akaliah

[akaliah]

Hi, it's me again. A little less terrified about the world. I've grown to be bold and resilient after what I've faced that almost cost me my life. I just want to say to the 22 year old me before, I am taking calculated risks now. That some might even be scared to do it.

It would be 5 years of agony from now on. So, I needed to be still just like before. Thank you Lord for the provision. It's more than what I asked for.

I wanted to build something for us. I wanted to be financially capable that even the smallest rumble can no longer make an impact on us.

I'd love to have a decent meal, a roof over our head and a good education for my siblings. We were always living paycheck to paycheck and I don't want to live the rest of my life --- timid and unfortunate.

May the Lord, guide us.

[akaliah]

Don't worry. I don't retaliate, friend. But you'll just be another face now.

[akaliah]

Growing up... I have always been loathing my very own existence. I need to achieve things so I can be worthy. I am a nobody when I'm a failure. That's what my life is like.

My worth is always measured according to my level of achievement. It was a tough love they say but I say it was nowhere near love.

I am the trophy child. The one you brag about your neighbours and the one you criticize most because of a single mistake.

I can remember everything. From my legs being sore, my back blistering and my face reddened by countless slap. Not to mention the stick you hit on my hand whenever I got the answer wrong. It was a tough love you say, but it was nowhere near love.

You've never stopped hitting me...even when I vomited on the floor. The hard part was I never know what my mistake was. There was a never day when you called me an idiot for not getting the right answer. You wish I wasn't born, you've wished I was dead so you won't have to take care of me.

Everyday, I feel like a burden to your existence. And over time, I did wish too. I wish to be dead. It was a tough love you said. But it drained me. Tears no longer rolls from my eyes, I am an empty vessel now.

You've drained me of my passion because you said it was useless. You drained me of my rights because you wish I was dead. You wish that you wouldn't want to take care of me. You hated me. And I learned to resent you too.

Now that I'm old and I can stand on my feet without depending on you. What is it that you wish for? That I've never learned how to rely on myself? That I shouldn't have been entirely dependent on myself? Why were you so shock when you've noticed I only keep to myself? I never opened up. I never share what bothers me because you never wanted to be bothered. You wish I was dead.

Mom and Dad, you want me to pay the rent. You want me to pay the electricity and the food you fed on me. You want me to pay for everything you've given me, now that I am an adult. But you forgot I never wanted to be born.

Now, that I want independence, you wanted to keep me by your side. But you've forgotten, you wish I was dead. Why did you turn a leaf? Is it because I can stand on my own feet now? Is it because I can reason for myself now?

There was never a day, when you two betrayed each other and I witnessed it starting from the day I was conscious of the people around me. The lies, the infidelity, the betrayal. The abuse I suck up from both of you, physical, mental and emotional. You've drained me of my will to live for so long that I keep to myself, afraid that I'll bother anyone with my bruises.

Don't worry, I'll pay the fine of being born and feed if that is what bothers both of you. I'll pay both of you handsomely. Please. I wanted to be free from suicidal thoughts and the feeling of being unwanted. And I can only be free when I am no longer under your wings.

I am grateful but I wanted to fix myself now. I am standing up for myself now.

[akaliah]

You will never understand my reasons for behaving this way. It was all because of you.

[akaliah]

I need sleep. But it fails me.

[akaliah]

I don't even open a can of worms lately. My system just glitches and messes everything that I have so far. Emotion isn't really my strong suit. That's why I guard my heart and built the wall so high. But in return, my favorite people thinks I'm drifting away. Be vulnerable and let them have a glimpse of it or lost them and be invincible. It's not really much of a dilemma but I feel like ceasing every time I peel the layers. Days of sleepless nights, lost appetite and weakened immune system. It felt like the death of me.

[akaliah]

How do you ask for things...and be dependent on other's goodwill? It has always been a mystery to me.

[akaliah]

A week off the grid had taught me so many lessons in life. It's okay to start all over again. You can still dream as long as you live. You can still make a difference no matter how small it is.

I'm thankful for the people I met.

[akaliah]

I didn't grow up being pampered or spoiled. At a young age I learned to be independent. And that's the curse I have. I never learned to rely on people. I built a world out of my own. I live on my own set of rules. I don't listen that much. I live on my own beat.

I'm still learning to open up. I've only done so with special people in my life. The people that I should have been honest is at the back seat of my heart. Maybe, I'm still keeping a grudge. I grew up earlier than normal. I bore responsibilities hard and heavy to carry on my young shoulders. Maybe, that's why... I find it hard to reach out to people.

I'm comfortable though with this. And I'm happy my routine has been broken. I never thought it would. You'll just never know.

[akaliah]

If everytime a coin is dropped in the fountain for soliciting a reaction from me I guess the water would be coin less.

You dictate your own life and that also means holding and assessing your emotion wether it's appropriate to express it. We tend to lower our guard most often with people we trust. But we shouldn't put our eggs in one basket. We need to learn to hoard. Safe guarding whatever is left with you.

Peace of mind is the greatest thing we can ever possess and it takes skill to hone it. People are the dangerous investment we can ever have. They change too often, they're pretty unpredictable and they're not at all transparent. They can lie with a straight face. But still, we let them in into our inner dwellings.

They seep into our reality, minds and emotions but it shouldn't. In this mess up world, hold on to things that are unreachable by living being. We take on hobbies and the love non-living to escape the prison of pleasing and being a doormat to other people. That's the only thing that can make you sane.

In succinct, be a circle outside but don't let it seep into your being. Accept that there are far worst and that's how it is. Don't let it pollute your mind. You got dreams, hobbies and roles to take on. They're not the end goal neither the path.

[akaliah]

I have so many things to say but my words would often fail me. I wanted to forgive people who had caused a scar in my young heart but everytime I try... I fear.

I fear that if I do I would experience the same pain all over again. I was never a fan of retaliation. Being passive is my vanguard. But I did albeit subconsciously.

To the people I owe my respect, please forgive this young soul for doing mistakes. To my tender siblings who had never felt the love of an older sister, please forgive me. I'm so busy holding on to what's left in me.

I'm almost at the end of my rope. But I know it's never the solution to the problems we encounter. Forgive and let things be.

[akaliah]

I'm so lost. I needed God.

[akaliah]

Passion is the hardest thing to find.

[akaliah]

Ben and Fin stayed with me.

Even when my dress no longer glitters.

Bouts of silences and unspoken grudges.

They stayed and waited to be free.

When night shades out light,

They held my hands and assured me it was day.

I concur and said it was okay,

They said my night is also their fight.

Ben and Fin stayed with me.

Even when I no longer want them.

When I was weary and dimmed.

They said the Almighty has thee.

Ben and Fin stayed with me.

Even when my dress no longer glitters

And all I had was a litter

They assured the Almighty has thee.

[akaliah]

Paradis

It was a long long day, the sky feasted in the muted revelry. Islands were popping out of nowhere and paper boats weren't sinking at all. But Alice felt that everything seems to be perfect and normal. It was what she had always longed.

Moments later, the crowd burst into peals of laughter. The vacant cottages floating in the undulating waves were now brimming with life. From her childhood friends to her mentors, everybody was around and she was happy.

Her friends seated on her front, while islands are waving for her to see. Its rocks--- shiny and sparkling under the friendly shade of the sun. It was nearing dusk, her ideal time. Suddenly, a coat of arms draped around her shoulder. A familiar scent had whipped her. His clothes were smooth and seems so comfortable, his embrace had cleared her throat from the baggage suspended in her heart. Words she couldn't say, escaped in an ember of sob.

He was so familiar but she couldn't recognize his sight. But Alice had accepted his embrace because the luggages seems to be lifted on its own. Not until, someone called her. And what she heard startled her. She was confused, why would someone call her. The stranger shushed her, lulled her until she felt at ease again. But this time she looked up and what she saw...a familiar face but she couldn't remember.

It was a stranger she had never seen in her world. That's when the islands sunk and the paper boats drowned. People turned towards her as they disintegrate into thin air. The seas receded and the world had turned black. It was afterall but a dream. And the stranger never existed at all.

[akaliah]

The Bottle of Woes

There comes a time when the bottle was full of woes, it broke into a thousand pieces. It shattered into tiny fractals --- albeit silently. But every time it does, it heals itself until it was full again although hints of crack was noticeable.

This time it was healed but every time a dent reemerges it breaks --- it was too fragile. Too vulnerable to hold the woes. Until one day, it met another bottle, she noticed that it had the same crack as her. The Bottle too, was fragile. They were both fragile and they understood each other even though no words were uttered but the woes.

They lived a happy life until both of them were finally healed. The cracks were barely noticeable. And the other Bottle soon found its feet, it walked away happily with another Bottle: clean and unblemished.. just like that.

At the end, the Bottle was soon again full of woes but it was glad it helped another bottle.

[akaliah]

Thorns and Roses

Rose woke up one day, no longer covered with crimson and rainbow lights. She saw through the prism --- how the once so pure white light had been diffused into several colors. So, that was how and that is why things have been getting awry. The veil that she once wore was tossed somewhere, rotten and moldy. 

She examined all the linkages into her rose-colored vision and what she saw startled her. It’s not because she doesn’t like seeing the rainbow anymore but she saw it at what it really is. It was prickly, it was murky, it’s smelly and full of rancid things --- behind it was nothing but a sad, sad light.

She asked it one day, “why are you so prickly?” And it replied, “because that was the only time I get noticed.” Rose was confused, why would it hurt others, why should it prick others just so it can be noticed. 

She asked once again, “is it because I’m so cold that you pricked me?” And it answered, “No, it’s because I’m lacking that I needed someone to prick.” Rose was getting frustrated as she didn’t know what to think and reply. She doesn’t understand a single thing. All that she knows is that as long as you don’t hurt others you’ll be fine, you’ll be a very happy Rose.

So, she approached it this time with ill-humored guise. “I don’t understand, why would you hurt me? Why would you let me bleed? Did I do something wrong to you? Why are you being like this to me?” And instead of howls and fouls, it wept with the same sob, “it’s because I’m lacking and I needed someone to prick.”

“Then prick me.” Rose nudged. “Prick me again.” “Why would you say such a thing?” Answered the Thorn. “It’s because you’re lacking.” Rose sobbed.