aleolikeswriting

[aleolikeswriting]

oddly serene

Trimester 2 has finally ended! It’s been a rough trimester, really tiring and the theme of the tri really was one of a lack of time management. but it’s one of the best school terms I’ve had though, despite the possibly bad HMT grade, or the possibly bad cGPA, other than having proper time management outside of my friends, I don’t think I would have done it any other way.

I’ve been oddly less panicky, less jittery, less anxious about life? I wonder why. It’s oddly serene, almost as if it’s the calm before the storm of my current existence; a quarter-life crisis waiting to happen, but I’m still living the honeymoon phase of this twenty-odd year life.

But despite what I think is an inevitable and rapidly approaching valley-state of my life, I’m still thankful that what has been, has been the way it is. But maybe it’s time to shake things up, I mean.. it’ll probably shake even if I remain still. I want to emphasize that I’m not being pessimistic, it’s just that life has been such an tall wave, that I can’t help but feel that it’ll come crashing down soon.

But maybe it won’t, maybe the waves will stay high. Maybe this is what life was meant to be, maybe the tiny decisions I’ve made over the years and months are amounting to something. Maybe it’s finally working.

[aleolikeswriting]

not easy at all

“To love at all is to be vulnerable. Love anything and your heart will be wrung and possibly broken. If you want to make sure of keeping it intact you must give it to no one, not even an animal. Wrap it carefully round with hobbies and little luxuries; avoid all entanglements. Lock it up safe in the casket or coffin of your selfishness. But in that casket, safe, dark, motionless, airless, it will change. It will not be broken; it will become unbreakable, impenetrable, irredeemable. To love is to be vulnerable.”

-C.S. Lewis

Love is patient and love is kind, that's what the Bible says, among other things. But here's what it doesn't say that some platitudes might imply or lie to you about; that love is easy, or that it solves itself if you just.. continue loving?

Here's a spoiler: It's not easy and it definitely doesn't solve itself.

I want to try and define it in another way; for instance, love brings with it an infinite potential to hurt because you're placing your heart in the most vulnerable position possible. To love is to eventually be hurt, to love is pain.

There are days when this decision to love will hurt immensely, it'll be debilitating, it'll be the 'hide under your pillow and cry' kinda pain; maybe it's during these moments that you find that love isn't worth it. And this leaves a tiny scar, for some maybe a sizable scar on their fragile hearts.

But here's the thing, I don't think love is a lie; one which only exists in fairytales and success stories. Linking this back to the start: patience is a choice, kindness is a choice, forgiveness is a choice, love is a choice.

Here's the beautiful thing about love, we always have a choice. To determine who gets to witness that tested heart, to determine who gets to embrace your imperfect heart, to determine who gets to heal a scarred heart.

And it's always a risk, the value of something lies within the risk, something is only risky when there's something at stake; for some it's to let go of their love, for some it's to give it away, for some it's to withhold for the moment, the list goes on and on.

To love is to be vulnerable, where is your vulnerability leading you to today? I think mine is making me better.

[aleolikeswriting]

of oceans and puddles

"If they won't jump puddles for you, why should you cross oceans for them?"

I think this quote is born out of good will, to suggest to people that there’s no need to give up so much for someone willing to do so little for you; but here’s the thing, this quote is the first step to loving for the sake of receiving something in return, though that’s a far stretch.

The quote serves to protect people from heartbreak, unnecessary heartbreak, wasted efforts. I believe it points only towards those who are diverting too much of their love and effort onto people who are seemingly “not worth” such love, and while some people can adopt such a mindset, I don’t really think I can?

It can potentially be self-destructive, sure. But I believe in loving for the sake of loving, putting in effort into something even if there might not be an outcome, why? Because it’s something we are all called to do, “Love one another, as I have loved you.”. And since some people can’t naturally feel God’s love, what other way to express it than to do it yourself? 

I don’t think love should always beget appreciation, it’ll be nice but sometimes it just doesn’t. Does it mean we stop doing it anyway? I don’t think so. Maybe one day my cup will run dry, maybe I’ll get jaded from all this, but for now my cup is still being filled, and as long as it’s being filled I’ll continue giving, to the capacity that I am able to give.

So even if they don’t cross puddles for me, I’ll probably still cross oceans for them, even if there’s no one on my side of the puddle for now, because everyone deserves to have someone crossing the ocean for them. Maybe you should too, if you already are.. then I think we might find ourselves on the same side of the puddle one day.

[aleolikeswriting]

很累

怕不爱睡不着,

但是爱着也睡不着了

不知道还能坚持多久

一点都不值得

没有机会的，把你梦想都放下吧

有个朋友问过我

“不是很苦吗“

“还OK吧”

可能睡醒了就OK了

thank you for coming to my TedTalk, here’s attempt one at chinese-ing (if you see some glaring errors, or grammatical errors do lmk)

By no means a love expert, or a hopeless romantic, but y’know, the vibe was there.. organic chemistry does weird things to your mind.

Despite all this, 爱还是值得的.

But maybe let’s start with the people around us.

[aleolikeswriting]

lmao loser

"In another lifetime. loser :)"

Just for the record, I don't go down the whole different lifetimes thing, but the quote is something I can totally vibe with.

It's been.. very long! The whole process of moving on and forgetting has taken me quite a while, and I can only thank the people around me for being the way they are, for caring the way they do, for loving they way they love.

Today someone asked me, have you moved on? And to be honest I don't know, I get very attached to the people I care about; and oddly enough now there's other things to move on towards and away from as well, how perplexing.

I'm really tired right now so this is gonna be short, but I still wanted to write it because my brother talked to me about .. life? There's so much to process that I don't want to let the me of tomorrow do it. It takes a lot to realize certain things, and there are opportunities you shouldn't miss, this for me is probably one of them.

I hope when you ask me for coffee again, that I can say "Yes." without hesitation, that we can be friends again.

And here's to another flooded with talent, one overflowing with care; to the one I care for.

"Take care dummy, maybe in another lifetime."

[aleolikeswriting]

losing the crutch

“Bad habits, even if they’re damaging, are generally coping mechanisms. They’re crutches that ease our pain - learning to deal with it is not something to glorify, it requires us to deal with loss; it’s painful, it’s tragic, it hurts, but I know you can do it.”

Crutches, they come in many different forms, but they tend to lead to one keyword, ‘dissociation’. To dissociate, to disconnect from the present, from the body, from the mind. 

They’re called crutches for a reason, because they hold in place what the present you are unable to maintain. But here is the thing, becoming overly dependent on crutches is detrimental for mental health; some say you’re swapping out one addiction for another, others say it’s a way to pretend, to tide over for one day. But D-Day always arrives, what do the crutches do then if we are not recovered, if we are not prepared?

The injured man does not receive crutches with the intention of using them forever, for he seeks to recover. So why then do we enter using said ‘emotional crutch’ without the intention of ever losing them? I think there is a problem with a lot of us when it comes to mental health, why is there no step-by-step plan in dealing with these issues, why do we not walk ourselves through it?

The crutch is not the solution, but it does get us there. So, when you step out of something less than ideal, and you feel like you need a crutch, visualize. See beyond the crutch and into what the ideal should be, how do I get there? 

Easier said than done right? Definitely. 

But we’ll get there, one step at a time. After all, the coping mechanisms which we call our crutches are meant to be our servants, and may we never forget that - they’re with us that we may overcome, that they’re lost eventually.

[aleolikeswriting]

it’s okay not to be okay

"그러니 잊지 마. 잊지 말고 이겨 내. 이겨 내지 못하면, 너는 영혼이 자라지 않은 어린애일 뿐이야." "So don't forget any of it. Remember it all and overcome it. If you don't overcome it, you'll always be a kid whose soul never grows."

I've been watching this show called "It's Okay Not to Be Okay." and honestly I've never been quite as immersed in a Korean Drama as I have been in this one. Maybe it's the moral they put at the end of every episode, or maybe it's the storybooks they're using in the show, or maybe it's the premise; the topic of mental health, though the show mostly touches on childhood trauma, PTSD, ASD and APSD.

Here's the end (it's a really short book) of the first book written by the main character in the show. Not gonna give a review on the show, but I thought it did great in terms of re-presenting depictions of mental health, as well as the recovery and healing process - though oversimplified and somewhat romanticized (not the mental issues just the whole story but that's just a kdrama thing).

The show made me think about a lot of things, one in particular was what a supporting character with autism said, which was "Is being different something to be afraid of?". In particular the idea of approaching and caring for people with mental issues and disabilities, why make it so hard? The stigmas tied to the issues are only amplifying the problems, though this whole topic stretches out to compassion and understanding.

There's this overarching theme of not avoiding your past and your present problems (though it is understandable why you would), and instead confronting it. Acknowledging your scars and emotions, facing your inner demons, etc. Though easier said than done, it is made clear in the show that it is painful, it is messy (for you and for the ones around you), and it can be very overwhelming - it eventually has to be done, but everyone has their own timeline.

"Perhaps most importantly, having compassion for yourself means that you honor and accept your humanness."

[aleolikeswriting]

the weight of expectations

“Who do you think you are?”

“Don’t think too highly of yourself.”

Empty words, empty thoughts, empty expectations. Yet still heavy all the same. I think I’ve heard more “encouraging” words than I have “discouraging” ones in my life, but the ones that resonate are always the latter.

“You were made for more than this.”, is just one of the many positive things people say to me, and I would definitely agree; allowing yourself to be distraught unnecessarily is a waste; a waste of headspace, of emotions, of who I am as a person.

I entered the title of this entry thinking it’ll be something about the weight of the expectations of others: family, friends, loved ones, acquaintances. But as I thought about it, it began to shift to the far end; the weight of expectation is not caused by others, its the weight that you’ve allocated to their expectation, that is now your weight.

But back to expectations, whether it’s your own expectation, the expectation of others, or the supposed expectation you’ve placed upon yourself from their expectation, if it starts to pile up eventually you might say:

“It’s hard when everyone believes in you, it’s hard when you believe in so much.”

That’s not logical, the faith of others in us and the hope we have for the future is what drives us forward. But when you give up on yourself, when you give up on your hopes and dreams, these measures of faith and hope are unnecessary weight, they’re heavy, they seem to pull you down.

Because everyone can say what they want, but the one with the ball on the court is you. Who do I think I am? What goes through my head? Was I really made for more than this? These are questions only you can answer, which lead to actions only you can perform; the stage is yours, take it.

So the next time you feel less than ideal, remember the words that everyone has spoken, be it good or bad, and make sense of it all. 

[aleolikeswriting]

thank you 2020

“Isn't it nice to think that tomorrow is a new day with no mistakes in it yet?”

Isn’t it nice to think that 2021 is a new year, one that is still unblemished? That no matter how good or how bad 2020 was, as long as we view every year in a compartmentalized manner, 2021 is still clean.

Some might think there’s no real benefit to doing this, and maybe they’re right. But here’s the thing, no matter how good or how bad 2020 was, I now give myself the option to “start over” on a flat line, a neutral point, a clean slate.

I’m painting on a new canvas, I’m.. able to restructure how I want 2021 to go. It’s akin to a daily plan?? Like viewing every day as a new opportunity, as this whole restart point where I can do things differently.

The realist would say, “But today isn’t necessarily any different from yesterday.”. And to that I say, you’re right, it isn’t. But something IS different, and that is I have the knowledge of yesterday that I didn’t actually have yesterday. Does that make a huge difference? It depends. Some days are “shittier” than others, and those days we probably learn a lot, whether that’s about ourselves or the handling of said “shitty” day. Carrying that over into the next day makes the you of tomorrow that much wiser.

If we’re looking at this from a year by year standpoint, then every year brings with it a multitude of experiences, a whole collection of memories, hopefully a lot of growth. Will 2021 be drastically different from 2020 from a circumstantial perspective? Highly likely, so that’s unpredictable. Will 2021 be drastically different from a personal perspective? I think that’s up to us to decide, at least to some extent.

I wanna quote Master Oogway from Kung Fu Panda, where he says, “Yesterday is history. Tomorrow is a mystery. But today is a gift. That's why it is called the present.” 

2020 is history, 2022 is a mystery, but 2021 is a gift. I hope we appreciate 2021, that we managed to reach it. No matter how good or how bad it is, at least we are still here, able to make a difference in someone else’s life, in our own lives, and to see how life unfolds itself to us and to everyone around us.

Thank you 2020, you’ve given me a lot. 

2021, I hope I’m able to make full use of you.

p.s. I still wanna do some kind of 2020 reflection thing, but I’m really lazy to summarize the year.

[aleolikeswriting]

merry (belated) christmas

This is kind of a 2020 summary post, maybe not the last post of the year but read ahead if you don’t mind a long-ish one!

I hope we all had a great Christmas, mine was.. pretty good! Though I think it could probably have gone differently if not for Covid.

Normally I'd have a Christmas party with my extended family and some family friends. Like any other year we'd play Werewolves, or 狼人杀, cause apparently this has different characters - I'd get to see all my cousins and their partners, maybe some new ones. My aunts would ask me about my relationship status, my progress in school, the golden, "Did you lose weight?".

But Covid threw a spanner in the works, and everything I assumed would happen didn't happen. I didn't meet all my cousins, I didn't see their partners, none of my relatives were able to ask about my life, and neither did I tell them anything about it.

2020 was different.

Was different good? It depends right? But I do know I took a lot of things for granted. Instead of meeting family, I met new people and had different encounters. Friends of friends, smaller group meetups, deeper talks, craft beer, late night conversations, etc.

If there's anything I learned this year, it's that nothing is wasted or lost. Much like the wonderful first law of thermodynamics, which states that energy is never lost, only transferred; things in life are hardly ever lost, what you lose in one aspect you find that you'll gain in another.

I lost a lot in 2019, maybe not physically but emotionally. I became quite a lot more apathetic, because caring less means you don't get hurt, right? I lowered my expectations, so I wouldn't fall as hard. I hid my feelings and pretended, so people wouldn't ask as many questions. "I'm fine.", "Life is going great!"..

"2019 was a great year.", it wasn't.

Over the course of NS in 2020, uni, church (and my cellies) and the conversations in between, I’m genuinely starting to like the idea of human interaction again. I think the Aleo of 2019 would be proud of me, that I stopped sleeping my days away wallowing in self-pity, that I’m finally back up on my feet.

To care, to love, to know my worth, to be vulnerable. These things I’m learning to do and to have once again. Will 2021 be a good year? I genuinely don’t know. For all you know 2021 can be another 2019-kinda year, it would suck but it could happen, after all that’s not exactly under my control.

2020 was different because what I believed would happen didn’t happen, but instead they were exchanged with newer things.

2020 was different because I transited out of NS into a new environment, and I met all these wonderful people.

2020 was different because I’m learning to be myself again.

2020 was different, and it was pretty good. It really was.

[aleolikeswriting]

garden

"A friend is the one that overlooks your broken fence, and admires the flowers in your garden."

And a best friend is one that fixes the broken fence while they’re admiring the flowers. At least that’s what a bulk of the replies to this quote says. 

I won’t disagree with the quote though, there’s a lot of glorification with leaving the broken.. broken? And while there was a bit of a tug-of-war between the “leave the broken fence broken” squad and the “fix the broken” gang, there were some truths to both sides.

For example, I am not a fan of fixing something broken for someone else, not literally but figuratively. Cause who’s supposed to fix it for them again if you’re gone right? But I’m also not going to leave something broken alone, cause that seems kind of cruel, well at least to me.

“Noblesse Oblige”, while very much misused in the 19th century, is something that applies here - not that I’m a noble or anything. It essentially pertains to helping someone if one is in a position to do so; or “I help others because I am able to help them - I’m more well off.”, the Biblical perspective would be, “Blessed to bless.”. It goes on and on.

But you might say, “Some people don’t want help.”, or “Some people can’t even help themselves.”, which I completely see and agree with - here’s the thing, I don’t think anyone would reject help if they were of a sound mind, since when was independence ever a greater factor than well-being? Maybe to some, though I hope not to most.

Would I help if I could? Yes. To what extent? I don’t know.

Do I fix the fence myself, or do I give you the materials to do so? Do I stand there and give you moral support and eye-power while you fix the fence, or am I supposed to be there with you while it’s being fixed? These are questions I am still asking myself, because how much is too much - when would you consider it overboard, would anyone consider overboard?

Who knows, would be nice to know but the world isn’t that kind, information isn’t freely given like that - for now.. I’ll stop and stare at the flowers, a little appreciation won’t hurt, right?

[aleolikeswriting]

the little things

“You should enjoy the little detours to the fullest. Because that's where you'll find the things more important than what you want.”

We're not always capable of living for the larger goals and things in life, but we can always live for the little things in life.

The smell of coffee in the morning, the sunrises and sunsets, the tears that are brought to your eyes when you gaze upon that orange-y, sometimes purple-y sky. Live for the days when you feel something beyond yourself, live for moments that make your heart move.

More often that not (at least according to my experiences), these moments come by in the smallest of things; skies, conversations, when vibing, reading a book. They happen when we do life, and they show up all the time.

Idk about anyone, but I get through my weeks and months (and years) day by day, not that I don't see the big picture, but one step at a time. To be present at all stages and all steps, to soak everything up.

Like the quote says, enjoy the detours. They might be bad detours, like a breakup. Or a good detour, like a literal detour and you wind up meeting random people. But regardless, all these detours bring something into our lives, experiences we otherwise wouldn't have gotten. And some of these experiences, like my conversations about bread, are more enlightening than anything else could ever be.

I think once we figure out how to appreciate these small things, the bigger things start to make more sense, or rather they seem easier to reach.

The small things make life worth living, maybe that's why I appreciate every conversation, even silence, as long as it's time spent well.

This is what it means to be alive.

[aleolikeswriting]

my favorite

“Hunt for beauty and after a time long enough, you'll begin to see it everywhere.”

Something I practically live by, I mean it’s quoted from like my life inspo. But the idea of beauty potentially existing in every faucet of life is a very inspiring thing right? Beauty in cracks, in imperfections, in the bad and the ugly.

This mostly applies in my photography, taking seemingly mundane scenes (like HDBs or shophouses) and making them look a bit more eye-catching. It’s all about perspective - shifting yourself around to find an angle that makes a normal scene shine.

I think this goes beyond photography though, and extends to anything. If it’s math (as nerdy as this sounds), fractals are a pretty beautiful thing. But I wanna propose the idea of finding beauty in all human beings, not just physically.

I have only teared up twice in all of my photography adventures, once it was when I saw the Milky Way for the first time, and the other was when I was taking photos of night market people. Both vastly different, but beautiful in their own ways.

And of course beauty in my favorites, some favorite-r than others. Maybe the rose-tinted glasses makes them look a bit better than usual - but when someone becomes a favorite, you see infinite potential in them; for growth, for beauty, for life. Maybe that dulls your senses somewhat in judgement, idk. But I think seeing everyone in a more positive light might bring them higher than they supposedly were, to encourage and to raise up beyond their own expectations.

To find beauty and potential in the most broken of people, a diamond in the rough.

Today I saw a piece of bread and I thought of you, yeast for growth, flour mixtures for texture and flavor, the final product in all of its beauty - I hope you grow well, just like that sourdough bread on the counter, not perfect but still immensely gorgeous.

Look for beauty, it’s already everywhere.

[aleolikeswriting]

shortchanged

"If you can sell yourself short in the gym, what other areas of your life are you selling yourself short in?"

There was a thought being passed around, that the idea of "I can't." shouldn't exist, even if you really can't, you try till you can. Fall down seven, get up eight.

"It's not that easy!", someone commented. A bystander replied, "It's not supposed to be." And it really isn't, since when has anything in life come easy right? Anything that's worth working towards, usually doesn't come easy at all.

What areas are you selling yourself short in? Your health? Your relationships? Your well-being? Your family? Because it shows, when you sell yourself short in the seemingly little things, i.e. in the simplicity of gains (as dumb as this sounds) - you're vastly capable of selling yourself short in many other avenues.

You're capable and deserving of so much more, in many ways that's not just fitness or health.

"Say you can, and figure it out later."

[aleolikeswriting]

tri 1 break initial thoughts

you can't see it but i teared up, over the thought of ... life???

"aleo you're being overly dramatic". maybe i am! but this whole trimester has been a wild ride, and the thought of it ending, and maybe school ending scares me to some extent.

i'm gonna miss a lot about the tri - worst part is there is no guarantee that i'll ever get the tri to repeat itself again, after all i might not be able to afford to do that again. will it just be mugging ??? stress?? head hurts thinking so much about everything that shouldn't matter now - "don't think so far ahead" is what Christie said to me today, wish i could listen to you but it's really difficult

what am i gonna come out of school with, are thoughts floating around my head. what's the meaning of this, what's the meaning of that etc etc - tonight i talk to myself, me myself and i and my bed. the bed calls me to sleep, but me wants to talk more to myself, and i seems kinda restless. did that situation mean anything, is person x finding me annoying, person y low key doesn't wanna talk to me, person z just pretending. enough thoughts tho aleo, they're unnecessary

let's do some necessary thought instead:

will i come out of it better? more educated? stronger? more prepared for life? jaded? so many words that i can use that'll just add on to this pile of incessant thought. maybe tonight's dream will be a nightmare so it can process all this.

day 0 of tri break: what am i supposed to do with it?

[aleolikeswriting]

not enough

“To struggle is to be human.”

I think there’s a certain beauty to striving. To know you’re terribly inadequate, yet to try all the same.

Humans aren't enough, I wholeheartedly believe this because we always have to pass on our aspirations to a future generation, our successes are a summation of generations of effort, a gathering of cumulative work. Does that sound like something a single human can do?

Even the greatest of minds built their work upon the works of others. It was aptly coined by Isaac Newton that it is by "standing on the shoulders of giants" that we are able to see further.

And such is the beauty of humanity. We try, we strive, we work towards a goal - not knowing whether or not it'll come to fruition in this time frame, in this lifetime, yet we still try.

It is in the ability to feel despair and lack that makes it that much more meaningful. To do despite feeling the heaviness of the heart, to walk despite baggages. Will the goal free us from these? Probably not, but we still do it.

Why do you live? Why do you function as you do? I do because I have something I want, I do because I find life beautiful, even when it's ugly. I do because I think there's a future out there that I can settle down on. Will my expectations let me down? Maybe at certain junctures, but I'll still walk on, step lightly, and go forward.

I have some kinda heart pain rn, idk why but it literally hurts - kinda worrying. Hopefully I can wake up tomorrow morning and be fine. There's still so much I want to do.

The future holds an unknown, and I'm looking forward to grabbing this unknown.

[aleolikeswriting]

goodbye

one trek forgotten, one path unfolded

over time my heart was molded

up upon the slippery slope i climbed

no sense of belonging, no sense of time

just one blink, one step, one breath

each singularity a sign of death

a new sunrise, a new sky it brings

maybe its time to spread my wings

here’s to a new chapter, to that new story

one of hope, of life, and not worry

thank you for reading through the cringy rhymes

here’s me saying goodbye

not to you, but to the end of the tri.

p.s. !! its a poem thing?? idk what these are called but thought it’d be fun to play with writing - maybe i shld stick to the whole reflection style writing - but this is pretty fun