Chanse

The Dead: Chanse, I’m so sorry I came back to Smosh and ruined your one joke, saying “Who’s Anthony?” over and over and over…

The Dead: But seriously, you’re like a little brother to me… (starts pulling out his phone) Which is weird, because you slide into my DMs, all the time?

Chanse: (Nodding proudly) I do.

The Dead: All the time!

Chanse: (shrugs) *smugly* You responded.

(Anthony does an offended face, while everyone is losing their shit)

The Dead: … Like the other day, for example, I post this selfie and you said:

The Dead: WOOF WOOF GRRRRR BARK BARK BARK WOOF WOOF ARF ARF GRRR GRRRRRR RUFF RUFF BARK BARK.

Chanse: (gestures at his neck) And where’s my collar?

The Dead: … Are you proud of that?

(Chanse nods)

The Dead: Speaking of pride, Tommy.

The Dead: Tommy, you are really, really, really special.

The Dead: ...

(people start laughing)

The Dead: That wasn’t the joke!

Audience: Oh, sorry!

The Dead: You’re… on a special list of members at Smosh… on camera, despite not being a cast member at all. (starts pointing at things) You… grey couch… red phone… and Spencer. …

The Dead: But seriously, I love how well you work behind the scenes and in front of the camera, I love that you’re an entertainer, and I love your personal YouTube show, serving… (looks down at the paper) where you serve… C-word…-

The Dead: (looks behind the camera) Am I- am I actually allowed… to say that…? (nods and gives thumbs up, presumably back) Good to go. (turns towards Tommy) Clinical depression.

The Dead: Also I heard you readed your wardrobe and you’re desperately looking for someone to… tell you look good, I hope you find that.

The Dead: Alright… Ian. Listen to what I have to say to Courtney.

The Dead: Courtney, we have known each other for so long, and since coming back to Smosh I was surprised how everyone grew and evolved - you’ve grown into such an independent creator. You directed this whole funeral - round of applause… (starts clapping)

(everyone cheers and claps)

The Dead: …But there are some glaring issues, if you don’t mind.

The Dead: Um, let me just say - the trailer was amazing, no notes. The show? Some notes.

The Dead: First off, I wanted to commend you directing in a bikini. I've heard Steven Spilberg did this on the set of “Jaws”. Right up there.

The Dead: Uhm, and your acting is really great and I’ve seen you have improved over the last years - you acted like you have never heard any of these jokes before, despite being in the all writers rooms.

The Dead: Also (points down), can I just note that this coffin is the most uncomfortable piece of shit I’ve ever sat in… I had to prop myself up this entire time with my… body, because otherwise I’m gonna fall off and break this flimsy piece of shit. 

The Dead: Uhm… I had to prop myself up just like… I have… My number one thing on Smosh is to prop you up. Remind you that you are talented AND funny, can you PLEASE stop doubting yourself?! … Can’t you just do it yourself? 

The Dead: Like, I have a lot important things to do- I have more important things to do… Like bouncing off this fucking ledge. I’m serious, my- my… dick has fallen asleep. … And I don’t know if it’s the coffin, or if the show is just boring for my dick, which… Which is weird because my dick is usually very engaged.

The Dead: But I should- I should give you some slack though, directing is a very tall order…

The Dead: Amanda.

The Dead: You are the warm hug of Smosh. And I mean that. When I hug- when I hugged you earlier it was very warm, did you piss yourself?

Amanda: … Yes. I didn’t have time to go-

The Dead: It is so warm!

Amanda: Yeah. I’m sorry about that.

The Dead: You have such energy it’s hard to put into words… but I will try.

The Dead: You’re like if… Jessica Rabbit drove a minivan…

Amanda: …Oh my God, I love that!

The Dead: You’re like, if Betty Boop listened to true- true crime podcasts…

Amanda: *clap* I fucking love it..!

The Dead: You’re like if Marge Simpson was Marge Simpson.

(Amanda is shown scrunching her nose in disgust)

Amanda: Ew…

The Dead: Speaking of questionable parents that keep eating disgusting shit all the time, Rhett and Link.

The Dead: When I was gone it was so comforting that Smosh was in hands of such capable leadership, and if you guys (?) that would be great. You saw Smosh through its most difficult days and you kept it Smosh alive so I could join up after I’ve done some growing myself.

The Dead: You’re like Smosh’s divorced parents, and… you should keep the kids, and by that I mean (points) Chanse. (shoos him away) Go on, go on! You can visit on weekends, you can call Link daddy now. Be careful! Watch out, he DMs!

The Dead: Which brings me to the man of the hour… Ian.

The Dead: One thing I know abou Ian is, he may have some problems showing emotions, and…

(Ian stares directly into a camera like in The Office)

The Dead: …And since I’ve known him for 24 years, I’ve learned that he just has a unique way of conveying them. I’ll explain it to all of you

The Dead: If Ian’s nervous… he hides it by subtly burping mid sentence. And it works! Nobody thinks he’s insecure, just that he’s disgusting!

The Dead: (turns towards the camera) Why don’t you ever cut it out by the way, “Oh, the video is too long-” Just cut. Out. All the burps!

The Dead: If he’s trying to impress someone… he’ll lie. 

Ian: Wha-?

The Dead: Okay, so fans may recall that in 7th grade-

(Ian rolls his eyes and throws his hands up)

The Dead: -I’ve told him that I’ve kissed a girl - and yes, this is coming up again - I kissed a girl, and Ian goes “Oh, I kissed a girl too! She goes to another school”... And also you may remember that, his first kiss was in my bedroom… while I was kissing my girlfriend-

The Dead: Don’t worry though, I did not look! I was busy. But I did hear some sounds, mostly asking her if he could kiss her-

(Ian is shown pinching his nose in exasperation)

The Dead: And don’t worry, Ian is a consent King! I heard every 3 seconds - can I still kiss you? Can I still kiss you? Are sure you wanna- *burps* -still kiss me?

The Dead: Another tell is when Ian wants to confront you, he’ll sneak around you. When we’re in highschool I found out he was hanging out with these two girls, at the mall, and he didn’t invite me-

(Ian facepalms)

The Dead: -Which is weird, because we used to hang out every single day. And when I confronted him, he said “every time you hang out with girls you date them”.

(Ian throws his hands up)

Ian: …True!

The Dead: But Ian… you should have invited me, I would have protected you. These girls made you buy skinny jeans that day… and I would’ve never done something so terrible. Skinny jeans were my thing back then, and 20 years after that.

The Dead: If Ian is lonely…- Ian is lonely if he third wheels with me and my girlfriend, and you can tell that Ian has a girlfriend… when he’s gone entirely. Yeah.

The Dead: But also… (pulls out his phone) when you got him you gotta lock him in, okay? You gotta lock him in because it’s really hard when you flirt with Ian. Here’s my impression of Ian flirting:

The Dead: Have you seen this? Have you seen this? (holds up his phone next to him with sad face, staring blankly forward)

(Sad violin starts playing loudly, as a guy says that “this is what people on Titanic might have sounded like.” Then the video plays sounds of people screaming in panic, with the sad violin still playing. This goes on for about 20 seconds)

Ian: Works, every time!

The Dead: (turns off the video) …It does.

The Dead: But for real, thank you, thank you, thank you so much. I really appreciate you welcoming- welcoming me back to Smosh, and I’m really proud of every single person here at Smosh, every person that's ever touched the show. Everyone that made this happen, turned this into the biggest event in Smosh history.

The Dead: I really appreciate all you, for showing me love, by roasting and berating me, I really appreciate it. 

The Dead: And, um… I’m just so grateful for you.

The Dead: Ian said when we bought back Smosh, “If we burn it to the ground, I’m happy to do that with you”...

The Dead: And after tonight… sounds pretty good, I’m gonna burn this place down.

The Dead: (points towards the corridor) You got- you all got five minutes to get the fuck out.

.

The End.

.

[abstrusearchive]

Anthony is Dead: The Funeral Roast - Anthony Padilla AKA The Dead

Whole | Previous

.

(Audience screams in shock and Ian stumbles back, as Anthony sits up in his casket. He stretches, yawing, then rubs his eyes)

The Dead: Sorry, got… water in my eyes, because… that was about to come out and it is… onion. Yeah.

(takes out a piece of paper and unfolds it)

The Dead: Good. All good… Woah! Thank you all so much for that! That was the most affordable version of “Undercover Boss” (looks sternly and points at everyone in a sweep, then tapps his ear) I’ve been listening the whole time.

(looks down at the paper)

The Dead: “While it’s honestly been so much fun etc.”

The Dead: First of all I just wanted to say, thank you for recycling the same three jokes, over and over. Um, before we bought Smosh I had a feeling this would happen and I wrote down a few… guesses of what you would talk about. Let’s see how many of those I got right:

The Dead: (reading off the paper) Something about my tattoos, something about my clothes, something about me leaving, something about me being vegan, something about my obsession with yoga, something about my dick piercing, something about my hair…

(the whole audience erupts into questions)

Chanse: Wai-wait, what was the last one?

The Dead: The hair.

Chanse: Before that!

Audience #1: The other one!

Audience #2: We need proof!

(everyone cracks up)

The Dead: Pretty much covers it, right? Uhm… Yeah, I really wrote that beforehand, it’s… crazy.

The Dead: I’m not gonna counter-roast. I’ll let you bask in- in what you just said and feel bad, for what you just said… Yeah.

The Dead: (snaps his fingers) Like (points) Shayne, for example. … You are funnier than Ian and me combined. … That’s like two Ian’s and ten me’s.

The Dead: I won’t talk about how you were once known for a promising TV career… and now you’re known for wearing a T-Shirt with limes on it. …

The Dead: And also I just want to say, I’m grateful for your laugh. You’re the only one that can laugh louder than me, and… you also remind us that Smosh Games was supposed to be funny.

The Dead: …

The Dead: …I’m not done, with you Shayne. I used to forget how to spell- I used to forget what your last name was. Entirely. But then, I remembered that you’re top-heavy, like a sexy dreidel.

The Dead: ... (snaps his fingers) Ian. I have so much to say to you in a second. But first… (points)

The Dead: Arasha. In the past six years that I’ve gotten to know you-

(audience is confused)

The Dead: Sorry, six months! I’ve been stalking you. It’s been great to see you grow into your own voice at Smosh. But there is something… That I have been made aware of, that I’d like to address, now. Live. You’re in an ad for republican dating app…?

(gasps and yells of shock)

The Dead: …Where you essentially call guy a cuck for wearing a fanny pack?

The Dead: But don’t worry! Don’t worry, okay? I’m happy to let everyone know that we’re fully restructuring the vetoing process here at Smosh! … From now on we’re only hiring republicans. (hyping her up) Keep up the good work! Let’s go Brandon-!

The Dead: Rogers. … Brandon Rogers… is if the Joker bought a ring light. 

The Dead: When I describe our friendship to people, I describe it as … “friends that have done shrooms together” type of friends. Yeah… which means we were either really close or were on some YouTuber party and some YouTuber brought shrooms, and let’s just say - there is a huge difference between 10$ shrooms, and 1 million shrooms. Huge difference…

The Dead: (looks towards audience) That being said, don’t do drugs.

The Dead: But speaking of drugs - Keith.

(everyone bursts out laughing)

Keith: …What?

The Dead: Just want to say… it has been amazing, watching you go through this journey and I’m… so impressed for overcoming and surviving… that wasn’t easy. … Smosh’s 8 Am call times.

Keith: I- I- I get here at 8:15.

The Dead: You will always be an inspiration, and a hero… for being able to coast, for years, by saying Big Dick Bee one time.

Keith: ... That’s iconic…

The Dead: Speaking of creatures that I need a flyswatter to fend off, Angela.

The Dead: I wasn’t here when you got hired, but I quickly realised that the word is a better place because you are here…

(some of the audience is cooing)

The Dead: If you were a teacher… kids would think 9/11 just happened. If you were a lifeguard… you would use fallopian tube as a live preserver. If you were a mortician, you would accidentally drink formaldehyde. If we’re keeping you employed, the world is a much better, safer place.

The Dead: But seriously, I’m so happy that you’re in a cast- That- That you were cast.

(Angela rolls her eyes and rolls up her sleeve, patting the cast she has on her left arm)

The Dead: Speaking of formaldehyde… Celsius Energy fan number one, Chanse

The Dead: Chanse, I’m so sorry I came back to Smosh and ruined your one joke, saying “Who’s Anthony?” over and over and over…

The Dead: But seriously, you’re like a little brother to me… (starts pulling out his phone) Which is weird, because you slide into my DMs, all the time?

Chanse: (Nodding proudly) I do.

The Dead: All the time!

Chanse: (shrugs) *smugly* You responded.

(Anthony does an offended face, while everyone is losing their shit)

The Dead: … Like the other day, for example, I post this selfie and you said:

The Dead: WOOF WOOF GRRRRR BARK BARK BARK WOOF WOOF ARF ARF GRRR GRRRRRR RUFF RUFF BARK BARK.

Chanse: (gestures at his neck) And where’s my collar?

The Dead: … Are you proud of that?

(Chanse nods)

The Dead: Speaking of pride, Tommy.

The Dead: Tommy, you are really, really, really special.

The Dead: ...

(people start laughing)

The Dead: That wasn’t the joke!

Audience: Oh, sorry!

The Dead: You’re… on a special list of members at Smosh… on camera, despite not being a cast member at all. (starts pointing at things) You… grey couch… red phone… and Spencer. …

The Dead: But seriously, I love how well you work behind the scenes and in front of the camera, I love that you’re an entertainer, and I love your personal YouTube show, serving… (looks down at the paper) where you serve… C-word…-

The Dead: (looks behind the camera) Am I- am I actually allowed… to say that…? (gives thumbs up) Good to go. (turns towards Tommy) Clinical depression.

The Dead: Also I heard you readed your wardrobe and you’re desperately looking for someone to… tell you look good, I hope you find that.

The Dead: Alright… Ian. Listen to what I have to say to Courtney.

The Dead: Courtney, we have known each other for so long, and since coming back to Smosh I was surprised how everyone grew and evolved - you’ve grown into such an independent creator. You directed this whole funeral - round of applause… (starts clapping)

(everyone cheers and claps)

The Dead: …But there are some glaring issues, if you don’t mind.

The Dead: Um, let me just say - the trailer was amazing, no notes. The show? Some notes.

The Dead: First off, I wanted to commend you directing in a bikini. I've heard Steven Spilberg did this on the set of “Jaws”. Right up there.

The Dead: Uhm, and your acting is really great and I’ve seen you have improved over the last years - you acted like you have never heard any of these jokes before, despite being in the all writers rooms.

The Dead: Also (points down), can I just note that this coffin is the most uncomfortable piece of shit I’ve ever sat in… I had to prop myself up this entire time with my… body, because otherwise I’m gonna fall off and break this flimsy piece of shit. 

The Dead: Uhm… I had to prop myself up just like… I have… My number one thing on Smosh is to prop you up. Remind you that you are talented AND funny, can you PLEASE stop doubting yourself?! … Can’t you just do it yourself? 

The Dead: Like, I have a lot important things to do- I have more important things to do… Like bouncing off this fucking ledge. I’m serious, my- my… dick has fallen asleep. … And I don’t know if it’s the coffin, or if the show is just boring for my dick, which… Which is weird because my dick is usually very engaged.

The Dead: But I should- I should give you some slack though, directing is a very tall order…

The Dead: Amanda.

The Dead: You are the warm hug of Smosh. And I mean that. When I hug- when I hugged you earlier it was very warm, did you piss yourself?

Amanda: … Yes. I didn’t have time to go-

The Dead: It is so warm!

Amanda: Yeah. I’m sorry about that.

The Dead: You have such energy it’s hard to put into words… but I will try.

The Dead: You’re like if… Jessica Rabbit drove a minivan…

Amanda: …Oh my God, I love that!

The Dead: You’re like, if Betty Boop listened to true- true crime podcasts…

Amanda: *clap* I fucking love it..!

The Dead: You’re like if Marge Simpson was Marge Simpson.

(Amanda is shown scrunching her nose in disgust)

Amanda: Ew…

The Dead: Speaking of questionable parents that keep eating disgusting shit all the time, Rhett and Link.

The Dead: When I was gone it was so comforting that Smosh was in hands of such capable leadership, and if you guys (?) that would be great. You saw Smosh through its most difficult days and you kept it Smosh alive so I could join up after I’ve done some growing myself.

The Dead: You’re like Smosh’s divorced parents, and… you should keep the kids, and by that I mean (points) Chanse. (shoos him away) Go on, go on! You can visit on weekends, you can call Link daddy now. Be careful! Watch out, he DMs!

The Dead: Which brings me to the man of the hour… Ian.

The Dead: One thing I know abou Ian is, he may have some problems showing emotions, and…

(Ian stares directly into a camera like in The Office)

The Dead: …And since I’ve known him for 24 years, I’ve learned that he just has a unique way of conveying them. I’ll explain it to all of you

The Dead: If Ian’s nervous… he hides it by subtly burping mid sentence. And it works! Nobody thinks he’s insecure, just that he’s disgusting!

The Dead: (looks towards the audience) Why don’t you ever cut it out by the way, “Oh, the video is too long-” Just cut. Out. All the burps! … Thank you.

The Dead: If he’s trying to impress someone… he’ll lie. 

Ian: Wha-?

The Dead: Okay, so fans may recall that in 7th grade-

(Ian rolls his eyes and throws his hands up)

The Dead: -I’ve told him that I’ve kissed a girl - and yes, this is coming up again - I kissed a girl, and Ian goes “Oh, I kissed a girl too! She goes to another school”... And also you may remember that, his first kiss was in my bedroom… while I was kissing my girlfriend … Don’t worry though, I did not look! I was busy. But I did hear some sounds, mostly asking her if he could kiss her-

(Ian is shown pinching his nose in exasperation)

The Dead: And don’t worry, Ian is a consent King! I heard every 3 seconds - can I still kiss you? Can I still kiss you? Are sure you wanna- *burps* -still kiss me?

The Dead: Another tell is when Ian wants to confront you, he’ll sneak around you. When we’re in highschool I found out he was hanging out with these two girls, at the mall, and he didn’t invite me-

(Ian facepalm)

The Dead: -Which is weird, because we used to hang out every single day. And when I confronted him, he said “every time you hang out with girls you date them”.

(Ian throws his hands up)

Ian: …True!

The Dead: But Ian… you should have invited me, I would have protected you. These girls made you buy skinny jeans that day… and I would’ve never done something so terrible. Skinny jeans were my thing back then, and 20 years after that.

The Dead: If Ian is lonely…- Ian is lonely if he third wheels with me and my girlfriend, and you can tell that Ian has a girlfriend… when he’s gone entirely. Yeah.

The Dead: But also… (pulls out his phone) when you got him you gotta lock him in, okay? You gotta lock him in because it’s really hard when you flirt with Ian. Here’s my impression of Ian flirting:

The Dead: Have you seen this? Have you seen this? (holds up his phone next to him with sad face)

(Sad violin starts playing, as a guy says that “this is what people on Titanic might have sounded like.”, then plays sounds of people screaming in panic. This goes on for 20 seconds)

Ian: Works, every time!

The Dead: (turns off the video) …It does.

The Dead: But for real, thank you, thank you, thank you so much. I really appreciate you welcoming- welcoming me back to Smosh, and I’m really proud of every single person here at Smosh, every person that's ever touched the show. Everyone that made this happen, turned this into the biggest event in Smosh history.

The Dead: I really appreciate all you, for showing me love, by roasting and berating me, I really appreciate it. 

The Dead: And, um… I’m just so grateful for you.

The Dead: Ian said when we bought back Smosh, “If we burn it to the ground, I’m happy to do that with you”...

The Dead: And after tonight… sounds pretty good, I’m gonna burn this place down.

The Dead: (points towards the hallway) You got- you all got five minutes to get the FUCK out.

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The End.

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Anthony is Dead: The Funeral Roast - Angela Giarratana AKA The Vessel

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(Angela walks up to the podium)

The Vessel: Hey everybody! It’s, um Angela. Sorry, I’m just not feeling so well-

(Her eyes start rolling, she starts gasping and grunting as a much raspier voice speaks through her)

The Vessel: It’s me! The Vessel!I’m your daddy and I’m gonna eat your ass family style! Agh!

The Vessel: Oh guys, sorry that was weird-

The Vessel: It’s me, The Chat! Taking over to roast Anthony’s itty-bitty assy! These are directly submitted by you guys, the fans! *verbally keysmashes*

The Vessel: Ugh! Let’s begin the roast, okay?! Yeah!

The Vessel: You all submitted over 6 thousands roasts; there are just some of them- JK, just the good ones! *gibberish*

The Vessel: /105punkroad said: “Anthony is so vegan that he can’t even eat pussy” *laughs maniacally*

The Vessel: /Amy wrote: “Anthony looks like if a 5 year old drew her imaginary boyfriend” Uggh! These are fucking good!

The Vessel: /Brett wrote: “Anthony is like if a Skunk became a real boy.”

The Vessel: /ClaireVamp wrote: “Anthony is the first straight man to experience twink death.”

The Vessel: /Darwin wrote: “Anthony looks like he goes “where’s my hug at?” to people” Agh! That was a good one!

The Vessel: /MJPXD - sick nick by the way - wrote: “Anthony Padilla: died by… chickwin. … Joulkink. … Chelkin?

Ian: Jelqing!

The Vessel: I don’t know what that word is! *verbal keysmash* Fuck!

The Vessel: /PageAshlyn wrote: “The lines on Anthony’s body are the failed attempts to find the clit.”

The Vessel: /Cecile(?) wrote: “We all know Josh can find the citorys-! (looks back down) …huh? … That’s what it read. Nevermind-

The Vessel: /CD4999 wrote: “Anthony is like if you took an image of every Johnas Brothers, compressed it into one and then made it into a JPEG, sounds like it too” *verbal keysmash*

The Vessel: /QR(?) wrote: “You might be wondering why it’s never Anthony and Ian - it’s actually because Ian always comes first” Oh! This is some good shit!

(Both Anthony and Ian are shown facepalming)

The Vessel: /Jenna wrote: “Hey Anthony, are you Keith’s cancer? Because I’m sure as fuck happy you’re gone” Aagh! That one hurt even for me!

The Vessel: /CJ wrote: “Smosh is (?) for mentally ill” That one hurt to say, CJ.

The Vessel: /(?) wrote: “Arasha loves the Bollywood movie “3 Idiots”. Funny enough, that's the equivalent of brain cells she has.”

(audience boos, shaking their heads in disappointment)

The Vessel: … It was more of a comment than a joke, my guy. Ughh…

The Vessel: /swagmoneypugs wrote: “The Chosen has baby nipples” *chortles*

(camera shows everyone turning towards Shayne to look at his chest and many of them comments that it’s true; he looks down with a sad face)

The Vessel: /anonymous wrote: “Ian is like if Chanse was gay”

(everyone is shown to be confused)

(Amanda gasps suddenly)

The Vessel: (deep breath) Oh! Thank God I didn’t have to say anything mean-!

(she starts gasping again)

The Vessel: When Anthony laughs, it kinda sounds like this: *fake-sounding laugh* It sounds like a dolphin on a first date, ugh-! Just kidding! That was me, I just did it in the voice.

(The Vessel walks down the podium and The Pastor replaces her on it)

The Pastor: Alright, *clap* let’s give it up to The Vessel (claps) … Wow. Frickin’... a lot of-... a lot of vagina jokes… which is fine.

The Pastor: Also, let’s give it up one more time for Shayne. (claps)

The Pastor: You know, both Shayne’s father and grandfather were pilots in the military, which explains why Shayne is able to go under the radar of Hollywood for so long.

(Shayne is shown covering his face as if in shame)

The Pastor: Well folks, we are nearing the end of this live and look! We didn’t have to make a single cringy-ass life video!

The Pastor: You see, Anthony made two of them - because after the first one, he had notes.

The Pastor: However… There was one more secret that was kept this entire time, and I think it’s about time for this secret to be uncovered. (to the audience) Are you guys ready for this? Are you ready?

(Everyone nods in confirmation)

The Pastor: …The secret is, that I was the hot one!

The Pastor: (in goofy excederated voice) Yeaah! That’s right! It was me! You don’t believe me?! You want proof?!! Okay! You’ll get proof! (pulls out a framed picture) This is Anthony as a baby!

(audience screams in shock)

The Pastor: That’s right! THAT (points at picture) is actually Anthony! This ice climber with frostbite was Anthony! This is The Hot One?! I don’t think so! What, was his mother’s womb full of bees?!

The Pastor: I mean, he’s got the- he’s got the hairline of a 50 year old construction worker! After I saw this photo, I had to google if Benjamin Button disease was a real thing! I… It looks like he’s cringing it- all the cringe content that he’s about to create! (puts the picture down) But really…- (picks it back up) I’ll just show it one more time, Jesus Christ. That’s- that’s bad. (puts it back down)

The Pastor: … *sigh* Okay, let’s never see that again.

The Pastor: Uhm, but now that it’s settled, I think we all can finally lay Smosh’s second hottest member to rest. But before I do that, I just wanna say, [insert quick genuine comment about Anthony]...- Oh, sorry. The writers put that in there for me, but I couldn’t come up with a nice thing to say… (shrugs) Sorry.

The Pastor: (turns towards Anthony) But- But seriously though, I feel so fortunate to have become your friend again. And, honestly, I probably would’ve still been working at Chuck E Cheese if it wasn’t for everything that you did for Smosh.

(Anthony is shown listening intently, tearing up a bit)

The Pastor: You are one of the hardest workers, you have such a great eye for content. I’m so proud to be down this path with you… (spreading arms towards Anthony)  I love you…?

(audience is shouting in surprise)

The Pastor: So… Now that it’s been all told, I think there’s just one more thing that’s left to do… *deep sigh* I have to show Anthony my cock.

(Ian starts walking towards Anthony, grabbing himself by the front of his pants)

(suddenly, Anthony sits up with a gasp)

To Be Continued…

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Anthony is Dead: The Funeral Roast - Shayne Topp AKA The Chosen

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(The Chosen walks up to the podium, stands with his back to the audience, then looks over his shoulder all badass. He then turns back completely, leaning with his hands on the podium)

The Chosen: Greetings. I am the Chosen.

The Chosen: You’re probably wondering why I look so badass right now… It’s because we’re on a cusp of the greatest battle in the entire history of the whole universe… And also I got queso on my three-wolves-moon shirt… And I fell off my razor scooter on the way here.

The Chosen: Laying before us (turns towards Anthony) is the greatest adversary, in all of human history. (turns back)

The Chosen: The final boss: Anthony Padilla.

The Chosen: *deep sigh* If he reawakens… the world will be thrown into a freaking. Hellscape.

The Chosen: Tragically, it wasn’t always meant this way… 

The Chosen: In fact, believe it or not… Anthony was once… The Greatest Chosen to ever exist.

(audience gasps)

The Chosen: His tale begins eons ago, the year 2005. Merely 4 years after 9/11, Anthony’s powers were… undeniable.

The Chosen: He created Smosh entirely by himself. And he was a Master of Coding - which is code for being able to use code.

The Chosen: Despite this, The Chosen Council was sceptical. You see, Anthony didn’t look like your typical Chosen. His appearance could be only described as… (glances at Anthony) Magician with allegations… Or if Pete Wentz was white.

The Chosen: Despite my protests, The Chosen Council denied him. So, Anthony had to carve his own path. He left Smosh, and after making some of the worst content known to men… he decide to spend a day with every kind of person, absorbing their powers.

The Chosen: Artists, scientists, survivors, satanists, furries and… Dream.

The Chosen: He truly spent a day with every kind of person besides an acting coach.

The Chosen: When he returned to Smosh, his powers were so great he had gained power to alter environments - like how he completely erased the entire cast from the main Smosh channel. But these powers proved to be too tempting…

The Chosen: Anthony began to stray from the light - he stopped gaming, and began to cover his body in stupid tattoos that, unlike mine, do not come off in two to three washes.

The Chosen: Worst of all… Anthony Padilla… had sex!

(audience gasps)

The Chosen: (progressively louder and angrier) He broke the sacred No-Fap Rule of The Chosen! With every excruciating nut, his personality became more cringe! With every devastating bust, his content became more like Jubilee!! He comet his entire purpose away!!!

The Chosen: Until he became (turns towards Anthony) Calamity Chosen!

The Chosen: And no matter what I did I couldn’t stop him! (turns towards Anthony)

The Chosen: You were The Chosen one! It was you who’d bring the balance to Smosh, not leave it in darkness! You were my brother, Anthony! I loved you!

The Chosen: *sigh* (turns his back towards the audience) I couldn’t save him… I failed us. (turns back)

The Chosen: And now, on this very night… Calamity Chosen will return.

(starts humming repeatedly “pa” to the Avengers credits music cadence)

…

The Chosen: In order to defeat him… it will require every Chosen in the known multiverse, including The Chosens in this very room who’ve been lying dormant, awaiting for this very moment. Prepare now, to be Chosen!

The Chosen: Brandon Rogers… is Chosen. His ability to hold time is impressive. His YouTube channel has stayed in 2015 for 8 years.

The Chosen: Courtney Miller is Chosen! It’s fascinating to witness what a middle schooler would be like at 28 years old.

The Chosen: Arasha is NOT Chosen. She is more of a ChoseMe.

The Chosen: Tommy! Tommy is Chosen. Because being gay is a choice.

(general sounds of disagreement)

The Chosen: Just-! Just kidding. Being gay is not a choice… but being depressed is.

The Chosen: Angela… is Italian.

The Chosen: Amanda is not Chosen, because she looks like shit, smells like shit, and is overall a massive piece of shit.

(Amanda is shown flipping him off with both hands while laughing)

Amanda: Fuck you…

The Chosen: Ian… Anthony’s sidekick.

The Chosen: Believe it or not, you are Chosen. The plot of Five Nights At Freddys is actually based on Ian’s experiences at Chuck E Cheese. Just ask Matpat who’s here- (starts frantically looking around) Is he not here-? Oh shit, Matpat was supposed to be here. Oh, we’re fucked-!

The Chosen: No we’re not. Okay! Chosens, we’ve got this!

(takes out a katana from scabbard on his back)

The Chosen: The battle against Anthony will be fierce! But if we stand together we can defeat him! And once we do, we will dine (raises the fist with a katana into the air) at Chillies!!!

(Shayne walks down from the podium, surrounded by ovations. His place takes up The Vessel)

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Anthony is Dead: The Funeral Roast - Special Guest: Rhett & Link

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(Rhett and Link slowly walk up to the podium, as The Bikini Girl skips back to her seat)

The Bikini Girl: (waving over her shoulder) Hi daddies!

Both: (eyes trailing her) Hi…

Rhett: We object and I am holding my penis.

Link: Sorry we didn’t dress to the occasion, we know that we aren’t guests that… you wanted to invite.

Rhett: Definitely not the first choice. 

Link: Uh, yeah. Ian’s Mom didn’t wanna come, she has a “girlfriend experience” scetchuled for her top OnlyFans payer.

Rhett: She also said that five minutes were not enough time to say all the things she wanted to say about the emaciated cuck of a son.

Link: We don’t know why you guys just didn’t invite some cancelled YouTubers that appeared on the Smosh channels over the years. Isn’t that a pattern? A YouTuber comes over, they get cancelled? Why can’t you just forgive them the way fans forgive Shaynes new show?

Rhett: *ekhm* Or did they not…

Rhett: You know, it’s honestly hard to come up with something bad to say about (gestures with both hands) this guy, like. Anthony Padilla is just a genuinely good guy, right? But, you know, now that he’s passed I think this is a perfect opportunity for us to reveal the real story of what happened when Ian and Anthony came to us wanting to buy Smosh back, okay?

Rhett: So there’s a story in the press that makes everybody look good, and then there’s the truth. And it didn’t start when we bought Smosh, or when we sold Smosh- It started the day that We Bought Smosh.

Link: You’re right. And from the beginning we were always like, yeah, it would be great if Anthony came back, we’re open to it! But the moment we brought it up with Ian he said, and I quote: “FUCK THAT GUY!!”

Link: “HE’S OVER THERE FUCKING- SPENDING DAYS WITH PEOPLE!! AND THAT MOTHERFUCKER ISN’T ACTUALLY SPENDING A DAY WITH PEOPLE, HE’S SPENDING HOURS WITH PEOPLE!!! HE’S SUCH A FUCKING LIAR!!! I HATE THAT BEAUTIFUL, BEAUTIFUL, BEAUTIFUL MAN!!!

Link: That’s what he said.

Rhett: (nodding) Yeah, I remember that. I was there.

Rhett: But over time Ian had a change of heart, he came to us and said “I feel like I need to rekindle my friendship with Anthony before I’m older than Rotten Tomatoes audience score for Smosh: The Movie”

Rhett: (looks into the camera) And if you’re at home taking shots every time somebody makes a joke about Smosh: The Movie, take your third shot.

Link: So then one day Ian and Anthony together showed up at our office to say (turns towards Rhett) they wanted to buy Smosh back…?

Rhett: (nodding) Mhm

Link: …from us.

Rhett: Yup.

Link: And in order to tell you exactly how that went, um… let’s roleplay.

(Link rips his shirt open)

(Rhett pulls out a Sharpie and starts to draw over his chest and arms)

Link: Hands, get the hands… and there (points at his neck and shows it to Rhett)

Rhett: I’ve never seen the back… (starts to smear all over Links chest)

Link: (flinches back) Hey- don’t get the nipple!

Rhett: Alright! (claps) I’ll be Anthony.

Link: …

(Link starts to put his shirt back)

Link: Ugh, whatever…

Courtney: They’re making you put it back on-?!

(Link continues to, slowly, put his shirt back on)

Link: Hold on! I-I’ll be us…

Rhett: Yeah, sure. This is exactly how it went down, okay?

(Rhett stands in front of Link, arms linked and head down)

Rhett: …

Rhett: (In baby voice) Can we pwease have it back? Can we pwease have it back, can we-can we pwease? I mean… We sold it fow fwee, can we get it back fow fwee?

Link: Anthony, it’s… We can’t just sell it for free, I mean… there’s still some value associated with it. I mean the main channel still has 36 million subscribers, and 1.5 of them- still watch, occasionally.

Rhett: And that’s when Anthony said:

(Rhett starts to exaggeratedly hyperventilate and clench his hands) 

Rhett: I’ll do anything man, listen- (leans really close to Link) I’ll show you my secret for making my interviews not interesting…

Rhett: (rears back and starts waving his hands around) Oh, no no no, I got it-! I got it-! I got it-! 

Link: Yeah…?

Rhett: I’ll keep making the same shitty content that Ian has been making without me…

Rhett: Oh, no no no, I got it-! I got it-! I got it - I’ll give you 10 plain black T-shirt that’s like 7000$...

Rhett: Or, no no no, I’ll spend a day… (leans in really close to Link) with your wifes. 

Link: He- he did say that.

Rhett: Oh, no no no, I, uhm, I, uh, I- I’LL TEACH YOU GUYS HOW TO SUCK YOUR OWN DICK!!! WHY DO YOU THINK I STARTED TO DO ALL THAT YOGA?! TO SUCK MY OWN DICK! AND NOW I CAN- I CAN SHARE MY KNOWLEDGE WITH YOU GUYS!! I CAN TEACH YOU HOW TO SUCK MY- YOUR OWN DICK!!!

Link: And I’ve said: Heh, you’ve got a deal!

Link: Ian was ecstatic, but he had three requirements for the deal to go trough:

Link: Uh, he wanted to ensure that he would continue to only give at most 30% effort, at any moment.

Link: Um, he also wanted to keep parking his Porsche next to his editors Honda Civics…?

(Ian is shown nodding along, mouthing “yeah” several times)

Link: And he really wanted to make sure that he could still drink breast milk from a hydro flask at every single… meeting…?

Rhett: Yeah. And we denied all these requests but he caved really quickly. The deal went trough, we added a clause to the agreement though and that was:

Rhett: In case of Anthony’s death, Smosh reverts to us. (spreads arms) So you’re looking at your new owners again!

(Ian is shown acting distraught at this)

Link: Of course we’re too busy to be involved at day-to-day level so we’ll bring a new CEO, he’s great. He’s from the company… (snaps to remember) What’s it called again?

Both: (pointing at each other) Oh! Defy Media!

Link: Dustin Diamond?

(they proceed to walk down towards the audience seats, not saying anything else. Their place takes The Chosen)

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Anthony is Dead: The Funeral Roast - Courtney Miller AKA The Bikini Girl

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(Cortney struts up to the podium, ostentatiously shaking her butt, then pulls out a note from her bra)

The Bikini Girl: (in high-pitched, overly sweet tone) Ooh! Huh… warm… 

The Bikini Girl: Hah… Hello people wearing clothing!

The Bikini Girl: Today, Bikini Girl, the barely clothed lady that Ian and Anthony put in every video from 2009 to 2015, and, for some reason, present day!

The Bikini Girl: I am honored to be speaking at the funeral of Anthony Penis. I’m honestly honoured to be speaking at all! Usually I’m only allowed one line, and one puke. Get you a girl who can do both two things one time! (does a peace sign)

The Bikini Girl: I am so, so sad Anthony is dead… *exaggerated anime-like fake crying* Wah! Oh, wah! Wah…

The Bikini Girl: He and Ian always reminded me of my boobs… because there’s two of them! And one of them refuses to go to therapy! Plus seeing only one is unsettling and shockingly sterilizing…

The Bikini Girl: Um, you know, uh… *high pitched chuckle* Sorry, not used to talking for so long

The Bikini Girl: Actually, you all remind me of boobies, hihi!

The Bikini Girl: One that’s so perky it’s honestly alarming - that’s Arasha! One that is firmed up from being overused and overworked - that’s Shayne! One that always pops out at 3 am at WeHo - that’s Chanse! 

The Bikini Girl: One that when you squeeze it, it feels like it’s squeezing you back… that’s Amanda! Hihi, uhuh!

The Bikini Girl: One that if you breathe near it, it will go “Oh my gosh! That is literally the smartest thing you've ever said!” - that’s Angela! One boob that knows how to edit, but is just a cunt - that’s Tommy!

The Bikini Girl: I know two that- that are hairy and old, those are testicles and these are Rhett and Link!

The Bikini Girl: One boob that is definitely listening right now, that’s Keith!

(Keith is shown, visibly not listening)

Keith: Wha-what did you just say?

The Bikini Girl: One boob that you see at middle school and makes you think, “Am I Gay?” - that’s Brendon.

The Bikini Girl: I loved working at Smosh. My job was bikini. Just bikini. My day rate was 200$, and as a tip I could make men act uncomfortably for 12 hours.

The Bikini Girl: And, uh, you know (spreads arms) many other women had played role of Bikini Girl, which reserved me roles that were more respectable for women, like “Ugly Pikachu” and “Women on date with Ian”

The Bikini Girl: Not to tooth my own thumb but I was a star! A big star, uhuh! Thumbnails are so important, why else would you click on the video, because it’s funny? No! (starts laughing at high pitch and jumping up, making her boobs jiggle)

The Bikini Girl: I was even in the video “Slow-mo Bikini Girl - Behind the scenes”. It has a behind-the-scenes clip where Ian and Anthony spray me with a hose in their front yard and call it “pervo vision”. Ian looks to the camera and says “It’s wish fulfillment kids - this is why you become a writer”. Such an awesome thing to say!

The Bikini Girl: They got 14- oh, oop- they got 4.9 million views, and I got hypothermia! *in a whiny sad tone* I couldn’t use their towels ‘cause they were too crusty…

The Bikini Girl: Anthony, Ian! Are you shaking in your boobs right now? Okay…

The Bikini Girl: But give them a break, they were boys when they wrote those sketches. And they still are.

The Bikini Girl: But- oop, sorry, not these words- hello, hi… Oooh, that’s a new letter, that’s fun… 

The Bikini Girl: Oh, yes! They are still boys. Boys will be boys, girls will be girls, and please- oop, oh God! So many words!

The Bikini Girl: Boys will be boys, girls will be girls, and women will be two scawy, aah! Women awe scawy, cause it’s Bikini Girl, remember? Bikini. Girl. To clarify, not Bikini Woman, it's an important distinction. Girl. I’m a girl. In a bikini. You put a girl in a bikini- that’s how you wrote it! 

The Bikini Girl: No Bikini Woman, because Bikini Women awe so scawy! women awe so scawy, ugh! What’s under your blouse, two perfectly round guns?! OOh!!

The Bikini Girl: Don’t worry, Ian and Anthony had grown so much since then. They’re self-aware now, and how problematic it is, and they’ll do it anyway!

The Bikini Girl: Um, I love you both. But, if you want me to come back it will be on my terms. Okay? And those terms are:

The Bikini Girl: Let a woman into the writers room, literally any woman.

The Bikini Girl: Also, let the writers room be a jacuzzi, yay! (starts squealing and jumping up)

The Bikini Girl: If anyone objects to these terms, speak now or forever hold your penis!

???: We object!

(Camera cuts towards the corridor that Brandon walked through, revealing two people standing in it)

To be continued…

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Anthony is Dead: The Funeral Roast - Special Guest: Dan & Phil

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(Music abruptly cuts off to Keith running onto the stage while his Stripping Bit Music is playing. He dances with Chanse and Angela fo a bit, the throws off his clothes and dances only in his gold boxers for a while)

(After everything is cleaned up,Ian walks back up onto the podium)

The Pastor: Wow!

The Pastor: Wow, give it up once again to Chanse and Angela, that was incredible! (clapps)

The Pastor: In-credible!

The Pastor: Also, give it up to Keith!

The Pastor: I think that’s the eight time you’ve done the striptease in a video? Which qualifies you as a sex offender, so congratulations. (clapps)

(Keith, smiling widely, turns towards the audience and joins clapping)

The Pastor: No, don’t- don’t clap to that!

The Pastor: Um- (leans over the podium) You got all your money?

(Keith is shown picking up all the “money” he dropped when he threw off his coat)

The Pastor: Um, Okay. (looks up) Everyone, we have a very special guest, that we kept a secret from all of you. Some describe them as Smosh from an alternative universe, if that universe was a little less funny and a lot more gay.

The Pastor: Ladies and gentlemen: Dan and Phill!

(Two people in red monk robes bring in a TV screen on wheels, putting it besides Anthony’s casket. The screen is showing static, which then cuts to a video showing static)

Phil: My guys… thanks for having us.

Dan: This is a sad time. (Turns towards Phil) I feel like I’ve lost a brother… People always that me and Anthony look so similar - same eyes, same hair, same nose- well, we did  used to have the same nose but then… *awkward cough*

Phil: We were so proud when Anthony got Smosh back, but we’re also proud about his impactful and original solo content, like “I spent a day with…”, and his sketches with us.

Dan: *chuckles* Remember that time when he just vlogged himself in his swimwear, doing slip-n-slide with his ex-girlfriend. Good content, bro!

Phil: But while legacy, Smosh used to be the most subscribed chanel of all time! What happened? It’s almost like two guys yelling at each other for six minutes stops being funny when you’re not six years old anymore

Dan: Hey! Smosh may not have epic and impressive stunts like Mr.Beast, but as long as Shayne can just read shit off Reddit… You’ll be alright

Phil: For a man who identifies as a straight man by their proximity in a hot tub, Anthony has the worst gaydar ever! Once at VidCon we got smashed on tequila sunrises with Joey Graceffa, and Anthony thought we were having a “bro moment”.

Dan: I have unironically bought the Sexy Anthony Calendar when I was 19, and when he found out he just said “Thanks for your support”. I once told him I couldn’t wait to get back to his house to slobber over his fatty, and he took me to burrito truck.

Dan: What a dumbass! A dumb, fuckable ass

Phil: The world lost a good himbo.

Dan: Hey, look! I don’t do this to be mean. He’s not dumb, he just smoked so much weed that he thinks sitting in a chair with someone for 20 minutes is spending a whole day together

Phil: We’ve been with him trough some hardest moments of his life!

Dan: So many ex’s…

Phil: He stayed at our house when he got his tattoo, came all the way to the London, spent all that money, only to look like someone someone dropped a plate of Squeal Out paste on a C-Tier OnlyFans twink.

Dan: The tattoo artist actually got violently electrocuted while it was happening, but just played it of as intentional *sigh* Now he looks like someone just inverted colors on my Sexy Anthony Calendar after I spent a five minutes with it in a bathroom

Phil: It felt like he finally got to a good place in his life, where he could be truly authentic. He found a “unique” way of styling himself - he searched “edgy”... on Pintrest.

Dan: Anthony dresses like Edward Scisorhand fell into a cabinet at a pornshop.

Phil: Hey!

Dan: Sorry, we apologize. That was very insensitive to Edward, he would never let his hair get this crusty and disgusting, like he had someone jizz on them and then left it on the sun for ten days. Like my Sexy Anthony Calendar

Phil: We wish Ian all the best in running Smosh without Anthony… Again.

Dan: But if you need another YouTubers to bail out Smosh again do not come to us, okay? Not because we don’t have the money, but because we don’t believe in you.

Phil: Goodbye!

(whole screen turns into static, then cuts back to the funeral set.)

The Pastor: Wow! Wow, wow… Wow!

The Pastor: Thank you Dan and Phil, that was- that was crazy horny.

The Pastor: So, um, hopefully our next guest isn’t as horny, and that is- Oh, shit! It’s Bikini Girl…

.

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[abstrusearchive]

Anthony is Dead: The Funeral Roast - Anthony: The Musical by Angela Girratana & Chanse McCrary

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(Angela and Chanse walk up to the camera, backward caps on their heads[1], looking towards it as they start talking)

Angela: Hey Chanse.

Chanse: Yes?

Angela: You know how they gave us 10 minutes to do whatever we want, you think what I’m thinking?

Chanse: I think what you’re thinking.

Angela: Yeah.

(Chanse starts talking directly towars camera)

Chanse: So there’s the thing: we bought the rights to Anthony’s life on Craigslist and we made a play out of it. 

Chanse: So, we present:

(They move their bodies to form an A)

Both: Anthony: The Musical!

Angela, singing:

An emo girl on YouTube, but nothing strikes a cord..

A dude that hears music in video games, but knows there’s something more..

A salesman who sells phallic foods, but nobody thinks it’s funny..

A white teenage guy, in 2005, with no one to give him money...[2]

Both:

Who do we give our money?

Chanse (Anthony): So you’re saying I just press this button here and a video goes to the entire Internet, Ian?

Angela (Ian): Yeah, I’m Ian.

Chanse (Anthony): Well, here goes nothing. (toches near the camera with his finger, then waves) Hey guys!

Chanse (Anthony), singing:

My name is Anthony, and I’m here to say

I make funny things, in a teenage way

Pokemons or the parodies, for adolescents

Too scared to smoke weed!

‘Cause I’m the-

Both, singing: Man with the viral touch!

Chanse (Anthony): We need a catchphrase

Both, singing: Man with the viral touch!

Angela (Ian): Shut uup!

Both, singing: Man with the viral touch!

Chanse (Anthony), singing: And Ian’s here too!

(Angela (Ian) pats Chanse (Anthony), peeking out from behind his shoulder)

Angela (Ian): I’m right here.

(Chanse (Anthony) moves aside)

Chanse (Anthony): Oh, sorry.

Chanse, narrating: Meanwhile, at the YouTube headquarters…

Chanse (Anthony): Mr. YouTube! Mr. YouTube!

(Angela (Mr. YouTube) is shown walking with an umbrella, using it as walking stick)

Angela (Mr. YouTube): Ah! Don’t bother me now, I’m in an awful mood, after a bad call with a store runner!

Chanse (Anthony): Well-

Angela (Mr. YouTube): They-! They are crushing us in the horny teen demographic! They are absolutely crushing us! I feel like I’m trapped in a box, man! A box, man!

Chanse (Anthony): Well, that’s just what I was gonna say! Look at this!

Chanse (Anthony), singing: I’m booooooox maaaan! 

Angela (Mr. YouTube): Nice!

Angela (Mr. YouTube), singing:

Now it’s clear to me, I finally know,

My website depends on these teenage bros.

Give them money! Give them fame!

Their lives will never

Be! The!! Same!!!

Chanse, narrating: Ladies and gentleman: Two teenage boys!

Both, singing:

Man with the viral touch!

Chanse (Anthony): We’re getting monetized!

Both, singing: Man with the viral touch!

Chanse (Anthony): We sold to Defy!

Both, singing: Man with the viral touch!

Chanse (Anthony), singing: But I still want more…

Angela (Ian): (progressively draping herself over Chanse (Anthony)’s shoulders, her face getting more deranged) Anthony!! How cool is this! We have movies, TV shows, Babble adds! We’re gonna do this thing until we literally work ourselves into the grave! Isn’t it great?! I love you, but I’m also weirdly and constantly comparing myself to you when you’re around!

Chanse (Anthony): (shrugs Angela (Ian) off) Oh, my God!

Chanse (Anthony), singing:

Why would you make me hot, when I’m so smart?

Can I get to a place where I’m not…

Both: Hot and smart...

I made this back when I was sick,

My hair is grey and my walet’s thick

And my best friend gives me the ick

(falls at his knees)

What is next? What should I do?!

(bangs his fist on the ground)

This is not the Smosh I knew!

(looks down on his hands)

Chanse (Anthony): But- I can fix this, right? Cause I’m…

(Angela (Ian) walks up to him and kneels down next to him)

Chanse (Anthony), singing:

Should I even try… (Angela (Ian) awkwardly puts her hand at his arm, but he brushes it off and stands up)

I’m gonna quit Defy

Now it’s me, myself and… (turns back and sees Angela (Ian), then looks back away)

Me…

Chanse, narrating: We cut to Anthony two years later. He’s making his own content, which is mostly him talking about why he left Smosh, over, and over, and over… and over again. It’s not sustainable, and he knows it.

Angela (Anthony): Think Anthony, ugh come on! Your channel is getting terrible views, it’s almost like your content is really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really bad. Come on, I can do this! What do I have that Smosh doesn’t? Think…

Angela (Anthony), singing:

Comedy is bullshit,

Vloging’s just for squares

I’m saying that ‘cause I tried both and views just don’t compare,

To what I had…

Both:

What should I do?

(camera gets really close up to Angela (Anthony)’s face, with her holding her fist up in front of her like she’s singing into a mic)

Angela (Anthony), scream-singing:

I GOTTA FIND MY NEW SEEELF!!!

MAKE MY OWN FIVE MINUTE HIT!!!

I GOTTA FIND MY NEW SEEEELF!!!

OR I WILL LOSE MY FUCK-ING SHIT!!! 

Angela (Anthony): Think Anthony! C’mon! Do some yoga! (camera pans down to show Chanse doing a Crow Pose[3]) Downward dog- (gibberish)[4] Ugh! It’s not working!

Angela (Anthony): Wait! The answers… (looks down at her hands) they’re in the tats!

Angela (Anthony), singing:

Dig down deep, search myself!

Need something o-ri-gi-nal!

If only! I could know! POVs outside mine own!

Both:

Sexworkers, Kidz Bopps or adult babies!

Ex-mormons, trans people, nudists, furries!

Huge bodybuilders, professional cuddlers!

Flat Earthers or strippers, and substitute teachers!

Angela (Anthony):

But most Importantly!

They get to talk to me!

Chanse, narrating: And just like that, he found it: “I spend a day with…” - a show where Anthony interviews marginalized people for an hour and then keep all the profits! You know, like a hero! And just like that…

Angela (Anthony), scream-singing:

I FOUND MY NEW SEEELF!!!

I’VE MADE MY OWN FIVE MINUTE HIT!

NOW THAT I FOUND MY NEW SEEELF!!!

I DON’T NEED SMOSH, I’M! THE!! SHIT!!!

Chanse, narrating: Meanwhile, across the river at Smosh…

Both, singing:

(both of them move from one side of the view to the other, hunched over as if searching and moving their hands like robots, completing it by accenting their singing like “robots”)

Where are you, An-tho-ny, where are you?

Where are you, An-tho-ny, where are you?

Where are you, An-tho-ny, where are you?

Where are you, An-tho-ny, where are you?

(camera panes out toward the organ)

Josh: Ha! I’m Rhett and Link! And we'll take your channel and see if it will pizza! *menacing laugh*

(camera pans back)

Both: *screeching*

(Chanse is shown wearing blond wig)

Chanse (Shayne): Agh, I’m Shayne, and I’ve been carrying the channel on my back for so long and I can’t hold on much longer! Smosh is in trouble! If we don’t do something immediately, we’re toast! You have to make the call, Ian!

Angela (Ian): I’m Ian and I won’t make that phone call.

Chanse (Shayne): You must!

Angela, narrating: Meanwhile, at Anthony’s mansion…

Chanse (Anthony), singing:

My channel’s finally found a voice,

And I’m making so much money

But if I’m being honest, I miss my friend,

And being funny…

Angela (Ian): *ring ring ring* Hey, uh… It’s Ian.

Chanse (Anthony): It’s Anthony…?

Angela (Ian): Yeah, I know, uh- I was just wondering… 

Chanse (Anthony): What?

Angela (Ian): Listen, I really like the work you’re doing; Giving people with different perspectives a platform, but… Doesn’t any part of you want to go back to making the same, ill-informed, sexist, homophobic content we’ve made fifteen years ago?

Chanse (Anthony): Wow… I spent a day with so many people, but I guess the only person that I haven’t spent a day with… (exaggeratedly shrugs) is my best friend.

Angela (Ian), singing: I’ll spend a day with you!

Chanse (Anthony), singing: (in a much deeper voice that he used before) You’ll spend a day with me!

Both, singing: We’ll spend a day together, once again,

We’re Ian and Anthony!

I’ll spend a day with you!!!

Chanse (Anthony): We’ll summon a demon!

You’ll spend a day with me!

Chanse (Anthony): Be given an (?) !

And the future of Smosh is okay,

Cause I’ll spend a day,

I’ll spend a day,

I’ll spend a day!

Angela (Ian): *sigh* Everything is back to normal

Chanse (Anthony): Yeah! Let's agree to never sell our creative property to a major corporation again

Angela (Ian): Let's never ever ever do that!

(Both turn to look directly into the camera while pointing at it)

Both: Hold us to it!

(They look back towards each other)

Chanse (Anthony): And one more thing. We should address the sexual tension between us, that’s perpetrated not only by fans but our own actions, on screen AND OFF. Let’s talk about it, right here. Right now…

(They slowly move closer, grasping and embracing each other as if they were about to kiss)

(Then Chanse (Anthony) abruptly pushes Angela (Ian) back and sharply turns away)

Chanse (Anthony): No, hah!

Chanse, narrating: We cut to the Smosh studio where the whole gang is reunited.

Angela: I’m a Smosh cast and half of us are late to the meeting!

Both: (jumping up in excitement) Yay!!

Both, singing:

‘Cause he’s the man with the viral touch!

Chanse: I’ll spend a day with you!

Both: Man with the viral touch!

Angela: I only wanna be with you!

Both: Man with the viral touch!

And we have all

Been!!

Touched!!!

…

..

.

(Music abruptly cuts off)

To Be Continued…

.

References:

[1] - These caps have written "Ian" and "Anthony", with Amanda and Chanse wearing them respectivelly. I just wrote down who is playing which role at the moment (cause they do switch the caps) for simplicity

[2] - They make this bit in the TNTL #143 (the second musical one)

[3] - The Crow Pose, also called Kakasana

[4] - the gibberish sounded like a butchered version of original name for the Downward Dog yoga pose (written in latin it being Adho Mukha Svanasana), but I didn't know how to write it's botched version so the reference would still be clear

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[abstrusearchive]

Anthony is Dead: The Funeral Roast - Arasha Lalani AKA The Coroner

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(Arasha walks up onto the podium and stares directly into the camera with dead-eyed RBF in silence)

The Coroner: … (in the flattest, deadpan, raspy voice) Hi.

The Coroner: *sigh* I’m the medical examiner who conducted Anthony’s autopsy… And apparently the only one you know.

The Coroner: High-key, I was so excited for this assignment. See? (barely quirks her lips)

The Coroner: I’ve been wanting to be in a room with Anthony’s naked body since his video “Am I Gay?” - I find queerbaiting really attractive.

The Coroner: Either way it leaves somebody disappointed. Soo brave.

The Coroner: When I started to examine him closer I realised I’ve made a horrible mistake: this body is medically sus.

The Coroner: It’s like a pretty car, but under the hood is a nest of anxious wet rats in a circlejerk.

The Coroner: I spent a day with Anthony… and I’v got an ick. This is what I found:

The Coroner: His hair was difficult to examine, as it was matted into curls after being burned, crunched, and forced into being straight for years… Like Chanse growing up in Tennessee.

(Chanse is shown doing the Shaka Sign[1])

The Coroner: His hemoglobin levels were normal, which was surprising, considering how much his blood boiled due dealing with Ian during years 2011 to 2018.

The Coroner: Vitals were all around normal, except his rizz… (frowns) Lowest I’ve ever seen.

The Coroner: It’s widely know Anthony had no game, and speaking of wide - he had a nosejob.

The Coroner: Several years ago he (moves fingers in quoting motion) “fixed his deviated septum”... *quiet snort* Sure, king…

The Coroner: Now that he’s dead his nose is being repossessed, because he bought it (turns towards Ian) with Defy stocks (quirks her lips and widens her eyes in fake surprise)

The Coroner: He called himself a vegan, which usually means eating healthy, but then he only ate chips and protein bars…

The Coroner: Anthony is vegan the way Ian is our boss… the way Angela is an adult… the way Amanda is a podcaster… the way Brandon is a comedian… the way Tommy is- chill… The way Courtney is chill.

The Coroner: The way Shayne’s moustache… (frowns) worked?

The Coroner: The way Rhett and Link are friends… And the way Chanse is 22.

The Coroner: Now. Anthony’s skin has faced a lot of mixed treatment, clearly by being only inside for decades on his computer and then blasting his pores with stick-and-poke tattoos. (turns towards Anthony) There’s another way to get a tattoo, you know?

The Coroner: His neck is chafed by Ian constantly breathing down it… also, that’s the highest that Ian can reach on Anthony, being that Ian is 5’8’’ and Anthony is 5’11’’. That’s a 3 inch difference- Ian, I believe you’re familiar with 3 inches...?

The Coroner: (looks down) I’ll find that out one way or another…

The Coroner: Anthony’s nervous system was in tatters - we found lethal amounts of marihuana and extra strength yerba mate. In our field we call this “cocaine bounding”

The Coroner: (turns towards Anthony and looks at him in contemplation) …

The Coroner: Upon examining his heart, I found that it is healthy. Though it contains many healed wounds, he is still full of love and support for his people. (turns towards the audience)

The Coroner: It takes strength to live fractured and come back home whole.

The Coroner: ...

The Coroner: Speaking of hole - flat ass.

The Coroner: That’s it. Coroner, out.

(she takes her files and stands down from the podium. Her place, once again, takes up The Pastor)

The Pastor: Alright folks, we are about halfway through our members.

The Pastor: Also, (gestures towards the keyboard hidden in church organs) quick shoutout to Josh everybody (starts clapping), doing a great job on the organ.

The Pastor: You know, Josh is kinda like our own “Phantom of the Opera”, he’s- he’s like an angel of music that is- behind the scenes and, holding women hostage, with stories that never end.

(Josh makes an offended face, then looks down with a sad face)

The Pastor: …

The Pastor: Anyway. I’ve been told that we have an extra, special half-time performance.

The Pastor: From Chanse, who is extra. And Angela, who is special.

The Pastor: (Nods) Take it away.

(He walks down from podium, as Chanse and Angela run up towards the camera that starts tracking them and piano music starts playing)

To be continued...

.

References:

[1] The Shaka Sign

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[abstrusearchive]

Anthony is Dead: The Funeral Roast - Special Guest: Brandon Rogers

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(The Comedian strikes a pose, straightening his lapels and smiling to the audience, then walks up to the podium)

Brandon: (slaps his hands down the podium) I object… (pulls ot a folded paper) to not saying anything before we throw this (gestures with the paper towards Anthony) fucker into river, so lets do it. (unfolds the paper, which is shown to be torn and stained) Alright, sorry, I just came from, uh, the bathroom.

Brandon: It is an honor to be here tonight, (gestures at the casket) a highlight of Anthony’s career. When I heard it was a funeral I rode right over; I am such a whore for the funerals, (slaps down the podium to emphasize) I’m the biggest whore for the funerals, but today we’re joined by Courtney, so…

Brandon: But we’re not here to remember church sluts, (gestures towards Anthony) we're here to remember a church virgin.

Brandon: Anthony was a major advocate for mental health. And, today, we honor the most (slaps the podium) remarkable thing he’s done for his fans' mental health - die. It’s- that wasn’t a joke.

Brandon: It’s a shame he had to die before he could become interesting.

Brandon: No! Like that’s wrong- (points at Anthony) The only way he could get a show where he’s a star of it if it's about other people. Just saying, maybe he should’ve spend some time with a (slaps the podium) fucking hobby, (looks at Anthony) you boring prick!

Brandon: … (hands by his mouth in praying gesture)

Brandon: Anthony, thank you for dying. All of the oxygen that would’ve been wasted on the rest of your life is going to people with talent. (looks at the sudience) Yes!

Brandon: And- and I have to say, this is a second time I’ve roasted (points at Anthony) this cuck in a casket, and the third time he better be in a fucking urn.

Brandon: Sorry, that was, uh… Rude. I-...

Brandon: Let’s eat Anthony.

Brandon: We can do it! No, because, he can’t say no no more. (points at Anthony) And look at all that meat. Yeah, “vegan” my ass. (walks up to Anthony and grabs his arm, sizing it up) Look at all this muscle, he’s been working out! One of his arms has enough muscle to do what he never could in life (pats Anthony) - feed a family.

Brandon: And also, fun fact! Anthony’s hairstyle is in Trolls 1 and 2. Yeah, it is! Before we threw him in the box (pulls out a bit of black curled wig and puts it on his forehead) I snipped some of his hair and I trough, maybe- maybe I could be the new Anthony. But! (smiles widely at the audience) This time hot and funny!

Brandon: Now I know he died early, “at such a young age”. (slaps the podium) Bitch, thirty- Three is a big number. Three decades?! I didn’t think he’d make it this far! Three is a very big number - that’s the amount of stars IMDB gave the Smosh movie! (shrugs) Yeah.

Brandon: (leans forward over podium) So I would just like to say, congratulations to you Ian. You are, finally, the most attractive original member from Smosh! (smiles wide-eyed and claps his hands)

Brandon: Now, the rest of you- what a pathetic goddamned lineup. No wonder it took all of (gestures around with his hand) this to replace this king! (points at Anthony) I don’t even know who the most of you are!

Brandon: Like, Arash- is that how you pronounce it?

The Coroner: Arasha.

Brandon: Well, I’ve never met you, and I won’t.

Brandon: And- you know you got a gay group of friends when Chanse blends in with the rest of you.

Brandon: And what- (points at Shayne) The Chosen Topp in the back? Doesn’t Shayne look like someone who has OnlyFans for Only Him?

Brandon: You fuckers should be ashamed of yourselves! (points at Anthony) This man was promised comedians at this event! And all I’m seeing is (counts) one, two, three, four, five, six, seven cumshots and Tommy. And Tommy’s here only because there will be seven cumshots! Tom-my. (slaps the podium) You’re in your thirties, it’s Tom now, motherfucker!

Brandon: *sigh* Anyways, I’d like to say in all seriousness. Anthony was a great friend, (points at Anthony with his hand) and he looks like a dream tonight. And it’s a shame morticians couldn’t get the smell of Rhett and Link’s balls out of his mouth. 

Brandon: Rot in hell Anthony, I love you.

(Brandon walks away towards the participant audience and sits down. His place on the podium takes up The Coroner)

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[abstrusearchive]

Anthony is Dead: The Funeral Roast - Tommy Bowe AKA The Will

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(Tommy walks up onto the podium and looks around)

The Will: (Gestures at the walls, draped in black torn up cloth and cobwebs) I see we decorated the walls with Anthony’s leftover sweaters. (uncovers his face from beneath the veil)

The Will: (takes out a scroll and opens it to read it) We gathered here today because we witnessed rising of the dead. (looks up) That’s right, the main channel is finally getting views again. *sigh* (looks up towards the sky) Thank fucking God.

The Will: I’ve also seen someone come back to life - I have never seen Ian happy. And, actually I’m so happy, that I could be here. Because if it were up to the 2017 Anthony, we wouldn’t be. 

The Will: Unfortunately, Anthony is dead. No longer will he be able to spend day with weird people to ask why they’re doing all (waves his hand around) that.

The Will: Anthony had a very hard life. His skin, marked from the time he tragically tripped in the Sharpies factory. His ears and hands proof that he’s a victim of manic Claire’s employee. Only a tragic life could lead to looking like if motorcycle was gay; I can say that, I’m a motorcycle.

The Will: But Anthony wasn’t known for his struggles, he was known for his accomplishments... Like making Obama jokes in 2023. Truly broke the mold, imagine, someone this conventionally attractive doing something so conventionally unattractive.

The Will: People also frequently ask about the meaning of his tattoos, and now that he’s passed I can reveal that it was so he could fuck goth girls.

The Will: And, not many people know this, but Anthony was also great at impressions - he does a really good “Anthony Padilla does not hate Tommy Bowe”

(Anthony is shown shaking his head in denial, wide-eyed)

The Will: And now, the moment we’ve been waiting for. My Groundhogs Day - reading of the will. (looks down at the scroll)

The Will: Amanda will receive Anthony’s copy of Frankenstein, ‘cause she was brought to life when lightning struck a bassoon. Amanda, if you don’t know what a bassoon sounds like, (lowers his voice pitch), ‘sounds like this. [1]

The Will: Anthony has already given Shayne the Smosh podcast channel; it was a social experiment to see if Shayne could have a normal conversation for an hour.

The Will: Anthony leaves Ian the box-man head, so that he has somewhere to live when Smosh is over. Anthony also promises to possess Ian and use his body as a human host, which is risky, because as we’ve seen on YouTube, Ian is not the best host. Remember when my We Watched Show failed? [2]

The Will: Anthony leaves Courtney his tattoo artist so Courtney can finish her list of “tattoos from movies nobody gives a shit about”. Courtney will be soon getting a Smosh movie tattoo - it’s just one star.

The Will: Chanse will receive Anthony’s secret diary, containing Anthony’s true sexuality. Unfortunately it won’t work out because, as they say it, you know, two bottoms don’t make a ride, but they do make me infuriated.

The Will: Anthony leaves Tommy a king sized bed so he can finally put himself to sleep. 

The Will: Angela will receive a backwards cap, to go along her current physical form [3] and Amber Alert on rollerblades.

The Will: And, Anthony gives Arasha his blackout curtains, to match her Friday nights.

The Will: This concludes everything Anthony had to give away, except for the rest of his clothes which he gave to Charity, who is a really hot goth girl.

The Will: Something to remember about Anthony is that he’s incredible and behind every great man is even greater CEO. (salutes) Thank you Alé. (gets ready to leave)

The Will: Oh! And if anyone objects to Anthony’s death, please speak now or be silent forever.

???: Wait!

(camera pans away towards the corridor on the other side of Anthony’s casket, revealing a man, The Comedian)

The Comedian: Dammit, I object!

.

References:

[1] bassoon is a instrument similar to a clairnet if you're wondering. Its also called the english f-slur in my native language, which paired up with Tommy being gay is a little funny to me

[2] apparently, at least according to Reddit users, Tommy was referencing his "I Wached [blank] for the first time" video with Ian, which at the time had the least views on the whole Smosh Pit channel

[3] Angela at the time had her arm in a cast

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[abstrusearchive]

Anthony is Dead: The Funeral Roast - Amanda Lehan-Canto AKA The Fortune Teller

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(Amanda walks up to the podium. She looks down, then startles and looks back up)

The Fortune Teller: (Looking at Anthony) Hello! Hi! Greetings! Hi!

The Fortune Teller: I’m Angelica Angela LaCroix. I am a medium, but at the Atlantic City T-shirt Shop I’m an (?) and I don’t understand it. It’s insane, yes it’s weird, their sizes are weird.

The Fortune Teller: I’m here to deliver messages to (gestures towards Anthony) this boy. This wonderful, beautiful, handsome little boy-boy, this little boy, who grabbed a bunch of lipsticks to contour all over and called them tattoos.

The Fortune Teller: I have the messages, from the beyond! The beyond! And not just the beyond, the (?) too! Ha! Ow! 

The Fortune Teller: I’m kidding, that was a medium joke.

The Fortune Teller: Okay, before we start I just wanna say- (starts swating around) I’ve got cobwebs all over me, this is outrageous. 

The Fortune Teller: (turns towards Anthony) I just wanna say, you’re not really dead, ok, and it’s very- it’s very offensive to the dead community. (gestures at Anthony) Look at you, you’re in a full blown ghostface! And you’ve got a past with brownface - “Anthony is mexican?”, 15 million views! (turns sharply towards audience) Look it up! Look it up!

The Fortune Teller: … Hi, hello! How is everybody? (glances at Anthony) Oh, good, I woke your guy up. (pulls out deck of cards)

The Fortune Teller: Okay- (swats around) Stop it, get off!

The Fortune Teller: Now, I think the question we all have for this, this little rotten little beefcake, little boy boy-boy… Is he at peece? Is Anthony actually at peece right nyow? (starts shuffling the cards)

The Fortune Teller: Well, we have to find out. And the only way to find out is to ask the cwords. The cwards. (brings up the deck) The tarot cwards.

The Fortune Teller: (turns towards Anthony) Okay? I’ll pull these for you, honey. (turns back) *sigh*

The Fortune Teller: So I am your guide. I’m your guy to the guide to the stars to the guy to the star, (gestures at herself) guide, (gestures at the audience) star. *sigh* Here we go. (pulls out the card)

The Fortune Teller: First cward… Oh! (shows the card) The Fool! This is a very very very good cward, okay? The Fool is definitely your younger self. It’s your younger self that saw the sketch “Bigfoot is Gay” with guest special Shayne Topp would age well! (looks directly at the camera) 9.4 million views, look it up! Look it up!

The Fortune Teller: *heavy sigh* It didn’t. (looks down and pulls out another card)

The Fortune Teller: The next cward… Oh. The Empress. This is a very very very good cward, okay? So this cward represents abundance of wealth, wealth and spiritual satisfaction. Which is interesting, because you bought this watch company and it started begging for handouts! (does a surprised face while looking around)

The Fortune Teller: I love Smosh, they’re very funny and I’m being paid to be here. (looks down)

The Fortune Teller: *starts gasping and grunting* Oh! Oh! I got chills, oh my god I got chills! I’ve got spirit chills! 

The Fortune Teller: Oh, there’s something happening! (looks and gestures towards other participants) Oh my goodness! You’re- you’re Shayne, right? There’s something right behind you - it is your TV career. (waves around in his direction) Okay? Okay? Okay, stick with me here, buddy. It’s your TV career and it’s dead, it’s dead. It’s done. (points at him) Don’t look at it, It’ll bum you out, alright? I’m here to protect you, alright?

The Fortune Teller: Very good. (looks down and pulls out another card) Sorry about that.

The Fortune Teller: Oh! Another cward, this is a very very good card. Okay, so this is The Ten of Cups, okay? And this is a positive sign that you have reached completion and satisfaction on your journey- (looks down) Oh. Oh! It’s reversed, it means none of your partners have ever reached completion. Look it up! Look it up. (looks down and pulls out another card)

The Fortune Teller: Oh! Oh, The Lovers card. (gestures at Anthony) This is not for you honey, I’m getting a- I’m getting a- Oh. (shows card to the room) This is a card to little friends that go by Rhett and Link, okay? Okay, Rhett and Link. It’s your love, but it’s also love for the bullying of every member of your staff, alright?

The Fortune Teller: Oh, another spirit chill! (points) Chanse. It’s someone you need to look off. It’s someone who doesn’t serve you anymore. It’s Straight Chanse. Okay? You don’t need him anymore honey, it doesn’t take a psychic to know who you're gonna bed with, okay? Look it up! (looks down)

The Fortune Teller: Okay, okay… (pulls out a card) Okay, King of Hearts? This is for Anthony, a known ladies man… King of Fuorts, this is clearly for Ian.

The Fortune Teller: King of Fuorts. Fuorts. And Ian I can read your thoughts right now, no, I’m not producing milk. (looks down, then startles and looks at the back)

The Fortune Teller: There’s a man! There’s a man in the corner with a beard, oh my god, whos that? Steven (?) . This is for Angela. He says you’re a brilliant performer and that you deserve Broadway, and he can’t wait to see you eating sriracha tampons on Smosh Pit Next time!

The Fortune Teller: In conclusion! Smosh is a very sexless place, okay? And Anthony brought a lot of sexappeal and structure, (looks at Anthony) and are you at peece?

The Fortune Teller: Hello? Are you at peece? Are you’ peece? Anthony, are you at peece?

The Dead: Y-yup.

The Fortune Teller: (turns back sharply) Great! … *heavy sigh*

The Fortune Teller: Thank you guys, that’s my time. You guys should have appetizers or at least a pot full of mea- meatballs! Don’t google me!

(Amanda walks down from the podium. On her place walks up The Will)

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[abstrusearchive]

Anthony is Dead: The Funeral Roast - Ian Hecox AKA The Pastor

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[After some flashback montage and the intro]

(Josh is playing church music as Ian walks up onto the podium)

The Pastor: (To Josh) Thank you.

The Pastor: (towards audience) Hello my children, I’m pastor Ian. I’m your ordaine host, walking you trough the roast (gestures towards Anthony) of Anthony Padilla.

The Pastor: Alongside me are several spirits, be they friends, foes, or work-mandated acquaintances - ekhm Arasha ekhm.

The Pastor: And since I know him the best, according to public record, I’m here to kick things off.

The Pastor: So, I asked the ChatGPT to write an obituary for me, for Anthony, and all it said back was “Finally.”, so I had to write one on my own.

The Pastor: So, here we go!

The Pastor: Born September 16th, 1987, Virgo sun, Cancer moon, Fuckboy rising… Anthony was born in Sacramento, California, which is if a stock photo had a hairworm(?) problem.

The Pastor: Anthony will live on partially through the YouTube videos he's made, but mostly through the Angry Birds movie and the sequel Angry Birds movie, "the Angry Birds movie: let's make it worse by not casting Ian."

The Pastor: He built Smosh from the ground up, learning coding before it was cool, which is actually pretty funny because, you know, coding’s already deeply uncool. Yeah…

The Pastor: (looks directly at the camera) Oh, I’m sorry, did I piss you off nerds? Here’s some ones for you, zeroes. (flips the camera off with both hands)

The Pastor: Fuckin’ got’em. Got’em! … It’s so dumb…

The Pastor: After working many years here at Smosh, he decided to pursue making unwatchable content on his own. And it was so inspiring that Smosh decided to do the same.

The Pastor: The Washington Post described Anthony as “YouTube’s Interview King”, which is kind of like YouTube calling Rhett & Link the Kings of Original Content, which is…

The Pastor: Oh sorry. By the way, Rhett & Link will be here but currently they’re shooting their magnum opus - Rating Rhett’s Holes.

The Pastor: So, Anthony is known for some famous quotes, such as: “Life’s not that hard, just be hot”, or “Sorry, I can’t come to your party - I’m gonna be tired that day”, and my favourite quote, “Girlfriends won’t be mad if you just tell them you’re working”

The Pastor: Now… One of his main frustrations, back in the day, was that the audience perceived him as “The Hot One” and me as “The Funny One”. So, when Anthony finally went on his own, the audience was finally able to see the kind of comedy that Anthony could bring on his own. And to the audience’s surprise, for once, they were actually right.

The Pastor: But really, it’s so nice seeing so many of his friends here, it’s just too bad he wasn’t alive to see this. Because, as we all know, Anthony is very good at taking a joke and totally cool about getting criticized.

The Pastor: I mean… Honestly though, the fact that he agreed to do this confuses me more than Brendon Rogers’ continued success.

The Pastor: So, in conclusion, I’d love to tell you the rules that Anthony lived by, he referred to it as his five commandments - he would’ve wrote ten but, being mid is just what he does.

The Pastor: So, here’s his first commandment: “One - Thou shalt not leave any finger unringed and any ring unfingered”

The Pastor: “Two - Thou shalt not do yoga in your underwear, unless you’re filming it for Instagram”

The Pastor: (turns towards Anthony) Seriously dude, people don’t need to see your hoggin’ downward dog, alright? (turns towards audience) Am I right ladies?

The Pastor: “Three - Thou shalt tattoo the word “inhale” on thy neck to remind thyselves to breathe every time you’re looking at your neck”, and, I don’t get it, ‘cause you can’t actually see the “inhale”, like the only way that you can see it is if you’re looking into mirror so it’s backwards, so it’s “elahni”? I don’t get it, it’s weird.

The Pastor: Anyway, “Four - Thou shalt not change your favourite movie, Home Alone 2, even though Donald Trump is in it”

The Pastor: And finally “Five - thou shalt focus on work so thou don’t have to deal with thy problems, but when work becomes a problem, thou shall focus on making videos of thou doing yoga in thy underwear and posting it on thous Instagram”!

The Pastor: ... Anyway (puts his hands in praying gesture) peace be with you, let’s make it a funeral to be remembered, yes!? (spreads his arms)

The Pastor: Alright… Alright. Now, let’s hear from our first guest of the night. Is she funny? Let me just say, Mexican salsa, yes she is. It’s the Fortune Teller.

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