ajay-benitez - Tumblr blog

[ajay-benitez]

AIR [ruina rex]  ╬ anaya + adrián

anayadolmen​:

[At least Anaya has the comfort of not completely fucking this up, since Ajay is not immediately kicking her out or crying harder. So, hopefully this means they share some of the same mind about these sort of things, and her words can mean something good. She’s immensely glad.

He even cracks a smile, to which she responds with one of her own, something small and sympathetic, muted around the edges as to not disturb the now quiet ambiance of the half-destroyed room. It feels weirdly peaceful in here. She understands why he came all the way down to have an outburst.

The question has her perking up and, having to decide in a split second if she should lie or not, she ends up stuttering her way through the truth.] W– yes, and no. I mean– I knew of him. I met him. I– well. He found me in the Games, once, and that was scary. [Is it rude, to be candid about how scared she was of a dead man? Surely not, anyone who takes one look at her can see why she’d be frightened to death by someone like Kaiser in a setting like the Games. She hopes Adrián finds it funny rather than insulting, since it’s the only story she has to tell.] I mostly just saw him around, besides that. But I know he meant a lot, to this place, and to a lot of people. Right?

[ ‘He found me in the Games once, and that was scary’. It explains so much—her faltering over the reply, her uncertainty about what to say—no doubt whether or not to tell the truth. But Adrián is glad she did, because it makes him laugh. And he’s only known this news for a handful of minutes, in the grand scheme of things, and yet it feels like it’s been hours since he’d laughed. Days. The laugh feels good. It’s grounding, even if it’s weak.] 

Right, that tracks. And you know... I think there were probably more people who felt like you about him—terrified, I mean—than there were people he meant a lot to, specifically... [it sounds mean to say, as he hears it, but it’s sort of the truth, isn’t it? Kaiser wouldn’t have denied it. He didn’t have a lot of true ‘friends’ here, if any—but he’d also not been here to make friends. It most definitely hadn’t been his priority, in any case.]

I think.. for a lot of people, he was just sort of there. Just this huge, lumbering, rumble of a man. Vaguely threatening and consistently intimidating...[he manages a small, soft grin in memory, turns it her way.] It’s how I felt about him, at first. He actually scared the shit out of me. I always thought he looked like he wanted to eat me for dinner. And not in the good way. But... fuck, I don’t know what happened. He became a friend. When I... wasn’t looking, or something. 

[ajay-benitez]

midnight fathoms | ajay & annie

annie-perrault​:

[’I could be both. Secretly sweet and also a pain in the ass.’ Annie grins, because yeah, that’s true. He kind of is both, but in a good way. Like, pain in the ass (affectionate). His whole not-boyfriend-material thing, that’s pain in the ass behaviour, because she’s pretty sure she’d never said anything about that kind of thing.

Like, in a totally linear way, sure, you go on dates and then you’re dating and then you’re a couple. But Annie feels, as a trans person, that it’s her god given prerogative to not do things linearly if she doesn’t want to. She doesn’t know if she wants a boyfriend or a girlfriend or anything, she just knows that she likes making out because it feels nice and can’t that be enough?

It’s kind of hard to feel too righteous about it all, though, because Annie’s never been described as ‘wildly sexy’ before and she isn’t sure if she feels like that – mostly she just feels gawky and flustered – but it’s definitely nice to hear it from someone like Ajay, because she thinks he’s wildly sexy, and the idea of someone wildly sexy finding Annie sexy is just thrilling. She always thought that was crazy, like, the statistics of that. There’s so many people in the world, so imagine someone you think is hot also think that you’re hot. Sometimes it seems too good to be true, but plenty of people seem to manage it. Even Annie’s managing it now, apparently.

Although she’s still flustered from that, her mouth turns down in a small frown. What he’s saying is sweet, but…]

Adrián, I’m not like, asking you to marry me or anything. You’re not even the only person I’m seeing right now! Like, unless you’ve got, I don’t know, popping candy lips, I’m not gonna fall hopelessly in love with you just if we make out. [Okay, that came out meaner than Annie intended. She’s just… frustrated. It feels like Ajay has skipped several steps and is freaking out about commitment way too early. Like, she definitely stands by her ‘sweet’ assessment.

She does really appreciate him saying she’s important to her. And she feels the same, especially now that she’s out she feels like she can be real and comfortable around him, and that he understands her in a way most people here could never. But it also kind of worries her in a way, the ‘not wanting to take advantage’ thing, because she thinks she knows what he’s getting at with that.] 

But also, like, if you’re worried about the Delusion thing. I think that’s something you need to pick a side on sooner rather than later because it’s not fair to flip flop on that. And in terms of taking advantage, like… I’ve been here for six years. Consequences here are still real to me. I’m not gonna do stuff just for the sake of it, because I don’t know if this really is my life now. This isn’t just my consequence free little dream world, I live here. I still overthink every little thing I do, y’know, like if I do something it’s because I really want to do it, not just because I think it’ll stop being real some day. You are real to me, and maybe it’s in a different way to how I’m real to you, but there’s plenty of weird things about me so I don’t really know why that’s where you’d draw the line of ‘too weird’.

[Er, end rant. Annie takes a long sip of her wine after that; it all came out a bit more impassioned than she intended it to, especially given she’s the one saying it doesn’t need to be a huge commitment. Like, she’s not sure where she’s going with this, it’s just how she feels.]

[He feels like a horrible ass saying this, but shit—yes, he’s surprised to hear she’s dating someone else. Like, he isn’t even really ‘dating’ anyone else. He’s a flirt, but beyond that...? He’s not actively been out with anyone or anything. 

But it’s the right kind of surprise, as it turns out, because weirdly, that does make him feel better. And it’s not because he wants to be able to like... date her with no strings because he’s a player—he’s definitely not remotely cool enough to be a ‘player’—it’s just because he is genuinely worried about hurting her and he knows himself well enough to be wary around a—and he’s not throwing shade with this but—virginal girl who might get emotionally attached very quickly. And he’s also not saying that (thinking that) because he’s an asshole who doesn’t care—he’s already established quite throughly, in fact, that he does care about her a lot. And maybe he could get into this and decide he wants to, you know, settle down for a while or something. But he doesn’t know, and he was just... worried. 

His brows raise a bit, but he smiles, nods, and keeps listening. 

And she calls him out. Fairly so. 

Because she’s right. It’s not fair to flip flop. And he has been sort of... walking that line, uncertain how he felt about the whole Delusion thing. Because even after they talked about it the first time, it didn’t answer all his questions or quell his concerns about the... confusing grey areas of consent. Her new elaboration though.. it does help clear a lot of things up.]

[He thinks on that a moment, tongue dragging across the inside of his cheek, calm but studious. Then, he smiles again.] No, you’re... very right. It’s not fair of me. But thank you, for calling me out on it and for explaining because you sorta hit the nail on the head with the consequences thing. It’s not so much that you might think I’m not real or whatever, but I was worried you might, er...make choices you wouldn’t in your... other life. In a life you see as the ‘real one’ or like... the one that ‘counts’. [The air quotes here feel necessary.] Like... I’m sorry if I’m being too forward, I don’t mean to embarrass you, and I’m realizing now that maybe I made a lot of assumptions but like... to lose your virginity but also get to keep your virginity? I was just... very aware that like... I don’t know. The whole consent thing seemed messy to me. And I’m really big on consent. [He cracks a smile—because duh, everyone should be.

He clears his throat, and suddenly, he frowns, his smile faltering.] Uh, not that I’m saying we’re going to—y’know. I’m not assuming any of that. But just, uh. I was just worried about that stuff in general. But it’s good to hear—that it’s real to you. That it’s not a consequence-free world or anything. Because I just... on top of not wanting to hurt you, I also didn’t want to take advantage of anything. I wasn’t worried about weird. I’m a bisexual trans guy with a dick by Van Asch Prosthetics, who also happens to be able to move things with my mind. ‘Weird’ has lost all meaning. If it had any to begin with.

[ajay-benitez]

mortal projections || bode + ajay || ruina rex {howl}

bodelevy-lindqvist​:

ajay-benitez​:

[The touch of Bode’s leg makes Ajay look over at him. It’s not a touch he expects, but it’s one he welcomes. One he’s almost surprised to welcome. But the touch—the touch feels good. Grounding. Kaiser had touched him that way, too—in a way that was once unexpected, but Ajay had come to predict—and a way that was humanizing and casual. It didn’t have to be ‘friendly’ in the traditional way, to be comforting. It had made Ajay realize that for someone so keen on company, he spends a lot of time going untouched, platonically or otherwise.

Don’t make a martyr out of him, Bode insists. And it might’ve come off as harsh if it hadn’t been followed by so much of the truth. Reality, painted unprettily and honest. An offer of a shifted perspective, a reminder Ajay probably needs right now. And the truth is actually a lot more comforting than the the cookie cutter conciliations he’s likely going to get just about anywhere else right now. 

It also sounds like a perspective Kaiser might have. Something he might’ve said.

‘Don’t get wrapped up thinking about what each of us deserves.’ Because the universe doesn’t care, and because it’s not for us to decide. Dark, maybe, but fair. And Adrián is feeling pretty dark these days, anyway.

He thinks a moment, gaze wandering similar absent patterns to the tongue dragging restless lines on the inside of his cheek. He appreciates what Bode’s said, but he doesn’t know what to say in return. His head still feels empty, nothing but cotton and fog behind his brows, and a gnawing ache behind his breastbone.] 

You’re right, [he says finally. Then, a tiny slip of a grin and he glances at the Torren again.] Though I’m guessing I don’t have to tell you that. [A pause. He clears his throat.] Um. Thanks, by the way. For the company. And the weirdly comforting nihilism, [he quips finally. Because he never claimed not to use humour as a crutch.] 

___

[He matches his smile, although it teeters closer to bemusement than joy or humor.] Of course I’m right. Between the two of us, I’m the only one with a working brain cell. [He’s not used to joking around with the civilians of 22 but it’s a nice change of pace all things considering. He leans back on the bench, letting his leg remain pressed against Ajay’s.] Sure. What else are knights in shining armor for?

[He’s looking at Ajay and the exhaustion coloring his face, and for a moment he sobers. He might not like Kaiser or the danger he might have out his brother in but it didn’t change the affect he had on people. It doesn’t change the anvil of pain his absence leaves behind.] You know, a long time ago someone mentioned to me that it’s not always the people you miss but the way they made you feel. Whether it was loved or capable or…simply enough, visible. Some people leave a mark without meaning to and others bite at the bit to not be forgotten, either way both are achieved the same way. The people you meet, the people you love or hate, they’re the ones who are left behind to remember you. It’s important to not make him out to be some Saint but it’s okay to…miss the way he made you feel. It’s okay to want some say in how that feeling stays with you.

Just…don’t get wrapped up doing the wrong thing in trying to keep that feeling. That’s all.

[He’s getting the impression Bode is worried about something, but maybe Ajay is too blinded by his own grief to really see it. Caught up doing the wrong thing? Not making Kaiser a saint? Something is telling him it’s all supposed to mean something, that Bode is trying to give him some kind of advice or steer him in one direction rather than another, but Ajay can’t see which direction he’s heading, either way. He can’t see past the windshield, past the rain. So if Bode is trying to warn him about something it’s not having an immediate effect. It’s not falling on deaf ears, exactly... but Ajay doesn’t know how to compartmentalize or process most of what’s being said to him. He can’t yet see the relevancy.

He gives a minute shake of his head, a gentle buckling of his brows that’s short-lived.] No I... definitely wouldn’t say I’m making him out to be a Saint. He was a.. chaotic, problematic dude. But I just... liked him. [A shrug.] And he wasn’t as bad as people made him out to be, either. Just... nobody really knew him. Even I barely did but I saw... [he trails off. Shakes his head, this time with more conviction.] Anyway. It doesn’t matter. 

[He looks over at Bode briefly, but his eyes still feel damper than he’d like, so he blinks and looks away.] You don’t have to worry, anyway. I’m not going to... raid your distribution centre in a moment of rage and injustice, or anything like that. If that’s what you’re worried about. [He cracks a small smile, nudging Bode’s knee at the comment. A gesture, a plea to be understood that he’s intending it to be playful, but he doesn’t have the energy he usually would to follow through with the sense of humour.]

[ajay-benitez]

finders keepers | ajay & cambie

cambieandrews​:

As a retired Chad, I take that personally. [Alright, that’s an exaggeration. But she’d been pretty fearsome at volleyball in school – and though she’d not really participated in a lot of sports, her performance in PE was always excellent thanks to her rigorous dance training. Her performance in other classes had been solid, if a little more variable. She’d certainly never had a head for maths, but… 2144? Really? ] 

In the politest way possible, you’re never twenty years old! Or if you are, the apocalypse has really taken its toll on you and I’ll be looking up your birthday so I can get you some moisturiser along with my apologies. [She’s – incorrectly – assuming he had meant he was born in 2144. Which, alright, he looks good, but certainly well into his adulthood, so pull the other one.] 

[ ‘As a retired Chad.’ Pfft. Yeah right. But he can’t blame her for not really following his convolute symbolism and Adriánisms.] No, no, a ‘Chad’ isn’t just any person who liked gym class. A ‘Chad’ is like... the jock who also asked if you could feel earthquakes while on an airplane and who dated Kelly from the cheerleading squad but dated her younger sister after she ‘got boring’ and also who truly believed hot girls would fight over his dirty jockstraps if he sold them on ebay. That’s a Chad. So if you’re a Chad then... well, I have severely misjudged you. And maybe.. I would like to go back to being that blissfully ignorant. 

[Cambie doesn’t immediately get the 2144 reference, which tracks. For someone who’s quite comfortable and open about being trans, he really doesn’t talk about it a whole lot. But it’s not that he can’t, it’s that he doesn’t think to. It’s been a part of him such a long time that sometimes he forgets not everybody even knows.] 

Oh, hah—no, I’m not trying to pass for a teenager. I’m not that delusional—though sometimes I wish I were. 2144 is when I transitioned. I just feel weird saying ‘keeping it real’ since before I was, you know.. actually keeping it real. 

⚧️

[ajay-benitez]

to know you all wrong | draco + adrián { howl }

draco--pavlovic​:

I will do best not to push but I can not make promise.

{Ajay may be putting on his usual face but Draco can immediately tell that something’s off. His shoulders are a little too stiff, eyes not quite mirroring the grin on his face.

Presumably it has something to do with the recent death (what a fucking downer that’s turned out to be), but Draco doesn’t say anything because he doesn’t actually care. He’d known Kaiser all for five minutes so there’s really nothing to mourn, and he’s never been particularly good at dealing with other people’s emotions. The last thing he wants is for Ajay to break down crying or some shit; if he really has to, Draco would much prefer if he could get drunk first.

Grabbing ahold of the ladder he climbs up into the loft, idly brushing a few lumps of dried dirt to the side before sitting. There is less horse shit this high up but the smell of the animals remains pungent. Keen to mask the stench with something more pleasant he stretches out his hand and wriggles his fingers in the direction of the bottle.}

I need big drink to get over bad smell. I am feeling like Herkules. 

[Instantly, Ajay is reassured that he called the right person tonight. Draco is crassly charming and reliably amusing. There’s nothing he says that isn’t funny in some way, and it’s not (purely) because of that accent, and it’s also not even because he’s trying to be all that funny. In fact, Ajay is pretty convinced it just comes naturally to the Torren, and that’s in part why Adrián finds him so damn refreshing. Because he doesn’t take anything too seriously, and yet he takes life just seriously enough. He doesn’t care enough to stop himself from saying what he means and what he thinks, but he cares enough to spend the breath telling you about it. It’s not that life doesn’t matter; it’s that it does matter, and it’s too short to waste his time worrying about hurting people’s feelings or saving face.

And so Ajay laughs as he hands Draco the bottle—it’s a genuine, comforting laugh, that sort of makes him happy and sad all at once, because it’s a relief of this taught, terrible pressure in his chest and it feels good to feel something joyful, even if it reminds him of how fucking joyless he’s felt the past couple of days.] 

I’m sorry, did Hercules sleep in a barn? Was that in the Disney movie? What am I missing? 

[ajay-benitez]

AIR [ruina rex]  ╬ anaya + adrián

anayadolmen​:

[Anaya nods, too, because she can understand that at least – the hopelessness that comes with grief. Watching the Earth blow up from above hadn’t been easy to process, but her and Costin had years of nothing but processing to do. And with it, that same feeling had come.

It felt like they should’ve done more, or done something differently, or anything, really. She remembers resenting the fact that she’d never traveled enough, or how she should’ve picked up more hobbies, or how she never got to adopt a cat. But it was different to be grieving your own life, as opposed to someone else’s. In her case, it was a matter of accepting defeat, staring down the face of oblivion and knowing you could’ve only been yourself, there was no other way to live. When it comes to other people, it’s a bigger monster to face. She knows it’s harder to let it go when it doesn’t come to your own fate being cut short, but a friend’s.]

Yeah. Well, Hallmark movie or not, it’s fair. I think we always feel like that, [she offers. She can extend all the sympathy in the world, but she doesn’t have the right words to say to make this burden any lighter to bear. A defeated sigh deflates her body and she slumps down on the chair.] People say “oh, they’ll always be with you”, and all that, but I know that’s not how it feels at first. It just sucks. For a while. But… 

[She pauses, thinks of her words, hopes she’s not making a fool of herself in her attempt to be comforting.] If anyone has made an impact, it was Kaiser, I think. So I think in that sense, his presence will stick around. You know? And I think he would’ve liked that. [She’s mostly talking out of things she knew about the man, from others, not her own involvement with him, so she just hopes she’s right.] And by being his friend, you keep him around for a bit longer, too. I don’t know, I think that’s kinda nice to think about.

[She’s right about that; that he’d have liked to know that his presence would stick around beyond his death. That he’d made enough of an impact in life, that he’d be rocking the boat still from six feet under. That even his passing would make waves. 

It’s what he would have wanted. Though, to be honest, it’s probably what he expected. That man was nothing, if not confident. If not sure to the marrow of his very bones, that he was born to be a force and a force he would be. 

She’s also right, that the ‘regular comforts’ don’t do much. And in a way, it’s weird, because how does one comfort someone mourning after the End of the World? They’re all so use to loss by now, they’ve all lost loved ones, friends, home towns, memories. They’ve lost everything. So, by some arguments, what’s one more person? 

But somehow, even D-Day hadn’t changed what this felt like, apparently. Loss. It still felt jarring and unfair. It still felt like a surprise, even as death has laid bare and overpowering all around them for the last 6 years. 

He nods. She’s a bit rambly, but she’s making sense, and Ajay finds that hearing her talk about him and what he was like, describing his life, his spirit while he was alive, as opposed to how they’re all ‘meant’ to feel now—that’s actually the more comforting thing. He looks up at her.] 

Yeah... I mean, you’re right. He definitely would have. [A crack of a weak smile. The memory of the weight of his heavy arm draping over Adrián’s slim shoulder. He can almost feel it now, like a ghost.] You ever meet him? Or, y’know... talk to him? 

[He’s not expecting her to say yes, necessarily. It’s a small Colony and people know of a lot of people. But a surprising amount of people haven’t necessarily crossed paths. Regardless, he just wants to hear something, anything. Something that’s not from his own head. Something to get him out of it, in fact. If only for a little while.] 

[ajay-benitez]

midnight fathoms | ajay & annie

annie-perrault​:

Oh. [She shakes her head at his apology for being flaky, because she didn’t think that. Obviously there was nothing to stop her initiating something either, and things were casual anyway. She’s not, like, holding Adrián to any particular standards. But maybe that’s where the confusion came from, because it felt casual but at the same time serious because he was taking it slowly.

He is right, though, about the ‘when’. It’s not like there’s been endless opportunities for that. And sure, those opportunities could be made but Annie’s beginning to realise that not everyone thinks about this stuff as much as she does. Adrián saying he didn’t want to be ‘that guy’ pouncing on her after the first date echoes what Lissy and Fee had said about it, and even if she wouldn’t have minded being pounced on, she does appreciate the sentiment behind it. Adrián is a lot sweeter than he credits himself for.] 

I mean, that depends on what we’re doing in training, because if it’s archery then that’s like, my one time to shine and I’d be pretty mad if you distracted me. [She makes a quiet, teasing joke and hopes it shows she’s not going to be totally neurotic about the whole thing. Annie knows she takes things too seriously a lot of the time.] But no, you’re right, I guess there hasn’t really been a good time. I would just like to… you know, register my interest if an opportunity happened to come up.

And I don’t think you’re a pain in the ass, just so you know. I think you’re secretly sweet, even if I can already like, feel you revving up to disagree with that. And to that I would like to say, a real asshole wouldn’t be worried about whether his assholeishness was going to upset or hurt anyone.

[Phew, okay, the tangle of nerves twisting in her belly really aren’t easing up. It’s absolutely mortifying saying all of that, especially the part about wanting to kiss him, but it also feels silly to not say it. They’re on a date, and it’s pretty effectively established that this isn’t a joke or a prank for Adrián, so she’s allowed to be attracted to him. She’s just uncertain with how forward to be. It feels like an impossible balance. She wants to let him know she’s interested, and even eager, but then she worries that being too eager will make him uncomfortable since he’s already expressed reservations about her Delusion and so on.

It occurs to Annie for the first time that this is possibly, in some ways, more difficult for him than it is for her. She’s anxious and insecure, but it’s all in vague, general, exciting ways. He’s legitimately worried that he might hurt her, and she doesn’t know what to do about that. She doesn’t really think he could hurt her, but believing that too blithely probably would only prove his point about her naïvety. They just have to play it by ear, she supposes. And she’ll figure things out on her side, and he’ll decide whether she’s too vulnerable.

She just hopes he reaches a conclusion on that sooner rather than later, because the longer it takes the more it would hurt if he decided he wasn’t comfortable with this.]

[He has to give her credit, for his being nearly ten years her senior, she is lightyears ahead of him, maturity wise. At least, that’s how she comes off, when she wants to. Sweet and innocent and nervous as she might be, it seems when she puts her mind to it, and when it’s really important, she can articulate herself in a way that seems much more adult and thought out than his own vaguely incoherent rambling. Though... maybe comparing to himself isn’t setting the bar terribly high. 

He smiles when she says she’d like to ‘register her interest’. It’s cute, because sometimes he forgets she’s almost as big of a nerd as he is. ‘Bad boy’ or not, he’s decidedly not the cool kind. Even with the Grand Theft Auto—though he doesn’t mind pretending, anyway.

He purses his lips when she calls him secretly sweet. Not because it bothers him, exactly, but because she’s already calling him out for being posed to disagree, and so he’s biting his tongue to keep any cheeky replies in check. She’s already got him on that, so there’s no point being that predictable. She’s earned the win, anyway. 

Instead, he chuckles a little, smile downturned to the table a minute before he looks back up at her.] Well... I mean, to be fair, I could be both. Secretly sweet and also a pain in the ass. [He smirks. And she really does look beautiful, tonight—though she always does. That twinkle in her eye and the dimple in her left cheek, that gets deeper when she smiles, brighter when she blushes. Yeah, of course he’s infatuated with her—she’s sexy and funny and sweet. But she’s also twenty... three? Or something, and she also thinks Ajay is just a figment of her imagination and he also is not... great at relationships. That is to say, he’s never actually been in one. Nothing serious, anyway. And he’s not sure what he’s capable of. He likes her, but he also respects her, maybe too much to be particularly spontaneous about any of this.

Though, if it weren’t for the table setting them apart, maybe he’d choose now to give her a proper kiss. As good of a time as any, in some ways.] 

Trust me, Annie. I’m definitely attracted to you. And maybe I could have been more forward but... I’m not, er. Well, I’m not much in the way of... boyfriend material, shall we say. And also... I think you’re wildly sexy, but I also love your company and value your friendship. And I promise, I’m not saying that like... a shitty, ‘I don’t want to hurt our friendship’ line. I just mean... both things are important to me. I would hate to not.. go about this the right way and make you hate me with one of my fuck ups. Because I know you think I’m great and all, but I have to tell you, I feel like it’d be shockingly easy for me to do. You’re actually... like, pretty important to me? But I’m... I guess I’m just worried about... taking advantage of the situation, somehow. And I’m not... commitment isn’t my strong suit.

[He feels like there’s probably a better way of putting it, some better way to articulate what he means that’s more forthright and clear, but he jus thasn’t found it. He’s not trying to beat around the bush, he’s just not great at this. And he also doesn’t want to risk sounding like he’s not interested in her.]

[ajay-benitez]

cloud-gazing // ajay and dot

dot-speckter​:

Get off it. [Her jaw dropped, glaring at him, part of which was caused by the sun. Dot didn’t care if he was taking the piss, she was sadly, and surprisingly, a Hunger Games fan.] Gale is a piece of shit. I will live and die by that.

[Movies were never her immediate choice, finding solace in books rather than film adaptations, but she indulged from time to time. Rarely. Although, it was a day off, and as much as she wished to continue reading, her eyes were beginning to hurt from hours spent within the pages.] Now that you’ve mentioned it, I might go watch the movie.

[Dot couldn’t offer any other ideas, nor could she go find a sports car, so this one would have to do. She couldn’t exactly ask Ajay if he wanted to knit with her, something she’d temporarily put aside during her book escapades.]

⚧️

[Dot’s reaction is somehow not at all what he’d expected, and even though he’d come to expect the unexpected from her, the ferocity behind her Gale stand point quickly has him laughing.] What? What are you talking about? Girl, I totally understand being an Everlark shipper, like, I get it, it’s angsty and sweet. But what the fuck makes Gale a piece of shit? Like, that’s the hill you’re gonna die on? Please, do tell, do explain. Share your argument with the masses—and by masses, I mean me—so at least your death will not be for nothing. 

[Adrián doesn’t really feel any particular way about The Hunger Games, or it’s romances. Not beyond passing opinion, anyway. But it’s already pretty established a lot of what Ajay says he just says for the sake of saying it, and when it comes to stuff like this, he’s much more interested in watching other people passionately obsess than he is about doing it himself. Maybe it’s his way of living vicariously through the people around him. Because there’s not a lot he actually does feel passionate about. Day to day life, in and of itself, is exhausting and draining enough for Ajay—he doesn’t have many spoons left to get passionate or bother with too many opinions. So he lets other people do that in his place—though, there are times he definitely envies the fire in their eyes. Maybe it’s yet another thing that drew him to Kaiser in such an unexpected way.]

[ajay-benitez]

mortal projections || bode + ajay || ruina rex {howl}

bodelevy-lindqvist​:

[All the while Ajay spoke of Kaiser, Bode’s stomach began to hurt. Like someone shoved a knife into him and was slowly beginning to twist the handle. Was he aware how predatory Kaiser came off? Or was Bode more aware of it than others simply because he’d spent a childhood watching his father do the same exact thing to unsuspecting women. He can still see his smile, sleazy, hungry while his hand traveled up their thighs.

Men like that don’t see people, they see toys, or in this case, weapons—casualties. Bode pitied Ajay for grieving a man who more than likely wouldn’t stop to check his pulse on the battlefield much less grieve him. It didn’t seem fair, Bode thought to care so much for people who would never reciprocate.] Ajay. [He meets the others eyes as his leg presses against his. The heat is both shocking and grounding.]

I think it might be in your best interest to not make a martyr out of him. He was a large man, passionate, sure, but he’s just a man. [He let’s out a breath through his nose.] No one here wants to go down without a fight and if they say otherwise they’re full of shit. But take it from someone whose been where you are. Your grief, your rage, your loneliness will take advantage of you if you let it. It will blur your vision and you’ll make mistakes you never meant to make.

This world of ours, it isn’t for the faint of heart that’s for sure, but let me make this clear. Passion won’t be enough to survive it. The universe doesn’t care about our importance, Ajay. It doesn’t care about what Kaiser would have wanted or what you would have wanted for him. We’re just men. Enhanced or not we’re still flesh and bone. Feeble. [He drops his gaze for a moment.] Don’t get wrapped up in thinking what each of us deserves. That’s a long winding path you’ll never see the end of. It’s not for us to decide. [He shakes his head slightly.] It’s not for anyone of us to decide, much less Kaiser and his political agenda.

[The touch of Bode’s leg makes Ajay look over at him. It’s not a touch he expects, but it’s one he welcomes. One he’s almost surprised to welcome. But the touch—the touch feels good. Grounding. Kaiser had touched him that way, too—in a way that was once unexpected, but Ajay had come to predict—and a way that humanizing and casual. It didn’t have to be ‘friendly’ in the traditional way, to be comforting. It had made Ajay realize that for someone so keen on company, he spends a lot of time going untouched, platonically or otherwise.

Don’t make a martyr out of him, Bode insists. And it might’ve come off as harsh if it hadn’t been followed by so much of the truth. Reality, painted unprettily and honest. An offer of a shifted perspective, a reminder Ajay probably needs right now. And the truth is actually a lot more comforting than the the cookie cutter conciliations he’s likely going to get just about anywhere else right now. 

It also sounds like a perspective Kaiser might have. Something he might’ve said.

‘Don’t get wrapped up thinking about what each of us deserves.’ Because the universe doesn’t care, and because it’s not for us to decide. Dark, maybe, but fair. And Adrián is feeling pretty dark these days, anyway.

He thinks a moment, gaze wandering similar absent patterns to the tongue dragging restless lines on the inside of his cheek. He appreciates what Bode’s said, but he doesn’t know what to say in return. His head still feels empty, nothing but cotton and fog behind his brows, and a gnawing ache behind his breastbone.] 

You’re right, [he says finally. Then, a tiny slip of a grin and he glances at the Torren again.] Though I’m guessing I don’t have to tell you that. [A pause. He clears his throat.] Um. Thanks, by the way. For the company. And the weirdly comforting nihilism, [he quips finally. Because he never claimed not to use humour as a crutch.] 

[ajay-benitez]

finders keepers | ajay & mira

mira-sigar​:

[Mira wonders if she should ask Ajay if he doesn’t mind her repeating these things to Annie, but she doesn’t. Because there’s a part of her that wants to tell Annie so bad. A part of her that feels like she finally has something to contribute when all of her friends are talking and chatting and giggling about different things and people they liked or friends they had or things they’d seen. She doesn’t think Ajay would mind. Not really.] Yes, Annie does have wonderful legs, [Mira says with a nod.] That’s a good thing, yes? Some people like when people have long legs? [She didn’t realize that that was a key factor of attraction for some people. It seemed like people were into all sorts of different things. Most of which she doesn’t really understand, but she’s not going to judge anyone. 

Besides, she could admit when she did know that Annie has really nice legs. Then again, she thinks everything is perfect about all of her friends. 

Mira laughs, giving a small nod.] Oh, yes, she’s very fun. It takes some time for her to open up to people sometimes, but she seems to like you so I suspect she’ll be more herself around you as you two get to know each other more. [She wonders if her saying that Annie liked him was too much. No, because Mira liked him, Ajay seems really nice. And she likes Annie and it doesn’t mean anything special. She’s over thinking this as she tries her best not to overshare Annie’s feelings toward him.]

I can see why she thinks so highly of you. You’re nice to be around, Ajay. And it seems you think pretty highly of her as well. [Then, after considering it, she does decide she’ll ask,] Would you prefer if I didn’t tell Annie what you said about her? Or is this something that doesn’t have to stay confidential? I’ve learned about casually adding things to the conversation, so if you want me to try to pass any of that along in a more discreet way to her, I’d be happy to help. [Mira’s ready to help out Annie and also Ajay by casually–her own way of being casual–that Ajay seems interested in her, but she’s definitely over explained the concept of being a wingman. Not that she knows that’s what she’d be doing. She’s just always more than ready to help out her friends.] 

[She seems to stumble over the legs commentary, even as she’s agreeing with him. Like she’s still updating the database of information she has on ‘human attraction’, and ‘legs’, and where those two things intersect. Wow... it really does feel a bit like talking to an AI, and he sort of wonders what information the researchers here might have on her ‘condition’ that they aren’t sharing. Is there a chance she really is an AI, and that her whole backstory from before D-Day, according the the Colony, is just a lie? Not that he knows anything about her backstory, but he’s assuming if they’re maintaining that she’s just ‘Deluded’ that they know something or other about her life before the End. They’d have to, wouldn’t they? To rule out her being an AI? Because that sort of technology does exist... maybe not as high tech and convincing as it’d have to be to pull off something as convincing as Mira but... still. It’s a lot to think about. 

He chuckles a little as she asks permission to share the information. Well, she’s very considerate, that’s for sure. She must be an easy person to trust—computers, after all, are much more predictable than people.]

Oh, I mean, you can say whatever you want. It’s no secret, and I’m not good at much but I’m pretty good at telling people what I think because I’m pretty shameless that way. So I don’t necessarily need you to pass it on, but I don’t think I’ll ever ask you to keep anything I say to you from her. I know you guys are super close, and I learned a long time ago that girls talk.

[He smirks.] Besides, you CalGals seem like quite the loyal pack. 

[ajay-benitez]

finders keepers | ajay & cambie

cambieandrews​:

[Cambie opens her mouth to argue with Ajay’s description of Delma, and closes it again in defeat. God, he’s sort of right. Obviously there are exceptions – herself included – but the bulk of Delma is composed of… difficult pretty-boys. For all her house spirit, Cambie always thinks of them individually so hasn’t ever really considered how they all look together.

But, obviously she’ll not admit defeat. Though she’s different in many ways to the majority of her house, she does share a stubborn streak with them.] 

Hm, I think you’re just bitter that as someone not in Delma, you don’t get away with being a douche just because you’re pretty. [It’s cheekier, and less professional, than Cambie would usually be. For the most part she holds herself to certain standards of professionalism, but it drops sometimes – more easily with some people than others. Around people her own age, not under her care, and with quick senses of humour, she finds she reverts to a more casual demeanour pretty quickly.] And I don’t know what you’re talking about. I’d never speak ill of a colleague. I reckon all these laundry fumes are going to your head.

[As they’ve just established, people are unlikely to take Ajay’s word over Cambie’s. Even in this light hearted context she feels a faint flutter of discomfort at the idea of ‘abusing’ her position like that, but it’s not like she’s threatening Ajay to keep his mouth shut since nobody would believe him anyway. They’re just having a laugh, which is fine, whatever the other house heads seem to feel.]

[It’s not like he really needed the reminder of why everyone loves Cambie, but this definitely serves as one. She’s sweet and charming and beautiful—but she also has a delightful and refreshing cheeky streak that you don’t get to see as often, but is so rewarding when you do. 

He snort-scoffs. Pulls a face. ] Pfft. Oh, don’t worry, I don’t want to get away with it. I’m perfectly happy to embrace my idiot-factor with open arms. I’ll wear that shit like a badge. Keepin’ it real since 2144. [Because nothing is as ‘real’ as telling your parents and the world you’re transgender at the ripe age of twelve.] But to be clear, I can’t really be a douche. A douche by definition basically has to be an ignorant cishet. Like, don’t misunderstand me—queers can be assholes and jerks and idiots and pains in the fucking ass, you name it. But you look up ‘douche’ in the dictionary and it’s a picture of that guy Chad from Gym Class.

⚧️

[ajay-benitez]

[ajay-benitez]

midnight fathoms | ajay & annie

annie-perrault​:

[’Easily the most original person here’ – Annie grins, because she’s not sure if it’s true, but it’s nice to hear anyway. It was something her mom always tried to instil in Annie: the confidence to just be herself no matter what other people thought. The ‘being herself’ thing isn’t so hard; in fact Annie finds it quite difficult to suppress her quirks. The not caring what other people think part is more challenging, but she’s finding as she grows older there’s more people that accept her as she is, and even like the things that set her apart.

Alright, yes, Ajay is probably right that Mira’s a bit more unique – but she’s an android so it doesn’t necessarily count, and Annie doesn’t feel like Ajay’s saying it as a dig. A few years ago she definitely would have interpreted that as him saying Mira was more appealing than her, but she’s marginally less insecure than she once was.]

You’re not a class A Loser. [Annie laughs in surprise at the comment; that definitely hadn’t been how she’d seen the ‘sister’ comment. It had just plucked at a small, tense insecurity. Even if she knew he didn’t mean it literally, it’s nice to hear him actually say that. Because this is the bit she’s bad at: the actual addressing of feelings and expectations. It’s a lot easier when things are just subtext, but only ‘easier’ in terms of her comfort. It’s also more confusing.

So, yeah, objectively probably a good thing that he’s asking if she thinks he’s not attracted to her. But it’s also kind of entirely mortifying, because she doesn’t know how to answer without sounding desperately insecure. ] 

No, I mean… [The way he looks at her is too intense, the bright, curious dark eyes scanning her face, and Annie ducks her head to allow a veil of pale hair to fall in front of her face.] I just don’t, um… it’s kind of hard to like… [Thank goodness it’s dark in the bar because Annie feels her face burning. She takes a quick sip of her drink, and it’s mercifully cool.] I mean, I know you always talk a lot about what you think of me and things, but then you don’t actually, um… act on it. I mean, I know we’re on a date, but I mean…

[It’s probably not fair to hedge around while she’s saying how confusing she finds him, so Annie takes a breath and blurts the last few words out before she can overthink herself out of it.] I just thought if you were attracted to me you would’ve tried to kiss me.

[Annie examines her wine studiously, finger tracing circles around the stem of the glass. God. Crap. Fuck. Urgh. This is… stupid. Especially because if it was so important to her, there was nothing stopping her from making the first move! She’s just too much of a coward, and because Adrián was so forward with his words she really hoped that would carry through to more physical things.]

[His instinct is to frown, to tell her she’s wrong or to question why she thinks going on two dates doesn’t count as ‘acting on it’, but he schools his expression. He can tell this is something that’s difficult for her to ask, and he doesn’t want to embarrass her when she’s already made herself pretty vulnerable by being so honest about something like this. It’s a brave thing to do. To admit that kind of insecurity. 

Plus... to be fair, though he doesn’t see why she’d think his not kissing her yet should be all that discouraging, considering he hasn’t actually had too many actual opportunities, and he’d been concerned about not rushing her, he also knows that kissing aside, he has been sort of... lagging with acting on his attraction, in other ways. Namely, that their first date and flirtation had been several weeks ago, and this is the first time they’re going out again. They’d done a lot of texting and talking but otherwise... 

He wants to say he doesn’t know the reason, but he does. He’d wanted to take things slow with her. Something he doesn’t necessarily try to do often. And he’s pretty sure she’s even eluded to the fact that she doesn’t need or want that, but he doesn’t quite know how to stop himself. He does worry he’ll hurt her, he’ll break her or inadvertently take advantage. She may think she can take it, that she won’t be hurt by it, but he doesn’t think she knows any better.

But he wants to handle this carefully. Because the last thing he wants to do is lead her to believe he’s not interested. He also doesn’t want to insult her or make her feel stupid for the way that she’s feeling. He licks his lips, thinking about it a moment and smiling gently. When he speaks, he keeps his voice lower, and his eyes trained on her.] 

Okay, well. I’m sorry if I’ve been a bit... flakey, when it comes to us finally having another date. [And he’ll admit, part of it had been about trying to take his time to think about what she’d said about her delusion, as well as whether or not he thought he could do this without hurting her. But he doesn’t really know how to say that without sounding like he’s belittling her in some way.] I’m kind of a pain in the ass that way, ask anybody—it’s no excuse, but it’s not personal, is all I’m saying. I’m a bit... slow on the uptake, sometimes. 

But to be fair, when, exactly, would I have kissed you? I mean, technically we’ve only really hung out alone the one time, and I wasn’t going to be that guy who pounced you after the first date. [He’d made out with Allie pretty fast, but she’d initiated it, and she’d been... very different than Annie. Extremely forward and... the way she used her sexuality as a way to get closer to people... it’s not something he’d recommend for Annie. Allie was a really sad, really troubled girl, much as he liked her and despite how confident she came off on first impression.] You kissed me on the cheek before the end of the night and I took that as a good sign. 

So other than that... I don’t know. [He shrugs.] Was I supposed to just... tap you on the shoulder in class and lay one on you? Interrupt you in training and start making out? [He grins, gently teasing.] 

[ajay-benitez]

to know you all wrong | draco + adrián { howl }

Sunday,  April 9th, 11:13pm​

draco--pavlovic​:

{Draco had been nothing short of thrilled after receiving Ajay’s invitation to a drink. With all the fucked up shit that’s been happening and all the rumours that are flying around, even he’s starting to get a little twitchy. He’s not gullible enough to believe everything that’s being said about Kaiser and Clove, but there is absolutely no doubt in Draco’s mind that the Reformists were more involved in this death than they’ve been letting on.

It’s an uncomfortable thought, and while Draco absolutely refuses to give anyone any kind of power over him, it’s enough to make even him want to lay low for a while. That means no more wandering about in places he knows he shouldn’t be, no more late night snack raids, and no more pissing off any of the guards on duty. Unfortunately being a general pain in the NWRF’s ass is Draco’s favourite hobby, so with his options severely limited for the time being, there’s not a hell of a lot left for him to do.

By the time Ajay’s message reaches him Draco is so close to crawling up the walls - or being thrown into correctional - that it feels like a gift from god. He barely leaves enough time to type out a quick response before he’s on his way, hands in pockets, a renewed spring in his step.}

Howdy. {It takes Draco a moment to locate the voice and when he does, a grin lights up his face.} You are looking very comfortable. I hope you will not fall off once you are drunk.

[Ajay snorts, takes a healthy swig from the bottle of liquor he’d nicked from the Catch a few months back (his past self had been smart enough to ‘save it for a rainy day’, and low and behold, today is that rainy day and today he is very grateful for his past self).

After a small wince and a swallow, he lifts it in gesture towards Draco.] And I hope you don’t push me, [he intones with a smirk. He doesn’t feel great, but he’s going to act like he feels fine because denial ain’t just a river in fucking Egypt and Ajay currently feels like the cowardly lion, mane and all.]

[Cheesy clichés are also a very fun distraction.]

So you wanna join me up here, or are you afraid of heights? I can come down—but there’s a lot less horse shit up here. Just sayin’.

[ajay-benitez]

PLAYING CATCH-UP || ajay + caleb

caleb-l-esmaeili​:

[[ Caleb raises his eyebrows and smiles, shaking his head. ]] Yeah, I’m not thinking of anyone’s category of lover while I’m looking down their throat, thanks. [[ It’s a comment he wouldn’t have made in a normal office setting, but much about Caleb has the air of ‘what are they gonna do, fire me?’ after the end of the world. Ajay’s obviously not going to be made uncomfortable by a quip like that. ]]

Just want to know what I’m in for ahead of time. [[ He grabs a pair of gloves and pulls them on, flexing his fingers. ]] Like with the grinding. Clever joke, or actual issue? Because we may not be able to make you a mouthguard, but we can get you… I dunno. Something else to chew on.

[Ajay lets out a surprised, bark of a laugh. Afterwards, his lips pull together, his right brow lifts into a curtain of messy curls and he nods.] Ahh.. I think I’m going to like you, Doc. I can still call you Doc, right? You’re a teeth doctor. Arguably more important than say, cosmetic surgery, and they’re doctors. Unless your cosmetic surgery determines whether or not you can eat non-regurgitated baby food. [A beat] And unless you consider gender-affirmation surgery to be cosmetic—but if you think that, you’re wrong, so. [A shrug. A cheshire smile, flashing teeth.]

[ ‘Something else to chew on’ also earns another chuckle. Who knew he could have such a good time at the Dentist’s... curtained office chair?] Uh—a little bit, when I’m anxious. Used to be worse, when I was kid. Woke up with headaches and jaw aches a lot. But that hasn’t happened since I was like, seventeen. And I know I have the face of a baby angel, but don’t worry, I’m old. So we’re probably good. 

[ajay-benitez]

mortal projections || bode + ajay || ruina rex {howl}

bodelevy-lindqvist​:

[At his chuckle, although broken, Bode determines the other is more likely to start crying than become violent. He doesn’t move, not yet, instead he listens to Ajay, watches the lines on his face as he forces them smooth. Bode gives him the opportunity to speak, to be heard in his time of grief. It was interesting to be on the other side of it. To feel nothing while those who cared for the dead rushes around him, desperate to hang on. Maybe interesting was the wrong word for it. Maybe he would feel differently if the person they were grieving was anyone else but Kaiser.] You? Terrified? I’m not so sure I could ever imagine you standing down even to a man like Kaiser.

[He wanted to know what kind of man Kaiser was behind closed doors, maybe Ajay could paint him a proper picture. Espen wasn’t exactly forthcoming about their relationship, which made him all the more anxious. It was the uncertainty, the complete and utter blindness that drove him mad and his brother knew it.]

But I suppose if anyone could make you bow your head it would be him. [Bode walks towards a small bench and takes a seat before motioning Ajay to join him.] So he was a scary man, [He looks up at Ajay, the sun crowning his head so Bode has to squint at him.] What part came next? You tried to steal from him and he caught you red handed? Or better yet, he needed something stolen and heard you were the best in the biz?

[Ajay snorts. He supposes, after their interaction in the Distro centre the other day, his first impression with Bode had been... misleading. He’s a chaotic rebel-rouser with a disobedient streak. But he wouldn’t say he’s impressive or brave or angry, or any of the things people might look at a ‘bad-boy’ and envy them, admire them. 

Well, he wasn’t angry—but maybe he should have been. That’s what Kaiser had always said, right?

Bode sits, after what felt like a lifetime of hovering at arm’s length, and Ajay is somehow both relieved at the break of distance, and made nervous by it. Up close, it may be harder to keep keep his walls up. To disguise his anger for agony. Or was it the other way around? 

Bode’s question gives him pause, and after a moment, lips parted and still, he grins a tiny bit. Shakes his head. His eyes rise up to meet Bode’s, intentional for the first time today.] You know, I never tried to steal from him. You could say he scared me straight, if I weren’t like, the poster boy for chaotic bisexuals everywhere. [He snorts, half-hearted. Mostly it comes out as a quick, slightly heavy-handed exhale.] 

No I... [How had their relationship even started? It’d been strange... sort of slow an unexpected and just... there.] It was nothing like that. I think being so spooked the first couple of times, he took an interest in me. He called me... Fox. Little Fox, Back Fox... basically just a bunch of fox-variants and German words. And that was more than enough to convince me I was like... prey, to him. But then, I dunno... I helped him out a handful of times. I talked to him. He was actually... extremely interesting. And passionate. And I think that’s it, though—no one really talked to him. They all thought they knew him, and they steered clear because of his reputation and his freak show prowl.. but he had this like... fiercely loyal side, too. And he challenged me. Pushed me to think. And to think more of myself. 

He deserved... he was a tough, brutal man, but he deserved so much more than this. I don’t think he was afraid of death, but he’d have wanted to go down fighting. He’d have wanted a... grand exit. 

[ajay-benitez]

AIR [ruina rex]  ╬ anaya + adrián

anayadolmen​:

[Don’t leave, he says, and Anaya finds her shoulders slumping with relief, from where they previously been up to her ears in tension. She never means to make anyone uncomfortable, but after several years living with only one person in outer space, she’s rusty when it comes to social cues. It’s easier to be upfront and ask if people want her to leave, rather than try to struggle through reading people’s minds, as they so often insist. Engaging in conversation, she always feels like Bambi scrambling to walk on ice in that one shot of the movie.

Adrián sits, and whatever tension was left lingering in the room dissipates. She’s never one to turn down the opportunity to give her poor atrophied-after-zero-gravity legs some rest, and the malnourishment really makes sure she fits into anything child sized, so she takes a seat on the desk by his side. For the first time, she’s glad to be this small.]

Well… it doesn’t feel too surprising. If someone could befriend Kaiser, makes sense it’d be you. [She offers him a gentle smile in return. She didn’t know much about Kaiser, nothing more than the fact that he was the burly man who scared her shitless in the Games, but she knew enough about Ajay to know he could become friends with just about anyone. He has that sort of warmth. Being a recluse, she could not be further from relating to that, but she really admires people who can be that social. Like Costin.] I’m really sorry. [She wishes, for a fleeting moment, that she believed in some kind of afterlife, or that she had some Heaven mumbojumbo to spill now, because people often seemed comforted by that.] You were his friend. That means you must’ve made his time here a little… brighter, when you could. That’s nice, at least, y'know?

⚧️

[ ‘Makes sense it would be you.’ He’s not really sure how to take that, what that means, really. He knows that whatever it means, she’s intending it to be nice, because that’s what people do in these situations, right? Try to say something comforting, something kind. 

Unless you’re Kaiser. Kaiser probably would have said something... empowering, and vaguely threatening. Something to light a fire under Ajay’s ass. Something to encourage his anger, to remind him of his power, his worth. 

It’s ironic, because in this moment, Ajay can’t remember a time he’d felt more powerless. 

He’d not even been that close with Kaiser. He’s not sure if anyone had, but their friendship had been... accidental, if persistent. Sort of like it’d had a mind of it’s own, like it’d been operating out of either of their control. Like they’d been connected in a past life or some shit, and they sort of just... drifted towards each other in this one, without really knowing why. 

He nods, because he wants to believe what she’s suggesting, but it’s hard to convince himself it’s enough, even if it is true.] I just... there’s so much more I wish I could’ve... [What? Said? Done? What would he have done differently? What could he have said that would have made anything turn out any differently?] 

I just thought there was so much more time. [It’s cliché, which bothers him, and he scoffs at himself.] I sound like a bad Hallmark movie. As if there were any good ones.