alavendermind - Tumblr blog

[alavendermind]

[alavendermind]

blog/rant time: june 1st 2017

its funny i said i was going to start this blog at the beginning of the year and ive somehow started my first post and the half year mark, if that doesnt represent procrastination idk what does. I suppose this was more of the spur or motivation i needed to start  this post. today, was the release of a film that a couple friends of mine had produced a couple weeks ago. it was directed by a very good friend of mine. and it was in the release time and in the comments and likes that i had myself feeling anxious and sad rather than the happiness and excitement I should have been feeling. & i think what bothers me the most out of all of it is I know exactly why i feel this way and i can do nothing about it. i guess many of us deal with anxiety and understand the feeling of pure helplessness of the feeling, of knowing that emptiness you feel in your stomach, but the same feeling of needing to throw up and the shakiness. and that knowing and dread, that you have this feeling but can do nothing. I know why i feel like this and its from the constant feeling of absolute failure. that i should be doing more and achieving more than what I have. here is my friend who has created this amazing piece of art from his own brain all on his own, or the amazing DP who knows actually what shot to get, and its these people who get the recognition (rightly so, i must add) but it makes the feeling of being a person in film who doesnt have the spotlight like actor, director, dp, that makes the job of an assistant director feel so absolutely useless, BECAUSE no one knows what that job even means, and its in that lack of recognition that you begin to doubt your own skill, like: was my job even apart of making this, is it even worth it, what did i even do?? and i guess at this part everyone is thinking wow, what a selfish narcissistic bitch, why cant she just be happy for the others, and thats where youre wrong, it has nothing to do with them, I AM absolutely proud and happy for them because they deserve the recognition. but you cant help but feel like scum because the only people who do give you kootos are the ones who are your friends and you cant help but question if their support is just a load of biased robotic support. its hard its really hard. surrounding yourself by all these amazingly talented people whether they are musicans, photographers, or directors and you sit there with no artistic ability and begin to question what youre even doing trying to act as you hold an inch of talent compared to them. AND that where even more frustrations come because you arent the dreamful, imaginative creative person, youre the one of number and realism and logistics and you sit there and look at the people all who have this talent alll trying to make it big in their respective industries seeing them succeed in it and know that pure numbers wise that the likelihood of you ever making it in a business where the number are so slim in success is just a waste of time, theres no way all of us can be successful no way. and thats when the fear comes in, that fear of being the one stuck in the 9-5 6x4 office block job while youre friends go and live their lives experiencing amazing things and that how the anxiety comes, and we are full circle. and absolutely no way out. and now im at the end and i have no idea of any of that made any sense. 

[alavendermind]