alittlebitmorethan

[alittlebitmorethan]

as my trip comes to a close i slowly feel a creeping anxiety, though i had no plans to see through and though i had no goals to achieve.

낮설고 애뜻한 여기서 i've done what l could, always just what i could. how much else would i be able to ask of myself and of others? just as much as i can.

i feel the physical difference between the spaces i occupied and my presence in them. 원래부터 이리 작았엇나, 원래부터 이리 멀었엇나...

여행이라고 하기엔 너무 숙제같았�� 몇주였다.

soon i will be returning to mine and only mine. i have a lot to think over...

[alittlebitmorethan]

one thing i have never understood about this place is that we are all the same - we are all people, with the same genetics - how is there a difference in between these people re: class, caste, or otherwise??

the differentiation that people seem to seek out is superfluous and in the end, amounting to no different an end. why then is it sought so fervently?

an emphasis in being better, doing better than my peers. wanting or needing??

[alittlebitmorethan]

나의 옛 제자가 졸업을하고 직장인이되고 커리어를 쌓고 그 와중에도 나를 찾아주고 나를 생각해줬다는게 너무나도 감동적이다.

as a poli sci student, i wanted so much to send her to Queens, but i am glad she took the route she did. 외로움 많이 타는 아이라 걱정을 많이했었다.

아쉬운 점이있다면 she says now that she's forgotten a lot of of her english. all of the work i put in ㅠㅜ...

[alittlebitmorethan]

had i ever known peace?

[alittlebitmorethan]

지금의 당신을 알고 싶다는 생각이 가끔 들어.

그래도 안되는건 안되는거니까.

그리움은 projection의 하나의 facet이래, face-value로 믿으면 안되는거래.

this is what i'd rather tell myself than face you to tell the truth.

[alittlebitmorethan]

내 생각이 맞는것 같다.

[alittlebitmorethan]

moving requires fear. people don't move effectively without being afraid: fear of being late, fear of being unimportant, fear of missed opportunity, etc, etc.

moving requires fear, but i move in spite of fear, to spite fear, to extinguish fear. funnier still, i move so i can fear.

fear of change. fear of disappointment, of failure. fear of growth.

all so disquieting and paralysing.

하지만, 두려움도 반갑게 맞이하여

so that i can live and live a bigger world than before;

love is grief in the same way that growth is fear.

[alittlebitmorethan]

오늘밤은 제발 꿈 없이 자게 해주세요

그가 또 오면요

그가 오지 않으면요

[alittlebitmorethan]

왜, 또??

[alittlebitmorethan]

애니웨이 전 이러고 지낸답니다

[alittlebitmorethan]

오늘밤은 제발 꿈 없이 자게 해주세요

그가 또 오면요

그가 오지 않으면요

[alittlebitmorethan]

곧 가서일까?

그래서 꿈을 꿨나?

짜증나

보고싶어서

짜증나

[alittlebitmorethan]

그 사람 꿈을 꿨다.

생각지도 못한 순간들에 껴있는 사람이다.

어느 식당에 밥을 먹으러 갔는데 그 사람과 그 사람의 가족분들이 있다.

그의 부친은 이렇게 우현이 보다니 인사를 안할순없다 한다. 나와 나의 가족과 나누는 인사가 거짓인걸 알고 있으나, 난 상관이 없다. 그가 내 앞에 있다.

인사를 하면서 그와 눈을 맞춘다. 난 언제가 되서 그 사람의 얼굴이 잊혀질까... 잊고 싶기는 하나...

밖에 나가서 무엇을 사러 간다고 한다. 느낌상 같이 가자는 뜻으로 들린다. 같이 가도되냐고 묻자, 몸으로 따라오라는 신호를 준 듯하다. 그래서 같이 나갔다.

지하에 있는 식당이다. 식당 밖에는 벤치들이 여럿 있고 그 중 하나에 나란히 앉았다. 이제서야 인사를 나눈다. 잘 지냈냐는, 뭐하고 지냈냐는.

(내 옆에 앉았던 그의 온기가 아직 느껴진다. 꿈에서 느꼈던 온기를 깨어있는 지금에서도 느껴질수가 있는건가?)

별 얘기 아닌 얘기를 하다가 내가 그의 얼굴이 보고싶어 고개를 돌리자 그 사람은 나에게서 멀리한다. 이해가 안되 당황했다. 그래서 벌떡 일어나 언성을 높이며 말했다, 나랑 같이 있기 싫으면 왜 같이 나와도 된다는 듯 행동 했냐며. 당황했다고 한다. 이해가 안된다 진짜. 그래서 나도 당황했다 답했다, 그사람이 갑자기 멀리해서. 순간 둘 다 아무 말도 안한다.

(서운해, 보고싶어, 보고싶었어, 가지 말아줘, 이 거리가 싫어, 온갖생각들이 떠오른게 기억난다.)

머뭇거리다 그가 다가오면서 '우리.. 술 마실까?' 라고 묻는다. 그가 노력해 주는게 보인다. 내 기억에 남은 그래서 꿈에서도 그의 못습은 늘 다정하다.

긴장 반, 설레임 반에서 나온 나의 '맥주...? 소주?'

그러다 꿈이 바뀐다. 둘이 아닌 셋이서 앉아 술을 마시고 있다. 그는 자기가 좀 뛰어난 잘생김이라 많이 힘들다고 하자 나는 웃는다. 나도, 라고 답했다. 장난 칠 정도로 편해 지겠끔 술이 우릴 도왔다.

내 옆에있는 태오는 웃으며 묻는다, '나는?'

'너는 그냥 있는거고', 라고 답하자 인상이 찌푸르지며,

태오는 '누나는 내가 그렇게 밖에 안보여?' 라고 한다.

내 앞에 앉은 그는 아무 말이 없이 나를 쳐다본다. 표정이 읽어지지 않았다.

then, 깼다.

첫사랑이라 하기엔, 첫사랑이 아니라 하기엔

내 실수로 멀어진

그래서 지금에 그를 알지 못하는

i think of him rarely, and dream of him even less, but he comes. he comes like a tidal wave, leaving me thoughtless and winded. i can't put him away again until i've made him out to be rude, uncaring, selfish - a person he is most likely not, but then again, how would i know if i no longer have no way to contact him? 내 실수로..

i've known him my whole life. 태어난 순간부터 실수의 날 까지 알고 지낸 사람이다. not all the time, and not often, but enough. enough to say i thought of him often, missed him often, felt grateful often.

then i became angry with the world, with myself, with him. and i said words i regret, and cut all contact. i'm sure he doesn't even care.

미안하다는 말을 하고 싶으나 어디서 뭘하고 있는지도 모르겠다. 가수가 됬을려나... 그가 꼭 이루고자 하는것들을 다 이루기를...

미안해, 보고싶어. 건강해야해.

[alittlebitmorethan]

6월9일

집에 간다

[alittlebitmorethan]

i feel uncommonly rude sometimes, aggravated to a point of archaic delight.

it's funny to me that some words should bother people when they don't mean a thing to me, and absolutely staggering that most words could hurt all of us but no one using those words cares enough to hold them in.

it's an odd disparity, oxymoronic even, but what time can do to you...

i can't sleep. i can't fall asleep. i can't close my eyes and drift. no one teaches you how, they just tell you to try.

same thing with words. when you can't pull back, no one ever teaches how, they just tell you to try, or be. that's the funny one. be nice, they say. but how can you be when you've never learnt how?

[alittlebitmorethan]

옛정

i think back to the childhood i may have had, often times it is in observation of the youth i see around me at such and such place.

어릴때 어린이 처럼 살지 못해서,

어리지못해서,

though i do not regret the person i became as a result of not having been treated as, not having had the chance to. i am very fond of who i am and who i had to be in order to become 지금의 나.

it is just a shame that i will never know who i could have been had i been given the chance to be childlike, had i been given the kind of love i needed when i was in need of it. it is just a shame that i missed out on the experiences i so often hear my peers speak of.

i think also that these reflections may be a result of my blooming adulthood, the age that i am at, the acknowledgement that i am no longer a child, no longer someone's child, "old enough" to have my own child.

should i be grieving for something i never had? because i had never had? should i be mourning the loss of my youth? maybe that is more accurate, to mourn the loss of younger days, to mourn the could-have-beens. 섭섭한 mourning이나 슬프지는 않다.

the fear of what-will-be keeps me going.

[alittlebitmorethan]

i've been reading Zorba the Greek.

it's not a book i would have picked up without having had it introduced by an internet personality i sympathise with.

그게 맞지 않을까.. "sympathise" with.

it's a difficult read, there are instances where i want to give it up, so many pages filled with a voraciousness i haven't yet encountered in my own peers. a type that i wonder is even accurate to life - but art is not always an observation of life, is it?

[can fiction ever only just fiction]

그래서 읽고있긴 한데..

where is it leading me towards? is it my own observation on life or a means of my own efforts to escape the circumstances i currently am beheld by? - beheld by, beholden to, or have self-afflicted?

thinking of what may beckon me forth?

it's an interesting book, i'll be fair, but not for me i don't think. i don't feel moved by anything it is showing me, not the women, not the food, not the strangeness of Zorba, nor by any perspective given by the narrator.

but i will finish it. maybe the latter half will have more to offer than the first half.