agnub - Tumblr blog

[agnub]

I know the past few weeks have been really tough for you. I didn’t mean to distract you or add another burden, but if you need me, I’ll always be here… as a lover, a friend, someone to confide in, someone to exchange thoughts with, or anything else you need.

Stay strong. I love you.

[agnub]

Not a day goes by that I don’t think of you, your laughs, your smiles, our inside jokes, our drive-thru sessions, our matching outfits, the way you console me right after I lose a match, and even the way you get mad at me but instantly forgive me when I come over.

And as much as I hate Mondays, I still can’t wait for them, because it means I get to interact with you again.

I miss you.

[agnub]

Since childhood, everyone is surely taught that true happiness is about finding the right person, someone who can meet all your expectations without you having to ask.

But what if, in solitude, I find my true form of happiness? What if it turns out that the only person who can meet my expectations is myself?

"...because true happiness lies in being content with oneself rather than relying on anyone else."

[agnub]

Making memories with you is what I treasure the most, even though our time is often limited. Today was a rainy and gloomy day, but being with you made everything feel bright.

It's in the little moments that I find the greatest joy—having awkward photos together, stolen kisses during car rides while talking and laughing, watching you listen to a speech from your favorite football team's coach, teasing you during meetings, or simply deciding what to eat together.

How is it that you make the smallest things feel special?

"It's no longer 'I don't know how long this will last,' it's more like 'I want to make this last with you.'"

And it is yet another day of wishing why didn't we meet earlier.

[agnub]

It is in you that I find most reassuring, that I can't wait to share about how day goes.

It is in you that I find most comforting, that I don't feel hesitant to cry my heart out.

It is in you that I find most caring, that I don't have to decipher thoughts I have in mind.

It is in you that I find most pleasing, that the time I spend with you always feels not enough.

It is in you that I find most loving, that I can feel it even when we're apart.

Unfortunately, it is in you that I find most regretting, that I wish I had met you earlier.

[agnub]

“There’s never a ‘right’ time. There’s only time, and what you do with it.”

As we lay in bed, we talked about how our paths could have differed, imagining the countless alternate realities that might have unfolded.

And as I replayed the moments I spent with you, I realize we dwelled too much on the hypotheticals.

Instead, let’s embrace the here and now. Let's just cherish our time, no matter how fleeting, and make the most of it.

Above all, I don't regret any part of my life, for every twist and turn it has taken led me to you.

[agnub]

Your name appeared on my phone on a Sunday afternoon, which was out of the ordinary, since we don't communicate at all on weekends. You asked me one question, yet I had a multitude of words in my head I was so ready to say to you. Nevertheless, I simply played along.

And the heart started to ache again. A cascade of 'what ifs' began to come to mind again. What would it have been had it been you whom I encountered that day?

[agnub]

The Weight of Wishes

I don’t know which part of longing hurts the most: is it the pain of wanting to fill the gap between what is and what could be, the helplessness of not being able to fulfill those desires, or the part where you can’t even do an attempt to satisfy your yearning?

Of all the moments we’ve spent together, my most cherished/tormenting one would be simply sitting there, listening to your stories, while watching you. And every single time, I would think to myself, ‘How I wish I could live through this every day.’

And in between the joy of what was and the ache for what could be, I hold onto hope that perhaps, in another universe, we could close the distance between our desires and reality.

[agnub]

I sacrifice my bedtime just to write about you.

I write this because I want to come clean about a lot of things. I know this could’ve been a text or or a call, but I’m sure you’re aware of how I want to be seen cool & unbothered sometimes.

I hate how a cry-baby I am in front of you. This is getting annoying. That one time I called you crying & telling you that you didn’t try hard enough to manage your time for me because you were too damn caught up with your work. Later I found out, you were busy trying so hard not to laugh because you thought my crying face was funny. Nevertheless, you keep your promise you made that day. You text me or call me on lunch, dinner, or when you’re on toilet break.

I hate how you always give your 100% whenever we play games. I hate loosing & I sometimes get emotional over that. One time, I got too upset and left in the middle of the game because you were winning and I was losing. Even so, you still tag me along to your board games sessions, knowing damn well everytime I loose, I will always be mad at you for no reason.

I hate how you’re almost always saying yes to the things I requested. I mean, dude, how am I supposed to handle rejection after this? I wanted you to get a haircut, you did. I wanted us to go to my friend’s place though you were just recovered from vaccine’s side effect, we went there. I wanted you to come to my house when I knew you were juggling in-between meetings, you came anyway. I was longing for a car-ride at midnight, but you said you were sleepy, and I got a little upset, so we traveled back and forth to a city that’s two hours away from my place. In spite of all the hard work I put you through, you keep saying yes to my silly requests.

I hate a whole lot of things about you and it would be too long to write them all down. Regardless, in all of those hatred, I can always find a thousand more things I realize I love about you…

…that I sacrifice my bedtime just to write about you.

[agnub]

The heart still aches. Everytime someone mentions hospital, I immediately recalling the nights I spent in there, praying so hard that you would get better, but ended up going home without you.

Eyang Putri, aku kangen. Terima kasih udah dateng ke mimpi, pelukannya kerasa sekali kalau itu Eyang. Maaf ya aku udah beberapa minggu ini gak sempet ke makam. Al-Fatihah buat Eyang.

[agnub]

To whatever doubts you have that stop you from moving,

To the directions you follow, but get lost along the way,

To the silver linings that don't come after the storms,

To the happy songs you no longer feel related to,

To the chances you wish you had the courage to take,

May all these unpleasant truths teach you the lesson you need to keep living life, no matter what.

[agnub]

Your scent is still lingering on my shirt. Perhaps, the idea of spraying the excessive amount of your perfume to that green jacket you lent me the other night wasn't that bad at all. I loved how the cold breeze running through my hands that were busy keeping the helmet still because the strap was broken. The hell it was freaking 21°C, but it reminded me of the good old days we had back then. I could still recall your expressive rants about your mother being too devoutly religious it didn't come to your senses. Or that choice of lunch you let me chose though you didn't feel like eating curry, but you still went with it. But most of all, that I could be that girl friend of yours that you care so much I get to be this comfortable to be vulnerable with you.

Glad we got through the past.

[agnub]

Tendency

We used to have this habit of singing out loud whenever we were on the road. At first I started it, then you followed me, and you would always, always, be out of tune and make your own words, because you forgot the lyrics.

Funny how when it happened almost two months ago, I was too busy looking for the feelings I thought were still there, I didn't even bother to start singing.

[agnub]

Dylan: You know what I struggle with?

Luke: So many things. Baking, text messaging, the German languange...

Dylan: With women. I mean, with people. I don't think we ever really know each other. I mean, not... not fully. And how can you love someone entirely when you can't know them entirely. There might always be something there, waiting to break your heart out of knowhere.

--

Lovesick - S03E03 "Abigail (Part 3)"

[agnub]

Satuan Waktumu

rasanya baru sebentar kita baring bersisian menerka habis ini apa lalu ku terlelap lekat di pundakmu

rasanya baru sejenak bersinggungan tangan larut dalam rengkuh kata hanya seadanya tapi nyaman kutahu

ya itu satuan waktumu

[agnub]

Another Space.

I had seek your existence in every corner of a round shaped form. I knew it was pointless, and yet I felt like I had hope I'd find you after the endless circles. I held on for quite sometimes just to be sure I was pissing into the wind. I guess I was always made to be lost, or so I thought.

Then, I came across a light. At first it was merely a flash, but the more I glanced the brighter it became. It took me to another path. I realized I no longer circling, I moved forward to a different shape. I didn't have to look for meaningless corners, it had every corner I need occupied with a valuable presence. I felt content. I forgot about your gap, I found a better fit.

[agnub]

Batasku biasanya berjangka

Selalu kusebut berapa angka

Kutepati dan kubuat berkala

Semua sesuai terencana

Ketika wajibnya kucapai

Kucari yang bisa kumulai

Cobaku sedari dasar lantai

Dipikir sebentar juga selesai

Aku panggil "Ibu! Ibu! Ibu!"

Barangkali tiga kupikir cukup

Tapi masih arahku tak menentu

Kala ku pun tak lagi terurus

Kadang cepat lalu tak terpacu

Waktu, boleh berjeda mungkin?

Tidak minta berhenti

Tetapi sukar Mengiringi

Ya?