alivebutitsmaj

[alivebutitsmaj]

2nd of september-the dorms

So I go to this weird school in the capital of my country and have to live in a dorm. It's weird. I'm getting a new roommate (hopefully better than the last one, who was homophobic and a bit diet racist). I'm nervous. I started writing down my thoughts and it actually feels a lot better.

One important thing: yesterday I was asking myself if I was in fact just a radical feminist proving to myself that anything a man can do, I can do better and came to a conclusion. Yes, I was in fact like that at a certain point in my life, but the reason behind it cannot possibly be just because I was a tomboy and mad. Why would I have an opinion like that if I had different preferences? No reason. No fucking reason. The truth is, I probably felt like everyone feels like me. I thought girls actually were forced into liking dolls. So I became an "advocate for feminism" at the age of 4. But i was just a confused af boy. I think.

[alivebutitsmaj]

14th of August-i hate myself

So here’s the thing: It finally hit me that my life is going to be shit. I will never have a happy life, not one that i long for. I AM ashamed of the fact that I want to be a man. I am ashamed of everything. I am not enough for the people in my life, and don’t deserve the people that are proud of themselves. I don’t deserve love if I can’t love myself. I want a binder, but it feels like I’ll never get it. I want a different life, but I won’t reach it. I am too afraid to cone out to the people that would probably accept me. I am a coward. I do not deserve another life.

[alivebutitsmaj]

28th of july-update:questioning, but still dysphoric

We parted from Antibes around 4.5hours ago. The last few days have actually left me at an unease: I’ve met a genderfluid person, which was one weird thing to say the least, even though they were nice. I also saw another probably trans dude but cannot be sure about that, and got a lot of people thinking I was a guy/lesbian. Weird to say the least. I guess not-crop-tops are considered boy clothes.

I don’t know how I feel about all of it. The dysphoria thing. It might have been a phaze and is fading slowly away, because I feel more comfortable. I am confused. But you knew that already.

Update: dysphoria is still here and kickin’

[alivebutitsmaj]

24th of july

There’s two slovenians in camp my age (1year older actually). Both look amazing and I cannot help my disphoria in any way. It’s shitty. I can’t even talk to most people. Not that i wish to, but ya know, it would be nice. So yeah: tight fitting clothes, strangers, and french. Yay.

[alivebutitsmaj]

21st of july-the things

A lot has happened since the last time I posted...or not?

I started messaging the gender experts in my country and talking about getting therapy. I can’t wait. I will finally be able to know for sure. Agh.

Yesterday I cut my hair off. Innicially I was planning on cutting it differently, but I’m happy with the result. I actually look like a boy...with boobs...and girl shorts...BUT A BOY NONETHELESS

Today, I got misgendered, but in the right way. As in, the cleaning lady at my old school, asked my mom how i am doing, but said “HE”. My mom, of of course, corrected her faster then I could enjoy it, but I guess that means I, Maj, the closetted socially anxious tranny, PASS.

Also my grandperents continue to ask me questions about my feelings about my hair in a fem way and I was forced to slave my leg hair and that makes me UnCoMfOrTaBlE. But it’s cool. I gets it.

[alivebutitsmaj]

7 july- the vlog

I cried while watching a vlog because i wanted to be one of the guys in it

[alivebutitsmaj]

25.june - the bedroom

I’m currently in a preperation for debate. We’re located around 2hrs away from my house, so I’m staying in a hotel. With two girls. Which has never bothered me before, and it still doesn’t, but it’s gotten me to this strange feeling of not belonging. Also, we we’re playing “who’s most likely to” and there was a question “to change their gender”. There only 2 ppl playing, so i felt comfortable enough and raised my hand. The other guy playing asked me if I would really and i just said: probably on a higher chance than you and that my friends is why I will forever stay closetted.

[alivebutitsmaj]

19.6.-top disphoria

Today marks the first day of me experiencing top disphoria and being aware of it. I don’t pay much attention to my chest, so I don’t really mind it being there (it helps that my clothing is mostly masculine and loose), and I’ve started questioning my gender only 6 months ago (even though I am now quite darn sure about my transness). Today, I went to the beach. And it felt awful. It always did to a certain degree, but today I knew where the awfulness was coming from. Knowing something is wrong apparently makes things worse.