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alazaelarece-blog · 2 years ago

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The ‘get better’ Journey

My fitness journey is really beginning for me this year. It took some work to get to this point to be completely honest. Many years of being hard on myself, and still not getting to the point of being happy with my weight, and how I felt in clothing. Welllll, I had to get some issues figured out first. What was causing me to be so hard on myself? What things have I been avoiding to the point of eating boxes of girl scout cookies instead (literally no ragerts, but really)? What have I been afraid to actually take on? The little voice in my head always told me actions are what matter most; how you “feel” comes and goes in waves that ultimately it doesn’t even matter. I was so wrong, it’s actually quite insane how connected all parts of our being is. It’s synched in an amount of facets that still blow my mind when I see how my life is playing out. I had to realize I was never going to be happy with myself, not only because I wanted what was looking back in the mirror to be what I “envision” for myself; but because I wanted to become the better version of myself as a whole. Yes, being healthy is a MAJOR part of my dream self; but being calm, being in the little moments, wanting/ needing less, simplifying a crazy chaotic brain, understanding I can make mistakes, understanding the mistakes I do make sometimes take wayyyyy longer than I want to fix, being okay with not being okay, letting someone see the dark part of myself..the self I’m ashamed of, letting someone love those parts of me, opening up to more people about the real shit we go through, not that phony ass “omg my life is so great, I’m working on xyz, blah blah” but the, I woke up today not feeling like I had intention, or today I felt the sun shine a while longer and it made me realize the comfort I get from the slow seconds in the day. The perfect people can suck a dick, because it’s not fucking real. The bullshit the world has fed you, is toxic af. I’m a little sad it took most of my 20-somethings to figure this out. But when you lie to yourself about who you are, the people that are surrounding you are also liars. Big fat ones. I had to loose myself completely, and rebuild who I wanted to be, someone that I could admire ya know? I envy the people who get to start off life knowing exactly who and what they are destined to do. They make all of the right moves to get them to the places they want to be. I never worked that way, it was try this, hit a wall, sign up for this, fail, get up, jump, fall. Anyways, I definitely went on a bit of a tangent with this one. All in all, I’ve come to the huge happy hug of acceptance, and love. OF COURSE years of hating yourself take lots of practice, that sadly one motivational tik-toc, can’t erase. BUT the journey is kinda messy, and kinda fun, and super chaotic. I’m meeting the people that are meant to be in my life for the long run, I’m making the choices that are making me healthy, I’m taking better care of my soul, and my body. The process is new, but I’m taking it head on. -Zae

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alazaelarece-blog · 2 years ago

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