afraid4dog

[afraid4dog]

There was a single mouse in my last apartment and multiple times people kept telling me to Kill him but he was really cute so I let him stay. He'd pop out from behind the stove to watch me and I'd leave him small pieces of cheese. One day I was about to go to sleep and found the mouse Dead in my sheets because the cat wanted to surprise me

[afraid4dog]

I grieve that I am a little drunk right now on Easter morning of all days. Jesus knows we have our vices. Is a drunk prayer worth a sober one? I don’t know. I don’t know. I know he looks on me with pity, as he does with all those lead astray.

[afraid4dog]

I could have followed you anywhere  You wouldn’t have cared You’d have laughed anyway, while I bled out at your feet I think that’s what you wanted I think I want that too. I can feel myself disappearing Everything around me is coming undone I don’t need to speak I just need to wait Wait for it all to fall apart And when it does when it finally breaks, I’ll be right there, holding my hands out for you Just like I always was I think about you when I’m alone, how it would’ve been, if I’d just been there— You wouldn’t care but I need you to I need you to know what I’ve become. How close I’ve come to your ghost I need to be everything you ever wanted me to be, even though you’re dead And I know what you want me to do.

[afraid4dog]

I want you to know I would've stood still would’ve let you level it at my chest just to see how you'd look doing it.

I'm Ill

You were the ending no one wanted to write. Now I click replay on shaky footage, mouth your words like prayers. I read your manifesto like it's scripture over and over Not because I believe it— but because it’s yours.

I know what you were I’m not stupid. You’d spit on me if you were alive. You’d make me kneel and laugh when I stayed down.

Sometimes I think I’m rotting toward you That each day I get stranger, closer to what you’d call “real.” I've done things I can't undo and hope it’s enough to make you proud.

[afraid4dog]

In my room I Read stories about boys who went too far Names I already knew, faces burned into forums and mugshots I looked at the pictures of what they did, not for the gore, they just look so dead, there's a silence in their eyes when they do it

Sometimes I make that face in the mirror

At school, I’m good I'm boring I’m good at being boring I walk slower in the halls then most I hold doors open Sometimes I even talk about God just to see who nods

It’s not hard. It’s just patience.

I think about it always, the part no one gets The part that keeps me warm Well, one got it

He was the only person who ever said something true to me, really the only one I didn’t want to lie to.

That scared me So I stopped showing up Blocked his number But I think about him all the time The way he didn’t flinch.

He still knows where I live

[afraid4dog]

I'm made for short hikes and making my own personal podcast on top of a mountain. Drinking and reading in the sun, staring at the fields and for the click of a 3€ Atomic lighter. It doesn't have fuel. Neither do I, but the fumes have carried and carry they shall. Top it off with Coke zero and run again. Stare at the wall. Do not let your grip slip. Squeeze harder. Squeeze harder, for every bit of strain the clock runs forward and there comes your saviour. 14.45.

Whatever you do, do not ever let go. Ever. Don't tell a soul. Let it fester.

[afraid4dog]

Welcome to my Poetry Side Blog!

About Me-

Male, Still in school, USA. HyperFix on the Columbine Massacre of 1999.

Account Information-

A Poetry Blog. Art Blog Is @art2flesh

This blog may contain sensitive themes. Art is meant to unnerve after all. I Write about my life.

Will be tagged with the Date Poem was written.

Month/Day/Year -> Jan 1st 24

Status- :)

[afraid4dog]

im wearing socks on top of socks no laces No belt No drawstrings Nothing I could hang myself with, they were very careful about that.

That girl's muttering to herself again, on Tuesday she pulled my hair really tightly when they gave me vitals

my eyes are down always Looked at my hands, they looked fine. Still there.

I used to count the ceiling tiles in the other place, there was a big crack above my bed in the other place but now I count my heartbeats. Slower lately! That’s the medication, they said, it’s good, you’re getting better

I'm eating again, wonder if they told Dad

Sometimes I wonder if they’d notice if I lied Sometimes I wonder if I am lying

I threw a chair at a girl yesterday.

[afraid4dog]

In my bed, I fold into corners. I write letters to no one in my mind My teeth click My hands twitch.

Somewhere, a dog is shot behind a shed Somewhere, a boy like me unbuttons his skin and walks away from it.

[afraid4dog]

I take it. I always take it.

my heart bleeds I’ve learned to polish myself like a boot, spit-shined waiting for your inspection, waiting to be saluted, or sentenced.

[afraid4dog]

There were four other boys at the table. One had his head down. One was humming something tuneless. One was staring right at me, blinking slow like he was underwater. None of it mattered. That’s all I could say about it.

It was morning, I liked to think The birds were back. Someone was yelling in the hall again. It was always morning I was always there I wondered if anyone would notice I wasn't

The meds would kick in soon. That heavy slide into drugged out quiet. The anger would come, the fatigue. Maybe I'll nap. Maybe I'll go to group. Maybe I'll keep seeing things that aren't there like George thinks I Do. Either way, no one would know. Either way, I'll keep it to myself.

I put my head down on the table Just for a second Just to stop being vertical

The hum of the lights swallowed me whole.

[afraid4dog]

They told me: hate what you are not. So I hated her, I said she is weakness. I said I hated her

women with their open mouths and dripping prayers, their hips like harvest, their eyes that knew.

I Told God: He answered with Recoil I called them serpents, with sticky hands, while my own itched to be soft. To be ruinous in the right way.

God watched: He said nothing Or maybe He said it all in the way he kept showing me my reflection in every Woman I ruined

she prays I Choke

[afraid4dog]

I Have an infection on my arm and it's all your fault Your eyes are so full and tired I've never met you but I Know i Don't think anyone else notices

They don’t see me writing your name on the back of my notebooks.

i know what happened i know what you did but i still hear your voice when the heater kicks on and no one else is home.

I write it down every night, in my skin On the soft part of my upper arm Just enough to remember just so I don’t forget I think it's all I’ve got left not a prayer or a curse i tell myself sucking In my teeth just a habit, just you

[afraid4dog]

I liked that boy

I told him I don’t feel love. He said,

Good. I kill things that beg

He bit first so I stayed.

Some nights he’d stare too long So I stared back We both had guns

Whatever this is— it doesn’t end.

[afraid4dog]

again again again you said

i don’t know which of us woke up first but i know we’ve been sharing the same dream for seventeen years

we share a skull we trade it back and forth you get the nights i get the mornings the days belong to the thing that watches us both

(i think it’s a cop, you think it’s a version of us from before we got split.)

maybe I've always been awake

[afraid4dog]

After That I started Keeping a notebook. Wrote down everything he said. Even the stuff that wasn’t about me actually Especially the stuff that wasn’t about me

Practiced keeping my face still started saying things that hurt started to say less. to stare longer.

He hasn’t said anything lately. I think that means I’m getting it right.

[afraid4dog]

A man built like July slow burning syruped in drawl and aftershave But A man. 

I was fourteen and thin as a lie, A boy only by accident Heat-stunned and hungry, you'd never catch me quiet

He called me boy,  and it blistered He touched my shoulder once—Brief as lightning, But I wore it for day Like a bruise or a kiss His touch stuck

They teach you to fear God, But not the men who smell like him.

He asked once, “You ever been in love?” I laughed into my cup— Too loud, I didn’t want him to see my face I had no idea what that word meant in my mouth

Was it love When you dream of his voice Saying your name the wrong way? Maybe I’m only capable of echo— He Clings thick to my skin