ahrirose-blog

[ahrirose-blog]

Always forgotten...

[ahrirose-blog]

I should have told you when I had the chance. I should have let it out instead of holding it in. I should not have been afraid. I should not have been to shy to speak up and say it. I should have been honest. My greatest mistake was not telling you that I love you. That I fell in love with you. That I am lost without you by my side. That I dont know how I am going to go on without you. That you are the only thing I think about.... I should have told you before it was to late. I should have told you that I love you.....

[ahrirose-blog]

I'm heart broken, hurt, lost, and alone. I thought I'd always have you there for me. I thought you were the one person who I could always count on. I thought you were the one. I thought we'd end up together and last. I thought it was me and you against it all. I thought you'd be my happy ever after. But I was wrong. You found someone for you. Dont get me wrong I'm glad you are happy, that's all I ever wanted, but I thought you would be happy with me. I cant help but sit here feeling devastated knowing the fact that I will never get to lie in your arms again. Knowing that i will never get the chance to feel your body against mine as we sleep. Knowing the fact that I will never get to kiss you again. But what really hurts the most? I was never able to tell you that I had fallen completely in love with you. I know you will never see this. But I will say it here anyways. I love you. You will always be my best friend. The one person who knows me inside and out. The one person that I let in. And all though I am in pieces knowing I lost my chance, I just want you to know that I am happy for you.

[ahrirose-blog]

I'm so fucking done with this life.... I'm tired of being trapped. I'm tired of having to chose between food and gas or being able to use a car. This is fucking bullshit. "Either pay my car payment or get the fuck out oh by the way if you pay your home rent you cant get the fuck out of here and not have anything" oh let's also add in "pay for my food, my juice for my mod, and for anything I want". To "you need to get your car fixed I'm tired of you staying here" oh but your priority with your money is to keep the person helping you happy. (Fuck the fact that I need food to survive I need gas to get back and forth to school and work). But no let's keep you happy so my life that is falling apart doesn't fall even farther apart. FUCK MY GODDAMN LIFE.... Can this life seriously end already..... #ihatemylife #fml #ratherbedead

[ahrirose-blog]

I swear, everytime without failure he knows how to make me smile. He knows how to make me feel wanted. He knows what to do to make me laugh. And I cant help but be hopelessly in love with him. Just today laying in bed with him giving him eskimo kisses he makes a weird noise and I laughed he continued to do it everytime, and when I asked why he looked at me and said "because it makes you laugh and I like your laugh". I dont think I will ever find a better best friend than him. I can only hope that he stays around.

[ahrirose-blog]

I'm definitely feeling it tonight. I'm lying here trying to get my head clear. I don't understand how one can go through this much and still continue to keep pushing. I'm tired of trying I'm tired of fighting. I just want to quit. I want this to be done and over with. Every day is a struggle and the longer it continues the worst I get.

[ahrirose-blog]

Feeling completely numb. Not numb as is I cant feel a limb, but numb in a sense of mind. I feel like nothing matters anymore. What's the point of anything. I feel like I could step outside, get hit by a car, and I would not give a fuck. Why is it when things start looking up the worst hits. Why does my mind work this way.... I'm tired of it all

[ahrirose-blog]

Why does this happen? We hang out, I stay the night. We hang out most of the next day, then I leave. Once I get home. I feel weak, i feel drained. The depression starts to sink in and I miss you all over again. It's like when l am away from I just want to be wrapped in your arms and assured that everything is ok. That no matter what you'll always be there. But something inside of breaks apart. Something inside of me tells me that nothing is alright. I suppose its suppose to be this way, because the next time I see you I know I will be wrapped up in your arms and feel your warm embrace once more...

[ahrirose-blog]

I’ve started to develop hangovers from hanging out with you. It’s like just hanging out with you is strong liquor. The first few days are the hardest, looking for reasons to reach out and make contact. Counting the moments between text messages, thinking that everything would be so much better if only you were near. As the days go on, you start to forget and return to normal life. But it only takes one afternoon together to put you right back in this place. It’s getting worse and I’m about at my breaking point.

[ahrirose-blog]

When I come undone you bring me back again, but you are not here, and I am falling apart. When I hit the ground you help me up, but you will not be here when I hit it this time. You always wrap me in your arms when I finally break and the tears just won't go away, but you are not here and the tears just keep coming. I let myself lean on you, and I was use to that, but now I am regretting it.

[ahrirose-blog]

It's nights like these I wish i were lying in your arms. It's nights like these, I just want to feel the comfort you make me feel. It's night like these where the depression consumes me and I know that you can bring me back, you can make me feel stable again. I don't know what it is about you but you ground me. You make me steady. You put me at ease. You are the light that shines in my darkness.

[ahrirose-blog]

I miss you... More than anything I miss you. You are the one person who can make me smile even when i hate life and don't want to go on. I miss you. You are the only person who knows me better than I know myself. You can look at me and know something is up before i can say a word. You are the only person that can look at me the way you do, say my name the way you do, and just like that I am melting.... I miss you. More than anything I miss you.

[ahrirose-blog]

I can not do this anymore.... I can not just sit here pretending like it does not bother me. I can not just sit here continuing to act as if I do not care. I can not just sit and continue not to say anything as I watch my life fly by and you slowly slipping away from me.. I just can't. I can not do this anymore.

[ahrirose-blog]

We live in a world where people do not think it is a good idea to talk to anyone about their problems. We tend to hide what we are actually going through and try to push it aside and pretend that it is not affecting us. Why is this? No one cares about anyone. People say you can talk to them, but when you go to them, they make excuses such as I'm busy, I cant talk right now. And they never you talk... Well I just want to say if I say or have said to you that you can talk tp me, I actually mean it. I don't care what time of day it is or what it is about. Just talk to me. No one should have to face their troubles by themselves without some sort of support system. And it saddens me that this is what this world has come to. Just know you are not alone. I am here and always will be..

[ahrirose-blog]

Can i just be done? I'm tired of feeling this way. I'm tired of living this way. I'm tired of being afraid to speak what is really on my mind. I'm tired of everything. I just want to be done.. #feelingdepressedasfuck

[ahrirose-blog]

We were laying in bed together and you looked at me with that look. That look that gets me everytime. That look that makes me fall a little deeper everytime. I buried my face into your chest and the words “what do you want” slipped from your lips.. I want you. I want to feel your body against mine. I want to feel your arms wrapped around me. I want to feel your lips against mine. I want to hear your voice as you talk about anything and everything. I want you. I want every part of you. I want to wake up everyday next to you. I want every night to end with me in your arms falling asleep. I want to see that smile on your face every morning you wake up next to me… But that’s not what I said. I politely looked up at you meeting your gaze and smiled and said “nothing”… Nothing hurts more than not being able to tell you the truth. Nothing hurts more than being afraid of losing what we have. Nothing hurts more than being afraid of trusting you…. You asked what I was thinking about and before I could answered you wrapoed me in your arms pulling me closer to you and kissed me.. I melted in your arms… You are all I ever dreamed of having. You are all I ever dreamed of wanting.. But there is some part of me that keeps pushing you away… I afraid to let you in. I’m afraid that if you knew how much I care about you, you would leave…. I want nothing more than to be able to ask you what you are thinking about when you look at me with those loving eyes, this bright glow around you, with the biggest smile on your face… But I am afraid.

[ahrirose-blog]

What do I do? I'm lost...

I am literally falling apart... I can see my life flashing before my eyes. Each day that I wake up is worse than the day before. I have no energy for anything and all I really want right now is a shoulder to lean on and a friend to listen, while i try and explain the difficulties I am facing. I honestly feel like I have no one. Don't get me wrong everyone says they are here to listen and that they are here if i need them. Yet when i make a cry for help not a damn one of them messages. Not a single one of them call me to check on me. I do not believe i can go on much longer. I am tired of fighting, I'm tired of trying. All i want to do is give up. This is more than I can possibly handle. And yet the one person i want to go to about this, is the one person I am afraid will never actually be there for me, is the one person I feel that I annoy the hell out of... I think I just might disappear from people for a little while. I have a lot to figure out, to much to figure if you ask me.... But I have to find a way to stop feeling like this. I have to find a way to make this better, because honestly as of right now I have no hope....