acnextdoor

[acnextdoor]

Black

I don’t like wearing black colors unless it’s our V polo shirt. I avoid wearing that color at home. If I’m wearing a black outfit, I pair it with other colors. 

But now, I have to wear a black clothing.

News outlets didn’t lie when they said it’s hard to grieve in this time of pandemic. I’m compelled to stay at home and meditate on what happened. I can’t travel to some place where I can meditate without distractions. 

I’m trying to write even though I’m so lonely tonight. I’m writing as a form of escape from what happened. Sometimes, I wonder how writers try their best to put their thoughts into words without breaking a sentence. 

I’m sorry to my Ate if I don’t know how to write obit for you. I have wrote obits for others but I don’t know how to write for you. All I can think of is the memories that we shared. 

Thank you for taking care of me since I was young. Thank you for all the efforts you have done for us. 

(to be continued)  

[acnextdoor]

Hello, first blog post for 2021.

Lately, I'm busy with schoolworks, V tasks, BTS and TXT comebacks in the coming months, and most importantly taking good care of our health.

Few months ago, I felt really sad when I wasn't promoted as editor. Wew. Now, the EB now thinks I am capable of being a head in our extra-ed events. It's fulfilling but also draining to accomplish these tasks assigned to me. But I guess I am just trying my best to survive this.

And also... Matcha still seems nice to me, but I don't want to have a crush on him again. I just hope he is ok with everything that he's doing.

I guess one of the main reasons why I want to use this blog (again) so that I can have a medium to unwrap my thoughts.

There's just so many musings that I can talk about that I feel shy to share on other social media.

I feel sleepy now good night. Lol

[acnextdoor]

overwhelmed

because of school

[acnextdoor]

awkward

imagine talking to your ex-crush after idk 8 months then suddenly you realized that he knows the issue. He knows the issue that happened a year ago! Shame on me for really talking to him anonymously on Instagram. It still haunts me to this day. It was the (first) dumbest thing I did after I turned 20. 

I’m so sure that he hasn’t forgotten that incident. I’m bothered because I feel like he remembers that issue whenever he talks to me on messenger. UGH. It’s no doubt that he thinks I had a crush on him last year because of that issue. It’s really awkward. 

JEH, I’m sorry. Let’s face it, it’s awkward that it happened. But I guess I’ll just write better next time. You’re the editor now and I’m still stuck at being a writer (who is supposed to be an editor if only those people knew me better).

Sigh, I’m relieved that I get to write on this blog again.

[acnextdoor]

Nov. 20, 2020 I'll never forget this day. So many harsh moments. First, I wasn't selected as editor. It's such a shame to think that they didn't see my potential. How many times do I have to prove to people that I have leadership skills? Do they always think me as some vulnerable girl who isn't capable to be a leader? Why in the world do they even questioned my editing skills? I should've bragged my achievements during the interview. Honestly, it's not in my personality to brag because I am a humble person. But the next time they questioned my abilities as a writer and potential editor, I'll brag to them my achievement. I've been a campus journalist for half a decade. I've gone through hardships in my writing career. I have cried so many times because I always doubted my abilities and compared my insecurities to others.

I still despise them for not selecting me as an editor. It's still unbelievable to think I'm still a writer. I'm not belittling writer, but I know in my heart that I am really capable to edit articles.

You know what's ridiculous? I edited an article of someone who just got promoted an editor. WTF. It's so ironic and frustrating.

I had to fake a smile to go through this day. I thought I was going to enjoy the - night, but I didn't.

Is it worth to still stay in -? It's been a year already. A part of me believes that the workplace is not fun anymore. Am I still growing in this organization? Who are the people who's stopping me to grow and hone my passion? Do I still even have a support system in -? Are these people just trying to reassure me that I'll be fine? Honestly, I'm not. Nov. 21 Fudge, I'm having a hard time in writing an article. I hate it here. I'm lacking motivation and I don't know how to pull this off.

[acnextdoor]

On my 21st birthday, I slightly expected my former crush to greet me.

But he didn't! I already knew it. Maybe if we were still chatting in —, he would have swiftly send me a short birthday greeting. If he's in a good mood, he would've ask me what I would do on my birthday.

Yet here I am, overthinking these scenarios. Maybe if I wasn't mean to him almost a year back, he could've greeted me on my 21st birthday.

For some reason, I even had second thoughts to chat him in — a few hours ago. It's crazy to think how I still want some attention from him even though I knew in my heart that I don't like him anymore.

I miss talking to him. I miss the conversations we had before I messed up.

Of all the days, I realized on my 21st birthday that I slightly still care for him. As much as I really want to say hi again on —, I can't. I am more afraid of the risks that might happen.

It's crazy how I am still afraid that he might unfriend me the minute I decided to bother him again. It's crazier to think I still care that he might unfriend even if I don't like him anymore.

We made a deal... he promised that we will stay remain friends on Facebook. But his promises are not predictable.

It's 1:41 a.m. I am still wondering why I still want to be updated with his life when he isn't updated with my life anymore.

We lived in two different paths. Two different professions.

After writing this reflection, I realized that I miss him.

UPDATE:

I sent him a message and told him that I hope he is okay. Prior to that, I reread some of our old messages.

I just hope he replies back. If not, then I just hope he doesn't do anyting terrifying.

[acnextdoor]

06172020

It's been years since I last wrote on this blog, and I am finally back.

Lately, I've been thinking about B/a/ngt/a/n's future. There's this one thing that is bothering me lately but I don't want to write the exact word that I'm thinking. Maybe if I look back on this note again years later... I'll probably cry because of it.

And so... I'm going to censor it.

-

Why is it hard for me to normalize —? I should've been prepared with this issue since I became an A/R/M/Y in 2017. I still get terrified whenever I see tweets or other posts about this issue. Maybe because I got to attached to them that I hardly picture them out —.

I'm sad because of this —

Whenever I think of —, my b/i/a/s, I always get terrified to see him —. I know at some point I'm going to cry all of these thoughts out... but I can't help it. He means so much to me that seeing him — will just make me feel down. I know it's pathetic; People will constantly remind me that, "but you're just a fan." But still, it triggers me knowing that one day, they'll get —.

I want them to be happy. But I think the way I'll accept these things are different from other fans.

I honestly wish that —. Can they just not — a —. It's gonna be complicated if this — goes viral.

I just hope that they're happy. I know they're getting old but they deserve this too.

(to be edited and I'll probably add more thoughts here soon)

[acnextdoor]

☹️

“Maybe I was destined to forever fall in love with people I couldn’t have. Maybe there’s a whole assortment of impossible people waiting for me to find them. Waiting to make me feel the same impossibility over and over again.”

— Carol Rifka Brunt, “Tell the Wolves I’m Home” (via se0ulstate0fmind)

[acnextdoor]

Still the same mantra

“I wish I could be more.”

— (via bl-ossomed)

[acnextdoor]

I just saw this again after a few years and I remembered Taetae. I'm aware that I should not feel this way to someone who I look up to. But wtf, this [odd] feeling is real. 😬

[acnextdoor]

It’s been 1 month and 2 weeks, B.

(credits to the one who wrote)

[acnextdoor]

I wonder if you greeted me on my birthday. If you silently said the words to youself, hoping that it will find a way to get to me. At times like this, I need your comfort. All this distractions just doesn’t work right. No amount of food, drink, or stuff can ever distract me from the situation that happened to us. Everything was all in wrong timing. But the timing was too hard to comprehend. I am still sorting out all this pieces, hoping that I can get a better understanding of it. How many times will I ask God about this situation? How many times will I ask Him for you to come back? But hey, I will wait for you. Even if the odds are against us. I will still wait for the right moment. I will still wait for the day that I’ll see you. And dear, I will embrace you so hard because I miss you for that long. And trust me, it will all be worth it in the end.

Post-birthday musing

[acnextdoor]

“I hope to see you one day in a much better place.” I never wanted you to leave this way. Well, in fact, I never wanted this to end. But have she told you? The day that she fell for him was the day that she realized that he is her soulmate. Back then, he knew where to find her. She never had to feel lost having the comfort of being found. They shared stories and told each other that there was so much more in this world that they needed to see. The very last thing on their mind was the possibility of ends. And just like that, he disappeared. Like vapor And she was left there Standing in the afterglow The pain still lingers up to this day. I feel lost. Every day, a part of me feels missing. You pulled my heart like the moon pulls on the sea that made me flow right back to you each and every time we crash apart. I can still feel the weight of all the things I should have said inside my chest, but there is no language complex enough in which I could say them. Some days, it truly feels like the world has turned and left me. To think how things have changed if I really let myself take the time to look at it, it hurts. To reminisce our little happy times that once existed in this world. To the yesterdays that we can no longer go back to. It is then I knew, I could never live up to you, not even by far. There’s only so much a heart can take when it’s not hardened for the battle. I don’t regret the time I spent with you. I regret letting the time ruin us. When the burden is too much but the world around you is in fast-paced. So you have to exhale worries in tears but only have the obligation to be silent. The truth is, it’s never going to be enough. It’s just a circulation. When you breathe out, you have to be particular that the sobs don’t interfere. You do this over and over again until it’s your memory that exhausts. But what else can you do? It’s the only option lain upon you. It’s the only thing you knew. I only realize I too was alive when I lost you. We are not who we thought we were. We were left in a far-fetched pacing we could not cope. But that doesn’t mean that we were lying. We were just confused and finding ourselves. We were just discovering the parts of ourselves that had dozed in the lost and found for too long. Frankly, what hurts me are not that we end up getting from trying, but rather the truth that we have offered even those spares that we weren’t supposed to yet failed to survive. We recklessly finished creating something we cannot discern ourselves. So what is left, besides just moving forward away, to hopefully find a better vantage point so things suddenly become clear or at least a place where the fog is somewhat thinner. But right now, we’re just two souls, lost in a world that’s not our own. We will try again, in a few days, months, or years. Someday, God will rekindle our friendship. The world will then bring us back together and be much kinder to us soon.

Vapor

[acnextdoor]

I’m just an early draft my lines can still be erased Softly smudged at the edges I am hardly defined Make the marks a little starker, the boundaries a little clearer Shed a light on the vagueness to brighten the shadows With a little while and a little time Maybe one night I’ll manage to make my lines clear as day.

@makingmywaves (via makingmywaves)

[acnextdoor]

Things would be so much easier if I could just switch off what I feel for you. I want to be able to say “I don’t like you that way” and actually mean it. I want us both to be able to do our own thing and for it not to bother me. To not be bothered about where you are, who you’re with, what you’re thinking. I want to be able to let go and not feel like I’m missing a part of me. Most of all, I just want you to want what I want. But I don’t see that happening.

I Want / Unrequited Love (via writingllama)

[acnextdoor]

“You will fall in love with train rides, and sooner or later you will realize that nowhere seems like home anymore.”

— Shinji Moon

[acnextdoor]

Because once you hear something, you can never return to the time before you heard it.

Jonathan Safran Foer; Everything Is Illuminated (via sunsetquotes)