afterglowdiary

[afterglowdiary]

First dates and why I don't give a fuck about Bob Dylan.

I recently (January...) went on my first date. It was with a boy who had come from another school to play against my school's basketball team. He was scrawny and short, his hair was fluffy, and he had acne all over his face. He looked awkward and had no idea what he was doing on the court. I had to have him. I had never given a boy my number before; I had attempted once before and failed, so it took me the whole game to muster the courage to go up to him. I had a pink piece of paper in my pocket from god knows what that I'd meant to throw away at some point. I took my pen and wrote down my number and a little "call me" with hearts around it. Right after the game, a friend from the basketball team gave it to him, and I went home proud of myself for doing something so out of my comfort zone. He texted me the minute I got home, asking me what I looked like.

 I sent him a few pictures, ones I thought I looked good in. This text was followed by "___ disliked an image." I was so flabbergasted that I could only respond with "Oh okay." He immediately apologized, claiming it was an accident and he was on his friend's phone because his was dead. This was not a lie as he gave me his real number when his phone was charged. He asked to see me, he had come from a school out of state so if I didn't see him now I knew I never would've. He was still at my school to watch the girl's basketball game. I had never gotten dressed out of my school uniform and into clothes more quickly. My sock wasn't even properly on my foot, and my shoes were completely untied as I sprinted to my school to get there before the game started. I made it just as the game started. With a sigh of relief, I awkwardly walked over to him where he was sitting at the top of the bleachers. We both said hi awkwardly. We were both major nerds, although I seemed to have a bit more confidence, and I got pretty one day in 7th grade and have been on that high ever since. 

His team was sitting in the lower parts of the bleachers, and I could see them giggling about him getting a girl and not so discreetly taking pictures of me and him. I didn't pay it any mind as I was more focused on trying to get to know the cute boy in front of me, who had agreed to meet up with me. We started talking about our interests, and every subject ended and began with a painfully awkward "so....". We began to talk about music since I play viola and the double bass, and he plays piano and hustles as a jazz guitarist. We had a lot of the same things in common until I mentioned I had recently been to a concert where Doja Cat was the headliner. It was genuinely one of the best moments of my life. I had loved Doja for a long time, and her performance was the best I'd ever seen. Jason Derulo was also at the concert, and he took his shirt off, but I omitted that part. He responded by saying that he thought Doja Cat was weird and disliked her and her music deeply. my first assumption was that, because of the imagery in her album Scarlet, maybe he was just super religious, and that was where he took issue with her. He clarified that it was not the issue. She was just "too weird."

 I quickly realized he could not handle me.

He could not handle all this.

If she was too much for him, what would he do with me? This boy could not handle weird, confident, hot women. I was greatly disappointed. I acted like it wasn't a big deal to keep the date going, one of my many mistakes. He then recommended Bob Dylan to me. I'm not an idiot, nor a shut-in, I'm aware of who Bob Dylan is, like most people. I'm just simply not a fan of most of his discography, but I'd admit he has a few good songs. Although he might have just recommended to me his WORST song ever. Highway 61. I'd heard it before. I hated it. It hurt my ears. I acted like I'd never heard it before, and I'd add it to my playlist. Another mistake. We continued to talk about our interests. I love books. Deeply, I have a large collection of books, and I'm incredibly close to my English teachers. I attend English classes for grades above me and complete their assigned reading because it's fun for me. I love books. He said he liked books, but as we kept talking, I could tell he just wasn't matching my energy at this point.

The game ended, and we both left.

 I left excited because despite all the flags popping up, singling, we weren't very compatible, I was still excited I got to talk to a cute boy, and that blinded me momentarily. He later texted me, asking for my Snapchat. This confused me greatly. I do have Snapchat, but I very rarely use it. Why ask for my Snapchat if you already have my number? Yet another red flag I ignored. I gave him my snap, and the first thing he sent me was, "wyd?". At this point, I was starting to regret my choices greatly. I was reading a book (Walden by Henry David Thoreau), so I told him and sent a picture of it. He asked me if it was good, and I gave him a small synopsis. He then told me his team was going out to get food and he'd text me later.

He never texted me later. 

He still views my story, though, which brings me great distaste. After meditating on this, I realized the key points I went wrong. I didn't stand up for what I liked. I just tried to be all about what he liked and abandoned my principles. 

My poor dignity was taken out back and pelted with rocks.

I tried to ignore the obvious signs we weren't compatible, too busy romanticizing a version of a boy I'd just met that I came up with in my head based on what I expected from a man. Lastly, I pretended to like Bob Dylan and acted like being a Jazz Guitarist panhandling on the street in BLOCK ISLAND was a cool thing.

You're white and live on Block Island, get off that damn street and go act like your net worth.

[afterglowdiary]

Being weird and off-putting has to come from your soul. It's obvious when it's performative.