adventuresincupiddating

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Seriously?

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Moving home. Looking for permanence.

Just moved back to my hometown and have started seriously dating again. 

I have been on at least ten dates. 

1 League Date (Mechanical engineer)

(I don’t understand the league and I’m not sure anyone actually uses it.)

5 Hinge Dates (Architect, Amazon coder, Medical Intern, Research assistant, Accountant)

4 ok cupid dates (Engineer, business something or other guy, amazon coder, nurse)

I have three first dates scheduled for next week. (Accountant, videographer, and nonprofit manager)

And then I’m meeting up with a guy I’ve been seeing for a few weeks now. He made the mistake of getting shitfaced and then inviting me over. It sucks because I really enjoy spending time with him, but him stumbling drunk and drunkenly slurring how much he likes me, how much that scares him, and how he’s sure I’m going to hurt him “like all the other bitches” was a lot. He also went back and forth between telling me I should be dating a doctor and talking about how women only date him for how cool his job is. I lost a lot of respect for him.  

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The LEAGUE

Joined the league and which touts itself as an “elite dating app”.

It took me about 2 weeks to get off the “waitlist” (is it actually real? Or fabricated to get people to think they are really joining something special?). During this time they want you to have already downloaded their fucking app on your phone and check it once a day to see your waitlist status. 🙄 And you can skip the wait if you pay for it. After you’re off the waitlist you only get 4 possible matches a day.

I’ve been using it for a month? I’ve only matched with one person, but that’s the way it’s supposed to be- “selective”.

Anyway. I went on a date with this guy and he was nice! Friendly, charming, interesting. We met up at a bar and chatted for 4 hours. I invited him to a show I was going to with my friends that weekend. He had some friends in town and I told him to bring them along.

I ended up entertaining him and his friends the entire time. He was being really sweet, keeping his arm around my waist or touching my knees. It felt good. After the show I didn’t really check with my friends to see what they were doing. I thought everyone was splitting up so I went with him and his friends back to his house and we played cards against humanity (which is not a game I like at all. It’s just an excuse to be say things that violate social norms/is kinda racist/homophobic all under the guise of “it’s just a game).

Afterward I went up to his room and we messed around and had sex and I slept over. In the morning he asked me what my plans were for the week, we made plans for Thursday and he drove me home.

I didn’t really hear much from him after but I tried not to let it bother me. He hadn’t really texted me much between the first date and the second, so I chalked it up to just not being a texter. Wednesday I texted him about our plans for Thursday and I got an enthusiastic “heck yes” and he said he’d pick me up at 6:45.

Thursday morning I received a text

“My apologies, but I think I need to step away. I’m pulling myself in too many directions right now and I need to focus on just a couple. I’m sorry for the abrupt note-to be sure this really is a case of it’s not you it’s me.”

I wrote a frustrated and hurt response in reply and my friends told me not to send it. It pissed me off, but also I’ve sent this same message to guys before too. Usually after a first date, but still. I’m still frustrated. I wish that I hadn’t slept over at his house, hadn’t had sex.

I slept with him because I thought this was going to move in a direction of getting to know each other.

I ended up responding with “hey, thanks for letting me know. I was excited about getting to know you. I think this is a good opportunity for both of us to evaluate how we communicate our intentions to other people. Best of luck.”

He responded “best of luck to you too.” And spelled my name wrong. 😑

I deleted his number, but I keep going through my head of different ways I’d like to tell him to go fuck himself.

I’ve realized I’m finding one night stands emotionally exhausting and I just can’t anymore. I’m so tired the next day and never get anything accomplished. So I feel like he took time from me that I could have been focusing on my friends but also the next day where I needed to be getting work done.

And I know my frustration isn’t just at him. It’s at myself. It’s that the way I date isn’t working for me anymore and I have to change. And that I was hoping he would get my mind off of the Australian guy, but it just made it worse.

So. New dating resolution, which has been a long time coming. No sex till the 4th or 5th date. Get to know someone, make sure they are actually interested in getting to know me, not just having sex. If this bothers guys, they can fuck off. I’m done wasting time and energy on people that don’t deserve it.

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The guy I’ve been sleeping with from school has on multiple occasions told me:

“If we had more time...”

“If we were moving to the same city after graduation...”

“If I could afford to move to your city...”

...he would definitely want to date me and give us a chance.

I think he thinks this is foreplay. But I would 100% not be hooking up with him if our school were not in the middle of nowhere and if our cohort were not mostly women. 

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Casual Dating

After a few months of "casual dating" I have concluded that casual dating is giving your time to people you normally wouldn't, but your options are so thin that you keep doing it anyway. All of the guys I have gone on second dates with I would never have gone on second dates with if I were in a bigger city with more date options. 

Am I doing this right?

I went on my third date with Escape Room Guy and decided to not try to fix silences by asking him questions about himself. I just started a new term at school and was kind of waiting for him to ask me what classes I’m taking... but he never did. 

He’s been driving over an hour to come see me and mentioned that I should come out to his neck of the woods. I smiled and laughed while thinking, “I am not doing a 2-hour round trip drive for mediocre conversation and decent sex.” He’s also kind of a sloppy kisser, so I’m happier sticking around my neck of the woods. 

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Wild Night

I went on a tinder date while I was home visiting family. Nice guy, very attractive, recent law school grad. We met for drinks and we having fun talking when some guys at the bar joined in on our conversation. They joined in in a friendly playful way that wasn’t creepy. We all ended up talking and had a fun banter going. One of the guys bought us a round of shots and then it got close to time for me to leave to meet up with my friends to go dancing. The guys all decided they wanted to go dancing too, called an Uber to take us to the venue, and convinced my date that the dance place was super low pressure and a lot of fun.

My date hadn’t had dinner yet and we were early so we went to a bar nearby to get him some food. Unfortunately, his food took so long to arrive we missed the lesson and ended up not going dancing. But we still had fun hanging out at the bar.

Basically it ended up being a ridiculous night of new friends and goofiness. He and I ended up making out at the end of the night and talking for a while. He was incredibly hot and had an interesting life story, but his personality was kind of meh. We still exchanged numbers and I might see him when I get back, but I don’t see things going anywhere serious.

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“People grow when they are loved well. If you want to help others heal, love them without an agenda.”

— Mike McHargue (via purplebuddhaquotes)

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Matching on Tinder with guys from school

I matched on tinder with a guy from school at the beginning of the summer. We’ve hooked up a few times. I can’t tell if he’s a douche or actually anxious about becoming attached (he initially cut things off saying he was worried he’d fall in love with me).

We text and he never asks about me. Ever. And I can’t parse out why I let this slide when I would never let it slide with a real tinder match.

I’m also very aware of the fact that the only reason we’re hooking up again is because I told him about a tinder date I went on and he got jealous.