almostnineteen - Tumblr blog

[almostnineteen]

random thing i realized today:

how do i know i’ve matured? i went from getting jealous of my brother thinking that our mom gave him more attention when we were kids to realizing that we both didn’t receive enough time and attention from our mom because she was always working to provide for us.

so now, i want to graduate and get a high-paying job so that my mom can retire sooner and spend more time with my brother, which is what he needs and deserves.

[almostnineteen]

unpopular opinion: i missed reading books but i’m also glad i stopped

TL;DR: i lost a part of myself when i went into a reading slump but i found a new version of me that finally learned to live

a week ago i found out that Hello, Goodbye, and Everything In Between - a book i read when i was in tenth grade - has been made into a netflix film (that i totally plan to watch soon). honestly, it makes me extremely happy that the books i grew up with, or at least read towards the end of junior high, are now getting made into films that should definitely give these stories and their authors the extended recognition they deserve. and i’m talking about the likes of The School for Good and Evil, which i am also much excited about, and not the To All The Boys series (no offense). the shy high school girl in me would have been thrilled to see the books she enjoyed so much come to life.

i remember when i was in middle school and junior high. i think about how much of a book nerd i was and how i’ve changed from then. you could say reading and writing was my whole personality. books were my whole world... or, worlds, i guess, since i lived in so many of them and not enough of my own. one Christmas i even asked my family to install another bookshelf in my room above my bed just so i could have space for all the books i haven’t read yet (it was just a long plank of wood we had lying around held up by supports). i live in the Philippines so Fully Booked was my absolute favorite place, especially the BGC branch. i was always happiest when i was reading, and the same could be said for writing.

then the pandemic hit, and i stopped reading and writing altogether. well, technically, my reading slump started when i was in tenth grade, but the pandemic really was something else. my mental health was down and i was also starting at a new school after studying at the same one for 11 years. i drowned myself in work and burnt myself out more times than i could count. for whatever reason, reading and writing, unless they were for academic purposes, just didn’t fit into my schedule anymore. but i guess, at the time, they didn’t fit into my personality either.

the reason why i never had time to pick up a book or a pen (or even type stuff down) was because i was busy discovering other things. over the past few years, i have:

transferred into my dream senior high school

experienced the pains of adjusting to online classes + being in a co-ed school for the first time

made A LOT of new friends (we’re at least 20 people in the friend group)

gotten a netflix account and binge watched so many shows and movies (Jane the Virgin, HIMYM, B99, Lucifer, and The Good Place now have special places in my heart)

gotten into a relationship (i was very busy discovering a lot about my boyfriend. hi, hun!)

engaged in typical teenage shenaniganry (hehe)

redecorated my room

adopted a cat

rearranged my room again for said cat (the bookshelf is now bookless and has since become a cat nap area)

gone to places i could otherwise never afford if it weren’t for my friends and their parents sponsoring the events

been through more ups and downs than i could keep track of

drowned myself in work then proceeded to pull myself back out

and essentially a lot of other stuff i never thought would happen to me at all. i focused more on myself and the people around me rather than fictional characters living fictional lives (who, i will admit, are amazing and unique in their own right, but real-life drama about real-life people just hits different y’know, especially when you can get in the middle of it lmao).

when i was a new student at the start of grade 11, i realized that in order to make friends i needed to be an interesting enough person on my own, with a personality beyond the things i’ve read or wanted to write about. that, and i learned that it’s easier for people to talk about real people, whether it’s me or themselves or others we know. granted, i have friends right now who are suckers for fictional characters (especially fictional men written by women), but i found that the easiest way to connect with new people is to start by talking about what’s in front of you instead of something that you both need to have read or watched in order to understand.

even if i’m sad that i lost a part of myself that probably had a fire in her heart and a sparkle in her eyes, i’m also glad i got to transition into the person i am now. she isn’t terrible, she’s just different (and much more tired). she went through hell and matured a lot. now that i’m trying to maintain a healthier lifestyle and mental state, i guess now’s a good time to go back to what made me happiest when i was younger.

this year, i’ve only read The President Is Missing and Be More Chill so far (started both after school ended in may). as part of my college rebranding, i’ve decided to read more books about Filipino culture and history, or books by Filipino authors. i already started when i was in tenth grade, so i’m continuing by currently reading AA Patawaran’s Manila Was A Long Time Ago. i’d definitely love to get recommendations though !! Filipino genre or not, if it’s a good book recommended by someone on this site i’d be happy to give it a shot.

additionally, i’ll try my best to keep this blog for random thoughts and essays. i will not be reviving my old tumblr blog, but i won’t delete it either because that’s still a part of who i am. still, i want to keep this separate from all the fangirling i did back in 2019, when i only used tumblr for a bit then dipped for 3 years (lmao i still don’t really know how to use this site). i’m hoping this blog could serve as some kind of brain dump therapy for when i’m feeling like twitter isn’t a big enough rant space for my thoughts.

so there. i’m back on tumblr. don’t know how long i’ll be here, and i don’t know if this will reach anyone (or if anyone will care to reach the end of this post). still, i’m pretty glad to be back.