airventsandthotbubbles - Tumblr blog

[airventsandthotbubbles]

Riddled with insomnia

Cursed with anxiety

Pushed to wallow

Still wanting to heal

Forced to be sober

Don’t want to feel

Willing to work

Dreading the process

This is life

[airventsandthotbubbles]

Black queer joy is forged from pain

[airventsandthotbubbles]

Our Joy is Our Fire 🌈

This joy within us,

The joy we share,

At the table with our cousins

With our lovers in bed,

The one we toss in the air

When we dance till our pores drip.

This joy within us,

The joy we give,

When our lovers need to be held,

When our friends need hope,

The one that that wipes away our tears,

And heals our wounds.

This joy within you,

Is the fire in your eyes,

Lit from pain,

Kept alive by love,

Made stronger by hope.

Our joy is our fire,

The fire that will heal us,

Free us and always, renew us.

[airventsandthotbubbles]

UPGRADE U (2007)

[airventsandthotbubbles]

i hope everyone finds softness & love soon

[airventsandthotbubbles]

A Wholesome day

I remember that time when you went for a wedding party right after spending the day by the pool, playing games with me and my family. You texted me at some point in your night saying you wished you had a joint. I got one & headed over to you. When we got in, you introduced me to everyone including the groom as your girlfriend. you yelled over the loud music “Tobi, this is Etse, MY GIRLFRIEND!”. I stood behind you as you held my hand and hauled me through the party doing it over and over again.

[airventsandthotbubbles]

LORETTA DEVINE in WAITING TO EXHALE ( 1995 ) .

[airventsandthotbubbles]

[airventsandthotbubbles]

The way his love renews me >>

[airventsandthotbubbles]

I’m so hurt :( the pain is too much & I think about dying everyday, multiple times a day. I’m really worried about myself. I don’t want to even try

[airventsandthotbubbles]

Tears behind my eyes but they won’t roll out. I feel unfulfilled with how a month of this year has passed and I have achieved not a thing. I’m anxious and disappointed in myself. I’m also resentful of all my decisions leading here. I have no assurances. Just anxiety, wavering possibilities and depression.

[airventsandthotbubbles]

A meadow, A mountain & a pathway

[airventsandthotbubbles]

I feel like a person choosing womanhood. Because I’m in love with what it means to be a black woman, live as a black woman and how it feels to be part of that energy.

[airventsandthotbubbles]

it’s not enough to fantasize

I want you deep between my thighs

Fingers in my ocean

These walls feel your devotions

[airventsandthotbubbles]

I don’t want to die

I just want the pain to stop

I want to have more happier days

I want to understand joy

I want nirvana to seem like a possibility

[airventsandthotbubbles]

Acting in faith

Trying with out reason

Moving on with a hopeless heart

Motioning through all the emotions

While being so numb

While feeling defeated

The exhaustion is peak

But I cannot stop

Because I have breath in me

Because I can only depend on me

I am in my hands

[airventsandthotbubbles]

I think a lot about dying. I always have. I’ve wished myself death many times. When I think of death, a lot of the time I think of other people and how they’d take my death. I think about if I died, how unfinished will I leave things ? And would people care? Will I be remembered or celebrated in any capacity? Who would say what about me?

I think of death of a lot. But not of the after. But how the world, will go on with out me. How my world would not seize to exist because I am no longer living in that consciousness. How spaces I occupied, would stay occupied.

I think of death a lot. Sometimes about if I’ve lived enough. There are moments passed and times gone when I’ve felt like I’ve experienced enough. I know enough. I have felt enough. I have lived enough. When I’m experiencing disappointment, pure love, true romance, heartbreak, an orgasm or sadness, I feel like I’ve lived a tone. Experiencing these things the way I have at this point In my life? How haven’t I lived enough? 

I think of death alot. If I’d died now, does that mean what I am is all that would have come of me? Does that mean this is my cap ? Am I okay with that? Am I satisfied with who I am right now. If you fell and died, would you be okay with who you are now? Because you are your actions. Are you proud of your actions? Have you done enough? Are you enough ?