alitheonlyone

[alitheonlyone]

I feel dejected. Dubbing is really not my thing and I don't know why I would applied that advanced course. And I wanna quit now because the tutor literally said that my performance was poor and the least attractive in the class.

I was devastated inside when I heard that but I still gotta act like I was okay, but actually I didn't know what to do to improve my performance at all. But I nodded anyway. It's a catastrophe. I felt like I was dead inside.

I was upset, like really really upset. Because I thought I finally found something that I am really good at. It's a huge disappointment for me. And I am struggling if I should continue to partake in this class. To be honest, my confidence was shredded. I don't even know if I was mistreated or I was just that bad in dubbing.

Should I just quit and stop wasting time on this or hold on for a bit longer? If I quit, my guilt of being a quitter might consumes me in some ways. If I stick with it for a bit longer, I might have to spend more time to cope with the trauma.

I don't know if I should keep looking for what I wanna do or what I am good at. Sometimes, I think I just need to go along with the flow and the things I might good at or want to do might come along. Actively seeking out make me feel so tired and disappointed, but sitting and waiting for it to come is more like lying flat which is not a bad thing. Somehow, I feel like if I stop looking for it I might miss the opportunity to find it.

It's fucking contradictory.

[alitheonlyone]

I'm so tired. Sometimes I just wanna pass the fuck out and melt to the ground. Never wake up and just let me merge with dirt. I don't care.

[alitheonlyone]

Arrival

Wanted to watch this movie long time ago, high score in both IMDB and Rotten tomatoes. So on the last Saturday, I rent it on iTunes, then closed the curtains and put on my XM5, readied to enjoy this masterpiece.

It's excellent, brilliant, stunning, impeccable, and nearly flawless.

NEARLY... the scene that Amy Adams speaking mandarin to stop the attack really turned me off. I understand that she'd been doing her best during the scene and mandarin is a complicated language, so... I don’t blame her. I really appreciated her trying.

Other than that, the story was marvelous and heart-wrenching. Every lines in it are worth thinking and might put you into a deep thought. Even now, I'm still mulling over the scene that when Amy found out everything. It did made me think a lot about time and meanings.

The author said he wanted to create a story with an ending that nothing is going back to the way it was. It hits me. Just like the reality, every decision you made, every little steps you took, it really changed everything. Nothing will ever be the same.

In the movie, Amy knew that her future daughter is destined to die in early age and her husband is going to leave her because Amy will tell him the death of their daughter. Along with learning the language the aliens taught her, she found out that the scattered pieces of memories are the future. and to save the world she have to choose, either let the world being destroyed by the hand of humans and staying emotionally intact by avoiding the death of the daughter and divorce, or save the world and go through all these traumatic incidents.

She loves her daughter even she's not born yet. She loves her enough to willingly suffer from the pain of losing her. Every time Amy got a hint of deciphering the language was triggered by the memories of her daughter. The power of love overcome everything. It's sorrowful and real.

When you see your whole life, would you still be the same person you are?

Story of your life - Ted Chiang

[alitheonlyone]

Gf's grandma passed away this morning, and I felt bad that I can't be with her because she got too many relatives there, and it's not convenient if I show up. Maybe she needs my comfort, but it seems inappropriate for me to be there. I'm just a nobody there. I'm not belittled myself in her, it's just everything seems off when I am a woman instead of a man.

If I am a boyfriend, the title will legitimate me to go to the hospital with her and hold her for her comfort. But I am a girlfriend, somehow even I am her wife I don't think it legitimates me to be there.

I know it's not quite important at the moment compared with the death of her grandma. I just felt so powerless and how vulnerable we are. The society makes us prioritise our "title appropriation" over what's the best for our feelings.

[alitheonlyone]

TAISSA & VAN (FEAT. NATALIE) YELLOWJACKETS 1.02 | 1.04 | 1.05 | 2.03

[alitheonlyone]

It’s not worth it if it’s hurting you. Yellowjackets (2021— ) S02E01: Friends, Romans, Countrymen

[alitheonlyone]

You too? It’s mostly just Lotties woo-woo bullshit, listening to the trees. 

[alitheonlyone]

Adora told Camille, said "I never loved you ".

What catastrophic damage would caused when your own mother told you that she never loved you?

Somehow I feel empathetic about this. I don't know if that's the exact same thing but I feel afflicted by this scene.

[alitheonlyone]

Every time I feel worn out by things like ppl or work, I love to sit in my cats' mat like I'm just one of them. It's relieving like nothing else to worry. Just eat and poop and sleep.

[alitheonlyone]

Sometimes life just leaves you speechless. Especially when you didn't get enough sleep last night.

I had a early shift this morning, and went to toilet before starting my shift trying to get some alone times and preparing myself from breakdown while I'm working.

Upon entering the toilet, the smell was not pleasant but I could tolerate that for my alone time. But I went through every toilet stalls, each of the toilet seats covered with SHIT... I was like what the FUCK? Didn't your parents taught you how to shit?

Ewwwww.....

And so my time for being alone was gone and without caffeine I walked like a zombie this morning.

What a day.

[alitheonlyone]

Sitting in Pacific Coffee typing whatever appeared in my mind. From time to time I thought I could finally figured out what I want to do, turned out it’s just three-minute passion. I struggled with this question almost 12 years. 

And here I am. Almost 31 and still living like a fucking teenager who just turned 18. Is it normal? Or Is this the new normal in this century? Or is it just ME?

I’m about to go crazy.

[alitheonlyone]

How to escape from shithole when your only friend there was gone?

He’s not dead, just got transferred to other place. And I’m just oblivious enough not knowing he is not there anymore...

I feel a bit guilt and shame about how terrible I am as a friend. I can’t remember their birthdays, I’ve never given them any gifts, I dun even sent my consolation when they’re injured by god knows what (and I dun even know why). But somehow, they love me, they stayed when I am just an asshole.

Maybe, I am just so lucky.

[alitheonlyone]

Almost fell in love with this shithole...

[alitheonlyone]

WARRIOR NUN Corinthians 10:20-21

[alitheonlyone]

The times Ava wanted to kiss Beatrice

and the one time she did

[alitheonlyone]

This week I was living like a walking dead. Things kept running around in my head, not likely to settle. Planning to live in other country makes me feel even lost than ever.

Since I got no practical skills to do for living, this tedious job seems the whole reason why I stayed. Or is it just an excuse?

With some problems with girlfriend, everything seems off. Spending 4 years together, we still can't figure out how to satisfy each other. Those problems appeared in all of my relationships, is it my problem, or everyone's?

[alitheonlyone]

Sometimes I feel like I'm floating in the sea and I can't control the direction. People said I should go that way, and I go that way. I'm invisible. Sometimes I can't remember anything like my mind is just a blank entry in a book. I'm scared of disappearing and I can feel that I'm fading. My whole body and all of my thoughts are erasing by time.

I'd rather stop to exist in the world than follow anything. I can't find the path of mine. Thought there'd be something waiting for me to change, turned out, I'm the one who didn't have the mind to change. And I keep floating, forgetting and following.