ak-kewl-j-writing-samples

[ak-kewl-j-writing-samples]

Fiscally DOOMED

Lights up on Drum and Bassoon playing scrabble. 

Drum: Oooooh, Waffle! That’s 17 points!

Bassoon: Ugh, this sucks. You’re so much better at scrabble than I am.

Drum: Don’t worry! You’ll catch your stride-

Enter Mathias. He is wild. Crazy. Unpredictable. As if his whole life is on the brink of collapse.

Mathias: I’m doomed. DOOMED. What am I gonna do?!?

Drum: Whoa, calm down Mathias. What’s wrong?

Mathias: I made a bunch of bad investments and unless my Microsoft derivatives make some miraculous recovery, by the end of the week I could lose everything.

Drum: Why don’t you just trade it in for a better stock?

Mathias: That’s not how derivatives work! If I sell now it’s basically worthless!

Bassoon: Failure!

Mathias: I know (now beginning to cry) I’m going to be a total economic failure!

Bassoon: What? No, we’re playing scrabble. Failure is 10 points. (To Drum) You’re up.

Mathias: My life is over. I’m going to have to drop out of school. I have to sell my car!

Drum: Homeless! 16 points!

Mathias: Oh god, I won’t be able to pay rent! I’m going to have to move out.

Bassoon: Parental disapproval!

Mathias: You’re right. My parents will never take me back. Where will I go?

Bassoon: Cardboard box.

Drum: Wholefoods!

Mathias: Yeah, yeah. I’ll get a cardboard box. I’ll live in the parking lot behind the whole foods. I can beg for scraps and scrounge out of trashcans. Thanks guys, I’ll be okay!

Mathias quickly runs out of the room, determined not to ruin his new life.

Drum: Hey, where did Mathias go?

Bassoon: I dunno… Oh! Dramatic Irony!

Lights Down

[ak-kewl-j-writing-samples]

Big Toothbrush

Lights up on dentists office. Dr. Martin sits in a swivel chair. Nelly lies in the dentist seat.

Martin: Alright, all done. You can spit and wash whenever you feel like it!

Nelly: (Gurgles and spits) Thanks Dr. Martin.

Martin: Now, you know what I’m going to tell you?

Nelly: I know, I know. I should be brushing twice a day and flossing every night?

Martin: No. (Suddenly gets very close to Nelly and pulls them in even closer, speaking in ever increasing intensity) Let me tell you why you’re here. You’re here because you know something.

Nelly: Uhhh… I-

Martin: What you know you can’t explain, but you feel it. You’ve felt it your entire life—that there’s something wrong with the world. You don’t know what it is, but it’s there, like a splinter in your mouth, driving you mad. It is this feeling that has brought you to me. Do you know what I’m talking about?

Nelly: I just wanted to get my yearly check up-

Martin: Big Toothbrush.

Nelly: What?

Martin: Do you want to know what it is?

(Nelly hesitantly nods yes)

Martin: Big toothbrush is everywhere, all around us. Even now, it is in this very room. It is the electric toothbrush recommended by 4 out of 5 dentists. It is the crest oral whitening toothpaste you see in every store. It is the diploma hanging on the wall in every dentists office across America. It is the wool that has been pulled over your eyes to blind you to the truth.

Nelly: What is the truth?

Martin: First you must choose. (Martin holds up two baggies, one blue, the other red) After this there is no turning back. If you take the blue baggy the story ends. You drive home and all of this will be forgotten. If you take the red baggy I will reveal to you the truth of big toothbrush.

(Nelly hesitates, then grabs the red bag)

Martin: Have you ever had a dream, Nelly, that you were so sure was real? What if you were unable to wake from that dream? How would you know the difference between the dream world and the real world? (Martin steps back for the grand reveal) I am the 5th dentist, Nelly. Big toothbrush is a lie used to get consumers to spend more on electric toothbrushes and expensive brand toothpastes. All of it is a LIE. Nelly. IT IS A LIE.

Big Toothbrush: (From offstage) DR. MARTIN???? WHAT ARE YOU DOING????

Martin: Run! Run Nelly! Run, while you still have legs!

Nelly: What the –

Martin: GO!!!

Nelly begins to exit but runs straight into two bottles of toothpaste who appear suddenly. They grab them. Big Toothbrush enters behind. They are all wearing dark sunglasses.

Big Toothbrush: Well well well. Look who opened up his pretty little mouth?

Martin: Your reign of terror over the tooth care industry has gone on for far too long!

Big Toothbrush: (Addressing the tubes of toothpaste) Colgate Trolls mild bubble fruit, Crest 3D white brilliance, I think Doctor Martin here needs to be told what time it is.

Nelly: What time is it..?

Martin: No! You’re playing right into their trap!

Big Toothbrush: Tooth hurty.

Martin: NOOOO!!

The paste tubes start to beat up Martin.

Nelly: Stop. (Colgate and Crest pause)

Big Toothbrush: Why should we stop? Who are you to defeat me? You’re nobody. Nothing. I am the conglomeration of oral hygiene and rampant capitalism on a global scale! I am untouchable!

Nelly: I think your world view might have some… cavities.

Big Toothbrush: Brace yourself for a display of my true power!

BT swings at Nelly from one side, then the other, Nelly dodges by leaning backwards, then pops back up and kicks BT several times in the air (oh yeah it’s a super cool slow-mo fight). BT lays crumpled on the floor, defeated.

Nelly: You thought you were untouchable… Well, the world isn’t so… Plaque and white.

Someone runs out wearing a black trenchcoat and dark sunglasses. They hand a similar outfit to Nelly, who dons the coat and glasses. They both do cool jumps and flips and shit as they exit.

Martin: (From the floor) I’ll see you next year for your annual check-up!

Lights down

[ak-kewl-j-writing-samples]

A Magical Kiss

Lights up on a castle. A prince and a princess sit on a regal looking bed

Princess: Prince, the only way to rid the evil Dragon Trystor from our two kingdoms is with true love’s kiss.

Prince: Then let us save our kingdoms.

PRINCESS and PRINCE lean in awkwardly, screwing up and bumping their heads, not knowing which way to turn, ya know, stereotypical amateur shit. PRINCESS and PRINCE finally manage to kiss, in a very sloppy amateur way. There are weird, wet noises.

PRINCESS and PRINCE break from the kiss, sit in silence for about 5 seconds, looking around the room uncomfortably. PRINCESS looks out the window.

Princess: So it uh, looks like it worked. Looks like Trystor is gone. So that's cool. Great work,,,, champ?

Princess reacts in an awkward and frustrated manner, like exactly how you’d imagine if you said some shit like that. Kind of saying wtf to herself.

Prince: Yeah, that’s good. Good job.

PRINCE goes up for a super awkward high five. PRINCESS doesn’t really know what to do and hesitantly gives him a backhand high five.

(Beat)

Princess: Was that like, what you expected?

Prince: No, I. I kinda thought that there'd be like a cloud of pixie dust or something, you know?

Princess: Yeah, yeah. Me too.

Another period of silence.

Prince: Do you think we did it right?

Princess: I mean, *gestures towards window*

Prince: No, like did we,,, do it right?

Princess: I don't think so. I heard that when Prince Charming and Cinderella did it, he like used his sword?

Prince: Oh I- I didn't want to-

Princess: No I didn't mean, like, I wasn't trying to say. Just what I heard.

Prince: Yeah, no I figured.

Another beat. Even longer this time.

Prince: Apparently there’s like a thing with an apple that you can do? To like test or whatever.

Princess: My mom told me eat not apples.

Prince: Oh. Yeah. Duh

Another period of silence.

Princess: Did you like it?

Prince: Yea-Nnn-Maybe? I don't really know.

Princess: I feel the same way.

The tension in their voices lowers quite a bit

Prince: Oh, thank god. It was fine, like pretty solid. Super wet,

Princess: Yep.

Prince: But not bad.

Princess: Totally agree. But ya know “Happily ever after right?”

They both look down at the ground, contemplating how misguided and betrayed they are by that classic fairy-tale trope (I think I nailed it with this. Show don’t tell right?)

Prince: Yeah.

Another period of silence.

Princess: But we should do it again just to make sure?

Prince: Yep.

Lights Down

[ak-kewl-j-writing-samples]

Dungeons and Dragons

Lights up on group sitting around a table. Tina, the dungeon master, sits at the head of the table and looks around expectantly.

 Tina: So, when we last met, Diedrich the Orc Paladin had mastered the magical properties of the silver sword of AGAKOSH! And unlocked the dungeon of undead mysteries! Now-

 Susan: Um... excuse me Tina, um... My cousin Rick is in town, is it okay if he plays with us? Just for this week?

 Rick: Sup I’m Rick.

 Tina: Ugh fine. But we’ll have to make him a new character. Do you know anything about Dungeons and Dragons, Rick?

Rick: No, but I’ve seen Star Wars. And Ice Road Truckers.

Tina: That has... nothing to do with this... My world is set in a fantasy adventure so there isn’t really any-

Rick: I’ll be Chewbacca.

Tina: There aren’t-

Rick: (Does the Chewbacca sound)

Tina: Okay, I guess you’re Chewbacca then...

Dale: Can we just get back into the game please?

Tina: You’re right Dale. Thank you. You find yourselves in a dark cellar. You see a door, but you don’t know where it leads, there are some-

Rick: I go through the door.

Tina: But I didn’t-

Rick: (Chewbacca sound)

Tina: (Beat) Okay… What do Diedrich and Goyle do?

Susan: I guess we follow Chewbacca…

Tina: As you walk through the door a guard notices you and calls out “INVADERS IN THE CASTLE” Everyone is alerted to your presence.

Dale: Ugh unfair Tina. Do I have any spells I can use?

Tina: No, remember you used all of your spell slots fighting that raiding band of orcs.

Susan: I use my silver sword of AGAKOSH to kill the guard (Rolls dice)

Tina: That’s a fail, the guard goes and gets their boss. You see a figure clad in shining black armor appear. She has a helmet with ram horns-

Susan: OH NO! It’s the demon queen Gorgensnap!

Dale: She’s the arch villain of the whole campaign!

Rick: I kill her.

Tina: What?

Rick: I shoot her with my space bow gun thing.

Tina: … you… ummm… okay… I guess roll to attack

Rick: I don’t have any dice. Can you just do it?

Tina: (Rolls some dice and without looking) Oh it looks like you missed

Dale; Uh Tina… look

Dale, Susan and Tina look at the dice

All three: IT’S A NAT 20

Susan: Rick! That means you get to say what happens!

Tina: I don’t think this is a good ide-

Rick: I take my space gun and I shoot the demon lady and then I take her helm thing and wear it. Then we all move to Canada and buy trucks. Mine is red. We drive back and forth across frozen lakes, the rest of the world on the other end of a transistor radio. Is it a glamorous life? No. It’s a life of the purest, most beautiful simplicity. That’s what it means to be an Ice Road Trucker.

Tina: (crosses arms) This is why I don’t let LOSERS play dungeons and dragons.

Lights Down

[ak-kewl-j-writing-samples]

Mr. Peanut Parts 1 & 2

Part 1

Lights up on a group meeting around a table. There are charts, diagrams and papers strewn about. There is one empty chair. Momma Almond is cold and resigned, Cashew Dave is timid and unsure of why they are there, Hazel-Nut is in a fury, The Mustachio’d Pistachio matches Hazel-Nut’s rage.

Momma Almond: This meeting of the Nut Mascot High Council is officially called to order.

Cashew Dave: Excuse me, Momma Almond? Why isn’t Mr. Peanut here?

Hazel-Nut: (Angrily) The Nut Council has five members. (pointing to self and then to the other members) Hazel-Nut, Momma Almond, the Mustachio’d Pistachio, Cashew Dave, and (gesturing to an empty chair) Mr. Peanut. We cannot make any decisions unless all five mascot members are present! We have rules. Regulations.

The Mustachio’d Pistachio: Fuck your regulations! Peanut is a menace to this council. We are meeting to discuss his immediate removal from the board in all capacities.

Gasp!

Cashew Dave: The removal of Mr. Peanut? Is such a thing even possible?

Hazel-Nut: What? We can’t overthrow Mr. Peanut! He’s an icon!

Momma Almond: Peanut has been consolidating power for years.

The Mustachio’d Pistachio: He has enough influence to completely overthrow this council and rule the nut world with an iron fist. He must be put down.

Cashew Dave: Oh god. Is this really happening? A nut coup? We haven’t had a crisis like this since the Walnut revolution back in 1869!

Hazel-Nut: What do the lesser nuts think about this? Chester Chestnut? Mark Walnut-berg?

Momma Almond: They’ve already sided with Mr. Peanut. Soon we will be in all out war.

Cashew Dave: What do the seeds think? Surely the sunflower or pumpkin seeds would fight with us against Mr. Peanut?

The Mustachio’d Pistachio: We’re on our own DAMNIT! We have to plan our assault on Peanut Manor immediately!

Hazel-Nut: I’m afraid I can’t let you do that, my mustachio’d friend.

Momma Almond: And why is that Hazel?

Hazel-Nut: (Beat) Takes out a giant nutcracker and beats down the other three members of the council. (Now speaking into a walkie talkie.) It’s done. The council has been… crushed… Lord Peanut.

Duh duh duuuuuhhhhh sound effect plays. Lights Down

Part 2

Lights up on the Momma Almond, the Mustachio’d Pistachio, and Cashew Dave each tied down to chairs. Momma Almond sits stoically silent. Mustachio’d Pistachio is angry and letting it be known, he has a little blood dripping down the side of his mouth. Cashew Dave is saddened and hurt. Chester Chestnut sits across the table from them. Chester is a weasely nut. On the other side of the table stands Mark Walnut-berg. He is just Mark Wahlberg.

Mark Walnut-berg: (Slams the Table) Talk. Momma Almond? Mustachio’s Pistachio? Or maybe you Cashew Dave? Who’s it gonna be?

(Beat.)

Chester Chestnut: You can’t hold out forever. Everyone cracks eventually.

Mustachio’d Pistachio: You won’t get nothing out of me.

Mark Walnut-berg: (getting really close) Is that a challenge?

Cashew Dave: (Cutting in) Why are we being held here. What could Mr. Peanut possibly have planned for us?

Mark Walnut-berg: Oh, he’s got plans alright. Just you wait and see.

Mustachio’d Pistachio: I’ll never submit to Mr. Peanut.

Chester Chestnut: Oh really? We think Cashew Dave might…

Cashew Dave: What? Me? Why me?

Mark Walnutberg: Say Chester, did you hear about what happened to the little Cashew walking down the street the other day?

Chester: No Mark, I don’t believe I did. What happened?

Mark Walnut-berg: That little bitty cashew was aSALTed. (They both begin to laugh)

Cashew Dave: No! (begins to sob)

Momma Almond: You’re monsters. (This is a big moment, as Momma Almond has been pointedly silent since the beginning of the interrogation)

There is a knock at the door. Mr. Peanut enters. They have a monocle and top hat, maybe full peanut costume.

Cashew Dave: Mr. Peanut. How could you do this?

Mark Walnut-berg: Hey! Show some respect. He’s a king now. Lord Peanut!

Mustachio’d Pistachio: He’s no king. You’re just some upstart mascot who’s playing at being a monarch.

Lord Peanut: How dare you. I am the only one willing to do what has to be done!

Momma Almond: (Scoffs) You really are nuts.

Lord Peanut: (A brief pause, he considers her) Momma Almond. Maybe I am nuts. Or maybe i’m the only one who can see the world for what it really is. It’s a nut crack nut world Momma Almond. And we’re just mixed up in all of it.

Momma Almond: Then work within the system! Fix the world the right way.

Mustachio’d Pistachio: Oh please. You’re reasoning with a nut. He’s cracked.

Lord Peanut: What do you think I’m doing here? Sipping peanut coladas and getting caught in the rain? I’ve made sacrifices!

Momma Almond: And what have you lost?

Lord Peanut: I’ve lost all of my little peanuts… Timmy, Tammy, Tommy. I’ve lost all of them. All but her… but… her… (mr. peanut continues to mutter ‘but her’ in a distracted, spacey, state, as the lines continue)

Mustachio’d Pistachio: But her? Who? Mr. Peanut who are you talking about?

Momma Almond: Mr. Peanut. Who? But her? Mr. Peanut. BUT HER?!?!? PEANUT BUTTER!!!!

All cry. They are broken. Mr. Peanut has gone mad and there is no hope for our heroes. All is lost. Mr. Peanut cannot be stopped. What can our heroes do... but die?

Lights Down.