allyourstudents

[allyourstudents]

My book comes alive in 25

All the things that blocked me before, wearing off. I’m over it.

I have a life purpose to attend to. I gotta keep my eyes focused on the future, by learning from the past, and doing it one step at a time in the present

[allyourstudents]

I’m a different person from who I was 10 years ago

Back then, I didn’t think my life would be what it is by now

If I told myself what I do for work, I wonder if I would recognize myself

He for sure would be proud of the art he can make with ease now. That much I know for sure

Or the curiosity that once previously swept through me to discover the basic ingredients of the mystical matrix simulation we swim in. Dull roar. Replaced by injuries from love gone wrong through my twenties

I am older. None the wiser.

[allyourstudents]

Not again

[allyourstudents]

Yes. It is a process

I’m just having a hard time processing

[allyourstudents]

I’m trained in multiple ways to help people. And the defamation I’ve experienced has soured the work I offer. I no longer want to continue helping people. I dont want to be alive. I want to be gone. I want to be dead.

I shoved myself into a bottleneck. Away from all the practice. I refused to remember. I chose to forget. So I let it all slip out of my mind. Because even the things that could help me, that I taught to others, that I went to school for and was taught about by others, they don’t work for me at this time

Do you hear me? I have pushed out all the things that have mattered to me for the last 7 years. I just decided to be a new person

And the way I’ve been swallowed by depression and anxiety have forcibly put me in the predicament of cornering myself in a small space; a bottleneck.

Will I ever be free again? I don’t truly know. Will I ever come home to me again? I don’t know who I am anymore. All the things I studied and given myself to, I don’t want in my life anymore. I’m going through an entire shift of personality. While depressed. And thoughts from more than a year and a half ago plague my mind with memories of a time lost to me. I could have made choices that continue to help me live a life I love

One where I teach yoga. One where I give time to clients that are seeking counseling. One where I help people find their flow. One where I make art. One where I am deeply intentional with the words, thoughts, and actions I take in order to help someone

How do I wake up from this?

How do I return to the melting pot of the world?

This monk like period has cast me out from the amalgamation of complex relationships between personalities I knew from another time

Will I ever awaken again?

How do I wake up?

How do I activate again?

I don’t know who I am

[allyourstudents]

Will I ever find peace, be peace, radiate peace?

My sunken eyes tell stories, the kind only someone aware might be able to parse

But even they couldn’t guess the loss, the pain, the lingering reminders of a time span completely inaccessible furthermore

Maybe now I know how the Titanic feels.. alone, suffocated by a rising tide, a beautiful thing traumatized into wreckage, left for dead, no savior, under tremendous pressure

Will I ever resurface, and sail off into the sunset again?

Suffering

[allyourstudents]

- Clarice Lispector

[allyourstudents]

I hear the stillness

[allyourstudents]

Focus on intention, ignore distraction

Focus on distraction, ignore intention

One will take you forward

One will keep you still

[allyourstudents]

When am I going to get my shit together

[allyourstudents]

It’s me again God

What the fuck

Please send help

[allyourstudents]

I see you

You’re hurting

In a million ways

And all I have is empathy

For the billion colors that shine

From a broken glass

Like a prism of rainbow colors

And you think it’s all darkness

But it’s not, more like

A sun catcher in a window

[allyourstudents]

““You have control over doing your respective duty, but no control or claim over the result. Fear of failure, from being emotionally attached to the fruit of work, is the greatest impediment to success because it robs efficiency by constantly disturbing the equanimity of the mind.” A farmer is responsible for working his land yet has no control over the harvest. But, if he does not work his land he cannot expect a harvest. “Boundary of one’s jurisdiction ends with the completion of one’s duty. Do your duty to the best of your ability, O Arjuna, with your mind attached to the Lord. Abandon worry and attachment to results. Remain calm in both success and failure. Such a selfless service brings peace and equanimity of the mind.” (2.48)”

— The Bhagavad-Gita, Abbreviated   http://www.gita4free.com/Book/english-abbreviated.pdf

[allyourstudents]

Part of me wants the past

But most of me wants a new reality

One where you will never touch me again

The parts of me that cry about that are holding on to the past

The most of me grows untouchable wings at the possibility of reaching farther for a better tomorrow

[allyourstudents]

Your thoughts aren't always truth, sometimes they're a survival tactic you need to unlearn

[allyourstudents]

I’m a text post wanting to be an image post. I just have more brains than i have visual asthetic,

Or maybe it’s the way I’m an audio learner and prefer to hear the sound of relation through words

Or maybe it’s the lack of value I have for terminal bodies that will one day decay

Words may never be as drop dead gorgeous as you are, Stunner

But the ink in my pen could keep you beautiful long after your vessel fades

[allyourstudents]

“It’s sad isn’t it? I once thought worlds of you and now you’re just another lesson.”

— Beau Taplin, The Lesson