all-the-message-you-never-sent

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he asked to hold my hand but I fumbled it bc of auditory processing disorder T-T

damn. I am just thinking about him though

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damn. I am just thinking about him though

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Me: damn I have such high standards

Also me: what you have is trust issues

Me: I mean, yeah, my standards for who I trust are high of course

Shaking myself by the shoulders: it’s called

TRUST ISSUES

Me: yeah, high standards

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Hey what’s the deal with being terrified of people perceiving me?

No Sharon, I don’t care what people think of me. I have zero trouble wearing whatever the fuck I want, expressing opinions that I know people will disagree with, etc., etc. So why the fuck is it somehow terrifying if a mild acquaintance knows that I like this kind of food. Or for a family member to know what I watch on tv? No, what I watch isn’t ‘weird’ or something I’m in any way ashamed. But them having the knowledge? Of something I like? Terrifying.

You can’t be there if I want to do anything. Not things I like, or even chores. Don’t watch me clean. Don’t watch me read. Don’t watch me cook or bake. Don’t watch me talk to another human. Don’t hear me sing. Don’t watch me smile. Don’t watch me dance or be happy. Don’t watch me. If anyone sees it, it’s terrifying and awful.

Unless it’s strangers. And on a good day. And in a place I’ll never return to.

What is this feeling? How do I combat it?

How to stop caring what others think the articles stare up at me, they’re the answer, they’re sure. I know they aren’t helpful. I can’t find any real information.

I’m confused, I’m tired, and I’m fucking sick of this shit.

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I’m really fucking tired of constantly feeling like something he wrong with me and not being able to do normal people stuff

I go on a bike ride with family they feel fine

I did feel fine. Now I’m home and every thing feels like shit I don’t feel connected to my body my head’s fuzzy and everything vaguely hurts. Im dizzy my head is filled spiky cotten candy and all of my thoughts are sluggish and kind of hurt to think.

I can sleep so I stretch. I worry with each stretch. What if I’m just making my joint problems worse?

I’m tired of feeling weak. I try to hold a plank for a minute. I could the other night. I can only manage thirty seconds.

I try a push up in vain. It feels so wrong I go to YouTube for reference. A nice man shows me the progressions, I do wall push ups. They feel like progress. My elbow keeps popping and clicking. My concerning with each motion. The discomfort grows. I stop and resign myself to try and sleep.

I felt fine. I can do those. I can make progress but I really don’t want to cause a problem so I’ll research it first.

My form was good. I was fine. The internet isn’t helping (when does it ever?) the only thing that makes any sense would be weak biceps and triceps but wait a minute, why the fuck would that not present bilaterally? It’s only one fucking elbow.

I find no answers other than adjust your form. Laying in bed I just push my arm up. The elbow clicks. It feels weird. I experiment range of motion. Everything that would make sense for a push up hurts.

I keep going in vain hoping it might go anyway. It doesn’t. Now my elbow hurts. Now I’m crying. Now I’m typing this.

Why can’t I fucking do anything? Why won’t my body let do goddamn anything? I’m so so tired of this shit.

I want to be strong. I want to be sure of myself. I want to go in hikes and runs and bike and backpack. What if it keeps getting worse? What if the strength from my youth keeps wearing away and I keep getting worse? Why do all of fucking joints riot at everything I do? Why is the only thing I can do is sit around and watch myself deteriorate being terrified that anything I do can cause so much pain and trigger a flare up? Why do I have constantly worry about damaging everything and making it all worse? Can I even get better or am I just stuck? And fucking god what the fuck is even wrong?

How do I fucking live with this? What even is this? What’s fucking wrong? What do I have and why does no have answers? I’m still a goddamn kid. What if it just keeps getting worse? What I never get an answer? How to do keep going? God I hope this passes. I don’t think the pain and whatever it is I have will but this state of mind needs to move on. It hits so hard and so suddenly but I can’t live long if it lingers. Not in any sort of peace at least. Fuck.

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Man friendship break ups are the fucking worst

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middle school me: when I finally get to high school I can write something set in high school, I have so many fic ideas

high school me: fuck... I'm still an introvert who doesn't pay a single fuck of attention to anyone... I have no idea how normal high schoolers act/talk

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> looks for game smoothing to ocd

> finds good game

> game is fun and feels nice

> accidentally spends hours playing said game

> realizes it, is incredibly stressed and guilty

> it is passed going-to-bed-time and the time at which we should actually be asleep

> this game has now replaced the time of nightly before bed rituals/activities

> those need to be done in order to sleep, so not only should we have been asleep an hour ago, we won’t get to sleep for at least another hour

> added stress and guilt is filling us with excess nervous energy that will make it even harder to sleep

> and lastly, scrEAMS

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it’s really really weird being a system with most of being ace (it’s pretty much our default) and having one horny alt and one who likes spicy ffn

most of us don’t mind, but there’s a few who are upset by certain stuff, and the one who likes to read is very considerate but the other mfer is not, they have zero chill and it’s driving us insane

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Why am I so depressed????

Oh. Right. The years long friendship that just ended. The one that was the center of our life for most of those years. The one person that made you happy.

Turns out they were using us. Not on purpose of course. But accidentally. With out realizing it. And so damn genuinely. But hurting us none the less.

Just like the last one, but this one so so much worse. Maybe that’s why.

I’m off to go read about the 1918 influenza pandemic I guess, a wonderful I’m reading. Still very depressed unfortunately.

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Y’all the US has a straight up police state during WWI. There’s so many past laws and acts that were passed, there’s Supreme Court precedent for so many terrifying things.

This scares the shit out of me. Normally I find it interesting to learn, I think it’s terrible, but it’s not applicable to much right?

But no, there’s history of certain US government officials who devoted whole departments to find old laws and the such that justify whatever they wanted to do at any given point.

I’ve grown up since the first Trump presidency, I have a terrible memory, so I actually don’t remember too too much from it. I didn’t track it very well, I didn’t pay all that much attention.

I need to look back, see what he’s done, I know the big things, but the details, what did he do, in office, to really cause change?

What if he declares direct war on Gaza? Is that a mass death sentence? What more can be done before then? What will happen?

And what if he uses that to justify declaring the country in a state of war? What if he uses that to justify mass consolidation or power? What if that means reemergence of old laws or forming of new ones that are expedited and mostly unchallenged?

I’m fucking terrified. But this isn’t a very productive thought, it doesn’t really help anyone I don’t think. But I had to write, even pretend I’m sharing it. So it’s here. I’m sorry if anyone else sees this and it takes you somewhere bad.

Just remember that people survived that, persisted, and will continue to. The battle for rights is a struggle and on going, even if this fucking guy marks something terrible coming, it’s not the end. We will rise up, we will keep fighting. We will outlast him.

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The worse I’m doing the further I tend to go back into old comfort fandoms.

So maybe don’t read into the fact that I’m currently reading harry potter percy jackson crossover fanfiction. The first two big fandom series I’d read books of and a favorite of mine in sixth grade.

I’m doing great 👍

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us, normally:

an odd combination of these two things

us, after that conversation which somehow broke all the walls we didn’t even know were there:

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music doesn’t work for me, but we do something similar and tend to listen to something with people taking, has to be more than one though, and it’s gotta be hella engaging and very interesting to whoever’s dictating interest

bonus if: - lots of elements to pay attention to - you gotta really pay attention to keep up - really easy/low effort to consume, bc if we find it hard, we might just stop and start thinking (bad) - and depending on the mood, this either is helll yeah or a deal breaker, invokes thoughts about it

music, man, i can hum along with every word and read at the same time, these bitches have no problem taking over music