againjack

[againjack]

Sunday night was an event at his shul, which was... interesting. The week following that we didn’t see each other until Friday night. Between our two schedules, things were busy. I dragged him to my shul for Shabbat, which everyone was thrilled. It was great too, because those that hadn’t seen us and heard the news at the fundraiser were able to see us then. 

The next morning I was rewarded for patiently waiting for him to wake up but not being pushy (like opening curtains or bringing him coffee) with more fun times. We followed the same steps, only this time he wanted to try more. Obviously, I was game. ;) His fears did come to fruition, but I’d like to think I handled it ok. He was proud of himself and what he accomplished - forgetting how easy I am. :P 

I had a babyshower to go to that afternoon. We had planned that I would return to his place after and start working on wedding stuff before he went to a baseball game. The prior week with all the back and forth and busy I had forgotten to take my happy pills, and it came to an ugly crash after the babyshower, triggered by a few things AT the babyshower. (Like how it was celebrating someone, but I never had that for anything before then. Or how several folks thought I looked pregnant. Or how I only knew one woman beside the preggo only passing, and a few others by face only - so HUGE social anxiety.) Poor Coby was sweet and listened and consoled me in that hourish time frame between his getting back from errands and heading to the game. 

That Sunday I started to pack up my house. I felt that having accepted his marriage proposal that I sorta had to move on that track. I didn’t know how long it would take me, but I knew it would take a while to sort through and pack things up. 

That then began a really bad week. Basically, between waiting for the meds to get back to normal levels in my system, and mourning my beloved house, it was a rough week emotionally. I also was getting worse physically with coughing more and harder, more dizziness, nausea, and REALLY low energy. It got to the point that on Wednesday morning I cancelled meeting with a friend for lunch and made a doctor appointment on Thursday. 

Somewhere in there we had talked a few wedding things, and it became clear that they are still insisting on ALL THE FAMILY (so 200-300 people) and that with their expectations Colby’s mom will over the rehearsal dinner, his brothers the morning after brunch they are insisting upon, and that is it. Colby himself won’t contribute a penny to the wedding. So for the bulk of it, I am paying for it alone which has me VERY pissed off about. He spoke about using the profit from selling the house or getting a loan, both of which I vetoed. We need the profit for the new house and I will NOT be in his condo more than a year. I am very uncomfortable there on many levels, more than that is asking too much. And getting a loan is the stupidest financial decision ever. He led me to believe we would split the cost three ways evenly - him, me, and his parents. To back out of 2/3rd of it has me super pissed. I made contracts based upon an amount we had discussed and that agreement. Now the amount I am covering will only be about half of stuff, and I can’t back out or renegotiate the contracts. 

So that added to feeling awful physically and emotionally just was too much.

Thursday he called me to share his day and was a bit self-centered not asking much about me. He knew at 7 he had woken me from a nap. He also knew that I had the doc change my pharmacy to one near him. Yet despite that he was shocked and upset I didn’t have the energy to get my meds (a 30 minute drive one way) and how it meant he wouldn’t see me Friday night nor that I would see him for game night, because I could potentially be contagious and with a two week old there, I wasn’t going to risk anyone. I got pissy back at him that he claims to be so smart and such that it didn’t take much math to figure out I wouldn’t get my meds Thursday night and it would have been nice for him to show initiative to get them and bring them to me. You know, like the caring “Jewish mother” he says he is? I ripped him a new one over email about the whole situation. 

Somehow, through the week I managed to get 90% of my house (that won’t be out for staging) has been paked up or brought to Good Will, despite all the drama and illness/naps. 

On Sunday he came up to help with some packing and repairs before putting the house on the market. He made a comment about when he thought he would be here. I joked that meant 1pm. He was offended, but it ended up taking him until 6pm! To be fair, he was out late, slept in (for a total of 8 hours, so no shade there) and then cleaned out a closet for me to start bringing things to his place. 

He reviewed my list, looked over the house himself, and did some of the list. We ate frozen pizza and talked a bit. He didn’t appear to be phased about the email at all. (Though, with him, still waters do run deep.) He said he missed me and wanted to see me more. We coordinatored our week, since we are both busy, and hopefully we’ll see each other a few nights. He is amused at the thought of my getting up early to watch the royal wedding. lol 

[againjack]

Third Base

The next week was a blur, as I had something each night that week. I did meet up with him one day for Chinese since he had a BOGO free meal. Friday night we had dinner plans with friends, which was fun. 

Saturday was filled with errands and then the big fundraiser at my synagogue. He managed to score extra drink tickets and ended up really tipsy - to the point he let me drive his car home. Over dinner when we had some alone time, I told him how I would love to spend some quality time together, and how I was bleeding, so it was low risk for him (since he doesn’t like the idea of sex on the period - another hang up thanks to his ex.) He actually agreed to it (after only one or two drinks, so he wasn’t terribly unable to give consent.) 

When we got home and after walking the dogs he was really done. I ended up undressing him - completely. I straddled him and we kissed a good bit, interspersed with his asking me to take off items. He wanted me to get him to orgasm, but after a good long while of going to town, it just wasn’t happening. Though he gave a good showing in other areas above the belt. :)

I woke up very happy the next morning that we had finally moved the needle a bit. ;) I slept in, since I didn’t have Hebrew, but he had to be up early too teach Sunday School. 

[againjack]

Back to reality

Sunday morning we all had breakfast together, walked the dogs on the beach (and my dizziness came back but I fought to ignore it), and then decided to take a later boat back after lunch. #1&SIL were leaving the next day, so it was really Colby and I that were leaving. Because the walk took so long, when we got back it was a rush to get out the door and to the ferry on time. It didn’t help that Colby hadn’t even packed before the walk. *eye roll*

During the walk and the golf cart ride over (which was just SIL, Dakota, and I) SIL asked a lot of questions about our plans. I answered the best I could, but so much was still in the air pending Colby doing the proposal as well as making decisions. 

The only thing of note on the way back was we stopped at McDonalds to walk the dogs. He had gotten some fries thinking I would want some, then was disappointed that I didn’t eat any. :P I told him to just ask next time and not to guess and make grand romantic gestures that then fall flat. :P 

He really was more attentive and sweet that day and the next morning. Sadly, Monday was back to work and reality.

[againjack]

The Lighthouse

  At the Club there were a few points of interest. There was a plantation house that had been brought from another island 100+ miles away that had been lifted directly from its foundation onto a barge and floated up to this island and lifted onto the new foundation. Not taken apart, just picked up like a child’s toy. The next was a bunch of tabby ruins that was neat. And the lighthouse.

Keep in mind that Colby had a tote bag with a box in it that he said we were doing his mom a favor and bringing it to a friend of hers getting on the ferry soon. I carried that bag around after we parked the golf cart and walking around the sites. I asked a few times, but Colby said we were meeting them at the lighthouse. 

As we walked up to the lighthouse, I mentioned to Colby that I get the historical importance and that some people have a thing about lighthouses, but I just don’t get it. 

The lighthouse is currently a bed and breakfast and has a porch with chairs facing the sound. That day was windy as heck. I wouldn’t be surprised if the winds were 30-50 mph. Fighting the wind, but standing on the porch, I just relaxed. I thanked Colby for bringing me, as I loved how relaxing it was. I mentioned how watching and listening to the waves just did something for me deep in my soul. 

It was then that he took out his phone (I thought ti check in on the friend or the time) and a song started playing. Bruno Mars ‘Marry you.’ I kept facing the sound and gave him the side eye, saying, “You know I know this song, right?” He responded that he knew I knew this song. “You know I know the words, right?” “Yeah, we can ignore the second half of the song...”

So, back up a bit, I had noticed on the ride up that there was a conspicuous box shape in his pants pocket. I had talked myself back and forth again over it because I did not want to be disappointed again. 

At this point, I had turned away from the sound and towards him. He pulled the box out of his pocket and said, “So about that ring I told you about...” I interrupted him, saying that I had on eye makeup and I was tearing up, he better not mess it up. :P As if I hadn’t spoken, he continued to reiterate the story of the ring - how it was his grandmother’s favorite, she waited a long time for it, etc. He then said something about good things are worth waiting for, and we had waited a long time for each other. He announced he was going to (continue to) be cheesy and got down on one knee and asked THE question.

I stood there, angry and not sure what the heck to do. Just the night prior I had reiterated to him that in imagining his proposal I could only imagine myself blurting out, “But we haven’t had sex yet!” He prompted me, saying I was going to give him a heart attack. To which I said, “FUCK YOU.” 

He blinked and mentioned how that wasn’t what he expected to hear. I told him to get up. He dazedly asked, “You want me to stand up?” “Yes, yes!” He started to get up, then said, “Wait, which question was that yes to? I’m not getting up until you answer the first question.” He prompted me again, which was met with a “Grrr....” and stamped foot. “That isn’t an answer.”

I then got over the shock enough to tell him how he knew I wanted to marry him, but... (his face was near purple at this point. I think he stopped breathing.) ... we had some serious things to work on. That he hadn’t proved to me yet that he could/would meet my needs on a regular basis. He agreed he knew he had to work on that. I told him that this ring gave me power over him. (In  Judaism the woman has the final say over sex - when, how often, etc.) He sheepishly hung his head and said he knew that. So I said, “Fine. Yes.” 

Only I said it at my normal volume, and with the wind, he didn’t hear me. Nor did he the second time. On the third time he clearly was relieved, stood up and we hugged and kissed. While he was holding me, he asked for my hand. I was confused since he already asked and I said yes. Turns out he was asking to put the ring on my hand, which I gave a sheepish “Oh.” Apparently, I was dazed again. 

The tote bag with a box? It was a toasting set he bought for us and champagne. We toasted l’chaim, to love, and to a long, happy life together. He said something about how we are both getting what we deserve (he meant happiness in general as well as a “better” or “nicer” family than my own) then realized what he was getting and how/if he deserved that. lol After that, he took a picture of my hand to send to his mom. She was involved in the whole plan, but no one else was. That was her queue to come around the corner. They had left about 5 minutes after us and were waiting for the signal - which was part of why Colby was freaking out in my delayed response. He poured for his mom, dad, #1 & SIL. There were hugs all around. Then we headed off to the clubhouse for dinner.

One of the funny moments was walking into the elevator as the owner walked out, while we were carrying our own champagne flutes and bottle. He congratulated us when he heard why. 

Dinner was a blur of texting and making phone calls and retelling the story to his family (within reason, since I knew he was sensitive about sharing intimate details like our lack of a sex life.) 

When we got back to the house, SIL took pictures of us together in the traditional show off the ring (I only gagged a little bit.:P) and more phone calls and texting happened. Colby kept reminding/pushing me to call my mom. Finally, I gave in, since it was near her bedtime. (Mind you I had texted earlier, her response back was, “Congratulations. It’s lovely. Get it insured ASAP.”) When I called she asked how I was, I said good. Then vice versa. And then she launched into a 30 minute diatribe about herself - her diet, exercise, house, the kid she watches, etc. Nothing but complaining too. Finally, I found a spot to interject and signaled an end to the conversation. Not once did she say anything about the ring, the engagement, or anything. Colby and his family were appalled and embarrassed for me. I just said I expected nothing less from her and I’m so used to it that it doesn’t mean anything to me.

We all eventually wound down as it got too late for calls and the texts slowed down. it was very celebratory and happy with the exception of my mom. 

[againjack]

The rest of that week living together

Rewind and remember that the week of the Buffet concert was our week of testing living together. There were several challenges that week. I had observed that it was sort of doing him a disservice because the other reason for my living with him that week was to help him out since he had something every night that week. 

It went as expected. Other than the concert and a few minutes in the morning or a few minutes at night we never saw each other. A few times we would chat through the day on some media. 

Frankly, the weeks sucked. It sucked so hard that Thursday night I was seriously thinking of telling him I wouldn’t go to visit his parents for the weekend. I was so angry and hurt and felt so taken advantage of, so taken for granted that I didn’t want to spend time with him, let alone with his family and trapped. 

In the end, I decided that it wasn’t about him, but instead that I fucking earned time at the beach and to chill. I had several books and was given the impression that there was a lot of downtime. Basically a free beach weekend? Ok. 

The drive to the island we chatted a lot. I don’t remember anything that stood out from it. Arriving at the ferry was a non-event. It was nice to walk the dogs, look out at the river, sitting in a rocking chair sipping wine. Dakota did fantastic on the drive and in ignoring/dealing with Loki. She also did great on the ferry. Loki was great on the drive but had tons of energy when we got to the ferry - and didn’t want to be far from Colby as he was dealing with parking, passes, etc. Loki was a MESS on the ferry itself. He refused to go upstairs and tried to hide in the cabin with the captain. lol 

When we landed, I got a phone call from a florist asking for an ok on how to cut back since his original plan for half our needs was already maxing our budget. Turns out the plan for how to get to Colby’s parent’s house had gone fubar. We ended up making it work due to the kindness of another person from the ferry sharing his golf cart with Dakota and I while Colby, Loki, and our luggage went on another golf cart. Between those two factors, I didn’t get a chance to explore that part of the island - not that it mattered to me nor was it really part of the plan as I knew it. 

(That part of the island only golf carts or the club vans are allowed. The rest of the island can use either. Although only vehicles that were approved years ago, mostly golf carts. For Colby, the dogs, our luggage, and I we had to meet Coby’s mom at the gates to the club in her station wagon. She couldn’t leave Colby’s dad alone, so he had to come too.) 

We made it back, had dinner, and talked until late. 

I had one of my weird social anxiety things. No one gave me a tour of the house, so all I knew was the entryway, kitchen, and living room. When Colby’s brother and SIL went off to their cottage (there wasn’t enough room for them to stay at the house with their dog too) and Colby and I walked the dogs for the night, that I finally burst out asking where the bathroom was. For some reason, there was not a break in the conversation or a way to discretely ask, so I was just holding it and freaking out. Colby gave me heck for that and didn’t understand why I didn’t just ask. 

I was really uncomfortable there. Even being the beach, it just was... a new place where everyone else was comfortable and had lots of history that I had no frame of reference. I felt so out of place. Luckily, in the morning I at least could walk the dogs to escape. 

As much as I expected a relaxing, chill weekend, it ended up being very busy. When I got back from walking the dogs #1&SIL were there making breakfast. I did what I could to help and stay busy - my normal tactic to hide in plain site and avoid being too involved in conversation. After that it was decided that I needed a tour of the island. The family expected Colby to do it, but, he insisted his mom do so since she knew the stories better than he did. 

Shortly after we got back I started making lunch since there were a few steps that take a while (caramelized onions for quiche.) It turns out that either Colby’s mom had mistaken how many eggs to get, or SIL used more than she asked for when we discussed grocery lists. So I had to stop cooking midway for us to run to the farm to get more eggs. 

Lunch went great. #1 and SIL wanted to walk the beach, I wasn’t feeling great so I stayed in and read or chatted with Colby’s dad. I also spent time cleaning up after Loki’s major shedding. 

That evening we were going to the clubhouse for dinner. Colby felt it important I better see stuff at the club that I had missed out on when we arrived, and this time decided he would give me the tour. So we left earlier than the others, with the understanding that we would meet the others at the clubhouse an hour later. 

.... tbc

[againjack]

So much to catch up on

.... yet really not much.

I’ll leave this amuse bouche.

Tonight while tailgating before the Buffet concert I said to Colby, in front of friends, “IF I move in with you....” I made damn sure he was clear on the IF. Because frankly, this test week sucks and I don’t want to move in, even for a month let alone a year. Between it being so much his space, being so small, walls touching neighbors, and no backyard for the dogs. Sure the last part is lazy, especially since Dakota loves our walks no matter the length, but it is still a factor to me.

Turns out a wedding photographer I had reached out to is known by one of Colby’s friend’s wife. Their ethnicity is a small group in the area, so I wasn’t surprised. Yes, I sorta did it on purpose since I won’t be using that photographer. Colby took her aside to chat, as he didn’t want me to hear whatever he had to say about the ring, us, etc. 

When we were leaving the concert with one friend he made a comment about “look at us. I never would have imagined being with someone like you. So many reasons in how different we are. Yet it works.” 

Yeah. works except for wanting so many things your way. And the no sex part. 

While Colby was going to the restroom and getting water the friend we were with was shocked to learn we hadn’t had sex or even seen each other naked - and it wasn’t a religious reason. 

I had a bit too much to drink tonight and was pissy. Turns out that while Buffett isn’t offensive, it isn’t my jam so I was bored and frustrated. As we were leaving the venue for the car I made a point to Colby how he keeps throwing me into various situations with no warning or explanation or any way to prepare to know wtf let alone be able to enjoy it. His big focus was how this weekend we are going to his parent’s on Daufuskie Island. He keeps saying (about the visit and other things,) “Oh it’s just X.” I pointed out to him that it is a recursive definition and his familiarity with something doesn’t help someone with no frame of reference.

[againjack]

Shiva

Thursday afternoon Colby called me. Since he has gotten in the habit of calling me when he is in the car (to work, to a client, from a client, heading home) I didn’t think much of it. Turns out it was to tell me that his cousin’s mother had died, the cousin who knew we were a couple before Colby did. 

After we chatted about that we moved onto other things until he had to go. I found it interesting that he pulled the same thing my brother did. When I asked if he wanted me there, he just said, “Well, I won’t be going into work so I can go to the funeral.” Thanks for the direction, dude, and letting me know your expectations and how involved you want me. :P 

The original plan was to meet at his shul for services Friday evening. Since the funeral was 9am, I made the call to head to his place for Thursday night. It was funny, I left him a voicemail to that effect, and hours later he called me to suggest the same not having heard my voicemail. 

I would love to say he was excited to see me or was affectionate. He was his normal self, kissed me when he got home and we just hung out. I mostly hung out in the living room watching tv and being on my computer while he putzed upstairs after we ate. He did give me a bit of crap for the dinner I threw together but it was fairly healthy, cheap, fast, etc. I was impressed he got up and was able to get out the door by 7:45am. 

The funeral was... interesting. The rabbi at my current shul was there and basically ignored me; didn’t even say hi or anything. He also ignored Colby completely. I was somewhat shocked at how many of my friends showed up from my current shul. To be fair, they weren't there for me at all, but for the cousin who is a member of that shul and good (better) friends with them all. I got to see and interact with the former administrator as well, which was awkward.

It was funny because my friends kept telling me to go be with family. They all recognized how I was part of the grieving family and sorta kept their distance. I was able to introduce Colby to a few of my friends, especially one that is important to me. Through the short service, I stood at Colby’s side. I participated in the mitzvah of helping to bury the dead - while I was doing my three shovels, Colby offered to hold my purse, which was sweet. After the service I met a lot of that part of the family, my head is swimming with names and faces, not necessarily matching up. 

We had taken separate vehicles to the service (and I beat him by 20 minutes even though we left at the same time.) After the service, he went to work and I went back to his place to work from there. Good thing too, because there was a huge accident that it would have taken forever to get home. I guess had I brought my work stuff to the service I could have gone to an office, but I didn’t. 

As the original plan was for me to basically stay and not go back to my place until after next weekend was shot, after doing some meetings, training, and catching up on some tickets I headed north to my place. I knew at 2pm on Friday afternoon it was a crap shoot. After an hour plus (more than 3x normal without traffic) I made it and let the dogs play in the backyard. Loki got loose so I had to chase him around my neighborhood a bit; luckily he likes to stop and sniff everything so I was able to catch up and grab him by his collar. Yes, I was stupid enough to not have a leash on him.

I managed to pack food, clothes, etc. - even taking into account the road trip next weekend - in a half hour. Ten minuted into the way back and I realized I had forgotten something important that I can’t just pick up so I turned around to get it. It took the normal 30 minutes to his place. I was glad as it gave me a chance to walk the dogs and freshen up before heading to his shul. 

I got there early, to participate in a guided meditation before Shabbat. That was a really nice experience. I loved every part of it - only natural sunlight streaming in through the chapel windows, the hippie-dippie music, the quiet, the soft voice of the cantor - and her hug at the end. I then tried to enjoy the 15 minutes before services started with Colby en route, but that was uncomfortable since I didn’t know anyone, and didn’t want to barge into any conversations. 

We were supposed to meet up with friends, but they had spaced on us (again.) So instead of going to a fancy restaurant, we went to a cheaper one. I’ve gotten bolder in talking about my wants/needs. He is very clear that I expect some action this week, as that is basically what I need to know at this point. I also pointed out that I know how challenging that would be this coming week considering he has something every night. Even with that chat, there were no cuddles or making out last night. In fact, he went out to walk Loki and I gave up waiting and went to bed - a half hour later I passed out and he hadn’t returned yet. I have no idea when he came to bed, but I know that he did because I sorta woke and got super hot. 

This morning he had appointments to get his hair cut and take Loki to the vet for a check up and some vaccinations. Even for a 9:40 appointment he ran late despite getting up around 8:15ish. (I did not appreciate an alarm at 6:30am that he forgot to update from yesterday.) He called on his way back from the barber asking me to join him for the vet, which I did. 

While at the vet waiting on various things he scrolled through his phone (he did that through dinner last night too, which I didn’t appreciate) and somehow an ad for a dating app came up, that had an image of a banana with a condom as a hat. I asked him how he got that ad (since, let’s face it, 90% ads are now targeted based on our facebook profile or searches) he claimed he didn’t know. I joked pointedly that his facebook status is still single, to which he said he had been meaning to change that.

From the vet to Petco I brought up how he didn’t seem to know my cycle, based on comments he made a few days ago. I asked if he wanted to be part of my app, but he declined. He said I make it known normally with comments somehow, which I didn’t think I did. He made it clear he didn’t understand how cycles work and how hormones impact the body in other ways - such as headaches, being extra tired, etc. 

Later over lunch, I brought back up the ad and discussed that since we are monogamous and in a long-term relationship we probably won’t need them when we get there, also since dealing with it could exacerbate his issues. He freaked out, worried about birth control. I told him that I am aware of timing with my app/tracking and that helps for the most part. Though considering I am not so careful at the time when one should be most... well we paused the conversation there. :P 

Over lunch, we also discussed my concern about affording things. I’ve been telling him my plight and options I have, but it seemed to just sink in. the nice thing is that he said that we would figure out the storage and how to afford movers for the things from my place to storage or his place. It was nice that he took ownership/responsibility for at least these things, seeing it as being a team effort. I appreciate that he is starting to see us as a team.

At this point, I am waiting for him to return from errands (I guess?) for us to go to Shiva, where I get to do more socializing with his extended family. I got the impression from some comments made yesterday that they are eager to get to know me, so staying on the fringes might not be in the cards. 

[againjack]

Racing

Last week was odd, and it bled into the weekend. Colby was stressed between work, HOA, baseball, and family stuff that his taking the lead to plan the group outing to Georgia Steeplechase was a bit much for him. We also learned that he is more an ask culture, whereas I am guess culture, which caused more friction as he wanted me to ask things (to a group email where I didn’t know half the people on it) and I was uncomfortable doing so. This turned into my educating him about social anxiety and reminding him why using the phone is something I really don’t enjoy. This then seemed to be when he decided to stop calling me. :( 

Friday afternoon he popped me up on Gchat to ask if I was still picking him up from work around X time. To which I said we had never discussed that, reiterating that I had agreed to (go out of my way to) walk his dog before meeting him at #1′s home for a final night Seder. He was a bit pissy, when I asked if he wanted me to pick him up, he gave a passive-aggressive “You do you.” *exasperated sigh* The sad thing is he realizes he has these conversations or plans to have conversations in his head and that they don’t always actually happen. I’ve noticed it happens more often when he is stressed. I got fairly pissy about all of it - I was already going out of my way to help him out (and got no thanks for it)  - and he expected me to do more, including to read his mind about that more. I was really upset, working myself up to tears, and feeling very under appreciated.

The seder was different, interesting, and ended up ok. It did last a while, so I didn’t say to help clean up like I normally do, or wait for when Colby was ready. Instead, I gave my thanks to #1 and SIL, and left around 10:30pm. I was nearly asleep when he got home, to the point I didn’t have the energy to even say anything or roll over when he got back, and he thought I was completely out. 

The next morning we had to be ready, as everyone was converging on Colby’s for the caravan to Steeplechase. I wasn’t exactly a happy camper to have to get up so early (as folks were supposed to arrive around 8:30am - moreso because they started arriving closer to 8am.) I didn’t get to eat breakfast or have any private time, I was lucky to get enough time to shower and be ready. 

It was cold Saturday. And I’m the idiot that had expected it to be in the high 60s, not mid40s. Needless to say, it was exactly as Colby explained it to me, only way colder. On one hand, I didn’t burn as I expected to. On the other, I was bored and frustrated as I had expected to. It was literally just tailgating - sitting in a field for hours eating snack food, drinking heavily, and the occasional horse race that you really couldn’t see from where we were. Sure Colby was there, and some folk he works with that I met at the holiday party, and some of our game night crew. But other than being frozen (hands literally turning purple) no matter wearing Colby’s fleece and being wrapped in a blanket, I was bored and frustrated. I am not a big drinker, and being cold didn’t want to drink because that could cause issues. They were being stupid with the drinking and no one was really talking. There was nothing to do, and I had a gazillion other things I could have been doing. And because of where we were parked, and how the tents were setup, I had to wait to leave until the very end.

The thing is, Colby knew in advance that tailgating and heavy drinking aren’t things I enjoy doing or being around. He knew I went to try it out but that I was extremely wary. I told him on the drive back that I won’t be doing that again. He was disappointed, but I couldn’t care less. There is no saying I have to enjoy or do everything he enjoys/does. It isn’t like something to be supportive of, like a family event or holiday. He can f’n deal that I don’t like it and won’t go. I’m not going to stop him from going. 

When we got back I took a long, hot shower to thaw out. Because I was so cold most of the day, I barely ate anything either. Of course, that was also due to the fact I wanted to limit consumption so I didn’t need to use the port-o-potties for the 7 hours we would be there (and 90 minute drive each way.) We watched tv while he unpacked stuff, and he was surprised that as hungry as I was, I didn’t eat much. He didn’t get that after basically a day of fasting I couldn’t gorge but needed to ease back into eating at normal levels. I asked him if he could at Break the Fast after Yom Kippur, he said he had no issues with that. *le sigh*

He ended up falling asleep on the couch, for three hours. It was odd, at first I tried to stay out of his way, but eventually, we ended up with legs tangled and cuddling. He woke up for about an hour or so, by then it was nearly 11pm so I went to bed. When I woke at 5:30am and couldn’t sleep, I found he never came to bed. This had me in a spiral of bad thoughts. I ended up getting myself together and out the door to the board meeting without waking him. I texted him (once at shul) about how his not coming to bed worried and upset me. 

After the board meeting, Colby texted me. He had been sporadically texting and planning to do lunch with a friend. Up until he texted I had no idea that lunch included me. He again made it sound like it was a given I was included. Dude, you can do things with your friends without me, it’s ok! I’m not going to assume that we do all the things together all the time. And he better not assume the same when it comes to me and my friends. :P

I met them at a restaurant up the street from Colby’s and we had a lovely brunch. The friend was one of the folk from the group birthday dinner when I first met some of his friends, the day I had the car accident. It took me a while to place him. It’s slightly frustrating that Colby expects me to keep the gigantic cast of people in his life straight, after meeting someone once, 9-10 months ago and have heard nothing about since.

After brunch, it was 3pm when we got back to Colby’s. He had more unpacking and cleaning to do after Steeplechase, I ended up taking a nap - until 8pm. I didn’t realize I needed it so bad, though not entirely surprising since I had slept like crap the past two nights and spent most of Saturday shivering. :P 

Colby ended up ordering a calzone for us to split and while we ate we chatted. His friend had reinforced to Colby my timeline about getting the best deal for my house, which in turn, made him be more on board. We talked about timing, what to keep, etc. He still is leaving it up to me, though we ended up with me in tears because it felt like he wanted me to get rid of everything that was mine. He didn’t understand how some of the things I had were things I had waited years for to find or saved months for to afford. He even mentioned getting rid of my tvs. He tried to frame it as we would get all new (and matching) stuff when we got the new house. But he didn’t get that we might not be able to afford that immediately. 

We also had a not so interesting turn talking about how after his ex moved out he never reused that portion of the dresser, and he just expected me to use it. I made a comment about how I was just filling the spaces she left rather than him making space for me. Basically, insert tab B into slot A. He turned that around into how he was filing Franklin’s space, which wasn’t fair or realistic since I had a whole different space and made it mine after Franklin, Jamaica, and Bear. I had no space, I made space for Colby in my life. I made changes to my home for him, if minor since he is never here. He isn’t making changes for me, just letting me take the space his last girlfriend took from him. 

While we were eating (as most of the moving discussion was after eating while he was doing his taxes and other computer stuff.) he mentioned something about sex, which I used as a segue to remind him that his not having sex with me had become an issue. A big one. And how it’s been over a month since I said that and I haven’t seen any changes. I told him how I had found, in a random way, that his ex was pregnant and how much that saddened and hurt me. He didn’t get why. His gut reaction when I mentioned this was “Ha, sucks to be her husband when she is off her meds.” Once I explained that my reactions were, “Well at least someone is getting sex” followed by “she is the reason he won’t touch me” he got it. 

I went to bed around 1am while he was still finishing his taxes. I don’t know when he finished up, but I heard him shaving off his beard (as is his tradition) before he came to bed. He cuddled up my side of the bed, but when I tried to cuddle with him he would turn over or back away. *head shake* 

This morning I feel like he was trying to butter me up. He made a point to say how good I looked Saturday. As we left for work, he said, “You really are amazing, you know that?” “Thanks.” He followed it up with looking me in the eyes and saying, “I love you.” I’m just in such an emotional spot that I first responded with the horrible, “thanks,” then followed up with, “I love you, too.” 

On the drive home I wondered why. Well, not too much since I feel like he is struggling to say/show it. He is trying. So I acknowledge that with a thanks. Though it still feels like a dick move on my part. And, the tagged on “I love you too” felt hollow. I still don’t feel that he does love me. And I feel kinda numb and angry/frustrated about it all. I don’t mean it right now. 

I wondered, while driving, if this is that Westermark effect settling in. Is it just all my anger, hurt, and frustration? Or is it just that I’ve reached a point that I can’t trust that he’ll meet my needs, show compassion for me and what I’m doing/going through, or be there for me. It’s like I’ve finally reached a bottom (not sure if it is the bottom) and that bottom is a barren ground where no fucks can be grown. He took too damn long to tell me he loves me. He took too damn long to try to show me he cares. He still hasn’t shown me that he understands or wants to meet my needs. Not just sex, but just being held, or more kissing. 

I’m back to the imaging him proposing and my just laughing at him how he isn’t trying to meet my needs and shits over me and my stuff, how the fuck could I marry that?

[againjack]

After the big talk a few days ago, tonight when we finally connected (as opposed to playing phone tag) when he said goodbye, he said, “I love you.” I wasn’t expecting him to. But it felt good. It’s a baby step, in the right direction. It’ll be interesting to see when he says it in person first.

[againjack]

Colby sent me a link to this today. He said it was just because he knew I would get this type of humor. He spent a good few minutes explaining how/why he isn’t the sort to sext. Uh-huh. Sure. :P

[againjack]

Post script

I had originally gotten all the crystal and china from Bed, Bath, and Beyond. Turns out they have a very lenient return policy. I ended up getting roughly $1300 worth of store credit, which Colby keeps calling “found money.” I can’t help but mourn the thoughtful gifts that it all represented, mostly from my family who probably won’t do so again. 

Next up, without pressure from him, I think I’m ready to look at getting rid of my wedding band and engagement ring from my first marriage. I’m nervous about it and worry about getting scammed.

After Colby gave his dissertation on love in the kitchen, I told him that he may benefit from speaking with an objective third party. That there clearly are a lot of things jumbled up that have negatively impacted our relationship and he is damn lucky I didn’t leave months ago. That a lot is tied to his ex, but also how his father’s illness is also impacting our relationship. Maybe I compartmentalize a lot, and I know his family writes things off from him as due to his ADD, but I don’t see either as an excuse. If he can juggle everything he does, except this one thing, it isn’t ADD. I don’t think he actually has ADD, as he functions as well as I do with regards to getting stuff done and remembering things. 

He admitted that maybe going for counseling was a good idea and said he would consider/look into it. 

Last night while listening to a podcast, I learned about the Westermark Effect. What the podcaster put forth was that if one doesn’t have sex once a week, this effect starts up where one starts to see their partner as more a sibling than lover, and it desexualizes them. I sorta get that. I know that has happened in a few of my past relationships. I’m not sure how I’ve avoided it so far with Colby, other than a combination of fantasizing about him when masturbating as well as the fact I’m still in hunt mode, not having gotten to the point of having sex with him yet. I just emailed him that podcast, framing it as a common point of reference.

It was funny, I was telling J5 about how the other morning he was sitting on the floor playing with Loki and I noticed he had a hole in his pajama pants, just enough and in just the right spot to see the corona of his penis head pressed against it. Obviously, he was flacid at the time, and it made me feel better considering I wasn’t sure what to interpret when I saw him in his boxer briefs. I didn’t say anything to him at the time, but I did a few days later. He thought the hole was so I would see his taint or anal sphincter and was shocked when I described to him what I saw. lol 

[againjack]

High lights

A week ago this past Friday was a turning point. A point where things deepened. Where we learned how we react to stresses caused by the other and how we worked through it. It was not comfortable and had me fighting urges to leave. I did end up leaving, once it was resolved, only because those hormones needed to dissipate and I didn’t want to or feel it was fair/good to either of us to do it in near proximity to each other. I am grateful to J5 for letting me crash her down time for a few hours. 

Colby poked at me a few times while I was out, which honestly didn’t help. He wanted me to go back to his place, but I decided not to. He even used my dog to guilt trip me. 

Saturday I putzed around the house, which felt so weird with my dog at Colby’s and went to my first florist appointment. We had agreed the night before that anything on the calendar was staying there, but nothing new would happen. >><<  That appointment went awesome and had me feeling really excited and happy. Colby was out running errands when I got back to his place. I don’t remember what I did before we went to game night, which we left early for the music festival concert. 

Game night was, interesting. It was both fun as well as challenging and put me in difficult or uncomfortable positions. The concert was fun. The thing I liked best about it was how relaxed we were and how Colby repeatedly thanked me and said he had fun. He visibly enjoyed himself, I didn’t doubt him like I did at the Imagine Dragons concert. 

Sunday morning he left early to teach Sunday school. My Hebrew teacher was out of town so I got to sleep in. When I got my butt in gear I went home and started practicing recipes that I had finally gotten from his mom. I brought them back to his place for taste testing. They were great and very similar to his mom’s. We ended up calling her to ask a few things which was fun and silly. 

Tuesday was nuts. I went into the office, dropped off crystal and china at the consignment store, then went for florist appointment #2. I ended up back at Colby’s. We ate in and chillaxed. 

Wednesday I worked from home and found out how much the consignment shop wanted to sell my stuff for. $1800+ of current patterns..... at most I would get $143. I ended up going BACK across town near my office to pick it all backup. It was near the end of the workday, so I just forged through traffic back to Colby’s to give his dog a pee break. We had plans to go to Maggiano’s to see what we had won with our red envelope from our previous trip there. The envelope was only $10 off, but it’s better than nothing. 

His parents came in on Wednesday, he asked me if it was ok for them to join us. I said of course. It was a lovely meal, it is always a fun experience for them. When we got back to Colby’s he thanked me. Apparently, his ex hated when that situation happened - didn’t want to spend time with them, was upset with last minute changes, felt that it should have been scheduled further in advance, etc. He appreciated that I was flexible and wanted to spend time with his parents, that I was ok with his spending time with them. They live in another state a 4-5 hour drive away and they are a close family, I don’t get what her objections were. 

Colby has been doing a lot of that lately, making comparisons between her and I, in my favor. I am not sure how I feel about it. I appreciate that it is his way of saying he cares and how I am such a good fit for him. 

Friday I took the day off work and went to his parent’s apartment to help cook and prepare for the seder that night. I had a great time talking and hanging out with his mom. She was so sweet sharing things with me - recipes, stories. She even gave me a cookbook and said she had another on order for me. She is so excited to have someone to pass along her family traditions to. :) 

#1 and SIL arrived early. #1 did work while his mom, SIL, and I cooked. Once things were in a good place, his mom went to get ready, so SIL and I chatted a bunch. She asked a lot of questions, and I answered as I could and wanted to. There was a lot of, “I can’t answer/get into that right now, Colby would kill me.” I did share, very obliquely, how there were a few things that Colby and I needed to address, sooner than later. I was equally oblique as I didn’t want Colby to feel uncomfortable knowing his SIL knew about our nonexistent sex life and the issues he has shared with me as to why (that are lingering from his last relationship.) She said that she was like the confessional, which I would trust if it were just she and I, but with Colby’s parents floating around and #1 sitting right there, I wasn’t going to get into any of it. 

I haven’t been to many seders, this was the seventh, but it was the most fun and comfortable I felt. Being with Colby’s family - and knowing them so well - really made the difference. 

M had asked me Thursday for information about seders, saying she wanted to do one for her kids. Being Catholic that surprised me. I had offered her to borrow my Harry Potter Haggadah and we would meet up Saturday. Well, Colby was uncomfortable with her doing this, mentioning cultural appropriation. After asking some probing questions, it really seemed to be the case. I ended up meeting with her as planned, but I didn’t give her the Haggadah. We had a two-hour lunch, then went shopping. I didn’t have any firm plans for the day, and she ended up eating all of it. :( But considering I have asked a lot of her recently, and will in the future, it was a small price to pay. I don’t think I got through to her, sadly. But I did what I could and let her know where I stood without jeopardizing our friendship. 

That night Colby and I had some long, interesting, difficult discussions about relationships, antisemitism, and challenges that converts face. He was very supportive, understanding, and had some suggestions on how to deal with these situations. 

As things stabilize/normalize in our relationship, I’ve gotten a bit bolder but also more comfortable. While shopping I had gotten Colby a surprise and texted him that. He was at the baseball game with his mom, so I kept it vague and without pictures. :P Had gotten a fun (if very tame) lingerie and matching robe. I felt sexy and pretty in it. I had half hoped he would want to get his hands on me with it. He clearly was surprised when he came home and did a double take when he saw me in it. :P I ended up going to bed at a quasi-normal time while he was putzing around the house and on his computer. 

Sunday was the anniversary of our meeting. He said he had a bunch of ideas but couldn’t figure what to do about it. I made life simple, I went home to grab some stuff and then back at his place made brunch. He did various things while I did various things online (activating my Peach Pass, banking, etc.) and took a nap. We had gotten tickets to Ready Player One. I made dinner beforehand. Passover brownies are horrible. :P 

The movie was great and we had lots of fun pointing things out to each other, chatting about things afterward... When we got back to his place we exchanged gifts. He enjoyed what I had gotten for him and the sappy card I wrote. He got me a British penny that was carved into a moon and soaring bird. It was nice and thoughtful.. and not my taste. :( He appreciated my honesty and trying to be polite and put a positive spin on it.

We also had another serious chat. He said he’s been meaning to have it, but things keep happening and that I was always asleep by the time he was ready to talk. He knew that his not verbalizing his feelings was difficult for me. He said he has found himself almost saying, “I love you” at the end of phone conversations, but not quite able to say it. He felt the need to explain what was going on in his head - from how he has felt that the word has become toxic to him: between his ex (where he said it right up until the end) to his father (whom he is having dreams of planning his funeral and giving a eulogy.) Love is complicated for him. And he also is confused, because he thought he loved his ex, but what he feels for me is so different from that, so much more. 

He plainly said that he loves me and reiterated how he feels I am amazing. The entire conversation was so real and honest. I feel it brought us closer and I appreciated hearing it rather than guessing and wondering. He acknowledged that his family didn’t say it often, nor were physically affectionate. That they showed their love in other ways. But he knows that my background.. was very different. That I need to hear it and feel it. 

We ended up making out in the kitchen. We were very out of sync, and I joked that we need to practice more. He agreed sheepishly. 

It ended up with him doing more work on the computer and I fell asleep. He had trouble getting up - more than normal - this morning. :P Through the day we texted, Gchatted, and emailed a bunch sporadically. He called this evening and turns out he thought I would take care of his dog when he went to the baseball game tomorrow and Wednesday. I told him he hadn’t asked me to. 

This was precipitated because I said we wouldn’t see each other until Friday, which shocked him. He was hoping that not only would I take care of his dog, but he could see me after the game and in the morning. I said I wasn’t going to do that. :P He was upset it would be so long, I pointed out that when he starts doing film festival stuff he would see me even less. He wasn’t happy with that, and I pointed out that it was HIS doing, HIS activities, HIS choices that limited when and how often we would see each other. He didn’t like hearing that either. :P He said that he hoped by then I would be spending more time at his place (ie moved in) that it wouldn’t matter.  *eye roll* 

[againjack]

Transitioning

Tuesday was hilarious to me. He kept calling me. On the drive to work. Driving to/from a client. Driving home. After walking the dog. And I loved it. I love how we have so much to talk about and just want to connect somehow even when we aren’t physically together. 

Wednesday my brother was in town for a work training, so we met him for dinner. It was good and interesting. The funniest moment was Bob and I talking about something and Colby shook his head and laughed. I turned to him to ask, “What?” He just responded, “Siblings.” I still need to get more from him on that. 

On the way to dinner Colby and I chatted about a bunch of wedding detail stuff. He is already overwhelmed. He said he has been through all the stages and come to accept that all this is moving on and in progress despite him not doing his thing. He asked me to stop talking about it, so I did for the rest of the night.

I wanted his thoughts about when to do things and how to go about all the transitions we have planned. Because one friend of mine called Colby a con man and another concerned because of her own past... He refuses to give input. He said that selling my house is all on me.He doesn’t want to feed into any of that negativity. He did say, when I suggested packing and moving some things to his place, that my place has more storage. He also seems to think that we should keep it until after the holidays for my mom to visit, since right now she is saying she won’t at all if she can’t have a fenced in yard for her dog. *eye roll* 

My point is that my house will be aimed towards families - and they buy/move in the summer, not school year. And the longer a place sits the less one gets for it. But selling it gives us both what I could make in profit as well as frees up $1500 a month for me, minus whatever storage would cost. That and frankly, we need a portion of those profits to pay for the wedding. I don’t expect anything from my family, and he hasn’t asked his yet. He counters that we need the profits as a down payment. Well, IF we get all the profit I suspect, all of it would be needed for 20% down on the sized house we want. And we aren’t expecting any profit on his place because of his home equity loan. 

Colby reviewed the photographer contract and had questions. He said he would reach out to them with some questions he had. That was after I asked him to, so that I wasn’t the middleman. I don’t know if he has or not. We have until the end of this weekend before the hold on our date and the special price I negotiated. Edit: He hasn’t done anything and assumed I was going to give him contact information - I did but it wasn’t in email so he didn’t realize it. We discussed in on our call while he was driving home today that since he had so many concerns it was easier to pass on them.

He has his heart set on a particular bakery for the cake. I called but they haven’t returned my messages. He says he knows it will cost an arm and leg, but the decorativeness and having someone deliver it is worth it to him. There is a Publix less than 5 minutes away from shul and that is one thing a coordinator would do - pick it up and deliver it. I’ve been reaching out to get quotes from other bakeries too, so that he can see the range of options and cost. M joked when I shared that one place wants $4.50/slice if they gave you a kiss and cigarette after that. 

I’m not sure when it started happening. When I first started sleeping over his house, he clung to the edge of the bed. After a few months he slept on his back mostly spending some time on his side facing away from me. At least he moved to the middle of his side of the bed. In the last few weeks he spends most of the night on his stomach or on his side facing me as close to the middle as he can without smushing into the foam topper. He even reaches out his hand towards me in his sleep. It’s been an interesting evolution to watch. If he could, he would have me move in completely tomorrow. 

His mom has been sending me recipes and stuff to help out with for Pesach. I’m finding myself getting my hopes up again that with the holiday and family together that he might do something then. He now knows that it is something I’ve half hoped for/expected. I know he is going to talk about guests with his mom then. 

While writing this he called on his way home. Aside from various things about our days and work, as well as upcoming plans, he gave me a talking to about how my asking him to go over contracts and go speak to people is pushing him in a direction of the engagement being meaningless. I get where he is coming from. But if he wants to have a wedding and both our houses sold and settled into a new place all within the next 18 months (or less), with the sale of his place and purchase of the new place AFTER the wedding... He is dragging his feet. And causing me more work and stress. 

That was one thing I said to him last night. Selling a house is stressful. Moving is stressful. Planning a wedding is stressful. How much stress does he want me to take on? Does he want to take care of me when I break? Does he want to take on that much stress?

I’ve already done an initial sweep of the house. I’ve got my old plates (from college) and bed ready to donate to a refugee family from Burma (through shul), and my china and most crystal out ready to be packaged up to consign. I’ve been collecting boxes and mentally planning what to pack up, when, and where to put the boxes. 

It’s funny, Tuesday night on one of our many conversations, was about specific things. He wanted to do a glass blowing class with me. I had to ask about the things I did the last time I had that class... with Jamaica. He said past boyfriends don’t matter to him, just stuff/ties to the exhusband. He doesn’t get how some of them mean as much. He joked that if he asked I get rid of things tied to my past it would get rid of everything. That isn’t true. But it does help draw a line on certain things. 

I’m reassessing... how to bring better balance and reduce stress.

[againjack]

Yesterday was a comedy of errors. I left shortly after he was up to run errands and such. He had a bunch of things he wanted to attend to. He called while I was getting the fake nails removed, hands soaking in acetone, so it went to voicemail. He texted a short while later. He had texted/asked me before I got to the nail salon to pickup something for him. His calling/texting while I was soaking was to tell me not to bother,he didn’t realize that I was near my place and thought I was still closer to where I had started the day. 

I got back to my house to chillax and spend sometime with my friend crashing at my place for the weekend. Though I was grateful when she and the kids left for dinner with friends, so I could zone out watching some tv then wash my hair. Colby had told me earlier he didn’t have a timeframe for me to come back by. We had tentative plans to do a movie and dinner, a fancy/romantic date night. It helped that game night was basically a no go. :P

He was finishing up the last stage of one of his projects and thought that at 7 he could take an hour, then we could get food, then see a 9 movie. HA. I forget why we decided not to eat in. Turns out he took until almost 830. We decided to grab a snack at the theater then dinner after. The movie was ok, not great. We ended up at a diner, since not much was open when the movie was over. We both crashed fairly quckly when we got home since it was near 1am.

This morning I was impressed that Colby got up at the first the alarm went off. I got up, walked Dakota, then went back to bed. He was sweet and asked if I wanted the music on or not before he left, I said off. I ended up sleepng until 930! I could have staid in bed longer, but I had to eat breakfast, walk the dogs, shower, and leave - all in an hour. 

When I got back from Hebrew I got caught up on some shows and emal/organizing/stuff. Around 2 I texted Colby to ask if he normally is home by then and should I wait on him for lunch. He got home around 3 and insisted I eat. :P We chatted while I ate. We talked about timing for selling my house, moving stuff to his place vs a storage unit, etc. I also gave him incentive on why to get married when I am suggesting we do - it is before baseball season starts. lol 

He went to futz with email while I did more stuff. He had targeted leaving around 5 for Costco, we left a bit after that.:P I asked him why he didn’t pick up what he needed when there yesterday, he said he didn’t want to fight the crowds Saturday afternoon. :P He told me en route that we would be stopping by his friend’s house to pick up his order of girl scout cookies from their daughter. I wish I had known, as I would have spiffed up a bit more. 

He was a bit shocked that we took less time at Costco than he thought we would. So we stopped at Trader Joe’s on the way, had some good laughs and picked up stuff that we shouldn’t have (aka nothing healthy, lots of chocolate) and STILL had too much time. We ended up deciding to just show up early. They were at their son’s baseball game, so we sat on their back porch talking for about a half hour. It was a combination of strategic talk, talk of current events, and just plain old geekery - a bunch of Harry Potter jokes. He even kissed me. :) 

After visiting with his friends a bit,it was 8pm. The original plan was for me to make dinner. But at this point we wouldn’t be home and have dinner ready until 930. So we stopped at one of his favorite places instead. I am in love with that restaurant. Over dinner we chatted more about wedding and other stuff. I swear, now that we have gotten to this point he opens up so much more to me. 

The funniest was when we were talking about cakes. He snarked about having a topper that was the TARDIS with the Doctor and companion. After some laughs and confirming he was joking, I said, "No, as much as I love the Doctor, there won't be any hokey, gimicky, stuff. We are having a classy-ass wedding." That then gave us gales of laughter at how oxymoronic "classy-ass" was. We decided that would be the secret subtitle to our wedding. lol

He is ready for me to move in now. But he sees a lot of value in waiting. Even if this week I spent 5 nights with him. lol 

[againjack]

In sync

When we went to dinner last Wednesday we got a few good laughs in. Aside from our conversation, the trivia happening, there was also the waitress. Not really her so much as she pointed out something we didn’t even notice that once we did was amusing to us.

When we ordered apparently to answer her questions about appetizer were in sync. 

“Do you want appetizer?”

“Queso.”

“Small or big?”

“Small.”

“Jalapeno?”

“No.”

Same timing, intonation, etc. Sure it is something small. But it was cute. 

I joked that we had been together a long time. “I see!” she grinned. 

[againjack]

Closer

Monday I got notice from my contractor that they were coming that day to do work on my house/yard. I was excited as some of these things were pending for months,even years in one case. They had issues finishing the fence, so the backyard was wide open. That meant I went to surprise crash with Colby. He didn’t mind, but he was a bit taken aback - in all the hectic of managing the contractor, a plumber, and work, I had forgotten to reach out to ask/tell him.

It was a nice, quiet night. I had brought and cooked dinner as a sort of “sorry for no notice.” I reminded him, when he asked if he forgot, that while I didn’t tell him (so not going to gas light him) that he did say I could stay any time. :P He said that was fair and that he did enjoy spending time with me. 

Tuesday was our typical day after where he kept reaching out in various ways, which is super sweet. We chatted that night and I told him how I keep imagining his proposing and I have that stupid say something before thinking and saying, “But we haven’t even had sex yet.” His response was that he knew I was ready. I snorted and told him that was an understatement.

Wednesday, I forgot why/how but I convinced him to grab dinner together. It was a new place near him, and who can turn down Mexican with a BOGO? It was great - food, price, drinks, service. It was a good night. The highlight was when I once again joked that he “can still back out” he gave me a serious look and told me to stop that. He then dropped that HE HAS THE RING. 

I asked him how, and did she mail something so prescious... He told me to just stop. So I did. Though I am wondering when and how. And OMG it is no longer lost! That night while he walked Loki I had a half thought to see if I could search for it, though I decided not to. If I did find it I wouldn’t be surprised. And I want to be surprised. I did excitedly tell some of my close friends who were just as excited as I was. 

Thursday was more reaching out being cute. 

Friday I asked him about services and other stuff. He was busy so he wrote back services yes, rest we can chat about. I love doing Shabbat services with him, especially now that he has stopped correcting me or explaining things to me. Our friends didn’t meet us, so we cooked in. 

Over dinner there were two highlights of amusingness. The first was I asked him if it was bad that during services I was eyeing the space and trying to decide measurements and how to decorate it. He said it was with a stern look. But then switched up to a sheepish grin that he had looked into the social hall where a dinner after services was happening and eyeing the decorations in there. I find it so incredibly cute at how excited he is and how he is so invested. 

The other wasn’t as fun or cute. Since he said he wasn’t sure when or how I had googled ideas for proposals. I had a list - a substantial one so he could pick one that worked for him and would still surprise me - and told him about it. He told me that, it may have worked with my first husband but wasn’t going to fly with him. That was crossing the line. 

We moved on from there and things went back to normal. 

We watched marvel trailers, geeked out, chatted about various things, and eventually went to bed together and snuggled up. Since we have started really opening up with each other - filters and stuff are falling away. He brought up something about being bluntly honest and what not. So when we finished that topic, I segued off of it. 

I told him how I’m concerned. I’ve said to him a few times how our relationship only has two issues - no sex and my mom. That we’ve been together for basically a year and I’ve really gotten to know him well. That he has shown me who he really is. He told me during the week when I asked that he was making progress on his issues that are keeping him from it. But, that isn’t enough. People don’t change. I am really worried that he keeps dangling this carrot in front of me, knowing how important it is, that things won’t change. I’m terrified that I’ll be stuck in another sexless marriage and how it will frustrate, then anger, me and really undo all the good we have. He said he didn’t know what to say to that. He kept stroking my arm with the hand that was wrapped around me. I know he was still awake enough to actually hear and remember my saying that. I felt better putting it out there. That this is a big issue. 

This morning I got an email from my mom. She was responding to my telling her that Colby and I are getting married and she can stuff it, basically. That I understand her concerns and that she is not in a position to contribute since my brother’s wedding is taking up her entire travel fund. She was not happy at all and making it about her and trying to guilt me. I had been trying to help Colby get up, since he didn’t want to sleep in too badly. When he was awake enough I curled up to him and shared this newest stuff. He commiserated, put it in perspective, and was just awesome. 

THAT is part of why we are so good together. He is supportive, he pushes me to take better care of myself, to not let others push me or hurt me. Even when just waking up. I’m an extension of him and even though I don’t need protecting or being taken care of, that he does. And he appreciates all the little things I do. I mentally was joking while emptying the dishwasher this morning that I’m a house elf, doing the needed but invisible things. That I am the oil keeping everything running smoothly. But what is great is he sees those things. He thanks me for those things. While occasionally I feel taken for granted, last night and this morning I realize that I’m not. It just makes me love him and appreciate him more.

[againjack]

Monday Colby checked in with me, wanting to make sure I was recovering ok. He wanted to do dinner, but I had a meeting that evening. He asked for Tuesday night, but I wasn’t sure if I would be needed to volunteer or not; he wasn’t happy but understood. I appreciate that he understands I have obligations, hobbies, and people in my life that don’t involve him. As my friend T said, it’s good that I am not isolated. 

It turned out I wasn’t needed to volunteer at the mikvah, so I ended up at Colby’s Tuesday evening. I don’t remember anything specific about that evening or the next morning. As I was telling J5 when she poked me, life hasn’t been that interesting for me lately. (Though vicariously it has because of my brother.) 

Wednesday I went from his place to the office, as there was a work event that evening. I remember being super proud of myself for planning dinner Tuesday night, breakfast, and lunch/snacks at the office when I left my house Tuesday. Sadly, my body decided to have my semiannual period from hell. It started with all sorts of yuck Wednesday - to the point I seriously contemplated leaving the office to go home and skipping the event. Free dinner won out, though I did regret it. I stayed two hours then slunk home to nurse my awful headache and growing cramps (front and back.) 

Thursday I did as little work as possible and spent most of the day in bed. That night my period started much to my relief. The idea of that pain lasting until Monday (when it was supposed to start) was really unbearable. Friday I also did as little as I could to nurse myself and get through. It was so bad I dug into my oxy that expired in 2012. 

We had made plans weeks ago to have Shabbat dinner with a friend, and he begged off services earlier in the week. I went to Colby’s to drop off Dakota and walk Loki, then met up with Colby at his shul. His second mother was there, so we chatted a bunch and sat together. We ended up leaving at 830 for the friend’s. 

I was not impressed when we got there and he had barely started dinner. He begged off services to prep dinner. We didn’t eat until 10. He insisted we watch The Hebrew Hammer while eating. Oy. We left as quickly after the movie as possible. When we got back to Colby’s he took pity on me and walked the dogs while I took more oxy and a muscle relaxer and crashed. 

Saturday morning I took it easy. The original plan was to binge watch stuff with oxy then go to my 4pm hair appointment - assuming if I took the oxy in the morning it would be out of my system by then. But my stylist had a cancelation at noon and had previously said there was an issue if I had my 4pm appointment. We were going to do a meal kit for lunch (fig glazed proscuitto pizza) but this fucked things up. While I did chill, I just took the 500mg naproxen and went to the noon appointment. 

There was a lot of texting with the game night group about IF there would be anything that night. I had offered to grab some games since I was getting gas near my house, but no one replied. After a lot of ‘drama’ it ended up at Colby’s place, the youngest of the group premade and brought dinner, another guy brought games, and it was 5 of us - me with 4 guys. At least this time Colby was there - last time I was the only chick things got slightly awkward. It did get very sausage factory at points that made me slightly uncomfortable, but not enough to say something. 

Sunday was a lot. I was glad that, as I told Colby, there is balance in the Force. when I get those uber holy-goodness-kill-me-now periods they tend to be short. So I was basically done after bleeding two days! :joy I also had planned to spoil myself, I ordered a sandwich and snicker doodle hot chocolate from Starbucks that I picked up on my way to Hebrew which went VERY well since I had found time to practice/study. 

The original plan was to head back to Colby’s after Hebrew to get ready, but I was nervous about time so I got dressed up and makeup and such before Hebrew. Good thing, I only had time to walk the dogs before heading to meet up with M, Colby, and one of the game night girls for lunch then the opera. Both went well. It was interesting M and Colby meeting each other for the first time and judging each other silently. 

That evening I made dinner from a meal kit and we chillaxed. My brother had finally told my mom his decision to get married in Vegas this Memorial Day. 

She was freaking out planning. I called her after dinner to get a feel for things, try to calm her, etc. I had her on speaker for Colby to hear, this time I didn’t tell her. He was amused as fuck at how self centered she was. She was clearly not happy when he did butt in (pretending to just come into the room.) She also wasn’t happy that I didn’t tell her where we planned to stay. A) we weren’t sure yet and b) we knew it would cost a lot and she would have a cow.

Monday I rocked out work. Colby convinced me to get TSA Precheck, which saw me drive out to Cartersville and waste over an hour of because they wouldn’t see me. Colby wanted me to come have dinner with him, but I had another meeting (my shul WRJ to plan our annual meeting/tea.) 

Tuesday I went into the office. I left around lunch to go try Cartersville again. (Long story, not a good one. To sum up, I was glad I got it done and didn’t have to make a third trip.) I got home around 430 not having eaten since breakfast and did some more work. I knocked off around 6 and texted a friend I was supposed to have dinner with. She wasn’t able to (aka she forgot) which was ok. Shortly after texting with her, Colby called. He asked if I wanted to do dinner with him. Yes, I wanted to see him and be held- so I went and we finally made those damn pizzas. 

Apparently I am now famous because sometime the week previous while walking Loki I saw the plumber and spoke with him about the massive leak the community is experiencing. He put me in his report and included that I said Colby’s toilet was running like mad. There was no obvious pipe leak, so the plumber thinks it is numerous people with running toilets. Colby was sorta upset I called him out about it, but I’ve been bugging him to fix it for months. He always shrugged it off that since the water was split evenly across the community his toilet couldn’t be that bad and impact things that much...Heh. So he finally repaired it now that he had been called out for it. 

While he was playing with the toilet and other random things around the house I putzed on my laptop - mostly doing wedding research stuff. I gave up and went to bed around 11. I’m not sure when he came to bed, but I was very happy that for the first time in weeks (it feels like) he let me curl up to him. 

Today he was extra sweet in the morning. It’s starting to be a thing when I compliment him he pretends that I am saying it about Loki. *eye roll* So when I said it this morning, after his,”Loki thanks you.” I came over, took his face in my hands and kissed him for a long moment. He enjoyed it, but also didn’t take it any further. :( 

He’s been very quiet today, but he said he would be at a client site, so I figured he was very focused and busy. 

I don’t know when we will see each other next. I don’t think he realizes how busy I am this weekend, next week and weekend. :P I have to say I like how, for the most part, he has been trying to stay in contact each day - all day in some cases - and wants to see me almost every day. It’s nice to feel wanted and connected.