alansparkshark
alansparkshark
Bruh Moment Personified
4K posts
Mostly reblogs, PFP by @askrosewickslashcandycane.
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alansparkshark · 1 day ago
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sneezed while my nose was bleeding and now i’m scrubbing bloodstains off the highest part of the ceiling
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alansparkshark · 4 days ago
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Hostile
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alansparkshark · 4 days ago
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The other night husband and I were watching a documentary about the yeti where they were doing DNA analysis of samples of supposed yeti fur, and every one of them came back as bears.
Anyway, the next night we watched a thing about some pig man who is supposed to live in Vermont. People said it had claws and a pig nose but walked upright like a man. Now, I happen to know that sideshows used to shave bears and present them as pig men. So every piece of evidence they gave of this monster sounds to me like a bear with mange.
So now the running joke in our house is that everything is bears. Aliens? Bears. Loch Ness monster? Bear. Every cryptozoological mystery is just a very crafty bear.
Bears. They’re everywhere. Be wary. Anyone or anything could be a bear.
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alansparkshark · 5 days ago
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*puts down the straw*
tumblr feed me a snack
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alansparkshark · 6 days ago
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Brave the Lightning
Ei:*cleaning blade*
Miko:Look who’s up earlier than usual. Someone must be in a pleasant mood.
Ei:It’s easy to do when there’s no distractions well into the night.
Miko:Surly you don’t mean me?
Ei:….
Miko:Ah, silence. And after I went through all the effort to hand you these letters personally.
Ei:Letters? *turns head*
Miko:*waves them* Interested? Aether’s little one has been sending them nonstop these last few days seeking advice. Honestly, if she was going through all this trouble then you’d think she’d write to Ms. Hina or-
Ei casually took the letters and started reading them silently. She could feel Miko squinting at her.
Miko:I forget you’re not as playful this early.
Ei:I’m the same this morning as I am last night and the day before. The only difference is you don’t have to bait me for this. It’s not often letters from Aether or Paimon arrive; let alone about trouble. *flips paper* Hmm double sided.
Miko:I told her once we charge by the number of papers sent. She tries fitting too much in single envelope.
Ei:*folds paper* Miko, I’m stepping out for a while. Please-
Miko:If you think you’re going alone then you’re still fast asleep. It’s rare seeing how you problem solve such an unofficial and delicate task. Inazuma won’t fall to pieces in a morning if we step out.
Ei:*mild discomfort*…
Miko:You could also ignore the letter entirely. I’m sure a situation like this would be solved with or without you. Go ahead. Ignore a letter from a friend. *smiles*
Ei:….
xxxxxx
Inside the humble abode of a teapot, all feels still. What was the purpose of a journey? Some would say it’s found from the start; hence the reason for it in the first place. Others would argue the meaning is found throughout. Aether thought he understood his, but now, after recent events, he wasn’t sure of anything. He sat on soft sand as his gaze glossed over an endless horizon. It was almost as if he had woken up again. Although, an exhaustion had seeped in somewhere along the line. These days he felt like going back to sleep.
Calm waves stirred below the surface and brought unrest against the shores. How long will this journey go? Will it even have what he wants by the end? That was an answer out of reach, a question that took everything and nothing at once. To say he was numb felt inaccurate. Aether simply existed; for better or for worse, yet a certain stirring didn’t cease. It didn’t bring rest but it wasn’t uncomfortable either. It just…hungered. For what, Aether didn’t know. He did know however that any longer out here might cause Paimon to actually starve. A long drawn out sigh left his lungs. Time for the regular routine again. Aether stood up.
In doing so, the feeling inside grew. Only now it twisted and churned into something more turbulent. Nerves fired and his breath paused as his emblems shifted to electro; a faint but powerful voice rang in his head.
“Stay focused!”
Aether turned around quickly, summoning a Favonius blade mid spin and blocking the honed edge of Engulfing Lightning. The entire ground shook from the impact, planting his feet further in the sand. Whatever daze he was in, Raiden shook right out of him!
“What the!? Ei!? Why-”
“Where the mind fails to find, the body shall answer.” She put more weight down on her polearm. “Enlighten me, former enemy of eternity. Why do you stagnant of all people?”
“Agh! Raiden!?”
Aether’s eyes narrowed, his grip tightening before pushing the spear off. Unfortunately it left him open to receive a kick in the gut that sent him tumbling across the beach and back onto his feet. There was no time for talking. She was already coming right at him with a swing that carved through the ground before slashing upwards.
Ei watched him spin to her right with a blade ready to cross slash. A backswing would easily parry. That quickly became impossible however. Geo crystals rose up between them, temporarily blocking her view of Aether before he spun left and shot a fireball to make her block. He immediately followed up with a kick to the body of the spear, creating more distance to follow up with an anemo strike to the sand right at his feet to create a dust cloud. The back swing was a complete feint. Interesting. Ei dashed away from the dust cloud before swinging down with enough force to part it easily. Aether was gone.
“He’s faster than last time.”
Ei looked up to see him high in the air. Another anemo trick no doubt. Several orbs of hydro manifested almost instantaneously before shooting down violently from multiple angles. A left pivot into a right got her past two. Engulfing Lightning spun from hand to hand between her fingertips to deflect the volley of hydro. One more complete pivot forward put Ei in perfect range to throw her weapon like a javelin right at Aether as he fell. Her aim was perfect and at his skill level, blocking it wouldn’t be hard. However, once again, Ei was left surprised.
Anemo wrapped around his body, twisting him around like a dance partner to avoid the attack. He reached out quickly to grab the spear, turn it around, then throw it back with impressive strength. As Ei watched her own attack come back like lightning cleaving through the sky, her eyes widened and muscles relaxed. Electro manifested in her right hand then projecting out like a shield that bounced the spear towards the sand beside her before it disappeared.
“Ah, I see. Forgive me. I wasn’t aware you found a master.”
It happened in a blink of an eye. Raiden was gone from Aether’s view. If it wasn’t for the sensation of electricity dancing in the air, he might’ve been too slow. Instinct brought his blade blocking left. Sure enough, the resounding noise of thunder came as Musou Isshin made contact with all its radiance. With no ground beneath his feet, Aether was sent flying over the sea while Paimon and Yae Miko watched the fight from the path leading to the beach.
“And there he goes…” Miko looked at the sheer terror of the travel companion’s face. “Why are you surprised? How did you think this would go?”
“What did Paimon think!? Paimon wanted Ei to help cheer Aether up! Not start a fight! She didn’t even talk first! She just walked onto the beach and attacked!”
“What did you expect? You think a little shared sadness is grounds for simple bonding? Since when has Ei ever chosen words over actions?”
Paimon couldn’t even find the words. She could only stare in disbelief with her hands open and slack jawed.
Still soaring sideways, Aether spun himself rapidly to send four hydro tornadoes to shore. He then struck the ocean with his blade hard enough to part his section of the sea, allowing him to fall on the ocean floor to make a geo pillar that rose him up before the water rushed back in.
Ei watched the tornadoes grow in size dramatically as they gathered more water; ultimately swirling together to create a massive waterspout. Both her hands raised Musou Isshin above her head. One single downward strike sent unrestrained power across the water and split the disaster. Glimmers of green shimmered in the electro charged air. Ei didn’t have to squint for long before realizing dozens of bloom cores were now flying her way.
“Hm, how resourceful.” She couldn’t help but smile. It’s been awhile since she had meaningful exercise.
Ei started running along the beach. Hyperbloom was a bit trickier to evade than hyrdo orbs. The guided cores did well to keep up with her at first. The archon did will to create distance between herself and anything worth keeping before turning around and blasting out electro for her left hand, reducing most of the cores to ash. The rest that came after her were far simpler to manage with her blade. Although with further analysis, glints of stone were noticeable.
“He weaved in geo.”
Like before, she spun, deflected, and cut through the salvo of attacks; distinguishing when to cut through a core or block a crystal until there was a cloud of minced elements. Ei went to cut through another core when her attention shifted back to the water. Coming in fast in hot was another fireball, and she was currently in the middle of dendro rich air. She didn’t even have to interact with the flame. Her brilliant Musou Isshin and earlier attack was all the electro needed to turn the flame violently unstable.
A massive overload explosion led to a bigger burgeon detonation. For a moment, nobody could see anything until a flash of lightning several yards away lit up the beach. Ei had reappeared as calm as ever with her blade slowly sliding through her left hand like a sheath. Paimon and Miko were familiar with that stance. They looked at the giant pillar in the ocean Aether was supposed to be on. It was already crumbling before the thunder reached their ears and impact brought more sea water rising to the heavens before falling like rain.
“IS SHE TRYING TO KILL HIM!!” Paimon screamed, not seeing Aether anywhere through the spectacle.
Miko on the other hand was observing as calmly as ever. The lightning in the air lit up the sky, turning her attention straight up above the sand. “Heh, how childish. Perhaps they are similar.”
“What?” Paimon looked up.
Ei had never lost track of Aether. She was staring at him the entire time, witnessing his emotions on full display with how he handled the blade in his hands. Purple and white lightning bathed his sword in immense power that grew rapidly. His eyes were squarely on her as he reeled both arms back further.
“So you dare to brave the lightning’s glow? Very well.” With a single hand, Musou Isshin pointed towards the sky. The realm rattled as the blade let out pure, divine electro in response to Aether. His face remained composed, hands unwavering despite the turrets in his eyes. Ei took a slow breath inwards before raising her second hand. “COME!”
Aether kicked off the air itself, descending like a star dragging lightning across the heavens towards its master. Ei didn’t hesitate. She swung down right when he did, clashing blades with him directly.
Trails of electro shot out in every direction, including towards the onlookers. For the first time since arriving, Miko acted with urgency. Tails sprung forth as she placed Paimon and herself inside her torrents. The oncoming attack curved into each torrent before getting sent out towards the water. Miko looked down to see Paimon clutching her right sleeve tightly, earning a smirk from the kitsune. Just this once, she would allow the little one to remain this close.
The rest of the excess lighting gradually began receding inwards before bursting in a showy display of harmless glowing orbs that surrounded the two swordsmen like fireflies. Seconds seemed to stretch out into far longer before Aether back stepped a couple feet. Ei studied his labored breathing. He remained poised and ready all the same. Truly an incredible feat. More importantly, the light was back in his eyes. One more brilliant than lightning itself. Ei relaxed her stance.
“Seems like the stagnation has subsided, wouldn’t you say?”
Aether was puzzled by the evenness of her tone. “Ei, I know it’s you and not the shogun.”
The archon blinked twice. “…Oh. Strange, I thought I was doing a pretty good job remaining rigid. Tell me, what gave me away?”
Aether’s shoulders slouched. Looks like talking was on the table now! “Your ambush attack at the start. If it was the shogun, I doubt I would’ve reacted fast enough. Meanwhile you manually shifted me to electro right before you attacked as a heads up.”
“Is that what you think? Personally, I simply believe purple is a better look on you. I must’ve subconsciously resonated.”
“She’s such a terrible liar. What’s so wrong with admitting she wasn’t trying to kill me?” Aether sighed heavily. He forgot how fickled Ei could be.
“Anyways…” she continued in earnest. “I actually believe you would block that attack under any circumstance. Even with a clouded head, your senses remain keen. It’s why I didn’t bother holding back.”
Paimon yelled from across the beach. “YOU SHOULD’VE!”
Aether still didn’t understand exactly why he just fought for his life. He got that it had something to do with Paimon most likely. Ei slowly approached him with no intent to attack that he could sense. Once she was several inches away, she smiled softly while presenting her blade.
“It’s been quite some time since I faced a blade that bore the weight of many hopes and aspirations. How does your blade feel in your hand?”
“…Heavy. Really heavy.” He mimicked how Ei presented her blade. “Too heavy at times.”
“And yet you can still swing it. I suppose it’s very fortunate that both of us have those around us to make sure we remember to put it down occasionally; and others willing to draw their blades to make a fight less arduous. Not that I need to tell you of all people that, right?”
The message and care was evident. In a strange way, Aether was on the same page as Ei. His body finally relaxed a little. “Right. I did spend quite a bit of time trying to tell that, didn’t I?”
“My thoughts exactly. Now then, a splendid sparring match like this could only be made better with hard earned desserts. Last time I was in this space, I remember seeing quite the variety.”
With that said, Ei took one of her most cherished possessions and let it pierce the ground in confidence that it would remain safe and sound as she made her walk to the main house. Not once did she look back. Ei did however hear the sound of a second sword joining Musou Isshin, then footsteps that raced after her until they were right beside her own in stride.
Aether couldn’t quite explain it, but he definitely felt a little lighter. Not to mention not as tired. The churning inside had faded too. Perhaps what he needed was to get it all out of his system?
“Ei, thank you.” He said with relief and renewed vigor.
“Think nothing of it. I enjoy sparring against talent and friends alike.” She looked down at his left hand. Aether was slowly opening and closing. “Does it hurt?”
“Tingles a bit. I’m fine. Nothing I can’t handle.”
“Splendid answer. Still, never make light of any injury.”
With a sway of her right hand, excess electro pulled from Aether’s wrist and fingers. The energy gathered into her palm like an orb before dissipating harmlessly. Aether shook his hand out in awe. He felt fine!
“Can you teach me that?” He grinned.
“Of course. But first, sweets.”
Miko watched the two walk and talk. “Unbelievable. Not even a glance in this direction. They really are giant children; playing hard and then going to get snacks.” She said to Paimon, who was holding her own hand over her heart. “See? I told you everything would be fine.”
“Next time I’m sending my letters to Ms. Hina directly.”
“Why that wasn’t your first choice, I’ll never know.”
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alansparkshark · 10 days ago
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alansparkshark · 10 days ago
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Not once did I realize the same people voiced all of them! This might be worse than the time I realized how many times Lizzie Freeman ends up being my favorite character.
Kudos to Suzie Yeung! I mained Yuffie for over a hundred hours and watched dub CSM. Never would’ve guessed. Also no wonder Piper was such a cracked out physical unit. It’s in her soul.
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alansparkshark · 14 days ago
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recently my plug has offered free weed for:
bunch of ice
mw2 double xp tokens
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alansparkshark · 16 days ago
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Teto and Miku !!! [ prints soon! ]
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alansparkshark · 18 days ago
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Depending on the order you played the quests this patch, the traveler had the worst days of their life and then some random jerk stole a piece of their soul.
Me personally, I wouldn’t take that on the chill. People are dying in Nod Kai out of spite. The Fatui is gonna need a draft system.
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alansparkshark · 19 days ago
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Continuing my recent trend of throwing household objects at fruit…
I think you’ll really Dig my patreon page
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alansparkshark · 19 days ago
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My roommates got married last week and said today that they’re planning on moving to somewhere else in the city, and asked me to move with them when they do.
Which I appreciate so much, they’re both fantastic roommates and I really don’t want to try and find another place on my own, but also. Jesus Christ what a look. “Hiii we’re the Thompsons, we just moved in down the street, that’s my husband and that’s the ghoul who used to live in our basement”
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alansparkshark · 19 days ago
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Cherry spot moth, Diaphone eumela, Noctuidae
Found in Sub-Saharan Africa
Photo 1 by sightori, 2 by sallyslak, and 3 (caterpillar) by colin25
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alansparkshark · 19 days ago
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being a self indulgent faggot and using greek statues as pose refs for self portraits (◡ ‿ ◡ ✿)
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alansparkshark · 20 days ago
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“Nobody’s going to want to sit on high-speed rail for fifteen hours to get from New York City to LA.”
Me. I will sit on high-speed rail for fifteen hours. I’ll sit on it for days. I’ll write and read and nap and eat and then do it all over again. I’ll stare out the windows and see America from ground level and not have to drive. I’ll see the Rockies and the deserts and cornfields and the Mississippi River and your house and yours and yours too. I’ll make up stories in my head about the small towns I see as we go along. I’ll see the states I’ve yet to see because driving or flying there is a fucking slog and expensive to boot. I’ll enjoy the ride as much as the destination. And then I’ll do it all over again to come the fuck home.
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alansparkshark · 20 days ago
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MY OVARIES!!!!!!
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alansparkshark · 21 days ago
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cleaning along desire paths
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