addyangelis - Tumblr blog

[addyangelis]

Tired of my own incompetency

Angry at my non-existent diligency

Bones are hurting from all of the days i couldn't move

This chest pain eats a hole inside me and I can't no longer breathe

But there are still things I need to prove

To you mainly, but I can't even move my teeth.

So I'm getting up from the grave i decorated

With all of these confessions i always fucking hated

I don't need any love donated, cause I always feel baited in these spiderwebs of confusion you put up on me unknowingly

And the labels and words you couldn't really see

They're living rent free in my head

Can't kick them out, I love them too much

The perfect film scenes of what we could be

They're swimming in my stomach

Cause I still hope, I STILL HOPE

I could be the coolest man, your crush

But there's no way my glasses are clean

I can't see any leaf, but yesterday you did leave one for me to read

But that was when my glasses could see.

Messy looks became my statement

Cause I can't simply put up with what nature created

If the numbers are right this time

And the clock is working smoothly

Is it waste if i cry

The last drops of water

my dehydrated body has to offer?

If yes, I can compromise, and whisper you the secret to your ears soothly

But instead I'm here

Screaming in whispers

Cause not knowing

Is deadly for my brain

But it would be too scary

To share these thoughts with you

So I'm doing it with song, honey

that's what I always do.

[addyangelis]

Close enough

Your eyes are piercing the way to my heart

I find the color familiar

like the stars I'm under

You're the most interesting piece of art

Even if their shine is not close enough

It feels like I've known them for ages

And been through all of their stages

Of change

It's strange and tough

Grab a knife and carve it into my soul if i lie

You're the one I think of when looking at the sky

For your smile and all the butterflies I could die

I can reach you even if I'm not close enough

I wonder if the sensations you hold for him

Will ever fade away

I wonder if your phrases have been meant in the same way

You pumped my heart back to life this May

When my life fell apart , I was just a stray

I want to become one with every particle of yours in the most beautiful way I can think of

I'm just waiting for the signal from the heavens above

If I don't receive a certificate about making it into your heart

I'll repeat the process, hope it won't tear me apart

Tell me if I'm being strange, it won't surprise me

every shadow and molecule of you I want to see

I can't switch this off anymore, it's a feeling I can't leave

You're arriving in my head before I try to sleep

[addyangelis]

I thought people would never surprise me in this way again, and if they would, i wouldn't be really surprised.

But people can be such a complicated creatures, hiding undercover as a friend, being there for you, giving you everything they can, just to destroy it later and breaking your heart so much, you don't trust people again. And you must start all over again, if you're able to try. Again and again.

I can't accept this sick thoughts you have of me. For how many years, i ask you, did you have these in your head?

If you think you're worth to be an expection, that's a terrible thought process you have going on inside.

Maybe it would make some sense, if you were dropped on your head, but your words speaks volumes, and i simply can't mute them and pretend they don't scream inside my delicate brain.

It's not all in my head, when the red colors flashes right to my eyes. I would even raise a flag for you, if I had one. But in a very negative way.

This is making me so unwell. If i smoked, I'd be smoking dozens of cheap cigarettes. If i had some money. Don't mind me, I just crave living of monster beverages and the medication that's totally making me paranoid, right? Like, your not gaslighting me or something, it's 100% only in my head, man.

Maybe you think it's rough. Pointless. Evil.

But I shouldn't be sorry for someone who admitted to being it true.

I had you in my contacts as a "family member", because i try to have a better relationship with the word "family", since my parents destroyed and distorted my perception of what it means to be a family.

What a shame you're just like them.

What a shame.

If you don't want to be perceived as a wolf in a sheep's clothing by me, then why you're feeding on me?

Am i just a stupid sheep who didn't realized sooner? Or did i just refused to see it?

Why all of these nice things, when in the end, you knew it's gonna end bad?

I won't fall for this again. I lived many years with wolves under one roof, yes. But you can't break me, you can't tame this sheep, to be a silly puppet to play with.

No, no, no...

I don't want this anymore. I don't.

I want this fucking circle to be over already. It's following me everywhere I go.

Why you people just can't be decent?

It's scary to befriend someone, only to realize they have a mask. And under the mask, is maybe a traumatized person, who decided to be just like their abuser.

But doing something to someone, because of what someone else has done to you, doesn't excuse you.

It's dire, my time today.

[addyangelis]

At least I have my pusheen plushie.

[addyangelis]

I'm so scared I don't know where I'm going, hopefully it's the right direction.

My stomach hurts so much I might throw up. I have a heart palpitations and trouble breathing.

I don't know it here, where am i going?

I'm weak and hungry too.

Why wait six hours when I can eat all three of them, right? Wrong.

Creepy guys around here.

I'm so scared, i hate traveling alone!

This day should be beautiful and bright

It was, but it became ugly and nightmarish fast.

[addyangelis]

Suddenly I can't understand many things

Why am I here alone?

Where is.. Where am i, where is my teddy bear when I need him the most?

Why is my tummy in pain, I don't want to throw up. It's my nightmare.

Where am I supposed to go?

Where is my home?

Do I have a mommy?

What those words mean?

Is this a bus or tram?

Why is everyone so loud and why everyone looks at me?

Am I supposed to meet somebody here?

Did i lost my parents?

Should I call an ambulance?

I'm incapable of doing anything

I'm lost, I don't know anybody and I definitely have some memory issues.

I'm so confused. I don't know how to get home. I don't know where my home is.

Oh no, the sun is vanishing.

[addyangelis]

Worst May of Child's life.

So much has changed.

I just got lost, and i don't know the way home.

Actually I know the way

But I'm not allowed to go there.

I can't go on my own

I'm literally paralyzed

My body is in agony

The ticks had me hypnotized

So much I would jump of off my balcony

I need your assistance

Like it has always been

But I wouldn't stand your presence now

Because I could disappoint you again

So I'm sitting, scared and lonely

Hiding under my glasses

Waiting what new could life possibly show me

I'm actually very ashamed

So sick, I began to write a letter

Another bus, and I'm late

How someone like me, can get better?

So I'm sitting, writing "poems" and shits

And I have a few hours to fill

Keeping my emotions hidden under the lids

And I'm paying that bill.

Lost in a very loud world

Creepy people looking at me

Sitting, my neck bend and curled

They don't like what they see

Can someone help?

Maybe someone could, but I have a hard shell.

Not really saying that someone actually would.

The worst May of my life.

The smell of pollen is actually good.

May can't be the time of love.

It isn't as nice as it looks.

Three hours passed by the pain of ticks

I can't really stand on my feet

In my stomach I can feel the disgusting kicks

By the inner child in me.

Dreams can't be forever

But today, we should arrive home together.

[addyangelis]

[addyangelis]

and all i felt was cold tears on my warm body. sweating, under the blanket, i cried, holding my teddy bear to soften the pain inside me, and the physical one too.

what happened, you ask? well...

often i'm misunderstood.

and i'll always get very emotional and hurt.

Hurt to the point i physically feel it and just can't breathe, can't move, because every inch of me is burning and hurting. so i just lay there like a corpse, not moving a single muscle, and i just cry till i collapse.

i didn't, yet.

07:07, morning.

oh yeah, i did...

so you wake up, and you realize, you got a lot better, you're not shaking anymore, you're just pretty much calm.

but then you truly realize what had happened. you can't believe that...so you go and convince yourself...not only that...you see, that it's gotten worse and turned against you and your feelings.

so what am i supposed to do, you may ask?

well, i'll do what every normal person should do in these situations...

cry and collapse.

[addyangelis]

"they don't know how angel truly feels

they cry glitter tears

dealing with their own fears

while still fighting for peace"

but they do

[addyangelis]

star shopping.

Look at the sky tonight, all of the stars have a reason

A reason to shine, a reason like mine and I'm fallin' to pieces.

[addyangelis]

porcelánová panenka v domě ze skla.

Prázdno.

Připadám si jako porcelánová panenka.

Křehká. Na některých částech těla je už znát nenávratné poškození materiálu. I přes to všechno jsem se upravila, učesala, oblékla, poslední tři kapky parfému jsem použila a lehla jsem si zpátky do postele, protože tam prý patřím. Stejně jako panenky do vitríny.

Jsem porcelánová panenka a žiju v domě ze skla. Mezi čtyřmi stěnami, je tu všechno bílé, prázdné, tiché a hlavně křehké. Stejně tak i krabice ve které si mě koupili a ve které mě také brzy odvezou pryč. Jsem sice kvalitní, ale rok výroby už neodpovídá době.

Panuje tady totiž jedna zvláštní "hra". Pravdila se často mění, součástí hry je, přijít na to, jaká jsou. Ale dneska jsou víc než jasná. Tvářím se zdravě, se svazkem květin v ruce, nedávám najevo ani jednu sebemenší změnu. Porušíš jedno z pravidel, sklo praskne a může ti ublížit.

Ani zdi mi nezabrání. Sedmikrásky, kopretiny, slunečnice, a samozřejmě, vlčí mák, pevně svírám v dlani, doufajíc, že tohle všechno brzo skončí.

Snažím se to ticho přehlušit. Dnes už se neposlouchá Joy division a stránky deníčků se prý také už nepopisují. Jde vidět, že úplně nezapadám mezi dnešní barbies. Neukážu svůj prázdný vzhled, když mám stovky lepších emoji k nabídnutí. Pravdou je, že jsem jen rozbitá porcelánová panenka, s cotardovým syndromem.

Přemýšlí někdo vůbec? nebo jsou všichni na levlu robotických panenek? A do které kategorie vlastně patřím já?

Je jen otázkou času, kdy se mě někdo opět dotkne, a moje drahá krása se celá rozpadne a zboří se mnou i celý skleněný domek.

Je jen otázkou času, kdy se mě někdo opět dotkne a zanechá to šrám na porcelánové duši.

Nikdy jsem na sobě neměla obal s nápisem "try me".

Nejsem na hraní, ani na ozdobu. Jsem jedna z těch panenek, jedna z mála, které mají srdce.

Tak mi prosím, neubliž.

-prásk-

[addyangelis]

❤ please don't cry

you're wasting your time ❤

[addyangelis]

jsem nic.

jsem nic.

a nikdy nebudu víc.

jen ty dobré věci jsou vidět

a ty špatné přehlíženy jsou

život je pomíjivý

máme málo času

nechceš se přidat

k mému hlasu.

chceš se přidat

k těm hezkým chvilkám

čím víc si blíž tomu špatnému

tím vzdálenější jsi

vzdálenější k jiným holkám.

k jiným lidem

k jiným zvykům

s jiným cílem

jsem tvé publikum.

tiše sleduju ten film

když se ocitnu ve stavu šumu

ale hlasitě obdivuji

výsledky tvého talentu a umu

ona nebo já?

je lepší?

naplňuje tě víc?

já jsem nic.

a nikdy nebudu víc.

odebírám se do temných ulic

slyším zvuky ze silnic.

slyším vrzání železnic.

ráda bych ti setřela slzy z líc

ale odebere se za jinou.

ta mé slzy

utře

ta mé ruce prodře

ta mi způsoby úzkostí v břiše.

akorát trochu jinak.

a tebe to taky čeká.

ta má mě udělá rychleji.

ta tvá pomaleji.

sežere ti vnitřnosti zažíva.

přesto se ti z ní podlamují kolena.

je víc

a já jsem nic.

jsem jen tělo bez duše

nabodaná na kuše

tam kde nikdo nechodí

tam kde se duše narodí.

tam kde je plno smutku

tam kde se lidé oddávají zármutku.

ale byla jsem víc.

nebyla jsem nic.

už je příliš pozdě

[addyangelis]

glitter tears.

they see me as an angel.

perfect non-human entity

they say

"i'm their only flash of color"

though i'm just a stranger

with no identity

they say

"without you, life would be much duller!"

they don't know how angel truly feels

they cry glitter tears.

dealing with their own fears.

while still fighting for peace.

[addyangelis]

my cure.

"you need to fall in love in order to be happy"

The green dot became my euphoric sensation.

"in order to grew your wings"

How can a simple green dot make you smile, you may ask ?

"in order to fly again"

it's the person who is behind the green dot.

"and not to fall from the bridge"

[addyangelis]

Suicide season.

It makes sense.

Everything is dying, flowers are drying out, hair and skin of trees are falling down, only their skeletons are doing great in this blue cold state.

But only few of the most strongest flowers and trees are surviving this season. Some of them will give up, some of them, well, they carry on.

Some of them will make it.

And some of them will die, but rise again from their infinite energies to live again.

It's a cycle. But nobody ever truly dies.