alivebutnotlive

[alivebutnotlive]

List Overthinking Akhir2 ini:

Pindah tempat duduk dan pindah ruangan kerja karena ada mutasi masif dan gw jadi last person di ruang itu, jadi ruang itu mau dipake kegiatan lain (yg sebenernya menurut gw ga berfaedah). Kenapa overthinking? Karena orang2 di ruangan baru orang yang gw ga terlalu deket dan 2 faced, jadi takut salah ucap dan terjebak dalam drama dan politik kantor yang ga perlu;

Laundry Gw sebanyak 2 tas ga ada kabar. Padahal di drop nya dari minggu lalu alias udah seminggu nih. Yg dikasih baru seuprit. Katanya ke gabung sama bon lain tapi bukaaan dan ga dibales lagi. Worst case ya hilang tuh semua baju gw;

Isu merger lanjutan. Jadi, unit kerja gw baru aja merger yang disertai banyak bgt drama dan politik kantor yg ga perlu. Hasil dari mergernya adalah welfare yang menurun drastis (ditandai dengan anggaran yg turun hampir setengahnya dan mutasi karyawan masif), nilai yang anjlok, dan kerjaan yang meningkat drastis. Merger yg rasanya buruk banget buat gw pribadi ini nampaknya baru awal jadi merger lanjutan yang akan lebih dahsyat dimana seluruh unit kerja dimerger jadi satu. Kekhawatiran gw akan welfare secara budget unit kerja yg menurun pasti jadi concern. But, my main concern adalah dihapuskannya posisi job desk gw dan dikhawatirkan akan menurunkan pay grade gw ☹️;

Tagihan apartemen. Jujur ternyata tagihannya lebih besar dari yg gw perkirakan. IPL, air, listrik, dan gas hampir semuanya lebih dari perhitungan 😩. Cuma bisa doa semoga ada rezeki buat bayarnya. Lubang kecil buat masukin kabel internet jg bikin overthinking, takut dimasalahin sama yang punya unit;

Kesehatan kulit akhir2 ini makin memburuk. Jerawat di wajah dan di beberapa bagian tubuh kaya ga sembuh2 dan ada yang baru. Hipotesis gw kayanya karena makanan yg gw konsumsi nutrisinya kurang balance. Kurang serat banget dan terlalu banyak karbo dan ultra processed food (nugget dll) untuk press biaya makan.

Mungkin itu dulu kali ya. Kalau ada kepikiran, nanti gw update dan tambah di list ini. Kalau isunya selesai (semoga) gw update juga disini.

Pesanggrahan, 21/01/2024 00:10.

[alivebutnotlive]

[alivebutnotlive]

My 28th New Year Eve

Last night was New Year's Eve. People were going out with their loved ones of course, doing things that were exciting and watching some spectacular entertainment such as concerts, fireworks, and drone displays. On the other hand, I spent it by doing my financial planning sheet. My job paid me well if I were a single man with no dependents. Unfortunately I have 6, so it's hardly cover.

I had an awful week. I took my paid leaves but I can't afford to spend it doing things I have been wanting. The triggering factor was my younger brother that was accepted to some college which is going to start soon. Despite the fact that he was able to obtain a scholarship, it doesn't cover all of the cost including accommodation and the living cost. So, my other brother casually text me that my brother need to get some form of shelter and ask to stay at my flat if possible (which is not). Again, I am the one bearing the brunt.

I was panic. The starting date was so soon but it isn't easy to get decent but affordable accommodation here in Jakarta. So in no time I'm scrambling looking for any helpful information through any means I can use. I used Facebook groups, websites, even contacting friends. I was exhausted doing it from morning till night. I feel betrayed. I am certainly the one that is going to bear the cost but I also have to do this. It's suffocating. I feel like my family and I don't see eye to eye. They always ask me for help (but don't even say thanks or anything) but I can't rely on them. It feels like my whole life is about them. I was mentally exhausted and broke down in tears. I text my close friend that If I could go back in time l, I would tell my parents to stop bringing children to this world if they're unable to care for them because I can't and I'm so tired.

I want to have a life that I want, and for me.

I've been spending my life caring for my brothers and sisters since I can remember.

To be honest, if anyone asks what my dream is, I don't have one.

To be a physician was my dream during elementary school. I want to be a physician so that I can cure my mother because my father was unable to afford her medical care. My father told me that. It wasn't my dream.

I don't have personal ambition. My whole life has been caring for my family.

It has been a while that I'm hoping God would take me if my life continues to be like this or perhaps worse.

Tomorrow (January 2nd 2024) I have a plan to meet the flat owner to discuss the possibility of renting her flat.

Let's see if I'm still alive tomorrow.

Bye 👋

Video belong to Alam on Tiktok.