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UPDATE. October 11, 2018

Hi. This is weird. But hi!

God is so good to me and here I am today.

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And this was in August. Different bald spot below the one from the other video. This one got much worse and can be visible in the pictures if you keep scrolling.

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This is from July, when my alopecia wasn't all that bad.

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Quick-ish story about what I meant when I said that having long hair made alopecia worse. Yesterday, while on snapchat I looked through some saved snaps and I found that picture (September). Of course, I freaked out. And that’s the moment I decided to cut my hair.

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Now this is an update! Today 01.15.17 marks the first day… I still am wearing the fibers, but no beanie!

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Not an update, but an anecdote. Yesterday-- 01.14.17 my nephew (2) saw me without a beanie for the first time-- and his reaction was unexpected.... I had showered and because my hair was still humid I decided to not cover it up. Keep in mind that in public AND at home I always wear a beanie so this was different all together. Well, my mom was babysitting Ethan, and when I went to see him after he kept calling for me he stopped and started laughing very nervously. Ethan kept looking at me and saying, "tu no es, tu no Sara" he did this nervous laugh because he didn't recognize me at all. I kept talking to him like normal and he yells out, "oh si, tu Sara!" And gave me a hug automatically. I had the biggest urge to cry while he kept saying I wasn't his aunt... But when he hugged me I just laughed and smiled and I was truly happy.

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Yet another update. Since my last post (2 weeks ago?) I've lost the longer strands of hair I was holding.. scroll down to see, if you want. It's funny how I was actually able to notice how everyday I had less and less hair. I cut the ends at the back of my head simply because I looked ridiculous and I'm pretty sure it's uneven and messed up. It's hard knowing if what I have left is all new hair. Some of it is really smooth and healthy so I'm sure those are from the first bald spots, but there's some other short hairs that leave me wondering.. maybe it's breakage. No se.

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I had one pin holding up my hair, this is what it looked like when I took it off. Imagine this all day everyday. No wonder I look the way I do, right?

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Im not pretty enough to be a boy.

The idea of cutting the rest of my hair comes to mind daily. But I can’t do it.  And yet, knowing I will get there “naturally” either way doesn’t make me feel any better. I’m not pretty enough to look like a boy,  I’m not ready. I remember when I was little, and still lived in Queretaro I actually had that ‘boy’ haircut. Looking at pictures of it years later kinda made me see how much of an ugly kid I was, especially for a boy. I’m clinging on to each single hair strand I have. I mean, there’s only so much of it left.

I’m still wearing scarves and beanies… But now 3 weeks later I’m back to work and as you saw in previous pictures my “ponytail” is pathetic. It’s embarrassing. But I can’t do anything about it. I can’t wear beanies to work. And I’m not too comfortable with scarves while actively working so I’m actually going out of my “comfort zone” now. I’m in the habit of wearing headbands, but at the end of the day my head ends up hurting. Everything hurts, Bobby pins, elastic bands, beanies… I can’t win. I bought this awesome product called Toppik. It’s just “hair fibers” that I’m using to cover up the spots, it’s colored so at least it blends a little. It still looks weird because my hair is extremely dry, and so flat… But I’m okay with it for now. The second to last picture shows what the top of my head looks like with the product and right next to it, what it looks like without. I know, I’m like an old man balding… In the last picture I have that spot fully grown now at about 2 inches. I’ve never been happier.

I guess the doctor was right. I’ll be starting the new year bald. Im excited for spring. Im like a tree.

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Pictures taken within 15-20 days from each other. Except for the one with my Texas forever shirt, that one is mid October and the “after” picture is mid December. I had a lot more pictures but phone issues here and there, and now those are gone.

The haircut didn’t help calm my nerves. Well it did a little bit. But my hair continued to fall.

Now, keep in mind the dermatologist told me that alopecia was a delayed reaction to stress and anxiety. So that means it took my body a couple months to react to whatever it was that made me so “uneasy” ISNT THAT CRAZY?? MAYBE, just maybe, I have too much mental damage and that’s why this thing was still happening. This is what I think about at night, in the shower, in the morning… This is what I think about anytime I see a new spot. I guess, and I’m taking a wild guess here, me OVERTHINKING it is slowing down the “healing” process. Well it’s not easy to live with this. And I do think about every night, and I do still cry about it because of how ugly it is.

During my last appointment, the doctor told me that by the end of the year I would lose ALL my hair (this was in mid October), she laughed and said, but at least it’s starting to grow. I hated her.

THIS is why I wear scarves and beanies. This is why I don’t go out comfortably. This is why I feel like someone is looking at me and making up their own stories as to why I look the way I do.

A couple weeks ago, I was under so much stress and anxiety one night that i cut my hair. I know nothing about cutting hair. I grabbed the scissors (they weren’t even suited for hair) and I cut it off. I know, straight out of a movie, huh. This second haircut helped my hair look less gross when I first got it. It’s a different story now.

Side note, I take care of myself. Vitamins and minerals are part of my everyday life. I drink enough water, I make sure to sleep enough, and even though I don’t eat certain food groups (V word), THAT is not an influence or a reason for alopecia. I’ve done my research, and the doctor said it was unrelated. So when people tell me I should eat ______ or I should go back to eating ____ it is the stupidest thing I have to sit and listen through because most of the time there is a joking tone to it.

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This is the beginning. It all started with a round bald spot on the top of my head. How did I notice it? While touching my scalp, I realized it was TOO smooth, way too soft, so I checked in the mirror and there it was the very first one. I took pictures as best i could (then) and there was no growth.

A few days later I noticed another spot, this time it was on the left side of my head. Same thing, completely bald with no growth. One of my sisters actually noticed that one and pointed it out.. i joked and said, I know, I pull my hair.

I’ve already shared what the doctors have said. Alopecia is an autoimmune disease. There’s no topical cure. And for now, can’t say how long I will keep going through this.

Ever since, I’ve lost count of how many spots I kept finding. My hair thinned out tremendously. And seeing all the hair that fell daily led me to cut my hair above my shoulders. Now, if you know me then you know I haven’t had hair that short since 2011. My hair was past my waist. I could sit on it! And I loved it. I actually think short hair like that is ugly on me and yet I did it. I did it because I couldn’t handle my situation and I wanted to make things “better”

I was still hopeful at the time. Hopeful that it would all end there.

My haircut (shown in the picture where I’m wearing a blue shirt) was in September. Fast forward to late October/November (last 2 pictures) and you can see how much more my hair thinned out. . Not only did I lose half of my hair by then, but the texture was completely different that how it used to be. My hair is now dry, extra coarse, and frizzy.