alook-inside

[alook-inside]

November 11th 2021

Today wasn’t that bad, I’m still struggling to find a balance. Lately things feel as if they’re always spiraling out of control. My days begin to blur together, my thoughts are scattered and imbalanced. I want to do better, to be better, but I can’t seem to pull my head above the fog. I have really great relationships that provides lots of love and support, yet I feel so fucking lonely. Why do I feel so lonely, so out of step. I don’t feel comfortable in my own skin, I don’t think I ever really have. There’s so much trauma and ugly that riddles me, it’s hard to carry it. Everyone tells me it gets better, that the trauma has shaped me to be the “wonderful woman I am” but why can’t they see its fucking crushing me. I’m buried in it screaming for help. And I suppose it’s silly, because I know at the end of the day the only person who can save me from it is myself, but how do I do that when every fiber in my body screams I’m the problem, the enemy. Sometimes I feel as if I’m not me, that my thoughts arent my own and that there’s someone else inhabiting my vessel. It’s stupid right? I know I’m not the only one who feels this way, and writing helps some. I made this blog today to use as basically a journal or diary of sorts. Maybe if I put how I feel out there rather than keep them to myself, it’ll help. I highly doubt anyone will see this, considering I’m not adding tags or anything because this is quite frankly just for me, but maybe if someone does, it could open a network of sorts for me to connect with people who understand how I feel. I’m not sure, I had an idea of what I wanted to write but frankly I’m too overwhelmed to get it out. But here’s to trying something new. 

- D