aliciamaynardsworld2

[aliciamaynardsworld2]

I don't have a morning routine. I wake up on straight survival mode.

[aliciamaynardsworld2]

there's not a single nonchalant bone in my body. I care so much I could literally vomit.

[aliciamaynardsworld2]

nothing ever feels like progress, i don't see the point in living another day

[aliciamaynardsworld2]

Im so tired, but so reluctant to sleep because I don't want to wake up tomorrow.

So universe, this is my sign to you : kill me tonight

[aliciamaynardsworld2]

Same but sometimes I do it to make me prove how bad it hurt me

You know? Like to make me realise that maybe I'm not faking it?

Because it all seems so......... overdramatic and bratty of me

Nobody cares until something dramatic happens. It could be an attempt, a hospital stay, a public meltdown. It always takes theatrics to get them to listen. Because if I don't prove how bad it is, they'll just keep assuming I'm faking it.

[aliciamaynardsworld2]

There's nothing about me that's worth getting to know because my life only revolves around harmful coping mechanism and suicidal thoughts. I'm afraid there's nothing more beyond that considering I no longer have hobbies or social life.

This sickness has consumed every aspect of my life and I don't know how to make it stop.

[aliciamaynardsworld2]

12.22

Another sign to keep going and do what I've been doing.

Uhhhhh, fuxking things up real bad?

Ok uni, gotcha

[aliciamaynardsworld2]

I wish I could feel safe in my own home.

[aliciamaynardsworld2]

I should've died a long time ago.

Eveybreath feels like an overdue. A borrow. A sin.

Something that's not rightfully mine.

My life is not rightfully mine.

[aliciamaynardsworld2]

Saw 12.12 again.

Universe only sends me signs.

Tells me I'm on the right path and the path turns out to be hurting myself every month.

Okay uni, cool. Gotcha.

[aliciamaynardsworld2]

If I pay you to kill me.....

Is it still suicide?

[aliciamaynardsworld2]

Kill me. I'll pay you

[aliciamaynardsworld2]

I feel so dizzy even while sitting.

I think I should prolly mention how I was about to kms just rn so maybe that's why. Idk

[aliciamaynardsworld2]

I'm so overdramatic

But like, am I?

I hurt myself in silence, I starve myself in silence, I pick up a blade in silence.

Writing about it here feels overdramatic.

Saying it out loud and confronting it feels overdramatic.

[aliciamaynardsworld2]

I'm sick in the mind

[aliciamaynardsworld2]

I am an attention whore

[aliciamaynardsworld2]

I've disappointed too much