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[actualconversation]

This week I’m joined by the mahvelous Ethan Fixell who brings his gold in the form of being an adult. We go off the rails a lot but it’s a ton of fun. Enjoy!

THIS WEEK’S MISSION: Change your phone background to something that reminds you to be present

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An Update

Hi everyone,

As most of you have probably noticed, I haven't posted to ActualConversation in over a year. As much as I loved maintaining the site, I had to retire it due to time-consuming commitments to various other projects.

While at this time I have no plans to bring it back (but hey, you never know!), I still continue to actively post all sortsa fun updates and articles at EthanFixell.com. If you haven't already, please click HERE to follow me there and receive any potential site updates.

You can also SUBSCRIBE to my email list, and I'll send you sweet nuggets of love once every month or so.

Thanks so much for your support!

-Ethan

[actualconversation]

An Actual Conversation with a Lesbian at a Trade Exhibition

Ethan:  (approaches very masculine woman with an exhibitor's pass that says "Everdyke")  Excuse me, I have to ask:  What does your company, Everdyke, do?

Woman:  That's not a company.  It's my last name.

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An Actual Conversation with Hunter's Two-and-a-Half-Year Old Daughter

Submitted by Hunter

Elmo (voiced by Two-and-a-Half-Year-Old):  Come on, Monkey!  We go school!

Monkey (voiced by Mom):  We’re going to school?  Fun!  What happens at school?

Elmo (Two-and-a-Half-Year-Old):  Make a friends!

Monkey (Mom):  That’s right! You get to make friends at school.  What else happens at school?

Elmo (Two-and-a-Half-Year-Old):  Boys!

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An Actual Conversation With My Comedy Partner About William and Kate's Baby

Dave:  I need to come up with a Tweet about William and Kate's baby.

Ethan:  I'll help you.

Dave:  Something about a "royal placenta?"

Ethan:  What about a red carpet coming out of Kate's vagina...

Dave:  "The baby of Kate Middleton...will have a great little grin!"

Dave's Cousin:  It's frightening that you guys actually do this for a living.

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An Actual Conversation with a Homeless Sax Player on the L Train

Submitted by Alex

Homeless Sax Man:  (sights hot girl)  Hey, girl.  I'd like to satisfy all your wildest carnival desires.

Hot Subway Girl:  (promptly departs)

Alex: ...Did you mean "carnal?"

Homeless Sax Man:  (ignores and starts playing saxaphone)  Ladies and gentlemen, if you give me some money, then I will STOP PLAYING.

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An Actual Conversation with my Fiancée In Belgium

Ethan:  (sighting a graffiti penis on a wall)  Oh, oh... you gotta take a picture of me with this.

Fiancée:  No, that's disgusting.

Ethan:  Come on!

Fiancée:  ...And immature.

Ethan:  Please, I need to post it on Facebook for my friends!

Fiancée:  That's why I don't want to take it.

Ethan:  (gets in position)  Real quick, let's go!

Fiancee:  (takes photo)  Ugh.  There, are you happy?

Ethan:  (looks at pic on camera)  Very.

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An Actual Conversation with My Girlfriend's 4-Year-Old Niece

4-Year-Old Niece:  Bonjour.

Ethan:  Why, hello!  Do you know any other French?

4-Year-Old Niece:  I'm terrified.

Ethan:  (totally confused)  ....Why are you terrified?

4-Year-Old Niece:  It's "scared" in French.

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An Actual Conversation with my Mom About Hard Rock

Brother:  I've seen Nine Inch Nails live before.

Ethan:  Which tour?

Brother:  For "The Slip."

Mom:  (out of nowhere)  You mean Slipknot?

Ethan:  No, Mom, not -- 

Mom:  They're HORRIBLE.

Ethan:  ...And....why is that?

Mom:  They're SO hardcore.

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An Actual Conversation with a Diamond Dealer While Shopping For an Engagement Ring

Dealer:  So we're going with this ring?

Ethan:  Yeah, it's -- (cell phone buzzes)  Ha, what a coincidence.  Just got a text from my girlfriend.

Dealer:  What'd she say?

Ethan:  She's talking about TV.  She said, "Bachelor finale tonight!"

Dealer:  (stares at Ethan)  Truer words have never been spoken.

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An Actual Conversation with My Mom About An Idea for a Restaurant

Mom:  Ethan -- I thought of the worst possible name for a seafood restaurant.

Ethan:  ...And what would that be?

Mom:  "Sphincter Mussels!"

Ethan:  Oh, Jesus.

Mom:  I think it's so funny!

Ethan:  (starts typing into phone)

Mom:  No...Don't write this down for your website.  Please...  You know what?  I'm just not gonna talk anymore.

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An Actual Conversation with my Girlfriend About Personal Hygiene

Girlfriend:  I don't want to shower tonight.

Ethan:  Did you shower this morning?

Girlfriend:  No.

Ethan:  Ew, that's gross.  You can't not shower everyday.

Girlfriend:  Says who?

Ethan:  That's the common standard!  Everyone showers once a day. 

Girlfriend:  Not homeless people.

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An Actual Conversation with my Brother About Online Dating

Ethan:  So?  How did my messages to those OKCupid chicks go?  Did I get you any responses as your ghost writer?

Andrew:  Dude, you "guaranteed" an 80% response rate.

Ethan:  And...

Andrew:  And only ONE girl wrote back.

Ethan:  Well, we only went after girls who reply "very selectively".... Give it some time.

Andrew:  No.  Forget it.  You're a sham.  You're like the Bernie Madoff of online dating.

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An Actual Conversation with a Manhattanite Friend After Partying in Brooklyn

Ethan:  Man, that bar we went to in Brooklyn last night was great.

Friend:  Yeah, dude.  Girls in poorer neighborhoods are sluttier.

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An Actual Conversation with Andrea's 6-Year-Old Son about Her Birthday

Andrea:  Today is my birthday!  

6-Year-Old-Son:  How old are you, Mom?

Andrea:  I'm 50.

6-Year-Old-Son:  (to a stranger)  My Mom doesn't look a day older than when she was 49.

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An Actual Conversation with My Family While Sharing a Hotel Room in Salt Lake City

Ethan:  I can't believe I volunteered to sleep on this thing.  This pull-out sucks.

Andrew:  Have fun on that tonight, while I'm in my regular human-bed.

Ethan:  And this blanket -- it's disgusting.

Dad:  (half asleep already, mumbling)  Maybe you should blacklight it for semen stains.

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An Actual Conversation with Scott's Mom About the Internet

Submitted by Scott

Mom:  I wasn’t able to load contacts into my email, and the computer started running really slow, so I called Outlook and they helped me out.

Scott:  You called "Outlook?"

Mom:  Yep, Microsoft Outlook.  They walked me through the problem.  Turns out that people are getting onto my…not my Scottrade account…but onto my internet.

Scott:  Your "internet?"  Do you mean your network?

Mom:  I’ve seen them outside, parked.  We’re getting all of their viruses.

Scott:  Wait, but -- you don’t even use Outlook.

Mom:  I used to use Firefox...

Scott:  Fire.... Mom, that’s totally different. Firefox is a web browser. Outlook is email software. And you may have called Microsoft, which is a company.  All unrelated.

Mom:  Did I do something wrong?

Scott:  No, you didn't do anything wrong.  You’re just not using the right words and as a result, this is making no sense.

Mom:  (long pause)  Is it because of the people getting onto my internet?