albedostartarus

[albedostartarus]

WELL THEN. “Kelly” did not in fact end with me killing myself— however it appears it’s happening one way or another lmao love laugh love 🤷🏻

[albedostartarus]

I’ve deleted some of my posts here but yeah it’s may 28th 2025, and depending on how tomorrow’s meeting with Kelly goes I may or may not end my life sometime in the coming days. If things go poorly I’d do it tomorrow itself but I don’t want to leave a big fat ugly corpse in zann’s apartment. She’d have to deal with that stench, the bugs, the fucking body obviously, then there’s all my shit— big heavy bags and all that. And dying’s already gonna be a big final inconvenience to everyone and I wanna make that be the only thing they have to deal with. Tie up any loose ends you know?

I’d probably just do it on a bench by Chelsea piers or something at night, the views good and it’s night so I don’t risk anyone saving me, they’ll find me in the morning and it’ll all be well! I’m more than a little annoyed that I couldn’t finish my note before doing this but I truly don’t care to give everyone an explanation. They’ll be happier in the long run whether they admit it or not and an explanation will do nothing for their momentary distress. This tumblr and all my diaries and everything else obviously exists so if it’s found I’m sure they can piece together whatever closure they desire. (Ps if ur reading this after im gone, the note im talking about is in the drafts on this account, also, hello!!)

Of course if things even sort of work out then… well I’ll be alive another day I suppose? It’ll definitely happen eventually but not like this week or anything.

But yeah, if not, then this is either my last or penultimate post on this stupid blog. It’s been.. well not good I suppose but it’s nice having a void to yell into. I hope my parents can use any money they saved for me that’s left to move somewhere nicer, I hope Tim tanay and diggy’s internships and jobs and school all work out well, I hope the suitemates still hang out together and I hope zann’s psych thing works out well asw. Alright. Bye bye!

[albedostartarus]

I’m exhausted of being myself, I wish I’d shut up and lie down and never awaken, it would do the world a lot of good

[albedostartarus]

I’m not even capable enough to help my friends. I’m the very kind of person I always hated. I wish I weren’t this way

[albedostartarus]

Oeople like me dead eto oberseose and die. Fucking animals. I wish I die painfully and slowly because that’s what I deserve

[albedostartarus]

I wish with all there is within me that I were even just slightly capable, slightly likeable, slightly beautiful, that I didn’t break everything. I wish I were never born

[albedostartarus]

I think I’ve done it again lol, I fucked up what I had with zann. I lasted longer than usual I’ll give myself that but this is always going to happen. I can’t keep friends I don’t deserve to, I always fuck it up. I’ve fucked up with her now, I’ve long fucked up everyone else. I deserve this. Nothing more, a silent and solitary demise. I’m over it I don’t care, I’m happy, they’ll all be happier if they aren’t already, and I’ll finally get what I deserve.

[albedostartarus]

I really do wish I were never born. It’s my greatest wish in the world I think, nobody should’ve ever had to deal with this. I wish I weren’t such a selfish self obsessed entitled fucking prick, I deserve all of this. I deserve everything that’s coming. I deserve to slowly lose hope until there’s nothing left and all I CAN do is die in my early 20s. That’s all people like me should get.

[albedostartarus]

Bro lowkey i wouldn’t even be mad if someone roofied me like omgosh you wanna have sex with me?????? You could’ve just asked plssss lmaoooo

[albedostartarus]

I’m a selfish fucking asshole. The problem with me drinking is that it lets me actually be social and more myself the problem with THAT is that “myself” is actually the worst fucking person I have ever known, he deserved to be shot dead 8 years ago and he deserves to be shot dead now. I can think of nothing but myself and I have no redeeming qualities. I’m just unlikeable and a detriment in every way possible

[albedostartarus]

Another day another disappointment 💞 I sincerely hope I die today. I wish wholeheartedly that someone pushes me into the tracks or I get shot or Jesus fucking Christ I don’t know I can’t be like this anymore, my friends shouldn’t have to deal with this

[albedostartarus]

I always thought that it was my parents I couldn’t tolerate in the summer, that when I had holidays I’d have to live with them and that would exhaust me.

I’ve come to realise that that might not be the case. I think, like always, I’m finding anyone and anything else to blame except me because I’m just a bad person that way.

I think it’s just that during holidays I have the time to really sit with myself and I simply realise just how unbearably ugly of a person I am. I don’t think I can tolerate to really fully be myself ever because there is just something inherently ugly about me and having to consciously live with that without school or any substances to distract me is exhausting.

[albedostartarus]

I’m exhausted, I can’t stand myself

[albedostartarus]

I can’t have a life and I can’t stand it when people I love do either, I can’t leave people I love in peace knowing I will do nothing but hurt them because I only think of myself. I’m tired of being this way, I’m really really exhausted, I just want a break

[albedostartarus]

I wish I could just die, I don’t care what the implications are I hope I get hit by a car or get shot or something; I don’t trust myself to not fuck this up as well, I just wish it would happen sooner

[albedostartarus]

I don’t understand how someone can be as deeply incapable of a person as I am. I can’t do anything right. I was incapable in school and it cost my mom her dream and my dad a lot of money. I have been stupid and incapable of the simplest human functions for as long as I can remember. I can’t ride Mumbai local, I can’t cross streets back home, I can’t talk to people, I can’t do basic navigation, I can’t take care of myself.

I lost Dylan’s bag, I had the simplest job, walk, carry a black EMPTY bag. I couldn’t even fucking do that much correctly. I said I’d redo the volleyball shoot to make up for last time, I was the “””lead””” photographer, I couldn’t do any of that and Zach and Joanna had to take over and ended up actually doing a much better job. I can’t do tanays magazine, I can’t finish my homework, I couldn’t even give Joanna her pictures on time for fucks sake and when I did I was late again and I gave her the hard drive without the connection cable and I don’t even know if the pictures on it are gonna load. What the fuck is wrong with me??????) why am I such a fucking baby and incapable of doing a SINGLE thing.

Im a big fucking waste of everyone’s time and resources is all I am now and it’s all I’ve been my entire life

[albedostartarus]

I don’t even know what to say that I haven’t said a million times already. I’m a bad person, I’m perfectly aware of it and continue to do everything that makes me that way. I’m also incredibly fucking stupid and that’s not changing either. All I seem to be capable of is moping about it and trying to forget it instead of fixing it.

Killing myself immediately only causes more problems for people around me especially my parents bc of all the costs that come with dying in this stupid fucking country. even though it’s a very good idea long term I can’t even die now. What a wonderful life I lead, hopefully I head back India briefly in summer or in winter and maybe then I have better hopes in that regard. I’ve only completed half of college so while my parents will have a lot of money wasted at least there’s still half of the college fund they saved up still there for them and with me out of the picture I’m sure they can sell off a lot of my shit to make back some of it too I mean come on my laptop alone could still get like $2k which admittedly isn’t that much but I’m sure with lesser monthly expenses they’ll be just fine.

I won’t lie I’d really rather not die. I love the people around me more than I can ever hope to express in any meaningful way. Being happy because of them even if it’s far and few is rather nice but it’s because I love them that I need to stop subjecting them to me. They deserve that at the very least

They’ll be happier without me. They might’ve needed me there at some point and I might’ve done the bare minimum and in some cases not even that and in other cases been actively destructive to them in those times of need. But those times are long past, they don’t really need me now and when I’m gone for long enough they’ll see that I was just a detriment to have around. Either way that’s the only reason they’ll fe any sadness if at all when I die, because they’re good people unlike me. Tanay needed me in HS and I tried being there for him but whether he admits it or not I did so much more damage than good and it’s not really debatable at all. Tim and deergha never really needed me because they’re have each other and I only ever got in their way. Zann might’ve needed me to be there at some point because she convinced herself that people don’t love her but it’s not difficult to prove her wrong at all. People do love her, how could they not, she’s amazing. I might’ve done the bare minimum for her but she doesn’t need that anymore. She has friends who do the minimum and so much more, she’s living. When not actively detrimental, I’m only ornamental at best in presence in the lives of everyone I know and because they’re good people that realisation will take time to dawn on them after I die but I’m sure eventually, even if they’re too stubborn to admit it, they’ll realise.

It doesn’t matter if they realise, I’ve realised, I’ve known for a while and I’ve been nothing but selfish. I deserve this— no, they deserve this.