ajanonsworld

[ajanonsworld]

"Why'd you stop wearing eyeliner J"

Oh I your eyeliner always looks so good why'd you stop?!"

Cause all my pillow cases are STAINED from eyeliner tears 😒

[ajanonsworld]

Only I notice when my under eyes are darker than usual.

Only I notice when they've been puffy from crying all day.

Only I notice the scars on my wrists from scratching away at the skin till it bleeds.

Do they not notice or do they just not care?

"You're looking better!" My teacher says, not knowing that I'm actually a lot worse than I have ever been.

I have friends that will care about each other but never care about me.

When I'm bring up my ideation they say everyone feels it. I don't want to relate or be a statistic I just want to be noticed and acknowledged.

See me. Understand me!

"You've never been through trauma like we have" my sisters say. But I was 5 when my mom went in for consistent surgeries. I didn't know what was happening.

I was scared and no one. Comforted me.

I was 7 when my dad was shot and I saw him in hospital in a coma. No one comforted me because they thought I didn't understand.

I went through life with a sick parent, a father absent from events. Never being close to my sisters. Or my cousins. Being the odd one out at home. At school.

Being too young or not matur enough even though my cousin a year older than me was seen as mature because he was a boy.

Peope think these things are small and don't affect a person. But when you're constantly seen as too young, as an outsider, when your pain isn't seen, it manifests and grows and leads to more pain and loneliness.

[ajanonsworld]

tv shows used to have episodes....

[ajanonsworld]

I don't have a day set. But I know what I'm going to do that day and I know how I'm going out. It should probably be during the week. I know I'll call my family members. Thank my parents. Say good bye to my sisters. My nephew. I've made a list of things for everyone. I know the gifts I want to buy.

I'll call my parents first to tell them I love them and have one last amazing call together. Call my granny. Then my sister and her son. I'll tell him about the toy excavator I bought him that he can build from Lego's. My other sister who I'll talk to about books and school. My cousin and her kids. My other cousin who I'll make poop jokes with an complain about school to. My best friend who I don't want to hurt even more. I hope she'll understand and forgive me.

Last my boyfriend. We'll have a date night, maybe play a few games and then watch Jurassic park 3. We've been planning to watch it but never did. I'll make sure to get dressed up, do my hair and make up. I want him to remember me as beautiful.

I already know the gift I'll buy him to be posted. Before I do it I'll message his mom to thank her for bringing him into my life.

Once that is done I'll be ready to go. I hope my boyfriend is asleep by then because if I ask to end our call and not fall asleep together or he'll get suspicious.

I'll make sure to say hi to the people who my friends and family have lost when I'm gone

[ajanonsworld]

When you're dating someone with strict parents, don't make them feel bad for not "adding efforts" to see you. Sometimes their hands are tied from doing much.

Don't say things like "so you can't fight for me?" That's a dick move, if you ask me. Yeah, there are people that have less strict parents that they can be flexible with their made up stories to be with you, but understand that parents are different. Giving them suggestions on how to handle their strict parents can be hella risky, so you just have to accept the little thing they can do to be with you, even if it's just once in three months (it'll feel like a ldr despite leaving close.)

It's not their fault, really. You don't know how they cope at home. Don't be selfish. That stupid statement of "if you love me you'd do anything for me" isn't just...it. Understand how hard it is to deal with strict parents that have always turned them down whenever they ask for permission to go out, even to talk a stroll. It's fucked up. Imagine being turned down to the point where you don't even bother asking them again because you already know their answer. Telling them that "have you tried asking? You don't know until you try" can be pressuring because they know they have tried MULTIPLE TIMES but it's the same answer.

Just...chill and appreciate the little time they spend with you when that opportunity comes.

[ajanonsworld]

everything in this life is temporary. except that fandom hyperfixation from when you were 14. that thang will be with you forever there's no escaping.

[ajanonsworld]

When I was 6 I used to fantasised about cutting my fat with scissors, why is everyone so surprised now?

[ajanonsworld]

[ajanonsworld]

never in my life i have thought nikocado avocado would be my weight loss motivation

[ajanonsworld]

Worked out for two hours and ate 900 cals. On my way to being a skinny queen

[ajanonsworld]

Adding thinspo to my Home Screen to motivate me

[ajanonsworld]

“you’re more than a number”

actually no! my mood depends on it every day.

[ajanonsworld]

When you say "I'm so hungry" but also think "I can go another hour"

[ajanonsworld]

Eating while searching th!nsp@ cause why not

[ajanonsworld]

Every purge feels like one step closer to being skinny and one step closer to being hotter and more unrecognisable

[ajanonsworld]

Mood

*sighs* gets vibrator to pass them time while restricting

[ajanonsworld]

I am not jealous I am not jealous I am not jealous