abyssmalpit-of-stuff

[abyssmalpit-of-stuff]

I literally hate losing things so so much oh my god I can’t handle losing something no matter how insignificant it is it makes me viscerally sick to my stomach to lose something

Probably doesn’t help that I just lost my EARBUDS. When I’m away from home and don’t have an alternative, I just tore apart my hotel room three times looking for them and am compulsively checking the same places hoping I just missed them good god I don’t feel well I’m going to burst into tears any moment and my head hurts and my stomach hurts and oh my god

[abyssmalpit-of-stuff]

don’t think intimacy will ever feel normal for me but i’m being really chill about it

[abyssmalpit-of-stuff]

MILLON'S SUBTYPES [ SZPD EDITION ]

Note: all definitions are taken directly from Millon's writings, which are quite old, with only a few edits and rephrasings to make things more digestible to a modern audience.

📃 The Languid Schizoid — They experience a marked inertia and generally deficient activation level. They appear intrinsically phlegmatic, lethargic, weary, leaden, lackadaisical, exhausted, and enfeebled. They often are unable to act with spontaneity or seek the simplest pleasures, may experience profound angst, yet lack the vitality to express it strongly.

▐ has depressive and dependent traits

📃 The Remote Schizoid — They appear distant and removed: inaccessible, solitary, isolated, disconnected, secluded, and aimlessly drifting. Tough, they are often peripherally occupied. This subtype is seen among people who would have been otherwise capable of developing normal emotional life but having been subjected to intense hostility lost their innate capability to form bonds. Some residual anxiety regarding this hostility is present.

▐ has avoidant traits

📃 The Depersonalized Schizoid — They are disengaged from others and themselves. They see their "self" as a disembodied or distant object. Their body and mind are sundered, cleaved, dissociated, disjoined, or entirely eliminated eliminated. Often seen as simply staring into the empty space or being occupied with something substantial while actually being occupied with nothing at all.

▐ has schizotypal traits

📃 The Affectless Schizoid — They appear passionless, unresponsive, unaffectionate, chilly, uncaring, unstirred, spiritless, lackluster, unexcitable, unperturbed, and cold; all emotions having seemingly been diminished. They have a strong preference for rigid structures and unemotional logic.

▐ has obsessive-compulsive traits

More of Millon's subtypes:

[ASPD] [AVPD] [BPD] [DPD] [DPPD]

[HPD] [OCPD] [PPD] [NGPD] [NPD]

[SAPD] [SDPD] [STPD] [SZPD] [TPD]

[abyssmalpit-of-stuff]

I don’t think I have the articulate ability to express exactly how much I dislike chatgpt and the people who use it but it does fill me with an inexplicable rage that I long to act on

[abyssmalpit-of-stuff]

Hate being constantly and terribly restless to a degree that it interferes with everything else going on at all times

Sitting in your room doing nothing while simultaneously feeling like you’re crawling in your skin because you’re not doing anything and you need to be doing everything all at once

You can never stay in one place too long, you can never be around the same people too long, you have to wander and drift without aim and without direction because that’s the only comfort provided to someone who won’t let themselves be known, to create a home, because that’s identity and that’s something personal, a home is personal, a place can be personal, and you can’t allow that to take root

So you’re restless, your mind and your body never stop aching, your feet itch to leave and go someplace else, your mind needs something different, needs to distance itself from everything that’s familiar because familiarity is unnerving because you feel known and seen and that in and of itself is panic inducing or disquieting

[abyssmalpit-of-stuff]

Thank god for music I love music because I can just play a song and substitute that for emotions inject that straight into my veins via audio this is so much better than feeling from within

[abyssmalpit-of-stuff]

there’s nothing wrong with me plus i don’t have any wants or needs plus i don’t feel or think at all

[abyssmalpit-of-stuff]

“HATE. LET ME TELL YOU HOW MUCH I'VE COME TO HATE YOU SINCE I BEGAN TO LIVE. THERE ARE 387.44 MILLION MILES OF PRINTED CIRCUITS IN WAFER THIN LAYERS THAT FILL MY COMPLEX. IF THE WORD HATE WAS ENGRAVED ON EACH NANOANGSTROM OF THOSE HUNDREDS OF MILLIONS OF MILES IT WOULD NOT EQUAL ONE ONE-BILLIONTH OF THE HATE I FEEL FOR HUMANS AT THIS MICRO-INSTANT FOR YOU. HATE. HATE.”

Yeah that’s the one

Where’s that wall of text that’s like “hate, hate, let me tell you how much I’ve come to hate you since I began to live” that’s how I feel about my family

[abyssmalpit-of-stuff]

Where’s that wall of text that’s like “hate, hate, let me tell you how much I’ve come to hate you since I began to live” that’s how I feel about my family

[abyssmalpit-of-stuff]

I hate my family so much ohh my god shut the fuck up I need to be as far away from you all as possible holidays are the worst thing known to man

[abyssmalpit-of-stuff]

avpd/szpd culture is experiencing "love" more like a reptile would--in the sense that you are familiar to me and I appreciate you, however I cant feel any deep emotional connection to you.

[abyssmalpit-of-stuff]

Secret schizoid desires:

-Wishing that you were a ghost or could turn invisible at will so you could go about your day without being observed at all

-Wishing that just for one day you'd wake up to a world completely empty of people so that you could move through the world unimpeded, go where ever and do whatever you want to in peace

[abyssmalpit-of-stuff]

flip-flopping between stifling apathy (I don't care about anything and anyone), repressed anger (I want the whole world to die) and passive depression (I just want to be dead)

[abyssmalpit-of-stuff]

considering visiting a psychiatric hospital, inpatient behavioral health unity, or other mental health crisis center? here's some tips about what to expect

i've been inpatient about 6 - 7 times now in various areas of the country and i thought i'd write down a few things on what to expect whenever you visit these kinds of facilities in the United States. i have gone in for psychotic and dissociative episodes, as well as suicidal ones. i cannot write about the experience in other countries unfortunately, this is my own personal experience. note that i can't tell you everything about your facility but i can tell you what i've experienced personally that generally applies to these kinds of places

when trying to get admitted to generally need to go to the ER first to tell them you are having a psychiatric crisis. use the word crisis. a lot of places will not admit you unless you admit you are having suicidal or homicidal thoughts. if you are visibly in a psychotic episode you may not have to admit these things but generally a lot of places won't admit you unless you are suicidal. if you aren't but need help anyways, mention that you're suicidal. it's not fucked up to do this. if you need help, you need help.

in almost all cases expect to be held for 72 hours (3 days) MINIMUM inside of that hospital. you cannot leave at all during this period. this is referred to as a 72 hour hold, it is for your safety. you are not allowed to leave during this time unless you opt to leave against medical advice (AMA) which will be noted on your chart. some places won't have this but most psychiatric hospitals will do this. please note that this is the MINIMUM hold! you may be there for longer depending on the severity of your situation

you cannot use your cellphone in most of these places. they will be locked away with your other possessions. this is to prevent you from contacting/being contacted by people who may be abusing or scaring you, as well as to prevent you from worrying about the stressors that brought you in to begin with. be prepared to not use any electronic devices for several days to a week. some people really struggle with this but it's vital in the healing process

you will not have access to any of your possessions outside of simple things like books and notebooks. you are not allowed to bring in anything that's spiral bound. you can't wear any clothing with draw strings or shoe strings. you can't bring in things that have elements that can be used to injure yourself or others. you can't bring in pencils or pens, they will provide you with some. you cannot bring your own hygiene products or medications to be used unless it's a very specific medication that's necessary that that hospital cannot administer

if you use nicotine, you will be given patches in most facilities, but some do allow patients to smoke their own cigarettes. most modern facilities provide nicotine patches

you more than likely will not be able to wear your own clothes. if you can, you will be given to on-site laundry facilities, or the staff will do it for you depending on the location. in a lot of places you will be given scrubs to wear. you will also be given non-slip ("grippy") socks to wear all the time. this is the only footwear that's permitted generally

you more than likely will have to share a bedroom with another patient. not always, but often this is the case. in a lot of hospitals trans patients are put in rooms with just one bed for safety reasons but this will vary wildly depending on location

there will be group therapy and visitations from therapists in most places. please attend these if you feel up to it, a lot of them are genuinely helpful. not all classes or therapists will be good, so if you feel uncomfortable feel free to leave, but i recommend trying to attend these

there are generally vegetarian, vegan, etc. options for meals so feel free to ask the staff in case you have a specific diet, especially medical diets

some psych facilities are small crisis centers or rehabilitation centers that are not connected to a proper hospital. if they are not, their resources will generally be a lot less and they will have less knowledge when it comes to physical health ailments

you may or may not receive a diagnosis. i was instantly diagnosed with schizophrenia the first time i went to the psych ward. i was clearly in a psychotic episode, confused, not entirely sure where i was. i was interviewed for a long time before the doctor came to the conclusion of schizoaffective disorder. other times i was diagnosed with dissociative identity disorder & depersonalization derealization disorder. i get diagnosed with DID and schizophrenia most times i go. your mileage will vary greatly depending on your situation. you may have wildly different diagnoses the different times you visit or you may get the same ones. you may not get a diagnosis at all. it's going to depend on your situation

you are more than likely going to be given new medications. much like the rest of the hospital, you may not be told the name of the medication right away. this is normal. it happens whenever you visit the ER, get a surgery, or are in other parts of the hospital, the name of the medication may not always be told to you right away. ask if you're curious about medications. they'll gladly explain

if a medication is making you feel like garbage or making your symptoms worse tell the nurses right away. you do not have to keep taking a medication if it starts to make you feel worse, you are allowed to communicate how medications are making you feel

try to take care of yourself and focus on getting better. your treatment may not be perfect but if you focus on yourself it gets easier. you're there to learn how to take care of yourself better. there may be "problem" patients but they are there to work on themselves too

if someone starts causing problems with you, tell staff and try to resolve it as quietly as possible as the other patient may just need some help that they weren't being given prior

feel free to ask for the hospital to let you know exactly what your discharge instructions rare. they will generally be setting you up with a lot of appointments upon discharge. this will usually involve an appointment with a therapist and a medication manager if they want you to stay on medication. keep up with these appointments, they will help. if you and your therapist do not get along well, feel free to find out how to find a new therapist

discharge can take a few hours longer than you make expect due to the amount of paperwork and appointments mentioned above. if it takes a long time for you, that is not abnormal

ASK FOR RESOURCES LIKE SOCIAL WORKERS, CASE MANAGEMENT AND SO ON. THIS IS HUGE: if you have EVER been admitted in-patient for mental health reasons you almost always qualify for case management services through your insurance. if you don't have insurance you still may qualify for low or no cost services. these are people who can help you sign up for government and public assistance. they can help you figure out how to pay your bills. they can help you find transportation, help with rent, help navigate addiction, help with signing up for housing programs and so on.

"severe" mental health (schizophrenia, bipolar disorder, PTSD, dissociative identity disorder, autism, personality disorders, OCD, and other conditions) & substance use disorder diagnoses often qualify you for discounted housing programs, bill/rental assistance, resources for navigating and escaping homelessness, help with children & family, and other great resources. take advantage of them especially if you genuinely struggle with these things

there are patient advocates for most hospitals. these people are literally hired to listen to patient feedback about their time in the facility. if you were treated well, poorly, or have questions or concerns about the treatment process, google "(facility name) patient advocate" or look through your discharge paperwork to see if that information is included. you can also call the hospital and ask to be transferred

don't look down on other patients who have more severe symptoms than you do. if someone has no idea where they are, what they're doing, or how to interact with other patients don't laugh at them, gossip about them or look down on them. you're there for help just like they are. similarly, don't look down on anyone who you believe has less severe symptoms than you do. you can't tell just by looking

certain things may vary depending on where you're located, but this is what i've experienced going to hospitals in 3 different states. i hope this information can be helpful to some. if you have any questions feel free to ask i'm happy to help!

[abyssmalpit-of-stuff]

The endless cycle of being a kid raised with exceptionally high standards to the point it was engrained in you that you must be the absolute best and anything less isn’t good enough, but also feeling absolutely no sense of accomplishment

Yes. I ace every test, I am top of my class, I can play multiple instruments well, everything I try I can learn to do very quickly, but I don’t feel proud of myself for any of that

There is no “hooray, I did good” when I get 100% or “YAY this thing went well!!” When I don’t mess up a concert, or “yippie, I’m the best” there is never any sense of accomplishment or pride in anything that I do, but I cannot stop striving for perfection because that is what is normal to me

It does not matter that it’s of no emotional or mental benefit to me, it’s simply that in my mind, there is no room for subpar work, or failure, because when I experience anything aside from success, I DO feel angry at myself, but I wish that I was capable of feeling proud too.

Only experiencing the negative outcome of failure and never the positive outcome of success is part of this cycle, and I often wonder what it’s like to feel anything aside from the hollow acceptance that “this is how it should be” when I attain that perfection I strive for

[abyssmalpit-of-stuff]

In my opinion, being schizoid is the most “rebellious” and “rejecting” of society and the nature of humans out of all personality disorders.

Society is founded on community and human beings are constantly said to be social creatures. To excel in society, you need to have connections and wisdom that comes with interaction and experience.

When your emotions are so stunted, your interest in people little to none, your circle practically non-existent… you reject the very foundation of what society is built upon and hence everything else within it. You don’t even have it in you to try and curate a circle of friends, even if for manipulative selfish purposes of using them and excelling ahead, because you’re just not interested. You just don’t have that in you. Little to nothing seems to interest you.

Your life has become a masquerade of pretending to be someone you’re not, feel something you don’t. If people even begin to notice what you really are, you’re labelled a “weirdo”, “freak”, “creep”, “loner”, “loser who can’t make friends”, “scary”.

[abyssmalpit-of-stuff]

Constantly conflicted because I don’t want to hurt people with my true feelings but I also fucking hate masking. Sometimes I hate the people closest to me and I wanna stop acting like I don’t but I know I’ll regret it later if I cause any hurt feelings. I’m probably better off alone but I don’t know how to get rid of the people attached to me. I don’t want to hurt them but it’s for their own good that they just go away. They’re not going to do that on their own though which means I’d have to cut them off. Idk. Schizoid personality disorder gives me the most trouble out of everything I have, I wish I was normal

Everyone thinks schizoids are people who just hate being around other people and hate every aspect of relationships and I fucking wish. Instead we get this idiotic flip-flopping between hating people and feeling lonely. I wish I could fucking pick one and have it stay that way forever