alaneofthoughts

[alaneofthoughts]

On December 17th, 2019, I decided to hang out with the person who would become my rapist. I agreed to go to what I thought would be a gathering at his friend's house later that night. It was only him and one male friend at that time. I had taken a phone call in a bedroom from a friend. When I opened the door, he was standing there, demanding to know who I was talking to. I had a bad feeling and I wanted to leave immediately. I tried to push past him, he grabbed my phone, and shoved me backwards to the bed, so hard that I thought my head was going to hit the wall. He told me I couldn't leave, that he had plans for me to make money. He told me he had a gun and reached over to a bag near the closet door. I tried to get up and he shoved me again, holding me down on the bed. I remember him saying that I can’t leave because people would come after me. I remember him telling me if I tried to leave he would send someone to beat me up. I told him he would have to kill me before I did anything for him. I was crying at this point and he got up to stand in front of me. He asked me why I was crying, and what the problem was. I remember talking about my family, about my birthday, about the holidays. I told him that I didn’t know what he wanted me to do for him, but I wasn’t going to become a prostitute or do anything i didn’t want to. He laughed and asked me if that’s what I really thought he had planned for me. He told me he had a daughter and he would never do that to me because he wouldn’t want someone to do that to his daughter. He told me that there were other ways to make money and if I showed him I was loyal, he would take care of me. He asked me again if I would take care of him so he could take care of me. He unbuckled his pants and put himself in my mouth while I was still crying. I didn’t know what to do. I closed my eyes and continued to cry. I kept wishing that I would die at that moment, that what was happening to me was just a bad dream. He took himself out of my mouth and removed my underwear. I remember regretting wearing a dress that day. He kept telling me, while he raped me, that if I took care of him, he would take care of me. He asked me if I would do anything for him. He asked me if he wanted me to have sex with his other friend to make him happy. He asked me if I would have sex with anyone that he wanted to make him happy. I remember just laying on my back feeling helpless and numb. I just stared at the ceiling and cried. I remember closing my eyes so I wouldn’t see him anymore, praying it would end soon. 

From the morning of December 18th until the morning of December 19th, I was forced to drive him to Los Angeles from Las Vegas. On the drive to Los Angeles he told me the different ways that I could make money for him. He said that I could carry drugs in rental cars from different states. He said that I could go to a doctor to get a codeine prescription that he could sell. He reminded me that I did not have to become a prostitute if I did not want to, but if I remained loyal to him and took care of him, he would do the same for me. I kept telling him about my family and what we do for the holidays. I hoped that if I kept telling him about my family that he would let me go. I was worried he would go after my family if I didn’t do what he wanted. I asked him if I would be able to make it home in time to see them for the holidays, and he assured me that I would after I made him some money. I didn’t believe him, and I started to accept that I might not be able to go home ever again, but if there was a chance he would let me go, I would have to listen to him. 

We arrived at his friend’s house in Beverly Hills. I remember watching the clock from 9:34pm, until almost 3am. Many people went in and out of the house that night. They all told stories about their days: some were pimps and talked about slapping women who talked back, some talked about how much money they made that day and how they made it. I prayed that none of these men would touch me. I was lucky that no one paid attention to me and I just had to sit there. He told me we would be staying in that house for the night. He tried to initiate sex with me. I told him that I was tired, and lucky for me, he was tired as well. He told me “you’re going to regret telling me no” and fell asleep. I realized that he didn’t have any intention of letting me go and I needed to escape. For the first time that day I was able to text people without him looking over my shoulder and planned my escape.

Around 9am on December 19th, he asked me to get his phone charger from his car. I took this as my chance to leave and took his car to a nearby gas station and had called my friend to pick me up. I had never felt such relief. I changed my phone number and blocked his phone number and prayed he would never contact me again. I just wanted to go home and forget everything that happened. A friend had arranged for me to fly back to Las Vegas. When I got back, I threw away the clothes I had been wearing, I took a shower and got into my bed. I was relieved I was home and I just wanted to resume my life.

On December 20th, 2019, I had my first panic attack when I tried to go back to work. When I exited my car in the parking garage, out of the corner of my eye I saw someone walking towards me. My heart was racing and I thought he was coming back for me. It was just a man walking through the garage to his car. I walked inside my job where I worked and I felt like everyone was watching me. I was scared he had sent people my information and what I looked like. I thought he would show up any moment. I made it to the escalator before I started to feel nauseous and light-headed. I felt like I could not breathe and I started to cry. I ran to the bathroom and had to call my supervisor to let her know I could not come into work. I could barely get the words out and I remember sitting on the bathroom floor uncontrollably crying. I called my friend and explained to him what was happening and he asked me what really happened the night of December 17th. He said that if what happened to me was true, that I was raped and I needed to go get a medical examination for tests and medication. I went to the hospital to be examined and I told the nurse that I just wanted to make sure I was physically okay. After I walked out of the hospital, I received a call from my supervisor firing me because I hadn’t shown up for work the past few days. She didn’t know the exact reason why I didn't go to work, and I just didn’t know what to say anymore.

I have forced most of these memories out of my head. While I write this, I relive these memories that have forever changed who I am as a person. I am lucky to have a family that is supportive and who insisted I come home after the incident. My family pushed me to file a police report to name my attacker, ensuring that I would be protected and I was safe again.

He will never know, even close to how I feel, or know what life has been like for me since. 

I can't speak his name when I talk about what has happened to me. I cannot see men who even remotely resemble him without tensing up and seeing his face. I cannot drive most days long distances longer than 10-minutes without having anxiety, or on my worst days without having panic attacks. It is exhausting to remain on edge every day, and I remember that when I let my guard down, I was raped and kidnapped.

Every day, in the back of my mind, he is always there. What he did to me and what he forced me to do was a reminder that he thought nothing of me. He didn’t see me as a human, he saw me as an object. He intended to use me as a way to get himself ahead in his life. The defendant took away my will to live, and what he did has left permanent scars that I will never be able to erase.  

I am lucky to be a survivor and I am lucky to be able to have the opportunity to speak about what has happened to me today. A lot of victims don’t have the same luck. He took my choice away from me on December 17th to December 19th, 2019. He knew that when he kept me in the room with him that night knowing I wanted to go home, was not consent. He knew that I wanted to go home and while I was crying, he still forced himself on me. He knew he didn’t have consent from me. He took advantage of my fear, and when I froze he raped me, then held me against my will. He has caused me a lifetime of pain and suffering...

[alaneofthoughts]

I am a survivor, not a victim.

I want to change the wording that I was a not a victim of rape, kidnapping, and molestation. I have always been a survivor and I wish I could live without the thought that have to survive this world. I just want to live. I want to live my life because that’s what I deserve. Living and surviving are different things and I want people to know that. I survived the worst nightmare and I will continue to live because I survived. I didn’t come this far to fight for survival when I deserve to live. Idk if it’s guilt I feel because I know it’s not what I should feel. I should be grateful to simply survive because so many others have never had a chance to. It’s hard to live with that burden of feeling I am not doing enough. I need to learn to live my life and truly live it. I want to feel my life and not float through it. I want to learn to live my life and escape the shackles of being a survivor. Being a survivor is not easy and living after you had to fight for that life, your own life, is the hardest challenge I have ever experienced. I don’t know how to unlearn survival mode when I’ve been in it my whole life. How do I change my approach to my life and embrace it because I want to, not because I need to? I wish I had the strength to support other survivors. Maybe one day I will have that strength, but right now I need to focus on learning how to live as I breathe today. I will live my life because I deserve to, day by day. I will unlearn the habit of being a survivor because I deserve that peace. I want to be at peace in my life, living. I don’t want to find peace by trying to survive my life. I don’t want to find peace by ending my life either because I didn’t come this far and fight this hard to give up. I am not going to give up because this is my life. This is my old life and my new life that will be my after in my story. I was forced to survive in my life and I will not be forced to end my life, because I was forced to survive it. I will continue living because it is my own choice. I have the control to live my life as I want and should.