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Old poetry.

Once I wrote a note. I wrote; "I love you. I love the way you kiss me. I love the way you smell. I love the way you hold me."

And I did

And I loved the way you put your shoes on. The way you put your hands in your pockets and looked so cold. The way you snuggled up behind me, buried your face in my hair and sighed. The way you said my name.

And then I left.

And I didn't miss you. And I liked the way he looked. The way he spoke. The way I moved. I said goodbye. I walked a different way.

And he kissed me. He smelled good. He held me.

Then I tripped On my own feet I fell Face to brick road.

And the only way to get back up was to change.

Change the way I loved me. Change the way I thought. Change the way I held myself. And I did.

Time passed. And I loved me.

And when I came back, your new shoes were tied. And you looked cold. And you held me for a moment. -- "And I You." April2011

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"I don't feel very much like Pooh today," said Pooh. "There there," said Piglet, "I'll bring you tea and honey until you do." Tea and biscuits from the UK just in time for breakfast in Kalamazoo from my bestest friend.

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Peace-a Bread

Today, I start living in the moment.

I’m starting by making homemade pita bread, singing along with Praise music on Pandora, and soaking up the rays of springtime sunshine that leak through the windows.

I’ve found that bread-making is an excellent way to center myself. Unlike any other kind of baking or cooking, the gaps of time between steps force me to sit and wait. If I become impatient and skip out on these breaks, it drastically alters the desired outcome of my task.

So I sit and wait for the yeast to activate. I watch the foamy bubbles gather to the top of the measuring glass. The smell of honey tries desperately to permeate the musty yeast scent. I want to stir it. For all I know, stirring could have absolutely no effect on the activation of the tiny yeast particles. But why push limits?

Kneading. The best part! There’s something incredibly mind-clearing about pressing my hands deep into the dough, smoothing out any little lumps and feeling it grow more tough as I squish, fold, and mold it. My ever-wandering brain somehow focuses all of it’s energy into my hands. I feel the way my palms crease into the dough. I feel it ooze over my fingertips, and the way it seems to gasp for air as I pull them out.

The dough is then cradled away in a warm bowl, slowly rising beneath an old dish towel. Another period of waiting.

Cleaning. Not quite the best part. Flour dusts the counter-top and all it contains. Mind wanders. I soon find myself laying on the cool kitchen floor. I have always liked kitchen floors.

After some more flour, balling and rolling, baking and cooling, and the inevitable- more cleaning, I’ve made pocket-less pita bread. It is delicious.

It’s fondly reminiscent of the Eucharist bread from my childhood church. Slather the bottom of a little loaf with honey, and- Oh!

Despite the fact that I grew antsy with impatience for a bit, and my thoughts wandered farther than I’d like to allow every once in a while, Today was an excellent step towards “settled.”

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Disregard my original intent

As all my outlets tend to do, the 'once-a-day' blog and I lost touch in the rough of things. But I can pick up again. No restrictions, just expressions. Hopefully daily, but- well you know how life is. Now, find me a paper clip, so that I can push that reset button. -♥- I am an emotionally-fueled being. Some people are logical, some are chaotic, and some are effortlessly peaceful. I am driven by my heart.

I am a journal hoarder. I have dozens of partially-filled notebooks, and the number only grows. They are treasure chests filled with the wanderings of my mind through the years. Some re-open my heart to ideas, and some shake my soul with feelings long forgotten.

This blog will be a journey. Some entries will be new thoughts, and others will be old entries from the journal archives of my attic.

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"They always have good shoes."

II

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Sleepy Betty reigns this week.

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346, 345, 344, 343, 342..

So, I missed a few days. I've been working like a dog, sleeping, napping, driving.. But we can do a quick sum-up:

346 (SUN) 1. The babes at church. Bless 'em. 2. The songs at church (are they getting better, or is it just me?) 3. The people I work with. What a bunch of goofs.

345 (MON) 1. Keeping busy. 2. Snow.

344 (TUES) 1. Nap.

343 (WED) 1. Backstreet Boys. 2. Smart Granny.

342 (TODAY) 1. Happy work. Doing things I enjoy. 2. Happy Family. Even though Grandpa is in the hospital, we all still manage to be goofy and fun and happy. 3. Weekend plans. Happy happy happy.

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Today is not very photogenic.

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347

1. Lots and lots and lots and lots of friends. Everywhere.

2. Managing to find a mostly-empty bar on a Saturday night to meet up with my Frosty. 3. Taking a really long shower. With loud music.

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Holy crap, it's the weekend.

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348

1. Good, honest conversation with my Mom.

2. A nap. A much needed, warm and toasty N-A-P.

3. My Papa's passion for youth in the church. He fell and super-bruised his hip yesterday. Tonight, he is supervising a group trip to what is basically a warehouse lined with trampolines. I admire his fire.

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My feet smell so bad.

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349

1. Granny's kisses.

2. Pancakes and Bacon Dinner with Papa.

3. A patient Kitty-cat.

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Long day; See this meme.

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351/350

351 First of all, I missed yesterday entirely. I was at work all day, spent the evening making cookies, doing puzzles, listening to Disney music, eating dinner and watching Wheel of Fortune with Alison, and then came home and took a bath AND a shower and fell asleep. I had PLENTY to be grateful for- good friendships, silly moments, relaxing time, a new book, good music, new plans and goals (just little ones, but nevertheless..) But I just didn't wedge blogging time into it all. So this little blip will have to suffice.

Since I didn't take a picture yesterday, here's one from this morning. "Kitty goes to the vet" 350 Today was an excellent day off. It was filled with friends and love and laughter. However, I find myself surprised by the things I am most grateful for.

1. Mom letting me use her car. Despite the fact that she and I seem to have had some sort of kerfuffle or miscommunication today. She let me use her car for running to the bank and breakfast with Pey in the morning. And then for taking Kitty to and from the vet and Granny & Grandpa's house. And then for taking Pey home. And I truly appreciate it. I know she has things to accomplish as well, and I know that it isn't her responsibility to make sure I am capable of getting to everything and everywhere. But she makes that sacrifice repeatedly. Again- I panic, and they (Momma and Papa) show relentless love. 

2. The Vet. You should know- I HATE GOING TO THE VET. I have hated it since I was a child, and although I can handle it now, it still makes me anxious and sad. However, my Kitty is hurting. And they are doing everything to help. Seeing my little furry baby, so sad (and yet SO well-behaved!) is impossibly hard for me. The doctor explained everything, and was very honest, and the nurses pitied poor Kitty as we left.. They were all so sweet. [Thank you, Oakwood Animal Hospital!]

3. Walwood. A place that holds a whole mess of what have become painful and sometimes hateful memories, I wasn't sure if I could go back. Honestly, I wasn't sure how I would be welcomed back. But tonight I realized that it is the people there- the ones that have always been able to make me laugh, or talk me through things, or just share a pizza- that make Walwood still feel like home. I missed them. So very very muchly.

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A day with my Pey.