alovingfeelingbymitski

[alovingfeelingbymitski]

first.

I miss feeling like a good person

I think I haven't done anything completely unforgivable, and like a normal human, I've made countless mistakes. Small or large, everything could be forgiven by myself with the right mindset. I hold people to that standard, I think most should be given a chance to grow. It’s so corny but kindness is free, and so is hatred, but it’s unbelievably tiring. Hate is a strong feeling, something I’m familiar with. To me, however, it feels miniscule in moments where everyone is all joyful and carefree, despite any kind of rivalry they may have with each other. The warmth I felt watching a group that never fully got along cheer and face the entire world together blurred out all other moments where I wished I never met them. It quickly got replaced with something burning, a sign where I knew I was close to crying just because of how genuinely happy I felt. Afterwards, I felt hollow and regretful I spent months harboring a grudge against all when it could have been spent differently. 

Some have wronged me and many others, some had disagreeable behaviors. Had I consulted someone with this rant’s words, maybe they would have reassured me and justified whatever negativity I felt towards them. But maybe the reassurance I need the most is one where it opens a path of reconciliation and a chance to be lifelong companions to trust for eternity.

Admittedly, I’m stubborn and refuse to take the high ground because I saw it as being weak and giving up. Had I done just that, however, maybe things wouldn’t be as difficult as it had been.

Though, I’m exhausted of being harmed too, of pleasing other people just to have it easy for myself when I’m not okay with it at all. Hatred, in a way, gives me an identity. A reminder that I’m still a person that is deserving of something. Someone who has their own opinions and thoughts and not just a personification of compliance.

But, an identity could be formed from being both stubborn and taking the high ground too. From being both weak and strong. No, that is the basis of identity. Everybody has weaknesses and strengths, it’s there no matter how covered it is.

I’m lost on where I’m going with this at this point, but all feels connected somehow, even with how off the track this is. Aimlessly drifting and experiencing everything that I’ve ever had has formed me into the person I am now.

I miss feeling like a good person, the flaws I’ve shown and mentioned should be embraced and improved, but there is something that’s keeping me from going through with improvement. My soul feels tainted by mistakes I’ve made, no matter how long ago it was or how small of an impact it had. I hold distrust when people label me as kind or sweet, when I know I’ve done things that contradict those words. 

If anything, they’re a good person for seeing me as one too. I’m undeserving of such a view, and I tell myself that I’m stubborn, that I should push away all thoughts accepting I’m exactly what they say.

I confuse myself a lot, I think I’m filled with traits and beliefs that clash with each other, but I know this one. I felt fulfilled indulging in that very perspective others had for me and in seeing the effect I had on them, how they said everything was better when I was there. How they said they were glad meeting someone like me when I was a complete poser then. Fake it until you make it, I felt happy in making others happy when it was not my initial intention at all. That was back then, the feeling dimmed now, but maybe I could try again. 

To repeat, kindness is free, hatred is satisfying but being at glee and peace is better.

Today, I will be a good person, and then I will learn to feel like one again