abyssaldroid

[abyssaldroid]

Once again I am blighted with the inscrutable urge to play Max Payne 3. It's like a curse -- every few years I need to go back. I can't explain it. I'm sick with a disease.

[abyssaldroid]

so many of the transfems i know spent their time pre-transition performing a kind of lifelong exercise in self-deprivation, the goal of which was to find out exactly how little a person needed to live. they starved themselves, dressed carelessly, shunned friends, and hollowed themselves out so as not to be burdens on anyone but themselves.

i see it now, too, in the girls around me. i'll ask if they want care – a home-cooked meal, relaxed company, sex without the expectation of reciprocation – and they say no, no, thank you, i don't need it; what would you like, what do you want, because in their head they're still doing that awful calculus, still training themselves to disappear in the eyes of the people around them.

i don't think i'd have died without transition – not in the conventional sense, at least – but to take that leap, i had to stop thinking of myself as a human experiment in fuel-efficient living and start nurturing the anemic, atrophied flame of desire in my heart. i had to learn to eat well, to exercise, to style myself beautiful, but harder than that, i had to learn to ask the people around me to work on my behalf in order to enrich my life and give me the things i wanted.

and i did it; i learned. and it was agony, but courage is a muscle you can train, and every day i get better at accepting gifts with the hungry gratitude i never learned in my years and years as a sad, scared, lonely boy.

so be patient with the trans girls in your life. better than that: be proactive, attentive, generous; be forceful, if you have to, and learn to distinguish real discomfort from the terrified reflex of self-denial that so many of us once learned to rely on.

and if you are so lucky as to love a trans girl, you must insist upon her. you must insist upon her happiness, her comfort, her pleasure, and her rest, because she may still not yet know how to make those demands for herself. if you can devote any amount of energy to becoming an engine that nurtures the flame of even a single tgirl then there is a place for you in trans heaven, which as far as i'm concerned is the only one worth going to

[abyssaldroid]

Why are all classical pieces called something like Rigatoni al Forno IV in Ursa Minor for Ten Bassinets?

[abyssaldroid]

remove brain

[abyssaldroid]

[abyssaldroid]

I go to Reddit to see how insane other people are, and I go to Tumblr to see how insane I am.

[abyssaldroid]

Autechre - Ipacial Section

This is the piece of music with the most autism in it. I will not be explaining why or how at this time - thank you.

[abyssaldroid]

When we sample confections such as these, we are wed to Hades. We dip our hands into chthonic depths for the fruiting of dopamine, for relief from the many famines placed at our feet. But whatever concessions you make to this world, may they hold the promise of a seed. After all, they keep you, down here, because your spring is eternal; because you could flower the earth.

5/10

[abyssaldroid]

despite all my nut rage, I am still just a nut rat in a nut cage

[abyssaldroid]

[abyssaldroid]

Lift Your Trolley Wheels Like Antennas to Heaven

[abyssaldroid]

Every time i purchase a moderately expensive item the Karl Marx on my shoulder is like "For shame... you purchase yet another pair of jeans when you have 5 already at home, you despicable commodity fetishist? In my time, a man with five outfits would consider himself blessed beyond measure, and yet you want for more, while there are children starving in the world??" to which the second Karl Marx on my other shoulder says "Objection! Those 5 pairs of jeans all wildly uncomfortable or have holes in the ass, due to the decline of clothing quality driven by the fast fashion industry, unfortunately making this purchase a necessity... Plus, by purchasing a slightly more expensive pair of jeans from an independent brand, seeking quality over 'brand recognition', they are deliberately trying to avoid engaging in conspicuous consumption!" to which the third Karl Marx clinging to my back like that beetle from Doctor Who says "Remember, my friend; the less you eat, drink, buy books, go to the theatre or to balls, or to the pub, and the less you think, love, theorize, sing, paint, fence, etc., the more you will be able to save and the greater will become your treasure which neither moth nor rust will corrupt — your capital. Buy the jeans," to which I say "I don't know if any of you have actually read Karl Marx"

[abyssaldroid]

I've tasted Grimace's milk - dredged its sanguine, burbling depths. My word, the breadth of it... the curdled wine-dark madness. At the bottom I met the ghost of Louis Pasteur. He drowns there eternal, screaming: "Hell has lactated."

7.5/10

[abyssaldroid]

Dynasty Warriors: Origins makes a lot of weird choices but that weirdest by far is making tyrannical despot Dong Zhuo your bestie.

[abyssaldroid]

Robots with feelings, my favorite trope waaa😭😭

[abyssaldroid]

what i like about jaffa cakes is their inscrutable nature, like they are technically cakes but they're also biscuits, and recently they started making donuts which are also cakes but in the shape of donut, mcvities are the loki of snacks food manufacturers, they don't give a shit about your short-sighted mortal boundaries in regards to foodstuffs

[abyssaldroid]

anyone who suggest i lie down in a dark room in order to relax fundamentally misunderstands the nature of my brain

I Need Screen Time at Night to Fall Asleep As an ADHDer

AJ’s Brain