allthingsainsleigh

[allthingsainsleigh]

Limbo

This is the first word that comes to mind when trying to describe this weird, anxiety inducing feeling of in between.

Jackie and I just spent the entire day packing and organizing our 200 square foot cubicle that has been our home for the last nine months. In my mind it felt like this would be my forever home and freshman year would never end. But alas, this cubicle is now no longer mine. I although I don’t leave for another ten days, packing this room has made me feel like this space is no longer mine. I am uncomfortable, anxious, and not sure how to make myself feel better. After filling four blue packing bags with clothes and shoes, the atmosphere already feels different as if everyone is already gone and I’m the last one to leave. But yet, every single one of my friends are still here, all my things are still in my room, and school is still in session. So why do I feel so nostalgic about a place I haven’t even left?

I named this feeling limbo because I feel in between. In between feelings and desires, not wanting to go home (honestly because I don’t want to unpack and listen to my mom ask “do you really need this much shit?”) and not wanting to stay and watch people leave one by one.

I don’t want to go home to the may and June gloom in California,

But I don’t want to stay in the 90° heat in Tucson,

I don’t want to leave my lofted bed,

Yet I don’t want to sleep in my bed at home.

This blog has been in my drafts since I was finishing up finals and all my friends were leaving. I never posted it because I thought it might seem dramatic or whiney but reading back on it (at home, done with finals, reunited with my friends and family), I still agree with everything I said. I don’t feel the limbo anymore and I don’t wish to be back in that shoebox. It is officially a memory and more nostalgia for me to reflect on. And I am beyond okay with that.

[allthingsainsleigh]

I love a list;

Despite being the textbook definition of a type B, I am obsessed with making lists. From to do lists, wish lists, favorites lists, whatever you could possibly make a list of I’ve most likely made it.

I have an absurdly long list of intrusive thoughts of things I wanted to circle back on or just thinks I liked or noticed from I want to say freshman and sophomore year. Here are some of the things on the list to give some context:

why are there so many celebrities on modern family

Underrated gifts: plate of really crispy bacon, cash and flowers, socks

Green vans with yellow laces and lining

You don’t need to know what’s happening with everybody at all times

These next 5 were written next to eachother:

(Never met someone who doesn’t like the neighborhood

Young Johnny Depp

Knee high boots

Naomi Campbell

Shirley temples and just cherries)

Why is it weird for people to like old pictures of your feed, is that not the whole point of Instagram?

Guys who vape 🤢

Quite literally none of these make sense but when I read them I can feel myself morph back into the person who was writing them because she’s still with me.

Reading these silly bullet point entries is the same as when I read back old physical diary entries. Some things I wrote about I still agree with and others all I can think is “god Ainsleigh you don’t even know what’s coming”.

I believe things like the notes app and social media like Instagram, tumblr, Pinterest, and now tik tok are the new wave of writing in a diary or scrapbooking. And as a highly nostalgic person, I’m here for all of it. That being said, do my personal diary entries need to be published for the world to see, probably not. But for thoughts like “Why is music so influential”, “Cherry rolling paper”, “Bedazzle gun”, and “White Mary Jane docs”, I appreciate having finstas & a tumblr blog to share them.

With that being said, I made a new Instagram account (@allthingsainsleigh) to share all of my favorite random things, my outfits, and honestly anything that I want. When I made the account I asked myself well why wouldn’t you just post them on your main account if it’s a reflection of yourself anyways? And I don’t have an answer. Maybe because I don’t want to confuse my older relatives with outfit inspiration and bombard their feed with mirror selfies. Or maybe because it’s engraved in my head that your main Instagram is meant to be conventional. I’m being dramatic. Anywho one of my summer goals is to really tune into my creativity and be more confident in my decisions so I figured this is a better start than none.

Enjoy?

[allthingsainsleigh]

Ainsleigh’s best ways to get out of a slump

I am a morning person but in the sense that if my morning sucks, so does the rest of the day. At least that’s the narrative i create for myself. if i wake up feeling shitty or anxious I find it hard to see the light at the end of the tunnel. In turn, my first instinct is to lay in my bed all day (and i mean ALL day). It does not take a doctor to tell me that this is clearly unhealthy. So, instead of deciding my day will suck, i do the following first before deeming the day shitty.

Most of these things don’t have to be executed in order and I am constantly finding more and more things to add. But for now, here is my list:

1. DONT check your phone when you wake up. 9 times out of 10 it’ll make you feel shittier and want to stay in bed. If you have already checked your phone just put it down and get straight out of bed.

2. Have a non-negotiable routine you do every morning before checking your phone/doing anything. For me this is brushing my teeth, washing my face, and taking my vitamins/meds. Although these things are so mundane you will subconsciously feel like you’ve accomplished something today.

3. Drink an iced coffee. Self explanatory.

- bonus points if you drink it in the sun

- bonus bonus points if you drink it in the sun with your friends

4. Talk to your friends. Every day differs but I find when I force myself to be around my friends and talk about things that don’t revolve around me or my shitty mood i tend to feel better.

5. Call your mom or a loved one. Anytime im in a rut or need extra love and reassurance i call my mom. For realllllyyy shitty days I have to rely on her to talk me through what to do to get the ball rolling for the day. It happens, life’s hard, i digress.

6. Go on a walk. Treadmill, around campus, around your neighborhood etc. Walk far, walk in circles, walk to run an errand I don’t care. Get your body moving.

7. Or get some sun. This is easier for me to do since I’m in Arizona for school but getting fresh air will suffice if the sun is not out.

8. Jump into a body of water. If this is unavailable near you proceed to #9.

9. Shower. Sometimes washing your hair and shaving your legs is the singularly solution for a shitty morning. You’d be surprised.

10. Go on Pinterest. Pinterest is my best friend and IMO the healthiest form of social media. The content i consume on Pinterest doesn’t make me anxious or overstimulated. I have mood boards, words of wisdom, and fashion inspiration i add to everyday and to me it’s a form of manifestation.

11. Color. This is my new favorite outlet when I’m super anxious or overwhelmed. One of my favorite quotes is from Carl Jung: “What did you do as a child that made the hours pass like minutes? Here in lies the key to your earthly pursuits”. So reflect on what you did as a kid to pass time or have fun. It may still spark something in you now.

12. Put on an outfit you love. Again, this varies from day to day. This could look like your comfiest jeans and a plain tank or a brand new top you have been putting off wearing for a “special occasion”. It could even be a sweat set that you haven’t washed in a few days (don’t cringe you know you do it too). Whatever it is that you put on, let it be what you will be the most comfortable in. Your clothes are a second skin, there’s power in utilizing it.

13. Drink water. Seems obvious but you’d be surprised how much dehydration affects every aspect of your body physically and mentally.

14. Listen to your favorite songs. I have a few playlists or three song rotations that’ll almost always itch my brain the right way. But for when those aren’t working, I shuffle all of my downloaded songs. Listening to a throwback song that reminds me of middle school or hearing a song i forgot existed is always as exciting as hearing it for the first time.

I am definitely not done with this list, and I don’t always listen to my own advice. I am honestly writing these out to remind myself to do these things for when it feels like the world is ending (not even being dramatic).

[allthingsainsleigh]

Limerence

This was a topic I wrote in my notes app because I wanted to circle back to it. Limerence is defined as a psychological state characterized by an involuntary, obsessive attachment to another person, but purely based on the uncertainty that the person you desire also desires you. When I learned this word I had a field day because it quite literally defined nearly every relationship or infatuation I've had with someone since coming to school (or maybe even earlier). Limerence is categorized into three stages; infatuation, crystallization, and deterioration. The infatuation stage is when you first begin to perceive someone in a different light, either someone you know of or a friend in your life who before this very moment you hadn't been attracted to them. Some ways to put this into perspective are having a dream about someone then waking up and having a crush on them, sharing a momentary smile or conversation in a cramped elevator, or to be frank, someone (attractive) liking your Instagram story for the first time. So bam, with situations like these can come a new born infatuation for a person. However, limerence infatuation turns unintentionally obsessive. Since this person is fresh on your radar, it is easier to create scenarios with this person in mind. The crystallization period is described as the experience of obsessiveness, anxiety, and intense excitement at the THOUGHT of the person. Key word THOUGHT. Limerence makes people high and mighty in your head. It turns the average Joe into the love of your life that you are certain is the one and only person for you. But you don't know this person. Actually, you most likely don't even know their middle name or birthplace. They have become a character in day dreaming, romantic scenarios, and someone to wonder if you'll run into when you are out. It is all about the romanticized IDEA of someone. It does not even require sexual attraction, it just has to be someone you can imagine yourself with. And more times than not, you can imagine yourself with said person because you know nothing about them and you use your imagination to build them up. The final stage of limerence is deterioration, when the idealization of this individual has faded, and you no longer feel these intense feelings towards them. I have found that this occurs once you genuinely get to know them (sorry if you think this could be about you) or when you realize what you were really craving is something within that won't be satisfied by another person (who probably would not add much to your life anyway). Limerence is not a sign of mental illness, it's not psychotic, and it's not uncommon. I don't personally believe anyone is prone to it and cannot find any concrete evidence on why people experience this (besides attachment styles but that's a whole other blog). I think the answer is simple; it is just fun to have crushes. It is fun to project all your idealistic characteristics of a person onto someone new. The toxic part of this is not being self aware of limerence and perceiving these feelings as love. LIMERENCE IS NOT LOVE. Technically it is not lust either, but I think if limerence were on a spectrum between love and lust, it would swing further right. So, my solution to limerence is self awareness and honesty. Be honest with yourself; was that night spent with that guy really the start of your love story? or were you both really drunk, having a good time, and happen to cross paths. I am not a pessimist by any means but I think it is CRUCIAL to be able to differentiate true feelings and connections to lust and limerence. Furthermore, a quote I always fall back on is expect nothing and accept everything. Not hitting it off with someone or them not reciprocating what you want does not always make them a bad person. It is impossible to create true connection if you have unrealistic expectations from the other person. Take experiences with people for what they are. Avoid building people up in your head even when it is fun to do. Accept things for how they are, and move forward as is.

[allthingsainsleigh]

Hiiiii blog!!! Writing in a journal/on my notes app gets lonely and boring, so I decided to create a blog to share my thoughts, ideas, opinions, things I love, things I hate, things I don't understand, things I (think) I understand and everything in between. To me this is a creative outlet and helps me to understand more about my identity in a reflective yet playful way. To my friends and family reading or anyone else who was curious enough to hear what I have to say, welcome:)))))