altheawaldorf-blog - Tumblr blog

altheawaldorf-blog · 6 years

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My first ever post.

Alright, so this is my first ever post. I’m going to try to not make a big deal out of it which is pretty much impossible for me since I make a big deal out of everything and anything. Or is it anything and everything? That sounds better...

Anyway, not sure exactly how this all works. Not sure if I’ll have any followers. Not sure if I should care.

I needed something. Something for all of the thoughts in my head. Something else to contain them before my brain bursts. I’m tired of being so anxious all of the time. Don’t get me wrong, I’m not how you would picture an anxious person. At least I don't think so.

I’m not always wringing my hands. I don’t stutter... usually. Unless I’m in a high-pressure conversation with someone I’m trying to impress. Great timing right? Need to impress the boss? Cue the water works, tight throat and stuttering like an idiot... But otherwise I’m relatively chill.

I use words like dude, sweet and fucker on a regular basis. I shorten words around people I’m comfortable with, completely aware how douchey I sound saying “ hey you want some chick nugs?” but not caring because I honestly like the way it sounds.

As far as my general persona goes, I’d say I’m incredibly empathetic (to those truly in pain, I have to patience for overly dramatic, self obsessed drama queens), I’m a hippie wanna-be at heart, wishing that everyone could just get along- especially humans with animals. I have no shame in saying the pain of an animal typically affects me on a deeper level than that of a human. I also dispel tough love when necessary. I’m as sarcastic as they come. I curse like a sailor and rarely admit that I’m wrong (because I’m usually not).

And coating all of this; like the stickiness of caramel on an apple that you just cant ignore... is my anxiety and my depression. I overthink. I don’t see the world clearly. My disorders manipulate the way I see the world. They make life harder. They affect every part of me. My relationships, my thoughts, my body, my perception. My life. My being. My everything.

I spend hours obsessing over the fact that someone is stopping by my house quickly to pick something up. Making sure every inch is clean and there is food available just in case they want to come in, even though they probably won’t. Dreading the idea of coming up with small talk, figuring out how to say goodbye without coming off as rude. I don’t want them to think I’m a dirty person, or that I don’t have my shit together. I don’t want them to think I'm inconsiderate. I want to make sure I look okay, not too tired or sloppy. Is my hair greasy? Does this shirt make me look fat? God I'm so bloated all you see is stomach. They won’t be able to look anywhere but my stomach. Except maybe my hair because its such a mess or the floor because I haven't swept. And on... and on... and on....

And these are people I like! Love even! People I enjoy! But the disorders put these thoughts into my head. These thoughts that people are judging me. Waiting for me to fail. That failure is inevitable. That I’m not as good as everyone else. They have their shit together. They do it. They have good jobs, they stay hydrated and go to the gym regularly and have hot bodies and know about sports and culture and they travel and theyre involved in politics and they can cook. And the women all wear heels and do their makeup flawlessly and their hair looks perfect and their bodies are perfect and their outfits are perfect.

And here I am, barely wanting to brush and straighten my hair (frizz everywhere) and put on concealer to cover the circles under my eyes. Unable to walk in heels, wearing one of the 7 outfits in my regular rotation.

But I think. And I overthink. And I can’t breathe. And I can’t live. Because in order to live you must experience the current moment and I cannot. I’m frozen, and I'm tired. Too tired to put in more effort. Too tired from thinking how I’m not good enough. Too tired to get out of my head.

I am too stuck in my head to be here in reality so it passes me by and then it’s gone.

Did I enjoy that? I don’t know. But it’s over now. What’s the next thing I need to worry about? Relax? No, not now. I have to move quickly onto the next thing. Why? Because if I don’t obsess now, I’ll run out of time and if I run out of time I lost my chance to do all of the tens of millions of things on my to do list at any given moment. And once that time is gone its gone forever and I cant get it back so I cant do that thing so I obsess and I panic because its all so permanent.

And I obsess and I panic and I get stuck and I dread and I overthink and don’t live.

Because by the time I’m ready to live the moment is gone.

I thought about it so much, I obsessed over making it perfect and by the time everything was in order I had lost my chance.

Because I’m anxious and Im depressed, but not overtly. I seem confident, but this is only because my mind is not on display for the world to see.

My mind is hidden, only available for view if I allow it; and even then it is only the skewed version I decide to show.

I have kept so much hidden, I have forgotten who I am. I stop myself from acting on impulses so much so that all of my behaviors are actually knee jerk reactions to avoid pain and embarrassment. I no longer follow happiness.

This is why I have created this blog. I will work it all out here. All of the craziness in my mind. All of the confusion, the mess. I will recreate who I am. I will discover under the cloak of secrecy the things that bring me joy.

In the company of strangers I will find out what in life excites me. I do this so that I can truly live, instead of watching other live. With complete control and freedom to mold from the ashes: Althea.

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