alechaos

[alechaos]

IS YOUR LIFE FEELING DARK LATELY?

[alechaos]

"It didn’t kill me, but I came out stronger"

I can still clearly recall this incident. It was our last meal together before our father returned to Abu Dhabi to carry on his business there. We were getting ready since our father was taking us to Tagaytay for dinner so we could see the Taal volcano in its grandeur.

I was in my room doing my thing when I heard a big bang coming from my mother's bathroom on the first floor. My siblings were gathered around my father, who was holding my mother in his arms, while I hurried downstairs to see what was happening. It turns out that while having a bath, my mother stumbled on the bathroom floor. She said that at first, she felt quite lightheaded and nauseous, but within a few minutes, she believed she was already perfectly fine. We drove to Tagaytay and continued our dinner thinking she was okay.

After a few days, she began to experience severe pain in various spots across her body. She frequently complains how much her body hurts and how dizzy she is, among other things. However, she consistently asserts that it was merely a case of the flu and will eventually pass. It didn't, though. 

She finally agreed to be taken to the hospital after noticing how much weight she lost over a short period of time and we were so worried that we literally beg her to come with us and bring her to the hospital.. Then the doctors examined her, and when the tests revealed that she had diabetes and dengue virus. Her body was also injured by the fall, weakening her muscles and we were all taken by surprise.

She found it difficult to walk and stand still as much as she used to due to her physical discomfort, which caused her great stress because it meant she couldn't do her house work and responsibilities. We took care of all the household duties and tasks for her because she was unable to move. But as a result of feeling so worthless, she grows frantic and grumpier.

This continued for over a month. 

“Baka hindi na ako makalakad ulit or makatayo ng sobrang tagal like before kasi naaalala ko ang sakit no’n sobra kapag nag ta-try ako tumayo or maglakad magisa. Ayan talaga ang iniisip ko noong panahon na yun” 

Her head became overwhelmed with the idea of not being able to do the things she used to do. 

“Iniisip ko nga kapag bumalik na si daddy mo sa UAE eh sino na magpapaligo sakin haha” 

Not only her body felt weak at that moment but also her thoughts time since she felt so isolated from others. She was mourning the loss of her old life and good health. feeling incapable of looking over the worst-case situation or feeling helpless and hopeless. She has the  feeling of regret or remorse over the events and actions she believe may have led to her illness or injury. Shame at the impact her illness is having on those around her.

Everyone advised her to remain patient as her medication and recuperation progressed, which she did. She curbed her excessive whining and concentrated on her therapies. 

“Everyone said na huwag kong itago yung nararamdaman ko. Ilabas ko lang ng ilabas kasi okay lang masaktan. Okay lang matakot pero huwag magpapalamon sa takot na iyon.”

Your emotions exist whether you're aware of them or not, even if it may seem preferable in the time to avoid feeling them. Trying to suppress your emotions will simply lead to more stress and perhaps even a slower recovery. But if you give yourself permission to experience your emotions, you'll discover that even strong, unsettling sentiments pass, the initial shock you had upon learning of your diagnosis starts to fade, and some areas of life even get back to normal.

‘Nagulat nalang ako na one day okay na lahat. I can finally walk and move around ng hindi kailangan ng tulong na iba. Sobrang thankful ako na bumalik sa ayos yung condition ko. Syempre may prayers din doon but mostly thankful sa mga tumulong sakin.”

[alechaos]

A Blue Afternoon

A Blue Afternoon Today,

the sky is upset yet again; that

that the sun hid behind clouds,and tinted everything in blue Its tears weighed down trees,

making them sad and droopy while swaying to the melody. That the wind goes on to whistle. Could it be an

attempt to console the sky? Pitter-patter in my ears; Staring as the drops race to the ground. Hair standing across my

skin, arms coming to embrace myself, like I could

hide from its cold air. The scent of wet earth surrounds me, Filling my mouth,

I can almost taste it.

[alechaos]

Call it Coleen

I met her in my first year of senior high school. Since it is mostly an online class, it is not easy to get to know my classmates. She is quiet most of the time and rarely opened her camera and microphone. But I truly admire her a lot because of her renowned dedication to her studies. She consistently prioritizes her studies and completes her assignments on time. She is diligent and well-organized in all instances. Everything fits into her schedule, and she is quite good at managing her time. She is kind, caring, and honest, yet she avoids chatting up with people she doesn't know well. She constantly does her best to assist me or one of my friends when we are having problems.

Coleen is a beautiful young lady of about 17 years old. She is of medium height, with a typical body figure, black hair, and a round face. She has thick lips, pointed nose, and narrow eyes. Many believe that due of her facial expressions, she always seems to be in a grumpy mood. When we first met her, we could assume that she will be difficult to get along with, but she isn't really like that.

There isn't much engagement between us in the first semester of grade 11, our interactions started in the second semester when we started working together as groups on reports and even research. We then grew closer once face-to-face classes resumed as we are friends with the same people, so I got to know her better and discovered a lot more things about her. She enjoys reading books, especially those she may find online or on websites. Though I can't recall for sure and I don't want to question her again, I believe she told me the genre she enjoys. She also loves playing mobile games, particularly Mobile Legends. We both enjoy playing that game, so that is one thing we have in common. We used to play a lot whenever we had nothing to do or no teacher was around. 

“Hoy ano ba ako nga kasi mage! Isang mage lang puwede, mag MM ka nalang!” 

Since Mage is her main role in the game, she always gets upset whenever someone takes the role. She is often calm but may be rather aggressive at times. Just watching her do what she does is hilarious and amusing to me.

She also believes in Zodiacs, Astrology, and Horoscopes.  

“May retrograde kasi kaya ganiyan.”

I once asked her, "You really believe in that?" She answered “Yes” and then responded, "Because I hold that to be the source of all my current problems." when I asked her why. It fascinates me since I've read a lot about how astrology may be used as a coping mechanism in stressful conditions. There is resistance to going through more effort to find solutions that may or may not satisfy or soothe the person. The simplest answer to these difficult situations is given by astrology.

Coleen is a wonderful person who never fails to surprise. She had made numerous contributions to my life. We encounter so many people in our short lives, and the majority of them we won't recognize in a few years. You often find a special person who stays in your memories forever and she’s one of them. Regardless of the fact that our connection may have ended poorly, I am still thankful that I was able to meet her and quickly develop a friendship with her.

[alechaos]

I did something very big today, and that is adopting and owning a cat AGAIN.

You might think that this doesn't matter or that it's commonplace, but for me, it wasn't. I lost my three lovely cats six months ago in a very terrible way possible. This resulted in a severe depression that caused me a lot of trouble.

The worst thing someone can go through is losing someone they love very much. When the pain is this extreme, you might ask yourself, "What's the use of being here anymore?" I ask myself that question all the time, ever since they passed away.

But I took a big step today. Even though I believe I am a terrible cat owner and would once again fail, I put off getting a cat for a long time.

[alechaos]

Do the Pandemic Changes Everything?

Two years ago passed by really fast, and I can still remember the days I was at the school grounds of Mater Ecclesiae, saying hi and hello to the people I know, hanging out with my best friend by the playground, enjoying our lunch together, building memories with my teachers and classmates as we study and fancy every subject altogether. Then, after such a long day, I'd ride the school service, seeing and greeting my sister and her friends as we finally meet once again and blurting silly jokes as I make memories with the people surrounding me. Once I get home, I will greet my mom with a hug and tell my family how my day went. As I reach out for my bed after the day, I will reminisce and continue to fancy over the things I did in the past months until today and be grateful for how amazing things went. Ah, it was such a fantastic memoir, as if almost everything I did pre-pandemic was the usual thing I do as I move forward every day.

And then, one day, someone out of the blue became mainstream and a headline on every single news outlet, whether on tabloids or online news-- he can be everywhere. Someone who establishes its face worldwide, even though it has no distinct and recognizable features. After his first appearance from the different reports, just about 24 hours, everyone across the globe was rattled by his intimidating and terrifying presence. I can still remember how our classes were canceled that day. We were in our class after lunch when our instructor went inside our room to announce that we needed to pack our things as the head of the institution decided to send us home. I wasn't really sure during that time why and what's the reason for the sudden announcement as the announcer did not impart the news in detail. When I got home, I was shocked to see my older sister telling my mom the same announcement I was told earlier that day. She said that our country officially contracted the disease that has been killing many people from China-- that it finally reached our country and our people. Of course, I had no idea what they were talking about as I was not a fan of reading news articles and getting updates about current events. Only then I knew about the COVID-19 virus that has been spreading across the globe. My older brother also mentioned that day that their university announced the cancellation of their classes for the upcoming days, as the first report of the disease was found to be from the Bulacan area. As we spoke about why we were sent home, from that moment, I knew something terrible might be happening in the future. To be honest, from that moment, I felt some sort of uneasiness and worrisome because we just had experienced being covered with ashes from the eruption of Mount Taal during the second week of January, and I know for sure that many people haven't recovered yet from its impact.

In a  span of 24 hours after the news broke out nationwide, our lives changed in a snap. The next thing I knew was we were under the pandemic, and we had to follow a new set of rules and regulations in order to protect ourselves and prevent the diseases from further spreading throughout the country. Not just the way people are living changed, but the modalities of learning have also brought us a new perspective on learning. Before the pandemic, I am not a fan of using alcohol and disinfectants-- not just me, but I think most people are not fond of doing such activities like this. But because of the pandemic, I learned to constantly use disinfectants-- literally as if it has become a mannerism to prevent myself from contracting the COVID-19 virus. Another thing I observed myself is the behavior of constantly checking up on the news. Knowing that throughout the pandemic, the prevalence of fake news spreading is so high as if it was a disease. When you go online and check a news report content from reliable sources, you will see the skyrocketing hate and backlash it gained from the mass. On the other side, if you will go and check social media posts from trolls, unreliable profiles, and poser accounts, you will be dazed by how many comments, reactions, likes, and shares it gathered considering that the post's content is filled with irrelevant, unreliable, and deceiving information. Generally speaking, if we are to talk about the changes in my lifestyle, I could tell that in two years, I was able to help myself grow more and take care of my well-being. I also learned to value and love my efforts to maintain my life's peacefulness. I engaged myself in performing self-care routines like skincare routines and learned the importance of cutting your hair as part of maintaining its healthiness and nourishment, eating healthier foods, and taking a break from social media because I recognized how social media negatively impact my mental wellness, especially throughout the pandemic, many people are starting to get more vicious and terrifying of expressing themselves. I realized that taking a break from social media could actually be healthful in reducing the environmental stresses you're feeling. During the pandemic, I also started improving my academic life. I became more serious about studying, and as much as I wanted, I made sure to obtain high grades and bring the best out of myself. This realization hit me when I was in grade 11 because, at that moment, I finally thought of how things could affect my future career and future self. To be more academically prepared, I watched tutorials on how to use different online databases, asked for help from my sister, and gave myself free time to learn more about online websites. As we now conduct face-to-face classes, I am confident enough to tell everyone that I can do the things they want me to do because I put effort into learning things. This pandemic also helped me feel more connected with my family because when we were constrained from running errands outside our house, that paved the way for spending more time with our family. That two years gave me time to build a stronger bond with my family and helped me to be more open with them. What happened in our country also improved my emotional quotient because the pandemic taught us that being compassionate and understanding to everyone surrounding you is one of the core values we must attain so that we will be able to extend our hands to people who needed our help. The pandemic is proof that not all everyone is in the same boat. I mean, it's true that we're all on the same water, but we're not riding the same boat that has the same durability to withstand every struggle we face. It only takes a kind and understanding heart to make others feel better, and this is the essential thing the pandemic taught me.

As I end this note, it is indispensable that for some people, the pandemic may have been so cruel and challenging to handle-- something that might have been traumatizing for them, and I understand that. But for my case, I am thankful because the pandemic gave me lots of time to think about myself in such a way that I can reflect daily on the things I do and the decisions I make. The pandemic allowed me to focus on myself, even though it's only for two years. I will forever be grateful for that two years because, in that two years, I was able to create a new me where that me has an improved character and a better version.