alisunshine-blog

[alisunshine-blog]

A girl I barely knew died recently. She had cancer. She was my same age. She died less than a year after she was diagnosed. I used to work with her. 

My classmate’s brother took his own life recently. He was 20 years old. I’d never met him and I’m not particularly close with this classmate.

The loss of these two young souls does not change my daily life in the slightest. But feeling the ripple effect of these two deaths in such a short period of time has been a strange experience. 

I have been emotional. And yet I don’t really have anything to grieve. I have felt the reality of early mortality, of lives taken too soon, of futures that will never be. And it has shaken me. 

I don’t know how to best articulate this strange in between feeling. This feeling of tragedy looming in the air being reconciled with the understanding that I personally have lost nothing. 

It is strange. And I am feeling it. 

.  .  .

UPDATE: 

It’s powerlessness.

That’s the strange feeling. 

Powerless to save those who have been lost, powerless to heal those who are grieving and powerless to control the darkness that seems to be around many corners lately.

[alisunshine-blog]

Remember when you were a skinny kid with braces in a TWLOHA tank top? Remember how I liked you before you were a real somebody?

[alisunshine-blog]

#MeToo. #YouToo?

You probably never think about that night. 

Probably never get that dreaded feeling in your gut. Because it doesn’t bother you. Or you don’t remember. 

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Maybe you tell yourself that you were drunk too. And it wasn’t all your fault. 

But do you ever get that dreaded feeling in your gut? Does it bother you? Do you remember?

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Its possible that you’ve convinced yourself it wasn’t a big deal. That we were teens, and surely I’ve moved on from it. 

But too often I get that dreaded feeling in my gut. And it bothers me. Because I remember. 

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If I ever brought it up again, people would question my story, my timing, my motivations. 

They would dig up all of the mistakes I’ve made and use them as daggers to stab holes in my credibility.  

They would turn your military service into a suit of armor, to shield you from such “ridiculous” accusations. 

They would call my memory into question and talk about all the years gone by. 

They would make a fool of me and lament the slander of your reputation. 

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So I guess I’ll just pretend that I don’t live with that dreaded feeling in my gut, and that it doesn’t bother me, and I’ll try not to remember. 

[alisunshine-blog]

Study. Study. Never stop.

Don’t slip up. DO NOT FAIL.

You must do better. You must be better.

Be smarter. Be stronger.

Don’t slip up. DO NOT FAIL.

You must work harder. You must move forward.

Be pretty. Be funny. Make money.

Don’t slip up. DO NOT FAIL.

You must fend for yourself. You must stand on your own.

Be confident. Be humble.

Don’t slip up. DO NOT FAIL.

You must be the best. You must not disappoint.

Study. Study. Never stop. 

[alisunshine-blog]

You can only feel it once.

There is a feeling that can only be felt once..because once you’ve felt it, the part of you that feels it is gone for good. Its a feeling that collapses your knees and pulls the air out of your lungs. And you lay on the floor. And your eyes water. Not in an involuntary way but not quite in a crying way either. Maybe because you’re balancing on the line between sanity and shock. And the wind is blowing really hard so you keep swaying back and forth. From one side of the line to the other and back again.

Then after a while everything gets quiet even if its noisy around you. Your eyes stop watering and your hands get sweaty. The air comes back to your lungs but it stings a little. Almost like when its really, really cold outside and every inhalation feels like its freezing your insides.

Your knees are the last to recover. That part takes a while. But once you’re up and your knees can hold your weight, thats when that part of you is gone for good. And you know you’ll never feel that feeling again. The whole ordeal leaves a tiny void, but you’ll fill that with asphalt and booze pretty quickly. And before you know it, you’re different. Not in a dramatic or even a noticeable way. Maybe even your best friends can tell. But you’re a little harder. You’re tougher, in a way, than you were before. You can take more hits and wear more smiles. You can’t quite stand as straight as you used to, but you think its a good thing because you know that its done. You’re no longer susceptible to that collapse.

Its a kind of relief, once its over. And even though it hurt like hell, you’ll soon forget all that. It will seem almost surreal. Almost like you read about it in a well written book. You’ll know that it was you who was there, but it will seem like someone else’s story. And as the years go on that someone else will fade. Like a friend that drifts away, that part of you will grow further and further from who you are. 

And all you’ll have is the ashes of that day.

[alisunshine-blog]

Curls on curls 🌀👭💜 #tbt #90skid #cousinlove

[alisunshine-blog]

#SAS lives on. 🚢🌏💜 #BringBackTheMV #SP13 #fbf

[alisunshine-blog]

A long overdue reunion 😍💜 #itsbeentwoyears #longtermlove

[alisunshine-blog]

Hello, 2016! ✨❄️🍾✨#HappyNewYear

[alisunshine-blog]

Birthdays are better with good friends and good beer. 🍻🙌🏽 #RoadDogs #BeerTasting #HappyBirthdayDaniel

[alisunshine-blog]

Birthday magic at #SnowflakeLane 💙❄️✨

[alisunshine-blog]

🎄✨ #merryandbright

[alisunshine-blog]

One year + one day. #mypolarbear #photobomb #godawgs 💜

[alisunshine-blog]

Celebrating another #AppleCup victory last night. 👐🏽💜💛🍎🏆#GoDawgs #UW #HuskyNation

[alisunshine-blog]

Missing the days when my heart was on fire and adventure was around every corner. #travelhangover2015 #takemeback #wheretonext

[alisunshine-blog]

I am deeply thankful for each of you. ☺️💜

[alisunshine-blog]

Crypt and tree merge in an old cemetery in Kalaupapa National Park in Hawaii.