alexc-d23

[alexc-d23]

There is something about emotions and feelings that I can’t really get a true grasp of them. So easy to feel, so easy to live yet so hard to understand and control.

Lately I’ve been hunted by many thoughts; especially regarding my state of mind and my future actions that will somehow be influenced by my past and connected by the present decisions. I don’t know exactly what I’m trying to say, but maybe that’s the whole point. Not knowing. You see, there’s something in my head that refuses to live in a nonchalant way- assuming that there’s a possibility to actually live that way- I simply struggle to believe that what I’m doing it’s, or will, make somehow sense in the future.

I mean yes, I’m living and studying and hoping and want to actually do something- but I just can’t see the outcome of all of this.

What the hell am I supposed to do?

I’m planning stuff; I want to move abroad for example. I keep telling myself that once I’m done with it this university I’ll be finally able to start (perhaps) a new life somewhere far from where I am now. But, once again, I feel… delusional?

“So I moved to California but it’s just a state of mind/ It turns out that everywhere you go, you take yourself, that’s not a lie…”

As Lana Del Rey says, everywhere you go you take yourself. So what exactly is a new life? How can I start a new life when life is a continuous of events 80% created by the past actions you’ve done and 20% based on how lucky or unlucky you are. So basically we are just ourselves in different places and environments. Same old me in a brand new pot of circumstances. Same old shit in a new scene.

Might I finish this relatively futile stream of consciousness with little to no resolution.

Are we, or better, am I even aware of what I’m doing? Or am I just the result of my unknown taken actions? Perhaps none or everything at once. Maybe not but maybe somehow yes.

Funny. Isn’t it?

[alexc-d23]

A nostalgic feeling between the memories

A state of confusion the mind it is

Oh so strange to be alive,

To breath and feel the rush of life

To feel and dream of better time

To fall and give your heart some time

To cry and stay up at night

In a fear that you don’t know how to survive

Alone but surrounded by beating hearts

Afraid of future

Because you’re fine but not at ease, to experience those feelings that are drown.

This is somehow, my cry for help and my desire

To feel alive and happy

In a fast-pacing-world drawn by a liar

Which is, at the end in the clarity

Yourself and your mind burning on the pyre.

[alexc-d23]

It’s kinda strange to come here and just post (or better saying, blog?) whenever I got something on my mind.

I remember Tumblr, it was my safe space years ago. I don’t know really why I left, I think it was necessary so that I could move on in my life- kinda dramatic but it is partially true. Back then, I was in very fragile state of mind. Can’t really give it a diagnose, but I wasn’t okay. I was surrounding myself with things that only made me somehow accept what I was feeling. It’s very strange to put it into words.

It was necessary.

But I think now, me being here, it’s both funny but nostalgic? Funny cause I feel like that kid that joins in 4th grade and doesn’t understands the dynamics of the class; lost and puzzled. But also nostalgic because I somehow feel like once, may it be how many years they are, I was part of this- all of this. Surely, things changed and perhaps dark, Lana and The Neighborhood core , undiagnosed mental conditions core and many other stuff, isn’t the main topic of this social media.

Time changes.

However, I’ll try to use this platform from now on to freely let my mind flow. One thing that Tumblr is still amazing for? Accepting people and who they are. Might be some stuff that I don’t know, but I feel… safe? Maybe yea, for now, it’s how I feel in here. Will I turn this into my own personal space to free my stream of consciousness?

Perhaps.

For now, at 4.10am on a Thursday morning, I’m here and I’m being a little silly.

Take care.

[alexc-d23]

Inktober (2/2)

[alexc-d23]

[alexc-d23]

Ahhh man, I wish I still had my account from like 2014. It was the perfect mix of everything: depression, horniness, anxiety, cute art, nudity, cats and dogs, fanfiction, book quotes, anime news (😭) and so much more…

But, it’s the perfect way to start anew

[alexc-d23]

[alexc-d23]

book quotes that i will never recover from

"he is half of my soul, as the poets say. " - song of achilles

"write me a letter telling me how to live the rest of my life without you." - how to make friends with the dark

"they were my birthday presents." - shatter me

"she had realized that she had forgotten the precise blue of his eyes and the depth of his laugh." - clockwork princess

"my name is sam cortland... and i will not be afraid." - assassin's blade

"you chose me four years ago. would you choose me still?" - these violent delights

"we were all supposed to make it." - crooked kingdom

"i remember everything." - the invisible life of addie larue

"come home and shout at me. come home and fight with me. come home and break my heart, if you must. just come home." - cruel prince

"i wasted all those yesterdays and am completely out of tomorrows." - they both die at the end

"you hated the idea of me." - the final gambit

"bob says hello." - house of hades

"abuse can feel like love. starving people will eat anything." - nightfall

"i missed you only with an ocean between us. but if death was separating us... i would find you." - queen of shadows

"i loved him. i love him. as best i could." - we were liars

"i'm the villain, even in my own story. but you were supposed to play a different role." - finale

"i will find you again in the next world—the next life. and we will have that time. i promise." - a court of wings and ruin

"i spent half of my time loving her and the other half hiding how much i loved her." - the seven husbands of evelyn hugo