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Behind the scenes of Pans Labyrinth

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— Baek Se-hee, I Want to Die But I Want to Eat Tteokbokki

excerpt: i’m sad, but i’m alive, and living through it. / that is my solace and my joy. 

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In my garden; a field of Cecilia, there your silhouette remains. Haunting my grove of peace, although you are no longer here- the stain of red you left does not seem to dissipate.

A new batch of Cecilia grows but your silhouette remains, still.

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I want to stop, but it's hard... because I really do love him, even after all this time my heart still beats for him everytime I see him or hear his voice... I want to move on for the sake of Me, but the heart is not budging. He has already moved on and has admitted that he already has- days after we stopped talking and yet here I am Hoping, Waiting, Praying that he'll reach out and say "Let's give this another go."

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hanna kim

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Frustration

You admitted the things you need to work on yourself but despite knowing,,, You chose to leave. 

The promises I made to you are nothing but history. I wanted to be there and grow with you.

To you.

 my piece whom I cared dearly- tell me honestly, did you really care about me?

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𝓨𝓞𝓤

YOU who captivated my glance with just your presence, YOU who peaked my interest with an alluring gaze- YOU to whom my heart beats of each second It’s YOU who I dare not forget. The piece whom I sought to be mine, Will this really be the end of our design? I love you in many ways than one yet not realizing giving too much has asphyxiated you. 

Je t'aime toujours, I'll let time take it's hold on my heart once more. (C.C.F.M)

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You

YOU who captivated my glance with just your presence

YOU who peaked my interest with an alluring gaze

YOU to whom my heart beats of each second

It’s YOU who I dare not forget. The piece whom I sought to be mine, Will this really be the end of our design? 

I loved you in many ways than one yet you dare not accept my hand because of fear cradling you in it’s arms, did I not offer you my being or was I just giving you too much that it asphyxiate your trust in me.

Je t'aime toujours, my mooncake. (C.C.F.M)

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I'm so inlove with you that I scream my deepest desires to the stars and the universe so I could be with you until we grow old. I love you so much that it makes me cry not from guilt, but I cry because I fear of losing you.

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In a universe full of stars, I'd rather be the space that exists on its own pace. Greetings and salutations to you all. I am Khail Yu Gomez, An aspiring Creative who is a bit sus, because I preach Art but still questions it's practicality and for that I am a wuss. I'm also younger than 100 but older than 5. I am an introverted person who seldom enjoys the accompaniment of others and yes it doesn't mean I'm a cold-hearted person. Well, Unless I lose my cool but fear not my fellow students I'm the kind of person who can control their emotions. HUH... speaking of "Their" my pronouns are they/them and I identify as a Non-binary who is also Queer. If you're interested to know about my artworks, all you need to know is that I always draw my emotions and that you may find my page depressing. YEAH, it has its own level of sensitivity. Before me myself and I retire from everyone's attention, I would like to share this poem.

You walk by in my dreams and I smile, because you no longer walk my realities. You're locked in my mind, Doomed forever to be a shadow.

We were not good. And I do not yearn as I thought I would. Memories of us haunt me they keep me locked in my own mind.

They're fuse to let me move, they show up at the worse times. Keeping me awake for hours. I hear their screaming.

Clawing at my insides, tearing me to pieces. Because what am I but a piece of myself after I gave my all to you. I'm stuck in a purgatory of my own creation.

I let you become a part of me and now I'm haunted. I feel stuck. There's no heaven but no he'll. Just memories of us.

Red lights, fishnets , warm skin, and your soft voice telling me everything I wanted to hear. All the lies I believed because they came from you.

I thought I could trust you. But here we are and it was all a lie. A quick rouse to get me in your bed. I bet I wasn't the only one and that I'm not the only one haunted

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I thought of him as my first and my last.

It was on the 4th week of august at exactly 12 pm, I was unaware that my life would change then and there. As the guy whom I’ll be calling as my partner had traits that I thought only straight guys possess. He has an interest in arts, gothic fashion and gave vague hints that he liked me.

“Hi, I really love your drawings.” He said with pure admiration.

I responded to him the same way as I would when people compliment me on my works. However, I felt as if something was brewing up in my chest - it was a feeling that I haven’t felt before. It was as if we had a connection. I had to go back to reality and dissociate from that emotion because, in the first place- we just met.

A few days have passed and he messaged me again but this time he bombarded me with questions about myself as if he doesn’t want me to go.

“Good morning :>” , “How are you?” , “Do you play games?” , “What games do you play?” , “What’s your favorite color?” , “Do you watch anime?” etc.

Naturally, I amused him because I didn't want to appear impolite. We spoke for several days, nights, and a week. then something unexpected happened.

“I like you, Ever since I saw your drawings and how cute you are as a person and how well you handle yourself the thought of you really sunk into me, that was when I slowly fell for you.” He was so firm, straightforward , and warm that I couldn’t sense any signs of lies.

“WHAT- I thought you’re straight?!” 

Echoes of confusion and happiness looped in my head saying “What the fudge?” 

His voice was deep - he didn’t show any signs of femininity. It was as if I was in a dream, I couldn’t imagine myself being able to pull someone who’s tall, handsome, smart, humorous , skilled, ambitious, talented , and over all an amazing person as him. I was in a temporary shock of disbelief. it took me a while to recover from that state.

Soon after, the feelings I’ve been holding back - came, flooding up my insides. and the words I thought I wouldn’t be able to say to someone because of my lack of confidence blurted out.

 “I like you too, Henderson. I love how honest you are about yourself, your personality and knowledge attracted me the most.” 

I remember feeling like my cheeks where going to burn, my heart bursting out from shock and happiness that I almost hyperventilated. the 5 second silence between the two of us, made it a little bit awkward that we couldn’t help but laugh at each other. he then proceeded to ask.

“Khail, I want to take you out on a date. will you accept my invitation?” with a crooked smile I replied “It would be my pleasure Mr. Henderson de Nicolas Reyes.” 

It took some time for us to adjust to the sensation. We were so focused on the concept of love rather than understanding what it truly is.

“Young love.” The bliss of the first and the ignorance it accompanies.

We did open about our traumas, pet peeves, likes and dislikes and our problems. But it turns out his secrets weren’t completely shared.

things went smoothly at first. Until we had our first fight. It was a matter of his sexuality that I felt so betrayed.

“I’m afraid that my parents would find out about us. I love you, I always will and I’ll always do. I just think that I haven’t thought about this well enough.” 

We forgot the most important aspect of love, which is to take things slowly and simply understand each other.

“So you’re saying you want to break up. is that it?” 

I became bitter because he already knows my traumas and he just disrespected me, his lover. It was an unacceptable act of betrayal for me but I didn’t want to let go because I love him. Instead of cursing him I talked with him and tried to solve the problem and at the same time I assured him even though what he said hurt me, deeply.

“I told you that you’re the first person I’ve opened my heart to, to the point where no family or bestfriend could even reach. You’re right beside the vulnerability of me.” Tears came flooding down my cheeks.  Because the person I love is confused whether or not he should be with a guy or a girl, the curse of bisexuals and insecurity.

Despite what happened, I chose to understand him. I was openly gay to everyone except to my family at a young age that I got used to being myself whilst He didn’t get to do that when he was a kid.

We where able to resolve the problem but things changed, I couldn’t bring myself to be sweet to him anymore because he hurt me to the point where I would start overthinking and crying at night.

It took awhile for things to bet better, I learned something important.

We rarely fight, most of which the fights are about misunderstandings and then we talk things out the same way as before and we felt more connected than ever. But alas things don’t last forever. A fight broke out between the two of us that lead to out break-up. 

One foolish thing I told him before we officially broke up is that “I will never fall in love with anyone else again.”

Our break up didn’t have any proper way of saying goodbye because he blocked me and wouldn’t show himself to me.

Those times where the hardest moments of my life, I couldn’t control my sadness to the point where I don’t feel hunger I just feel numb and broken. I was depressed and I lost weight ,After a few days my friend told me he had someone new. 

“How is it that it was so easy for him to move on while I’m still suffering. THAT’S NOT FAIR THAT’S NOT FAIR!!” I felt like something tore apart on my heart. It was so painful that all I could do is just cry. It was a heartstring.

A year has passed since then, I still haven’t moved on from that relationship. Henderson showed himself to me again and asked for my forgiveness. He regretted what he did to me because what he did came back to him ten fold. 

“It was at that moment I realized how lucky I was to have you and how stupid I was to let you go.”

I couldn’t help but feel happy because he finally got what he deserved. I was still holding on to the feeling that maybe we’ll get back together but as it turns out my heart cannot feel anything anymore.

In the present I’m slowly forgetting him and I’m grateful that he played a huge roll on helping me become a better person.

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on that hot summer day (1999)

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Yoshitaka Amano